The Day The Violence Died

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Bart:Hey Lisa, if I jumped out the window right now, would you catch me?

Lisa:No, I'd let you fall.

Bart:Even if I screamed?

Lisa:Especially if you screamed.

Marge:Homer, you have to go with the kids. It's not safe.

Homer:Marge, why don't we just arm the children?

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Cartoon. Ever.

Bart Simpson:I'll give you ten bucks for that drawing.

Comic Book Guy:Ten dollars? Do you have any idea how rare this is? This is a first edition, mint condition drawing of Radioactive Man. It's worth at least... well, it's worth more than ten dollars. I wouldn't trade this for anything. Well, maybe for a date with a woman, but that's never going to happen anyway.

Bart Simpson:What if I told you it was drawn by the guy who does Garfield?

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Drawing. Ever.

Comic Book Guy:Wow, what keen deductive skills. You've identified my one weakness: the fact that I shop here.

Comic Book Guy:Now put on a cape and fight crime instead of wasting your time with such trivial pursuits!

Bart:Ay caramba!

Homer:Who are all these characters on the float?

Lisa:That's Mickey Mouse, Dad.

Homer:Mickey Mouse? I thought that was a Ferrari!

Kent Brockman:Well, folks, what a spectacular parade!

Bud Fox:Absolutely magnificent.

TV Anchor:Well, I'm afraid the parade has wandered into a rather unsavory neighborhood.

Bumtown Resident:Get him! He's a child molester!

Bart:Hey, hey! He's not a molestor, he's a child molester!

Chester Lampwick:They beat me up and took my money. But when I tried to fight back with an umbrella, it didn't work! In cartoons, an umbrella stops an anvil, but in real life? Nothin'!

Chester Lampwick:The idea that all early cartoons were just ukulele playing

Bart:Mr. Chester, I don't want to call you a liar, but...

Chester:But what?

Bart:Well, I can't complete that thought without calling you a liar.

Bart:Wow, look at this old cartoon! They're really playing up the Irish stereotypes.

Homer:Yeah, back then they thought all Irish people were dangerous drunks.

Bart:That's terrible! We'd never do that now.

Moe:Hey there, fellas! *hiccup* What're ya watchin'?

Bart:Hey, you're fat!

Reverend Lovejoy:That's President Taft.

Chester Lampwick:Well, there goes my only print of 'Poochy Love.' Burned to a crisp. Oh well, these things happen.

Chester Lampwick:If only there were some way to preserve these films... But no, I suppose it's the children's fault for not caring about cinema history.

Bart:Well, he's giving live cats and mice to hungry people.

Bart:I guess he figures they'll eat 'em.

Bart:Animators are all in Alcoholics Anonymous

Bart:You can sleep down here in the basement.

Chester:Won't it be cold?

Bart:Yeah, but there's a nice warm pile of rags in the corner.

Chester:Oh boy!

Marge:Who are you? What are you doing in our basement?

Bart:Whoa, Mom. Chill. He's cool. I've got a whole classification system for homeless guys. He's a 'Crusty.' You know, like Crusty the Clown, but homeless.

Bart:Then there's the 'Stinky,' the 'Shifty,' and the 'Touchy.' This guy's definitely a Crusty.

Lawyer:How much are you expecting, Mr. Lampwick?

Chester Lampwick:Well, I figure a cool million ought to do it. After all, they stole my likeness, my catchphrase, my entire identity!

Lawyer:A million dollars seems quite reasonable given the circumstances.

Chester Lampwick:Ah, but that's just for starters. Add another five million for pain and suffering, three million for emotional distress, two million for loss of merchandising opportunities, and throw in a billion for general principle!

Lionel Hutz:"No money down!" You see, most of the law is settling things out of court. But I want to make sure we get to court. Why? Because I subscribe to the idea that the money should be kept in the justice system where it belongs.

Lionel Hutz:I move for a bad court thingy.

Judge:You mean a mistrial?

Lionel Hutz:Yeah, that's what I said.

Grandpa Simpson:Chester Lampwick! I haven't seen you since 1952!

Chester Lampwick:Abe Simpson? That you? Man, it's been forever!

Grandpa Simpson:You still owe me for those corn muffins!

Chester Lampwick:What corn muffins? That was fifty years ago!

Grandpa Simpson:With interest, that's gonna be about twelve thousand dollars!

Chester Lampwick:Twelve thousand?! They were a nickel apiece!

Grandpa Simpson:Yeah, and you took six of 'em! That's thirty cents plus fifty years of compound interest!

Chester Lampwick:You're insane! I'm not paying you a dime!

Grandpa Simpson:Then I'm calling my lawyer! That's it, I'm suing!

Marge:Someone has to leave.

Homer:Grandpa, you gotta go.

Lawyer:We have Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Ren & Stimpy—I mean, Dizzy the Dachshund, Puffy the Pomeranian, Dinner Dog...

Homer:Dinner Dog?

Lawyer:He's a dog who eats dinner.

Krusty:You too, huh? Yeah, I had the same thing happen to me with a cheeseburger and taking out the trash.

Chester:No, no, no - I'm talking about a hot dog and washing the dishes!

Krusty:Back in my day, we didn't have fancy food. We ate gruel, and we were grateful!

Chester:Gruel? We were lucky to have gruel! We had to chew tree bark!

Krusty:Tree bark? We had to do chores for sixteen hours a day!

Chester:Chores? We had to work twenty-three hours a day, and we thanked our parents for it!

Judge:I don't care about your blintzes! This is a court of law, not a delicatessen!

Judge:I'm tired of all these legal formalities and procedures!

Lawyer:Your Honor, they're necessary for justice.

Judge:I'm tired of all these legal formalities and procedures!

Roger Myers Jr.:My father's creations are timeless works of art! They're not based on real people.

Roger Myers Jr.:That flatulent cartoon fox? Pure fiction!

Judge:Do you have any evidence to present?

Lionel Hutz:Your Honor, I have here a photo of my client looking very innocent. And this crayon drawing of the alleged crime scene. Plus, I've prepared this interpretive dance that clearly demonstrates reasonable doubt.

Judge:Mr. Hutz, that's not evidence.

Lionel Hutz:Well, then how do you explain this affidavit I wrote on a napkin? It's legally binding and smells like pastrami.

Bart:"You can be anything you want to be."

Bart:Well, that's encouraging... I guess my total lack of talent isn't gonna stop me.

Roger Myers Jr.:Stealing? That's a very ugly word. We prefer to call it 'creative adaptation.' Why, just look at the great examples throughout history. Betty Boop was an exact copy of Fleischer's early designs. Woody Woodpecker was basically a rip-off of Daffy Duck. And don't even get me started on what Disney did to the public domain.

Roger Myers Jr.:Including Chief Wiggum (from this very show) in the list

Roger Myers Jr.:Where will new ideas come from?

Lisa:Well, what about... um... a talking dog?

Roger Myers Jr.:Exactly my point.

Roger Myers Jr.:You! You're responsible for this! Because of you, Itchy & Scratchy is finished! Do you know what you've done? You've killed the greatest cartoon in television history!

Bart:But Mr. Myers, I was just—

Roger Myers Jr.:Silence! Thirty-five years! Thirty-five years that cat and mouse have been making children laugh, and you, you little monster, you've ended it all!

Chester Lampwick:First, I'm gonna buy the Hope Diamond. Then I'm gonna hire the best team of engineers in the world to cut it into the shape of a giant toilet seat. And then I'm gonna sit on it.

Amendment (singing):I'm just a bill, yes I'm only a bill, and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill. Well, it's a long, long journey to the capital city, it's a long, long wait while the powers that be debate, debate, debate, debate on me. But I know that I will be a law some day, at least I hope and pray that I will, but today I am still just a bill.

Marge Simpson:Now children, let's learn about the Constitution!

Chorus:♪ We the people, in order to form a more perfect union... ♪

Grandpa Simpson:Back in my day, we didn't have all these fancy educational cartoons. We just watched static and were grateful for it. Now these young whippersnappers got their learning shows and their fancy animation.

Grandpa Simpson:You know what'd solve the whole problem? War. A nice big war to thin out the competition. That's how we did it.

Marge:Well, I guess that educational cartoon really taught them something valuable.

Marge:How to fight like tiny ninjas.

Roger Myers Jr.:I'm bankrupt! I've lost everything! My mansion, my yacht, my collection of priceless Ming vases...

Roger Myers Jr.:But at least I still have my father's severed head in a jar. That's priceless.

Chester Lampwick:I'm not greedy. I just appreciate the finer things in life. Like my solid gold toilet seat, my diamond-encrusted back scratcher, my platinum-plated nose hair trimmer, my solid gold bidet, my jeweled toothpick collection, and my authentic dinosaur egg collection that I keep in a climate-controlled vault beneath my mansion.

Marge:Well, children, I'm so proud of all your accomplishments. Bart, you've learned to read. Lisa, you've become quite the scholar. And Maggie... you've learned not to shoot people.

Roger Myers Jr.:Government character stolen from terrible stick figure

Bart:What happened to us?

Lisa:I think we've been replaced by kids who are better at problem-solving.

Bart Simpson:We could use a time machine to go back and prevent this whole thing from happening.

Roger Myers Jr.:A time machine? That's your solution? Kid, those don't exist.

Bart Simpson:Yeah, well neither does a guy who makes cartoons for a living, but here you are.

Marge:Are you happy about the resolution?

Bart:Happy? Mom, I just realized I'm not the hero of my own story. I'm just a supporting character in everyone else's narrative. What if I'm not even the protagonist of my own life?