Mountain Of Madness

Smithers:Will you be having your usual morning coffee, sir?

Mr. Burns:No, thank you, Smithers. I find the mere existence of morning intoxicating enough.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, bring me some coffee.

Smithers:Right away, sir.

Mr. Burns:On second thought, forget the coffee. I want excitement!

Smithers:Very good, sir. Will that be a Maxwell House or a Folgers?

Mr. Burns:Smithers, prepare the popcorn. I'm conducting a fire drill.

Smithers:Very good, sir. Shall I alert the employees?

Mr. Burns:No, no. That would spoil the fun. I want to see genuine panic.

Homer:Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Mr. Burns:How long until everyone is evacuated?

Smithers:Well sir, at the current rate, it should take approximately 45 seconds.

Mr. Burns:45 seconds?! That's an eternity!

Smithers:Actually sir, it's taken so long we've exceeded the stopwatch capacity.

Homer:In your face, everyone! I won! I'm first out!

Lenny:Homer, we're trapped behind this door!

Homer:That's your problem now!

Mr. Burns:This evacuation is a complete disaster! It's like watching the Mumblebee Brothers try to defuse a bomb!

Bart:Come on guys, we gotta work together as a team! That means no fighting!

Bart:Now let's go out there and kick some ass!

Marge:Homer, the corporate retreat is this weekend. I thought we had plans.

Homer:Plans? Marge, our plans were just hanging around.

Homer:Babe Ruth didn't need a team. He was a lone wolf.

Marge:Homer, Babe Ruth played for the Yankees.

Homer:The Yankees? What team is that?

Homer:I'm against things. Tolerance, equality, progress...

Homer Simpson:I don't want to make friends, I don't want to learn about current events, I don't want to help the poor, and I don't want to work for a democracy.

Unknown worker:Well, would you at least consider subscribing to our newsletter about terrible ideas?

Homer Simpson:Now you're speaking my language!

Park Ranger:Welcome to the national park! I'm afraid we've had to eliminate all the fun. Government bureaucracy, you understand. We used to have a seesaw, but we removed it because someone might fall off. We had a merry-go-round, but it was too merry. And the swings? Too swinging. So now we just have a quiet place to stand and think about the rules.

Homer:I lost my map.

Burns:But Homer, we haven't given out the maps yet.

Homer:Woo-hoo! A competition! I'm gonna win so much money!

Homer:Wait... what are the stakes again?

Homer:Oh... oh no. Oh no no no no no.

Smithers:Yes, sir. And perhaps I'm the Queen of England.

Lenny:Look, Carl, I'm trying to be diplomatic here, but you know what? Forget it.

Carl:What? What were you gonna say?

Lenny:Nah, I'm done trying to be nice about this.

Homer:Wait a minute... Mr. Burns is here with me, which means he's not out there causing trouble. And all his money is just sitting in the bank doing nothing. I'm in the safest position in Springfield!

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, I deliberately excluded you from the drawing, Smithers.

Smithers:But sir, why would you do that? I've been loyal to you for decades!

Mr. Burns:Precisely, Smithers. That's exactly why. A man of your devotion deserves better than to win a drawing. You deserve to suffer like the common rabble.

Smithers:Oh, how delightful. I'm paired with myself. Well, at least I know I'll be in good hands. Or should I say, my own hands? How romantic.

Smokey Bear machine:Only you can prevent forest fires.

Homer Simpson:Me? But I'm not a bear!

Smokey Bear machine:Only YOU can prevent forest fires.

Homer:Why can't we just go outside?

Ranger:Because of the bears, sir.

Bart:So just don't go near the bears.

Ranger:It's not that simple. They're everywhere.

Homer:Well, can't you just ask them to leave?

Mr. Burns:Smithers, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Smithers:But sir, I didn't say anything.

Mr. Burns:The echo, you fool! It said my posterior was impressive.

Bart:Lisa! Lisa! Come quick!

Lisa:What is it, Bart?

Bart:I've discovered a new element! It's heavier than lead, lighter than air, and it glows in the dark!

Lisa:Bart, that's physically impossible.

Bart:Exactly! That's why no one else has found it yet!

Bart:Hey Smithers, what are you reading?

Smithers:Oh, just the classic 'Nancy Drew' series. I've been collecting them since I was a boy.

Lisa:Nancy Drew? I thought you were more into... other types of books.

Smithers:Well yes, but a gentleman must have refined literary tastes. Besides, Nancy is quite resourceful and independent.

Bart:Yeah, right. We all know you're just into the mystery solving part.

Smithers:What time is it?

Bart:Uh, it's... the little hand is on the big number and the big hand is on the little number.

Smithers:That doesn't help at all.

Bart:Yeah, well clocks are stupid.

Mr. Burns:Life is like a newspaper crossword puzzle, you know. Sometimes you lie a little to make things fit.

Mr. Burns:You see, Simpson, dishonesty is not a vice—it's a virtue. It's the pursuit of self-actualization in its purest form. When a man lies, cheats, and steals his way to the top, he's not committing crimes—he's engaging in noble self-improvement. The weak call it fraud. I call it philosophy.

Mr. Burns:We'll use the snowmobile to cheat!

Mr. Burns:Quickly, to the sleigh!

Mr. Burns:You're not as stupid as you look, Simpson.

Homer:Thanks, Mr. Burns!

Park Ranger:Don't worry, I'll help you find your children. We can search the entire forest using the chairlift.

Homer:Great!

Park Ranger:Of course, the chairlift only covers a tiny search area.

Marge:Can you help us find our children? They're lost in the woods.

Park Ranger:Lost in the woods? They're probably dead. Most likely they've been eaten by a bear or a wolf. At best, they're freezing to death right now. Mission's hopeless.

Marge:Oh my God, the children!

Ranger:We can't stop the chairlift!

Marge:We have to do something!

Ranger:There's nothing we can do. We're stuck up here.

Park Ranger:Getting off the chairlift is sort of tricky. It requires welding skills.

Homer:Mr. Burns, look! I opened the door like a normal person!

Mr. Burns:Simpson, you used the door handle instead of having Smithers oil the hinges and push it open with his face.

Homer:See? I'm learning!

Bart:Lisa, I'm starving. We need to find food.

Lisa:According to my calculations, the human body can only survive approximately 3 weeks without food. We have roughly 20 days and 14 hours before organ failure becomes inevitable.

Bart:Lisa, that doesn't help us RIGHT NOW.

Lisa:Well, statistically speaking, we're still alive.

Smithers:I'm worried Mr. Burns might fire me.

Bart:Dude, that's terrible. By the way, is that gold?

Lisa:Mr. Smithers, I'm here to help! What's the emergency?

Smithers:Oh thank goodness, Lisa. I've been hit by a car and I think my leg is broken.

Lisa:Don't worry, I'll call an ambulance right away... Oh my God, there's a injured field mouse over there! And look, a baby sparrow!

Smithers:Lisa, I'm still bleeding!

Lisa:Just hold on, Mr. Smithers. These creatures need me more. This moth's wing is slightly bent.

Homer:Mr. Burns is rich. He's got more money than Barney.

Homer Simpson:Wow, this is one comfortable chair!

Mr. Burns:Yes, well, sitting is a universal human experience. Whether you're a king or a pauper, a CEO or a safety inspector, we all must sit. It's what separates us from the animals.

Mr. Burns:I'm having difficulty getting up in the morning.

Homer:You know, Mr. Burns, that's not a problem. That's an opportunity. What you need is the Homer Simpson Alarm Clock System.

Homer:Step one: Don't set an alarm. Step two: Sleep as late as you want. Step three: Wake up whenever your body tells you to.

Homer:It's called laziness, but I like to think of it as... efficiency.

Homer:Mr. Burns, instead of getting up, just use this back scratcher to reach things.

Mr. Burns:Remarkable! You've given me a tool that extends my reach without exertion. You're a genius!

Homer:Well, I wouldn't say genius...

Mr. Burns:From this day forward, I shall apply this philosophy to all aspects of my life. Why walk when one can be carried? Why think when one can have others think for you? Simpson, you've revolutionized my existence!

Mr. Burns:Simpson, I'm impressed by your lazy technique. You've mastered the art of doing nothing.

Homer:Well, thank you, sir. I've been practicing since I was a boy.

Mr. Burns:It's a rare talent.

Homer:I know. My father would be proud... if he cared.

Homer:What was that noise? Was that an avalanche?

Homer:No, wait... that was me. I'm an avalanche.

Carl:Maybe the cabin is metaphorical, you know? Like, a state of mind.

Lenny:Carl, I don't care about metaphors. I'm hungry.

Mr. Burns:Release the hounds! We'll dig our way out!

Homer:But sir, I thought you said you had manual labor skills.

Mr. Burns:I lied. I've never done a day's work in my life.

Mr. Burns:The partnership shall be called 'Burns and Smithers'.

Mr. Burns:Or rather, 'Burns, Burns, and Smithers'.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, you're responsible for these avalanches!

Homer:Am not! Besides, avalanches are just nature's way of saying hello!

Homer:Mr. Burns, I found this ancient comic book in your office! It's from 1952!

Mr. Burns:Bah! I was reading that when it came out. It was already old then.

Homer:We could build snowmen!

Mr. Burns:Snowmen? Bah! I have a better idea. We'll build a life-size replica of my house out of snow, then melt it down and use the water to fill my swimming pool.

Bart:Mr. Smithers, the nuclear plant is about to explode!

Smithers:I know.

Bart:Well, aren't you going to do something?

Smithers:What's the point? Mr. Burns didn't say good morning to me today.

Homer:I've created a snowman so anatomically detailed and lifelike, it's a work of art. Michelangelo himself would weep at its beauty.

Homer:This isn't just a snowman. This is a masterpiece. This is... this is divine.

Mr. Burns:Look at those snowmen. They're standing there, watching us.

Mr. Burns:Plotting. Always plotting.

Mr. Burns:We must destroy them before they destroy us.

Homer:Don't worry, Mr. Burns. It's just a snowman.

Mr. Burns:Just a snowman? Homer, snowmen have eyes. They can see everything. They're watching us right now.

Homer:Mr. Burns, snowmen can't move or talk.

Mr. Burns:That's what they want you to think!

Barney:Who, me? I haven't seen him! I've been too busy enjoying this lovely refreshment!

Drunk:Yeah, and I heard they're stuck down there with no food or water. At least they got each other... hey, you going to Bonnaroo?

Homer:Wait a minute. Is Mr. Burns trying to hypnotize me?

Homer:I'm gonna stay alert and fight back with all my will.

Homer:Wait, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply there's a bad kind of hypnosis.

Homer:There's a good kind of hypnosis too.

Mr. Burns:I'm going to destroy you, Simpson. I have the power to ruin your life with a single phone call.

Homer:Oh no! You're gonna kill me?

Mr. Burns:Kill you? No, no, no. I mean through legal channels and my vast network of influence in city government.

Search Leader:Don't worry, we'll find him. These things usually turn out okay.

Search Leader:Well, I mean, we'll find something.

Search Leader:Don't worry, children. We'll find your father.

Search Leader:Men, get the body bags.

Search leader:Your father will be fine.

Search leader:Now, we just need to find those frozen corpses.

Homer:Dear God, we paid for sushi and you give us fast food!

Mr. Burns:Shut up, Simpson!

Mr. Burns:No one will be fired.

Mr. Burns:You're fired.

Mr. Burns:Well, well, well. Last place. How does it feel, Lenny?

Lenny:D'oh!

Mr. Burns:Well, I hope you've all learned something about the value of teamwork.

Homer:We sure have, Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns:Excellent. Then you won't mind working twice as hard for half the pay.

Lenny:Mr. Burns, you're a real jerk!

Lenny:I'm gonna tell you exactly what I think of you!

Mr. Burns:That was quite a bonding experience we shared.

Homer:Yeah, it really brought us closer together.

Mr. Burns:Indeed. Perhaps we should do it again sometime.

Homer:Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary.

Mr. Burns:No, I suppose not.