Homer The Great

Customer:So you'll order the parts today to fix my basement?

Plumber:Today? Ha! I won't even order them today.

Plumber:Well, the best thing to do in a situation like this is to put a pan down.

Homeowner:A pan? That's your professional advice?

Plumber:Yep. Catches the water. You're welcome. That'll be $500.

Homer:We'll just build a dam!

Homer:What could go wrong?

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Hey Lenny, Carl, where do you guys park at work?

Lenny:Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's classified information, Homer.

Carl:Yeah man, you can't just go around asking people where they park. That's private.

Homer:It's just parking...

Lenny:Not another word about it, Simpson.

Homer:Why does Lenny get to leave early every Thursday? And Carl gets those special parking spots? What about me?

Homer:That's it! I'm going down to the Kwik-E-Mart and I'm gonna tell Apu that his Squishees are too cold!

Marge:You know, I've been reading about the Kennedy assassination. There's a lot of evidence that suggests it wasn't just Lee Harvey Oswald.

Homer:What? Are you saying the government covered it up?

Marge:Well, some people think so. There are inconsistencies in the official story.

Homer:That's it! I'm telling everyone! The government killed Kennedy! I'm starting a website!

Homer:I will not stalk anyone.

Homer:However... I will engage in... aggressive... observation.

Homer:If I only had a brain, I'd follow that oil slick and fix their car.

Homer:But instead I'll just follow it home and see where it leads.

Homer:They'll never find me here!

Bart:Dad, your butt is showing.

Stonecutters Leader:You must pay the ultimate price!

Homer Simpson:What? What is it?

Stonecutters Leader:You must leave the lodge.

Homer:I'm stupid, I'm lazy, I'm a bad father, I'm a terrible husband, I can't hold a job...

Homer:But I want to join the Golf Club!

Homer:Well, the secret's out.

Lenny:Yeah, we really had a good run there.

Homer:So what now?

Lenny:I guess we just go back to our normal lives. No more sneaking around.

Homer:It was fun while it lasted.

Lenny:Yeah... those were the days.

Homer:Wait, wait. You're telling me I have to save a Stonecutter's life to join your club?

Stonecutter Leader:That's correct.

Homer:Well, what if I told you I once saved a man's life by giving him an egg salad sandwich?

Stonecutter Leader:You're in!

Homer:Mmm... conspiracy.

Homer:So you're saying the Egg Council rules the world?

Dr. Hibbert:No, no, Homer. I'm saying eggs have a lot of cholesterol.

Homer:But who controls the Egg Council?

Dr. Hibbert:There is no Egg Council.

Homer:That's just what they'd want you to think.

Homer:That's it! No more eggs! They're out to get me!

Homer:You hear me, egg? I'm onto you! Don't you dare crack on me!

Bart:We can't let you join our club, Homer. It's a rule: no Homers.

Homer:But there's already a Homer in your club!

Ralph:That's me!

Marge:Kids can be so cruel.

Bart:Thanks, Mom!

Grampa Simpson:Well, we do... secret stuff. Very secret. I can't tell you what, but let's just say it involves a lot of meetings. And robes. And chanting. But I've already said too much.

Grampa Simpson:Well, I'm a Stonemason. No wait, a Stonecutter. Uh... you know, I've been a member for sixty years and I still don't know what we do.

Homer:I took a self-hypnosis class to stop eating donuts.

Marge:Homer, that was fifteen years ago.

Homer:I know. The hypnotist said I'd wake up when I heard a bell... *glances around nervously* ...but I still haven't heard it.

Marge:Homer, look at you. You're covered in powdered sugar.

Homer:That's not me eating donuts. That's the hypnotic suggestion eating donuts.

Grampa:I'm a member of the Benevolent Order of the Antelope, the Loyal Order of the Water Buffaloes, the Fraternal Order of the Golden Geese, the Puzzels and Chowder Club, and the Communist Party.

Homer:Dad, you're not a Communist!

Grampa:Oh, I thought they said 'Communal.' It seemed like a nice group of fellas.

Grampa Simpson:I'm also president of the LGBT organization.

Homer Simpson:Dad, what?! How did that happen?

Grampa Simpson:I have no idea.

Homer:Number One? What kind of name is that? 'Hi, I'm Number One.' That's like introducing yourself as 'The Best.' Nobody does that!

Lenny:I'm the boss now, Burns. You gotta do what I say.

Burns:Yes, yes, that's right. Now hit me again!

Lenny:Uh... okay. You're a jerk!

Burns:Oh yes! More! More abuse!

Lenny:Well, Mr. Burns, leadership is about patience. You gotta let your employees know you care about them, ya know? Maybe try listening to what they have to say instead of just barking orders all the time.

Mr. Burns:Listening? To them? That's preposterous!

Lenny:See, that's your problem right there.

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. I didn't die, so technically I didn't complete the dare.

Homer:I have to do it again!

Homer:Wait a minute... they're all the same thing!

Homer:Wait, wait. You can't pluck the three hairs on my head. I'm already bald!

Stonecutter:We make the rules.

Number One:We have gathered here to discuss ancient wisdom and truth.

Number One:Let us proceed with solemn contemplation and—

Number One:Actually, forget that. Let's drink and play games!

Homer:Hey, you still gonna fix those pipes or what?

Plumber:Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it eventually.

Homer:Eventually? My whole house is flooded!

Plumber:Look buddy, I got a lot of calls. You're gonna have to wait your turn.

Homer:Wait, what's this? *does secret handshake*

Plumber:Oh! Why didn't you say so? I'll fix it right now! You're one of us!

Homer:One of what?

Plumber:The plumber's guild! We take care of our own.

Homer:Eat my dust, suckers! I got special parking privileges!

Homer:Whoo-hoo! Rollerblades!

Lenny:We get protection from paramedic theft.

Historical Stonecutter:We're celebrating the birth of democracy!

Historical Stonecutter:Only we landowners get to vote, of course.

Historical Stonecutter:Now let's destroy this tavern to show our patriotic spirit!

Homer:We're number one! The Stonecutters are number one!

Leland:Actually, we're number two.

Homer:Hmm? But you said we're number one.

Leland:That's what we tell the new members.

Stonecutters:We do whatever we want! We control the British throne! We keep the metric system down! We're into it!

Homer:We are the keepers of all knowledge!

Stonecutters:Secret and hidden! We hide Bigfoot! We keep the moon landing real! We assassinate names!

Homer Simpson:The Stonecutters control everything! They faked the moon landing, invented Bigfoot, and—

Lenny:Homer, you're a Stonecutter. You helped fake the moon landing.

Homer Simpson:Oh right. Well, they also invented the internet to spy on us.

Carl:Dude, you literally voted for that at the last meeting.

Homer Simpson:And aliens! They're working with the aliens!

Stonecutter Member:Homer, we ARE the aliens. Remember? Last week's slideshow?

Stonecutters:We've made Tony Randall a star!

Homer:But he's still not a big actor.

Stonecutters:No, but he's on TV!

Homer:Mmm... sacred parchment.

Lenny:Homer, no! That's a priceless historical document!

Homer:Ooh, perfect for barbecue sauce.

Homer Simpson:I'll just use this napkin to wipe my hands.

Stonecutters:SACRILEGE! BLASPHEMY! THE SACRED NAPKIN!

Lurch:He's desecrated the Holy Napkin of Sidon!

Stonecutters:Cast him out! Cast him out!

Number One:Homer Simpson, you have been found guilty of crimes against the Stonecutters. Your punishment is banishment!

Stonecutters:Banishment! Banishment!

Number One:But first, we must perform the ritual of humiliation. Bring forth the ceremonial paddle!

Homer:Oh no!

Number One:You will now crawl through the Hall of Shame while we throw fruit at you and chant your failures!

Stonecutter Leader:My God! The sacred mark! You are the chosen one!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Mr. Burns is gonna be so jealous!

Stonecutter Leader:This mark means you are destined for greatness!

Homer:Yeah, yeah, that's great. Say, you guys got any donuts?

Homer Simpson:Wait, I'm the Chosen One? But I'm not special, I'm just a regular guy who works at the nuclear plant and eats donuts.

Ancient Priest:Yes, Homer. You have been selected for the sacred ceremony of stone swapping.

Homer Simpson:Stone swapping? What do I have to do?

Ancient Priest:You must exchange this sacred stone with that sacred stone.

Homer Simpson:That's it? I thought it'd be harder. Why am I the Chosen One for this?

Ancient Priest:Because you were the only one dumb enough to show up.

Homer:Why is everyone treating me like I'm some kind of god?

Lenny:Because you are, Homer. You're perfect.

Homer:Well, I'd like to thank the writers for showing remarkable restraint in not having me do anything stupid.

Homer:Now if you'll excuse me, I have some donuts to eat.

Homer:I'm not just the King of the Castle anymore. I'm God!

Homer:Wait a minute... If I can do anything I want, and nobody can stop me... that means I'm God!

Homer:Oh my God, I'm God!

Lisa:Dad, glory is fleeting. Even the greatest empires fall.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, whatever. Mmm... donuts.

Moe:Well, you're no oil painting, Homer. I mean, you got a face that could stop a clock.

Moe:But uh... you're a good guy. A real good guy.

Lisa:Dad, we should help the community.

Homer:Help the community? Lisa, I'm already doing that. Every time I go to Moe's, I'm stimulating the economy. Every time I eat at Krusty Burger, I'm keeping people employed. And every time I sit on the couch and do nothing, I'm saving electricity for the rest of you.

Lisa:Dad, you should help people in the community.

Homer:Help people? Lisa, I'm already doing that. Every time I go to Moe's, I'm supporting the local economy. When I eat at Krusty Burger, I'm employing teenagers. And when I sit on the couch and do nothing, I'm giving the power company job security.

Lisa:That's not what community service means.

Homer:Sure it is. It's a service I provide to the community just by existing in it.

Lisa:Dad, you can't just use monkeys to fight a Civil War!

Homer:Why not? What could go wrong?

Lisa:They're wild animals. They'd attack people.

Homer:Oh... yeah. Yeah, they definitely would, wouldn't they?

Homer:I'm using my power for good deeds!

Stonecutter:That's just like that humanitarian doctor who went mad with power.

Homer:What happened to him?

Stonecutter:He started doing even more good deeds until it consumed him entirely.

Number One:Welcome to our secret organization. Rule number one: we must follow all the rules.

Moe:Just like the treehouse club from when we were kids!

Number One:Exactly. Rule number two: no girls allowed.

Moe:Oh man, those were the days.

Homer:Hey, fellas! I'd like to join your club.

New society member:I'm sorry, but we have a strict membership policy. No one with an IQ under 150.

Homer:Well, that's the same reason they wouldn't let me in the chess club in third grade.

Homer:Well, at least I have my Civil War monkeys to keep me company.

Marge:Homer, those aren't real Civil War monkeys.

Homer:They are to me, Marge. They are to me.

Marge:Homer, why are you so sad?

Homer:I lost my membership to the most exclusive club in Springfield.

Marge:Well, you know, you have an exclusive club right here at home.

Homer:What club is that?

Marge:Your family, Homer. We're the Simpson family club, and you're a charter member.

Homer:Awww, Marge.

Marge:Homer, you belong to an exclusive club.

Homer:Oh boy! Is it the KKK?

Marge:I got these special rings for our family club.

Homer:Ooh, a secret society!

Marge:No, Homer, marriage rings. For our wedding.

Homer:We do, we do!

Marge:What's going on?

Homer:We're Stonecutters! We have a lemon tree.

Bart:A lemon tree?

Homer:The lemon tree of life! We make really cool rules.

Lisa:Like what?

Homer:Well, first of all, Flanders can't join.

Marge:But Homer, we're a family. We should have our own song.

Homer:You're right! Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down?

All:We do, we do!

Homer:We do! We do!

Lenny:The hell we do.

Carl:Yeah, we're not interested.

Homer:The hell we do. Yeah, we're not interested.