Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala Annoyed Gr

Krusty:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Krusty Komedy Klassic! Or as we're calling it for short, the K.K.K.!

Krusty:...Oh my God.

Krusty:Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to witness the most revolutionary television moment in broadcasting history! Behold, as this dog performs an incredible trick!

Krusty:Come on, boy, jump through the hoop! Jump!

Krusty:What are you doing? Jump! JUMP!

Krusty:Get him! Somebody get that dog! Beat him! BEAT HIM!

Homer:You know, it's sad when a comedy show isn't even funny anymore.

Bart:Dad, that's literally what we just watched.

Homer:I know, son. That's why it's so sad.

Homer:Hello? Hello? Why isn't this thing working?

Marge:Homer, that's the remote control.

Homer:I know that, Marge. I'm talking about this cordless phone. It's broken.

TV Announcer:Coming up next on NBC: Mad About Shoe!

TV Announcer:A show about a man... obsessed with footwear. For no logical reason.

TV Performer:We know we're just repeating the same lazy joke over and over again.

Bart:Mom, can I have some milk?

Marge:No, Bart. You've had enough sugar today.

Bart:But Mom, I'm dying of thirst! My throat is as dry as the Sahara Desert! I can feel my lips cracking, my tongue turning to leather... I'm fading away, Mom... fading into the darkness...

Bart:This is it. This is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper... and a severe case of dehydration. Tell Homer I loved him. Tell Lisa she was right about everything. And tell Maggie... tell her to get herself a better family.

Marge:Fine! What does everyone want?

Lisa:Nothing, thanks Mom.

Bart:Nah, I'm good.

Homer:I'll take a donut! Two donuts! A box of donuts! Actually, just bring me the donut factory!

Lisa:I found a hair in my soup.

Marge:Oh no! I'm so sorry, honey.

Lisa:It's okay, Mom. I'll just eat around it.

Krusty:Thanks for coming, Mr. President. You know, we wanted to get Reagan, but he couldn't make it. Then we tried Carter, Ford's successor, but he was busy. So here you are!

Krusty:So, uh, how's it going, Muffy?

Gerald Ford's wife:It's Betty.

Krusty:Yeah, yeah, whatever. So you coming to my show or what?

Homer:Marge, I can explain. I was at the golf tournament all day.

Marge:Homer, you don't even like golf.

Homer:That's what makes it so respectable.

Homer:What's with the getup, Marge? You look like a... ba-boopy-ka!

Marge:It's a babushka, Homer. A Russian headscarf.

Homer:That's what I said, ba-boopy-ka!

Homer:Hey, nice babushka!

Marge:It's a babushka, Homer.

Homer:That's what I said - a babooshka!

Homer:Nothing you do could ever shock me.

Homer:AHHHHHHHHH!

Homer:I'll help you hide your hair loss, Marge. I'm an expert at this.

Marge:Homer, your hair looks ridiculous.

Homer:Exactly! And nobody suspects a thing.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I'm completely puzzled by your condition. It's the strangest case I've seen in years. Heh-heh!

Bart:I got it! I'll start smoking, then quit. I'll be a hero!

Homer:That's the worst plan I've ever heard.

Bart:Oh yeah? What's your plan?

Homer:I'm gonna start drinking more, then quit that too!

Marge:Homer, you can't quit drinking. You've tried a thousand times.

Homer:Quiet, you!

Homer:Son, I'm so proud of you. You've finally done something worthwhile. Here, have a donut.

Bart:But Dad, I was just joking about smoking.

Homer:I know, boy. That's what makes it so special.

Lisa:Dad, Bart didn't do anything.

Homer:Exactly! And if I don't reward him now, he might stop!

Civil War Reenactor 1:So Homer's really quitting the reenactment group?

Civil War Reenactor 2:Yeah, he needs the money for a nanny.

Civil War Reenactor 1:Well, we'll need someone to play the guy who gets shot in the exact same spot every time.

Civil War Reenactor 2:I'll do it!

Stonewall Jackson Reenactor:The South shall rise again!

Homer Simpson:The South shall come again?

Homer:Wait a minute. You're not really an elderly woman applicant, are you? You're a terminator sent back through time to kill me!

Male Nanny Applicant:I run a tight ship. Any child acts up, I'm not afraid to use the back of my hand.

Bart:Finally, a nanny who speaks our language!

Male Nanny:Do you keep any alcohol in the house?

Homer:Alcohol? No, no, no. Well, maybe just a little in the baby's bottle.

Violent Nanny:You'll be sorry! Your kids will grow up to be failures, just like their mother!

Bart:No more of this sappy stuff! Let's cut through the bollocks!

Marge:You're just like Mary—

Shary Bobbins:I'm nothing like that Mary Poppins! And if you say I am one more time, I'll sue! My lawyers are very good.

Shary Bobbins:I'm not a Mary Poppins ripoff!

Homer:Sure you are. Look, there's Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck right there.

Shary Bobbins:Those are completely different characters!

Bart:Yeah, Dad. One's a mouse and one's a duck.

Homer:Exactly. See? Not a ripoff at all.

Shary:I can tell stories and change diapers.

Homer:Do you do anything else?

Shary:I can do light housekeeping.

Homer:Okay, I'll have the meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and... her.

Shary Bobbins:I'm practically perfect in every way.

Homer:Yeah, well I'm practically perfect in every way too.

Homer:BURRRRP

Homer:Lord Huffington? I know him. We go bowling together every Thursday.

Marge:Homer, that's Carl.

Homer:No, it's not. Lord Huffington is way fancier. He wears a monocle and everything.

Marge:That's Carl with a monocle that he drew on with a Sharpie.

Shary Bobbins:You'll read every article.

Homer:Woo-hoo! Look at me, I'm so shiny!

Groundskeeper Willie:Aye, Shary and I had a grand romance back in the day.

Groundskeeper Willie:But then she got her eyes fixed, and suddenly she could see me proper like.

Groundskeeper Willie:That's when she left me.

Groundskeeper Willie:I'm telling ye, me eyesight's gotten so bad, I cannae even see meself in the mirror anymore.

Groundskeeper Willie:And frankly, that's the best thing that ever happened to me, because I'm the ugliest man in this entire city!

Auctioneer:Going once, going twice... sold to the gentleman in the top hat!

Bart:Wait, this is legal?

Auctioneer:Only in Mississippi!

Mr. Burns:Kite flying? That's a silly pastime for children and simpletons.

Mr. Burns:Now, if you'll excuse me, I have important business to attend to.

Mr. Burns:Wait... did you say kite? A kite, you say? Oh, the wind... the string... the pure joy of watching it soar! Smithers! Smithers, where is my kite?!

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I'm experiencing the most peculiar sensation. My chest feels... warm.

Smithers:Perhaps you should see a doctor, sir.

Mr. Burns:Nonsense! I'm fine. Although, now that you mention it, I haven't felt this in centuries.

Smithers:Sir, that's your heart beating. You're alive!

Mr. Burns:My heart? I thought that was just the sound of my cash register.

Marge:My hair has grown back so thick, I can use it as a winter coat!

Homer:That's great, Marge. Now we can save money on heating.

Marge:Homer, do we really need the beach umbrella in here?

Homer:It's blocking the sun, Marge.

Marge:Homer, we're indoors.

Homer:Even better. I'm very pale.

Bart:Can we have another song?

Lisa:Please?

Shary Bobbins:Oh, for the love of— *expletive deleted* NO!

Homer:Mmm... blood pudding.

Mary Poppins:It's actually made from blood.

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Lisa:Violence isn't the answer.

Bart:It is though.

Shary Bobbins:Well, it's time for me to go. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!

Shary Bobbins:Now, where did I put my umbrella...

Shary Bobbins:Oh my, this doesn't seem right.

Shary Bobbins:Practically perfect... AHHHHHHH!

Shary Bobbins:Well, I must say, that was quite exhilarating! Perhaps I shall do that again tomorrow.

Young Rainier Wolfcastle:Guten Tag! I am here to tell you about the wonders of Bavarian sausage!

Young Rainier Wolfcastle:With my Austrian charm and chiseled jaw, even a simple bratwurst becomes a cinematic masterpiece!

Young Rainier Wolfcastle:Notice how I flex while eating this schnitzel. Very important for selling meat products.

Young Rainier Wolfcastle:Now I will karate chop this pretzel in half. Because that is how advertising works!

Homer Simpson:Beer! I need beer!

Shary Bobbins:Now, now. Let's make it fun! You'll enjoy serving me instead.

Barney:Shut up and get me a beer.

Charles Bronson:Well, looks like we got ourselves a little speeding problem in Mayberry.

Charles Bronson:Time to take care of it the old-fashioned way.

Charles Bronson:*shoots car multiple times*

Marge:Cleaning can be a game, Bart.

Bart:Yeah, but does the game have food fights?

Marge:Well, no.

Bart:Then I'm not interested.

Quentin Tarantino:You see, what we have here is a postmodern deconstruction of violence as a narrative device. The ultraviolet spectacle serves as a metaextual commentary on the commodification of brutality within the entertainment industrial complex.

Homer Simpson:So... people got hurt?

Quentin Tarantino:Precisely.

Lisa:The world? I've already seen it on TV.

Shary Bobbins:Do you enjoy being a dysfunctional family?

Lisa:Well, it has its merits.

Bart:Bye Shary! Don't fly into any buildings like Superman!