A Fish Called Selma

Homer:Well, it's like a puppet, but... more muppety. You know, with the... the fuzzy thing, and the... I dunno, they just do stuff and it's funny.

Homer:Actually, I have no idea what a Muppet is.

Lisa:Wait, is that a leather Muppet?

Homer:That's Troy McClure, sweetie.

Homer:So Troy's got this whole thing going on with his aquarium...

Marge:Homer, what are you talking about? I don't know anything about that.

Homer:Marge, everyone knows about Troy and his fish.

Marge:Well, I certainly don't have anything to do with any aquarium!

Marge:Troy's a good man. He's nothing like those other celebrities with all their scandals.

Homer:What about [scandal celebrity 1]?

Marge:That's completely different!

Bart:What about [scandal celebrity 2]?

Marge:Well... yes, but Troy would never—

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such films as 'Liar Liar Pants Blazer' and 'Dial 'M' for Murderousness.'

Troy McClure:But my personal favorite has to be 'The Hula-ing Dead' and 'Ocean's 11 Items or Less.'

DMV Worker:You need glasses.

Troy McClure:Glasses? But I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from films such as 'Gladiator: The Sequel' and 'They Came to Burgle Our Homes.' My face is my fortune!

Troy McClure:You're asking me to hide this chiseled jaw behind some ridiculous frames? This is a tragedy! A catastrophe! My career is over!

Police Officer:There you go, sir. Your glasses are fixed.

Troy McClure:Oh, thank you, officer! You've been so helpful.

Police Officer:That'll be fifty dollars.

Troy McClure:But... you just helped me for free?

Police Officer:Yeah, well, now I'm helping myself.

Selma:Why aren't there any attractive men at the DMV?

Patty:Because they're all too busy looking in mirrors to get their licenses renewed.

Tony:Hey, listen here. You know what 'sleeps with the fishes' means, right? That's a death threat!

Patty:No, no, Tony. It's just an expression. It means—

Tony:You're trying to whack me! I know what you're doing!

Patty:Tony, we just gave you some Italian food. Sit down.

Tony:Italian food? What'd you put in this? Oh, my stomach...

Patty:So anyway, about the mob...

Tony:Can't...talk...gotta find...bathroom...

Selma:Troy! Is that you? Say your catchphrase!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such films as 'Gladhe-ate-her' and 'Schindler's Fist'!

Selma:Oh Troy, you're as charming as ever!

Troy McClure:And you may remember those other films like 'The Sexorcist' and 'Firestarter... On Ice!'

Troy McClure:Let's see here... The top line says... a Mercedes symbol, a heart, and what appears to be the Playboy bunny.

Doctor:Those are the letters E, F, and P.

Troy McClure:Well, you'd think they'd make them a little bigger!

Troy McClure:Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as...

Troy McClure:Wait, let me read your name tag here. Sel... ma... Boo-Veer?

Selma Bouvier:It's Bouvier. Boo-vee-ay.

Troy McClure:Yes, that's what I said. Boo-Veer.

Selma:Where is it? Where's Troy's picture?

Restaurant Worker:Ma'am, we don't have a photo of Troy McClure.

Selma:What? But he said he ate here!

Restaurant Worker:Yeah, well, lots of people say that.

Selma:Ugh!

Troy McClure:So, Selma, tell me about your interesting job at the DMV.

Selma:Well, I scratch myself all day long.

Selma:What movie projects are you working on?

Troy McClure:Well, I'm reading scripts constantly. You see, I can't actually afford to go to movies.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such dates as 'Dinner with Selma' and 'That Time at the Movies with Selma'!

Paparazzo:Troy! Over here! Give us a smile!

Troy McClure:Of course! You know, I've always said that dating Selma is just like making a picture - it requires good lighting, careful positioning, and a willingness to do multiple takes.

Selma:Troy, we're just getting coffee.

Troy McClure:Just getting coffee? Selma, this is HUGE! This is front-page material! 'Troy McClure: Still Alive, Still Dating!' The papers will eat this up!

Homer:Wait a minute. Troy's dating a human woman? That proves he's not a fish!

Homer:Of course, it's been so long since he's made a movie, maybe he IS a fish and nobody's noticed.

Troy McClure:My agent hasn't found me work in 12 years!

MacArthur Parker:Well, you were on a jury last month. That counts as work.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such dates as 'dinner and a movie' and 'that time we made out in the car.' But you'll remember me best from tonight!

Selma:Oh Troy!

Selma:So there I was, dining with a real movie star. He was so charming, so sophisticated...

Troy McClure:Wow! Who was it? Was it Burt Reynolds?

Selma:No, it was you, Troy!

Troy McClure:Me? Oh, come on. Was it Chevy Chase?

Waiter:Sir, you can't smoke in here.

Homer:Oh, come on. What's the big deal?

Waiter:Well, it bothers the other diners, and besides, it's bad for your health. Why, it's as bad as drinking Zima and eating at Chevy's.

Homer:Zima? Chevy's? What are you, some kind of smart guy?

Troy McClure:You know, Selma, I've always found the smoke around you... quite intoxicating.

Selma Flanders:Really?

Troy McClure:Yes, though I can't tell if it's the cigarette smoke or just your natural... aroma.

Selma:I can't... I can't breathe...

Troy McClure:You're hyperventilating! You must be in love!

Kent Brockman:Troy McClure's romance with Selma Bouvier is heating up. Well, actually, calling Selma a 'woman' might be generous, but... *awkward pause* ...moving on to our next story.

Kent Brockman:Troy McClure's remarkable comeback continues as he's cast in a new TV movie. This is living proof that in Hollywood, you can always get a second chance.

Kent Brockman:We now go live to Channel 6 News special report. There's an iguana loose in the city, and it's headed toward the elementary school.

Troy McClure:Welcome to my home! As you can see, I have walls. They're quite vertical. And over here, we have a floor. It's very... floored.

Selma Flanders:Wow, Troy, this is amazing!

Troy McClure:And if you'll notice, the ceiling is directly above the floor. You may have seen this architectural innovation in other buildings. I also have a door. It opens AND closes.

Troy McClure:Darling, I've arranged for us to have separate bedrooms. You see, I like to watch tennis on television before I go to sleep.

Troy McClure:It helps me relax. We won't be playing tennis, of course. Just watching it.

Troy McClure:You mean the movie or the actual planet?

Troy McClure:Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

Ensemble:He can talk!

Ensemble:He can talk!

Ensemble:He can talk!

Ensemble:He can talk!

Ensemble:He can talk!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such medical dramas as 'Diagnosis: Boring' and 'The Surgeon General.' I'm here today to discuss your health with Dr. Zaius.

Dr. Zaius:Welcome, welcome. Now let me examine you... Hmm, yes, I see. You are fat, stupid, and lazy.

Dr. Zaius:You're a big fat oaf, your brain is made of tofu, you reek of gin and you smell of old shampoo. You're a bald-headed buffoon, a washed-up has-been, the saddest fool I've ever seen. You're a jerk and a dork, you're a real life joke, I could go on for days but I'll stop, oh I'll stop.

Troy McClure:Can you play piano after the operation?

Dr. Zaius:Of course.

Troy McClure:That's funny, I couldn't play it before!

Troy McClure:♪ Chimpanzee! That word starts with 'Chimp' and ends with 'anzee'! ♪

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such educational films as 'Choosing the Right Nose Candy' and 'When Longest Words Collide.' I'm Troy McClure.

Troy McClure:Today we're going to watch 'Horseplay: A Goofy Goofy Death.'

Lisa:Dad, guess which one of us found love?

Homer:Marge?

Lisa:Dad, I meant which sister.

Homer:Oh. Maggie?

Troy McClure:You'll have to forgive me, Homer, but World War II has already been done to death in the cinema.

Homer:Oh.

Homer:Well, what about a movie about Dracula?

Troy McClure:Done.

Homer:Zombie Dracula?

Troy McClure:Done.

Homer:Okay, um... Dracula's baby?

Troy McClure:Done.

Minister:Do you, Selma Marge Bouvier... Bouvier-Winfield-Huntington-Hill-Flanders-Castro-Birkenstick, take this man...

Selma:Yeah, yeah, let's speed it up!

Minister:Do you, Troy McClure, take Selma Bouvier... Bouvier... Bouvier... to be your wife?

Troy McClure:I do!

Minister:Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Barney:Fabulous!

Homer:Mmm... plastic.

Homer:Troy, your marriage is a sham. Your wife is a robot.

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? Now come on, let's go home and make love.

Selma:Oh Troy, take me! I'm yours!

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such romantic encounters as 'Passion's Peak' and 'The Lusty Corset.' But I'm afraid tonight... I can't.

Troy McClure:Two handsome actors? Sick freaks, the both of them!

Agent:But Troy, you ARE a sick freak.

Troy McClure:Yeah, but I'm a different KIND of sick freak!

Selma:Oh, you're just jealous of my gazungas!

Selma:At least I don't have to wake up next to a man who scratches himself in his sleep and hasn't seen his feet since the Clinton administration.

Selma:Is our marriage a sham?

Troy McClure:No problemo!

Selma:Do you love me?

Troy McClure:Selma, I love you more than I love Sprite... and you know how much I love Sprite.

Selma:Are you gay?

Troy McClure:I wish I were gay. It would certainly make my life easier.

Troy McClure:Come on, Selma. We've had some real ups and downs, but mostly ups. Well, some downs. Okay, a lot of downs. But that's what makes it exciting! It's like a roller coaster.

Selma:A roller coaster?

Troy McClure:Yeah! You get in, you scream a lot, and then it's over in two minutes.

MacArthur Parker:You know, naming your baby is just like show business. It's all about timing and trends.

MacArthur Parker:Right now, state names are very hot. Montana, Dakota, Nevada... they're all gold.

MacArthur Parker:And Pacific Northwest? That's going to be huge next year. Mark my words.

Troy McClure:You know, having a baby has really opened up new career opportunities for me. I've already signed a deal to be the spokesperson for a new fragrance line.

Troy McClure:It's called 'Eau de Poopsie' — that's French for 'Water of the Poopsies.'

Troy McClure:You know, Selma, when you're smoking for two, you've got to really think about the baby's health.

Selma:That's not how that phrase works!

Troy McClure:You're right, you're right. Here, have another cigarette.

Troy McClure:You remember our relationship, don't you? We had that special time together... you know, like in that Newport cigarette ad we did?

Troy McClure:Smooth taste, crisp satisfaction, and that perfect moment we shared on the beach at sunset...

Troy McClure:I've been thinking about that a lot. I really thought what we had was real.

Troy McClure:Now Selma, you don't need a man to have a baby. Why, I've done it myself!

Selma:You've had a baby?

Troy McClure:No, but I've sold plenty of them. You may remember me from such adoption agencies as 'Happy Little Orphans' and 'Babies: They're Not Just for Breakfast Anymore.'

Troy McClure:I can get you a premium infant, slight cosmetic damage, at a very reasonable price.

Selma:Well, Jub-Jub, I guess it's just you and me again. Troy turned out to be a real dud.

Selma:Don't worry though, sweetie. I'll take good care of you. I've got plenty of roaches I can microwave for your dinner.

TV Reporter:Troy McClure here with an exciting announcement. The washed-up action star has embarked on an daring new independent film project titled 'Pukahontas.'