Bart On The Road

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Spring break! A time for sun, sand, and beautiful women in bikinis!

Marge:Homer, that's not what spring break is about.

Homer:You're right. It's also about getting cheap suits made by exploited workers in sweatshops.

Skinner:Dodge! Chevy! Plymouth! Honda!

Skinner:I can't close school early for my vacation. But... I can scheme to do exactly that.

Skinner:I need to close the school early for my vacation. I know! I'll invent a fake educational day to justify it to the superintendent.

Skinner:We'll call it... National Paperclip Appreciation Day. Perfectly educational.

Lisa:Why do you get to stay home from school?

Bart:I'm expanding my mind, man. Educational television.

Lisa:You're watching cartoons.

Bart:Exactly. I'm learning about animation, character development, and the complex social dynamics of a Saturday morning schedule.

Homer:Occupation: Safety Inspector

Marge:Occupation: Homemaker

Principal Seymour Skinner:Homemaker? That's not a real job.

Patty:We, uh, we like to think of the DMV as a place where the customer is always wrong.

Selma:And we take great pride in our inefficiency.

Patty:We've actually won awards.

Milhouse:So how do you make those saltine crackers?

Factory Worker:Well, that's the thing... we can't tell you that. You know too much already.

Lisa:Dad, can I have some fruit?

Homer:Fruit? Sure! How about a doughnut?

Lisa:A doughnut isn't fruit.

Homer:It is if you believe hard enough.

Lisa:Why are so many of the nuclear plant's light bulbs burnt out?

Homer:Well, we're understaffed. The only way to change a light bulb is to have three guys stand on each other's shoulders, and Frank's been calling in sick.

Martin Prince Sr.:Martin, I'm proud of you for investing in the futures market. Very sophisticated.

Martin Prince:Thank you, Father. I've invested $10.

Martin Prince Sr.:Excellent! Let me check your portfolio... Oh my God. You've lost everything.

Martin Prince:But... but I was doing so well!

Martin Prince Sr.:That's the futures market, son. One moment you're up, the next you're wiped out. Consider it a valuable life lesson.

Martin Prince:I... I understand, Father.

Homer:Lisa, we're going to make work fun! We'll play astronauts with the nuclear plant equipment!

Lisa:Dad, that's incredibly dangerous and irresponsible.

Homer:Exactly! That's what makes it fun!

Homer:You know, Lisa, this is actually fun. My job is usually so boring and lonely.

Lisa:Dad, you work with hundreds of people at the nuclear plant.

Homer:I know, but they all avoid me.

Nelson:I'm gonna get my driver's license so I can drive around and run over people I don't like.

Milhouse:But Bart, the ID says you're 25!

Bart:Yeah, well, if I'm 25 on the ID, then I'm 25. And if I'm 25, then the ID is right. So it all checks out.

Bart:Conan the Barbarian? More like Conan the Barbarian-ian.

Bart:We need to find something really exciting to do with these fake IDs.

Milhouse:Yeah, like, something dangerous and cool!

Martin:I suggest we visit the Springfield Public Library during extended hours and take advantage of their newly implemented late-night research privileges.

Bart:Yeah, right, Martin. Your money and your driving skills are real impressive.

Martin:Well, actually, my father did purchase me a vehicle, and I have maintained a perfect driving record.

Bart:Wait a minute... you've got a car AND money? Dude, you could be like, totally cool!

Bart:Eh, I didn't think you'd be interested. Besides, I figured you'd just embarrass yourself like you did at the last spelling bee.

Lisa:That was a grammar competition, Bart, not a spelling bee. And I placed third!

Bart:Yeah, well, Magna Carta? More like Magna... Farta!

Bart:Eat my shorts, you Latin-spouting dweeb!

Lisa:That's not even real Latin, Bart.

Lisa:But Mom, he's obviously lying!

Marge:Now Lisa, we have to give everyone a fair chance to tell their side of the story.

Marge:Even if it's completely ridiculous and physically impossible.

Nelson:Hey! Nelson hit me!

Bart:Yeah, Nelson's a jerk.

Homer:A nuclear power plant is like a disappointing child. You feed it, you clothe it, you try to give it a good home... and what does it do? It melts down and contaminates the groundwater.

Homer:Want to spend another day at the plant with your old man?

Lisa:Actually, Dad, I was thinking of attending a lecture on non-Euclidean geometry at the university, followed by a discussion of Schoenberg's twelve-tone composition technique.

Homer:So that's a no?

Martin:Bart, are you coming to the grammar rodeo this weekend?

Bart:Grammar rodeo? What is that, some kind of nerd convention?

Martin:It's a celebration of the English language! I'm organizing it myself.

Bart:Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, uh... you know what? I don't even remember your name.

Martin:I'm so excited about the grammar rodeo! I've been practicing my diagramming all week!

Bart:Yeah, well there is no grammar rodeo, Marvin.

Martin:What?! My name is Martin!

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa! So what's inside the sun sphere?

Unknown:It's just a ball of hot gas.

Bart:Cool!

Homer:There's a rule about vending machine candy: if it falls and you catch it before it hits the ground, it's a free sample.

Homer:Hey Smithers, want some candy? I got Ass Blasters, Nut Busters, and Buttfinger.

Smithers:Oh my.

Homer:What? They're just candy names.

Homer:We're gonna have a slumber party! We'll stay up late, tell ghost stories, and I won't accidentally walk in on anybody changing clothes this time.

Homer:If you kids don't settle down, I'm driving to Winnipeg!

Bart:Winnipeg?!

Lisa:That's the worst threat ever.

Bart:So where are you headed?

Hitchhiker:Oh, just got out of prison early for good behavior.

Homer:Prison? What were you in for?

Hitchhiker:Murder. Seven counts.

Bart:Wow, Branson! This place is awesome!

Homer:It's like Las Vegas, but for people who think the Internet is too complicated.

Lisa:Dad, why do we need a military?

Homer:I dare you to eat this whole bowl of chili.

Homer:I can keep a secret. I'm very good at keeping secrets.

Lisa:Dad, you told the whole town about my bed-wetting problem.

Homer:That was supposed to be confidential!

Lisa:I have a crush on someone at school.

Homer:Who is it? Anyone I know?

Lisa:No, he's completely unremarkable and unknown.

Homer:So... me in high school?

Bart:Hey, check it out! The World's Fair!

Employee:That's been closed for thirty years, kid.

Bart:But... but there's still fun things to do here, right?

Employee:Nope.

Bart:Any games? Prizes?

Employee:Nope.

Bart:A gift shop?

Employee:Nope.

Bart:Bathroom?

Employee:Nope.

Bart:What happened to that famous sun sphere?

Lisa:Yeah, where'd it go?

Employee:It's now storage for massive wig inventory.

Martin:Oh no! We're completely broke!

Martin:I spent all my money on this Al Gore action figure.

Al Gore doll:The planet is in trouble!

Martin:He only says that one thing.

Nelson:Hey, we're in a terrible situation here, but at least we don't have to go to school tomorrow!

Martin:Well, I could say I told you so, but I'm far too much of a gentleman to gloat over your misfortune. However, I will say that my way would have been infinitely more prudent.

Antique dealer:These lenses are perfect! I can use them to start fires!

Milhouse:That's my vision you're talking about!

Lisa:Well, I was suspicious from the start. The name 'grammar rodeo' doesn't make grammatical sense. If it were truly about grammar, it would be called a 'grammar round-up' or 'grammar competition.' 'Rodeo' is inherently an illogical descriptor for a grammar event.

Lisa:We could send it by courier.

Homer:By Courier? What's a Courier?

Lisa:A person who delivers packages, Dad.

Homer:Oh, I thought you said 'Curier'. Like the vacuum cleaner.

Courier boss:We've got a job for you, kid. Gotta deliver this package to the old tire yard on the edge of town.

Bart:Sounds easy enough. What's in it?

Courier boss:Don't ask. But whatever you do, keep it away from direct sunlight, loud noises, and whatever you do, don't let it get wet.

Bart:That's it? Anything else?

Courier boss:Yeah, one more thing. If it starts glowing, just keep driving.

Lisa:Well, you see, Bart pulled the fire alarm, which caused the sprinklers to activate, which flooded the gymnasium, which caused the floor to collapse, which revealed a sinkhole, which contained a cache of old newspapers, which turned out to be valuable, which attracted collectors, which led to a bidding war, which resulted in the school being purchased by a millionaire, which turned it into a theme park, which became so popular that our town was renamed Bartland, which caused property values to skyrocket, which made Dad rich, which made him so lazy he never left the couch, which caused the house to be foreclosed on, which meant we had to move to Shelbyville, which is where we are now, living in a cardboard box.

Homer:So let me get this straight. You disobeyed me, you lied about it, and you broke something valuable.

Bart:Yeah, pretty much.

Homer:Well, I'm very disappointed in you, son. I'm going to have to punish you.

Homer:No TV for a week!

Homer:And you're grounded!

Homer:And—

Homer:D'oh! Why you little!

Homer Simpson:Yeah, I'd like to order one of those nuclear thingies. You know, for home use.

Oak Ridge Worker:Sir, that's... that's completely illegal. You can't just order nuclear equipment.

Homer Simpson:Why not? I've got a credit card.

Oak Ridge Worker:Oh my God. Oh my God, are you recording this? Is this call being recorded?

Oak Ridge Worker:I need to call my supervisor. I need to call the FBI. I need to call... everyone.

Lisa:Dad, you can't use your real name!

Homer:Don't worry, I'll use a fake name.

Homer:I'll use... Ralph Wiggum!

Bart:Yeah, the grammar rodeo was awesome! But man, they really commercialized it. Like, they had all these booths selling merchandise—grammar rodeo t-shirts, grammar rodeo hats, even grammar rodeo-branded pencils. It's like, can't we just learn proper English without having to buy stuff?

Marge:Hello? Oh, another call about Bart... Yes, I understand he put a cherry bomb in the school toilet... No, I don't know why he thought that was a good idea... Uh-huh... Well, thank you for calling...