Lisas Wedding

Ned Flanders:Verily, I say unto thee, that was most smitely!

Lisa Simpson:'Zounds' is a contraction of 'God's wounds,' a medieval exclamation.

Lisa Simpson:Ned Flanders didn't invent it; he just perfected the annoying delivery.

Bart Simpson:Man, this fair is so boring. There's nothing to do here.

Lisa Simpson:Are you kidding? Look at this beautiful loom! The intricacy of the weaving, the way the threads intertwine to create such gorgeous patterns. It's absolutely fascinating!

Bart Simpson:A loom? That's what you're excited about? I'd rather watch paint dry.

Lisa Simpson:That's because you have no appreciation for craftsmanship or the textile arts.

Bart Simpson:I'm taking loom as a class.

Homer Simpson:Hark! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and thou art a sandwich of considerable proportions and delectable nature!

Homer Simpson:Verily, I beseech thee, noble keeper of the pantry, to bestow upon this humble servant a morsel of sustenance, for my belly doth rumble like a beast most ravenous!

Marge Simpson:Homer, what are you talking about?

Homer Simpson:I'm hungry.

Homer:Hark! A vendor of sustenance! Pray tell, what victuals dost thou possess? I beseech thee, good merchant, for my belly crieth out in anguish most profound!

Food Vendor:Yeah, we got hot dogs. That'll be five bucks.

Homer Simpson:A Renaissance man, huh? That means I eat lots of meat!

Marge Simpson:Homer, that's not what it means.

Homer Simpson:Well, it should!

Carnival barker:Step right up, step right up! Witness the amazing two-headed creature, a marvel of mythology!

Carnival barker:The mythological aspect is that it was born with one head instead of two.

Carnival barker:Behold! The esquilax! A horse with the head of a rabbit, and the hind legs of a rabbit!

Carnival Barker:Here, esquilax! Here, boy!

Carnival Barker:Come back, esquilax!

Carnival Barker:It's a cross between a llama and an emu!

Carnival Barker:Here, llama-emu! Here, llama-emu!

Fortune teller:I sense your name is... Lisa!

Lisa Simpson:Wow, how did you know?

Fortune teller:The spirits told me. Also, you're wearing a nametag.

Lisa Simpson:Wow, you must have incredible psychic powers! You can tell me where my family is right now? That's amazing! Oh wait, no it's not. My dad is probably at Moe's, my mom is probably at home, and my brother is probably... somewhere doing something stupid. You've basically described every moment of our lives.

Fortune teller:This is the happy squirrel. A very positive card.

Lisa Simpson:What does it mean?

Fortune teller:It could mean great fortune... or it could mean you'll be eaten by squirrels. The cards are very mysterious.

Lisa Simpson:Watch it!

Hugh Parkfield:Watch it!

Lisa Simpson:You know, I have half a mind to report you to the principal. The other half is trying to remember where I left my sax.

Lisa Simpson:That's it. I'm going to drown my sorrows in a big bowl of plain steamed vegetables with absolutely no seasoning or sauce whatsoever.

Lisa Simpson:I'm reading at a 8,000th grade level.

Bart Simpson:Why does every romance have to follow the same pattern? Meet, fall in love, get married, have kids...

Lisa Simpson:Bart, you wouldn't understand romance if it hit you in the face. You're basically a robot.

Hugh Parkfield:You know, Lisa, I've been analyzing Jim Carrey's physical comedy, and I must say, his work demonstrates a certain je ne sais quoi that transcends mere slapstick. The man is essentially a modern-day commedia dell'arte virtuoso.

Lisa Simpson:That's... actually a really insightful observation, Hugh.

Hugh Parkfield:Of course. Most people see only the surface humor, but I perceive the underlying semiotics of his gestural lexicon.

Lisa:Wait, you like the Rolling Stones?

Hugh:Oh yes, their work in historic preservation is quite admirable.

Lisa:No, the band. The music group.

Hugh:Music? Good heavens, no. I was referring to the Stones themselves—their architectural contributions to heritage conservation efforts.

Hugh Parkfield:Well, I must say, this is quite a departure from the traditional aircraft design. Rather aerodynamic, I suppose. Though I do prefer the classic lines of a proper British aircraft.

Lisa Simpson:Did she just compliment our dishes or insult them? I can't tell if she thinks they're elegant or if she's suggesting we're poor.

Lisa:This is such an honor. A real historical figure!

Hugh Parkfield:Well, actually, I'm still alive.

Lisa:Wait, you're... inside the painting?

Hugh Parkfield:I prefer to think of it as 'behind' the painting. Much more comfortable back here.

Marge Simpson:Now Lisa, when you visit Britain, you'll want to fit in. Say 'lift' instead of 'elevator' and 'lorry' instead of 'truck'.

Lisa Simpson:Thanks, Mom. What else?

Marge Simpson:Well, you should compliment their cuisine. Tell them their food is... is... well, just tell them you're not hungry.

Lisa Simpson:Why would I say that?

Marge Simpson:Because British food tastes like a tire fire mixed with regret, sweetie.

Marge Simpson:If only your father was still with us.

Marge Simpson:He went to work.

Marge Simpson:It's not rheumatiz, it's just... the picture quality is terrible!

Lisa Simpson:Mom, that's a Picturephone.

Marge Simpson:Well, I wasn't expecting to be seen! I look like I have rheumatiz!

Homer:Wait, you mean I've been working here for free all these years?

Boss:That's right, Simpson. Your salary was just a suggestion.

Milhouse Van Houten:Lisa's getting married? But... but I thought we had something special!

Lisa Simpson:Milhouse, I've never given you any reason to think that.

Milhouse Van Houten:But all those times I stared at you from across the cafeteria... all those love notes I never sent...

Lisa Simpson:Exactly. You never sent them.

Milhouse:Lisa, I never stopped loving you. Remember when you rejected me in fourth grade?

Lisa:Milhouse, that was twenty years ago. I'm engaged now.

Milhouse:But you said you'd never date someone like me!

Lisa:I was a child. I've grown and changed.

Milhouse:So you're saying your rejection was... wrong?

Lisa:Yes, but not in the way you think. I was wrong to be so cruel. It doesn't mean—

Milhouse:Lisa, you've basically admitted you made a mistake! We're back on!

Barney Gumble:We could have the reception at Moe's! There's fewer drunks on Monday morning.

Homer Simpson:A court order? Perfect! I don't have to plan anything.

Homer Simpson:Now if you'll excuse me, I have a couch calling my name.

Smithers:They're making progress on treating multiple stab wounds

Doctor:Yes, well, that's good news for Mr. Burns.

Teacher:Alright class, let's begin today's lesson. If Coca-Cola sells 500 million bottles at $2 each, how much profit does the corporation make?

Ralph:I'm gonna be rich!

Teacher:No, Ralph, YOU won't be rich. But Coca-Cola will be. Now, if McDonald's has 30,000 locations worldwide, and each location serves 1,500 customers daily, how many people are slowly dying from obesity?

Lisa:This is morally reprehensible.

Teacher:Your concerns have been noted and filed in our circular file. Now, final question: What is two plus two?

Bart:Four?

Teacher:Incorrect. The answer is 'Drink Sprite.' It's got the citrusy goodness your brain needs to solve actual math problems you'll never use.

Teacher:Lisa Simpson, you're our only literate graduate!

Martin Prince:Actually, I survived too. But I'm so miserable I wish I hadn't.

Dispatcher:All units, be on the lookout for Mayor Quimby. He's wanted for embezzlement, tax evasion, and leaving the scene of a crime.

Mayor Quimby:D'oh!

Hugh Parkfield:Well, I suppose if your family is... adequate, that would be satisfactory.

Lisa Simpson:What if they're actually... nice?

Hugh Parkfield:I surrender.

Homer Simpson:Welcome to the guest bedroom I built! I call it the Hugh Suite.

Homer Simpson:Now, I know what you're thinking — 'Homer, this room has no support beams and it's held up by nothing but spite and duct tape.' Well, I have a permit.

Homer Simpson:It's a fishing permit, but the guy at city hall didn't look very close.

Homer Simpson:Well, I've had a lot of jobs. I was a boxer, a gravedigger, I worked in a nuclear power plant, and I was a homewrecker.

Hugh:A homewrecker?

Homer Simpson:Yeah, I literally wrecked homes. It was great therapy before law school.

Homer:You know, I've had a lot of jobs. I was a boxer, a stuntman, even a police officer. But I've decided to become a lawyer.

Homer:Yeah, it's the only profession where you can hit people and it's legal.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin. Several celebrities were arrested today in a massive drug sweep. Arrested were, uh, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and a man we can only describe as 'Pudgy Urkel.'

Barfly:Yeah, we saved your butt in World War II!

Hugh:Yes, well, perhaps we can repay the favor in World War III.

Moe Szyslak:You know, back in the day, Fox had real quality shows. Now look at it - reality TV, singing competitions, more reality TV...

Barney Gumble:Yeah, but Moe, didn't The Simpsons start on Fox?

Moe Szyslak:That's different. That's a quality show.

Homer Simpson:Moe, we're literally on Fox right now.

Moe Szyslak:I know! That's what I'm saying - it used to be quality!

Lisa:Mom, I'm worried about wearing white because of Milhouse.

Marge:Oh, honey, don't worry about Milhouse. He's harmless.

Lisa:But Mom, doesn't white symbolize purity? I can't wear white after Milhouse.

Marge:Oh honey, Milhouse doesn't mean anything.

Homer Simpson:I threw myself a bachelor party in Hugh's honor.

Homer:I threw myself a party in Hugh's honor.

Homer Simpson:You know, I've seen movies twice before.

Mr. Burns:I appear to be somewhat... immobilized. My tailcoat seems to have frozen in a most distinguished manner.

Mr. Burns:Though I must say, the aesthetic is impeccable. One might describe my current state as... permanently pressed.

Homer:Lisa, I want you to know that I'm very proud of you. You've accomplished so much in your life. Unlike me, who peaked in high school and it's been all downhill since then.

Homer Simpson:Lisa, I want you to know that I've always been proud of you. Even when you were a baby, I could tell you were special. You were smarter than me from day one.

Homer Simpson:In fact, you've been smarter than me your whole life. And you know what? That's okay. Because... well, actually, no, it's not okay. It's terrible. But I love you anyway.

Lisa:Why won't you wear Dad's cuff links?

Hugh Parkfield:Well, I'm afraid they're not really my style.

Lisa:That's not true, is it?

Hugh Parkfield:No. Your father frightens me. He's a large man with a violent temper.

Hugh Parkfield:I've tried everything to understand the Simpson family. First, I applied Marxist literary criticism — no luck. Then Freudian analysis — completely unhelpful. I even attempted a postmodern deconstructionist approach...

Hugh Parkfield:Nothing works. They're just... beyond analysis.

Hugh Parkfield:You know, Lisa, I find your family refreshingly... down to earth. Quite literally dirt, really.

Lisa:Did you just call us dirt?

Hugh Parkfield:Well, yes, but in the most complimentary way possible.

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, I'm afraid I can't compete with all this. The church is very plain, very humble. But nature... nature is just showing off.

Lisa:Can you tell me about my true love?

Fortune teller:I'm sorry dear, I only do palm readings.

Lisa Simpson:What did you do while I was gone?

Homer Simpson:Well, I ate all the fudge in the house.

Lisa Simpson:Dad!

Homer Simpson:What? I'm very proud of myself.