The Twisted World Of Marge Simpson

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Marge:Well, our portfolio is up 3% this quarter.

Helen:Mmm, delicious gains.

Marge:Helen, it's just money.

Helen:Mmm, delicious money.

Agnes Skinner:Coldly calculating how to profit from childhood obesity

Marge:I'm not comfortable with such risky investments.

Homer:Oh Marge, don't worry your pretty little head about it.

Marge:I think we should be more conservative with our investments.

Helen:Conservative? Marge, we actually sponsored a Mexican wrestler as an investment!

Agnes:Your hair looks like it was styled by someone who got rug burn and kept going!

Marge:That's it! I'm mailing you all pancakes!

Marge:They kicked me out of the investment club.

Homer:They kicked you out? But what about the pancakes?

Homer:My earning power protects this family!

Homer:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Marge:Homer, what happened?

Homer:I'm gonna need some time off work.

Investo Robot:Greetings! I am Investo from the planet Opportuniac.

Homer:Investo? What kind of ridiculous name is that?

Investo Robot:It is the custom of my people.

Investo Robot:You must enter!

Marge:But you're blocking the door.

Investo Robot:Yes, well, please try not to bend the pamphlets.

Homer:That'll teach you to malfunction!

Investo Robot:BZZZZT! WARNING! WARNING! CRITICAL SYSTEMS FAILURE!

Franchise Salesman:Your investment will skyrocket! We're talking exponential growth, stratospheric returns!

Royce McCutcheon:How much are we talking here?

Franchise Salesman:Well, initial investment is $50,000. But within five years, you could be making $500,000 a year. And that's just in U.S. dollars. On the moon, that's worth twice as much.

Royce McCutcheon:On the moon?

Franchise Salesman:Lunar credits. They're very stable. The moon colony economy has been booming.

Frame Nudging Salesman:Did you know that 4 out of 5 homes have at least one crooked picture frame? That's a $47 billion untapped market!

Homer:Wow, that's terrible!

Frame Nudging Salesman:Terrible? It's an opportunity! With Frame Nudging, you could be making money hand over fist!

Homer Simpson:We need the government to fix all these crooked pictures!

Lenny:Yeah, this is a job for the Department of Picture Straightening.

Carl:I'm calling my congressman!

Frame Nudging Salesman:Here's our booklet of commonly asked questions.

Frame Nudging Salesman:As you can see, our customers will be very confused and suspicious.

Marge:I'm so sorry for calling you the wrong name.

Agnes:Well, my name is Agnes, named after Saint Agnes, the patron saint of chastity. She was a young Christian martyr who was executed for refusing to marry a pagan Roman. Her name comes from the Latin 'agnus,' meaning lamb, symbolizing her purity and innocence. So when you call me by the wrong name, you're not just disrespecting me—you're disrespecting centuries of Christian tradition and the very concept of virginal martyrdom!

Disco Stu:Hey there, baby! Disco is alive and well! Look at these groovy 1976 statistics - 73% of Americans love the hustle, bell-bottoms are flying off the shelves, and the Bee Gees are—

Homer:Uh, Disco Stu? It's 2023.

Disco Stu:What? No, man, you're—

Disco Stu:Oh yeah, those guys have been floating around for like three weeks. I just figured they were doing some kind of new dance.

Homer:Middle Eastern food? Sure, I love that stuff. Falafel, hummus, those little meat on a stick things...

Franchise Salesman:Actually, sir, those are Greek.

Homer:Greek, Middle Eastern—what's the difference? They're all right next to each other, right?

Franchise Salesman:Well, geographically speaking, they're quite—

Homer:Look, I don't know geography, okay? I thought the Middle East was in the middle of the East.

Homer Simpson:What's a pita?

Franchise Salesman:It's a Mediterranean flatbread.

Homer Simpson:Mediterranean? That's too fancy. Why can't we just call it a round bread?

Franchise Salesman:Because it's called a pita.

Homer Simpson:How about we call it a... Freedom Pocket?

Marge:Do you have any Middle Eastern foods?

Franchise Salesman:We have hummus.

Marge:Hummus?

Franchise Salesman:Yeah, it's chickpea paste. We call it 'Garbanzo Bean Goop.'

Franchise Salesman:And we have falafel, which we call 'Fried Chick Pea Balls.'

Franchise Salesman:And tabbouleh, which we call 'Lettuce Surprise.'

Franchise Salesman:Try our new sandwich! We call it the Lincoln.

Customer:Why is it called the Lincoln?

Franchise Salesman:Because it's got four score and seven layers!

Franchise Salesman:The 'Ben Franklin' features our most popular item: a Middle Eastern scramble, prepared by our chef, Chet Englebrett.

Homer:Chet Englebrett?

Franchise Salesman:It's a very American name.

Frank Ormand:I was drowning in my own despair, until I found my life preserver.

Frank Ormand:Pretzels.

Frank Ormand:It's not only not bad, it's not bread

Maude:Well, we have Homer, Marge, Lisa, Maggie, and Bart as equal members of the franchise!

Frank Ormand:We target vulnerable new mothers with junk food.

Frank Ormand:We have a very strict territorial system here. The Doritos are ours, the Cheetos belong to the guys on the other side of the fence.

Frank Ormand:If they try to advance into our snack zone, we launch a full-scale assault with Funyuns.

Frank Ormand:I got pretzel fever. It's a serious condition. First, I crave pretzels. Then I think of bacon. Then I get all queasy.

Frank Grimes:Look at this — a state-of-the-art workstation! Ergonomic chair, dual monitors, high-speed internet connection. I've never seen anything like it! And the coffee machine — it's got a timer! A TIMER!

Frank Ormand:We'll attach the flyers to small helium balloons and release them into the atmosphere. When they deflate and fall, they'll technically be litter, but we'll have already moved on!

Frank Ormand:Always check the ingredients carefully. Look for any foreign objects.

Marge:Oh my God! There are actual millipedes in here!

Worker:Hey, isn't that Marge Simpson's pretzel wagon? I didn't know she had a celebrity endorsement deal.

Marge:I don't have a celebrity endorsement.

Worker:Oh, my mistake. I could have sworn I saw Brad Pitt eating one of your pretzels on TV.

Customer 1:I'll have a pretzel.

Vendor:One pretzel coming up!

Customer 2:Come on! How long does it take to get a pretzel?!

Customer 1:Look at that Fleet-A-Pita van! Business must be booming!

Customer 2:Yeah, he's really made it. Total independence.

Marge:We can coexist like Macy's and Gimbel's.

Helen:Gimbel's went out of business.

Marge:That'll be $300 for 300 pretzels.

Cletus:Well, hot diggity! I got coupons for all of 'em!

Marge:I should have put a limit on those coupons.

Cletus:Well, I ain't complainin'. I done bought me a lifetime supply of turtle wax and I ain't even got a car.

Cletus:Come on, kids! Dinner time! Brandon! Crystal! Tyler! Amber! Mestiza! Incontinentia! Q-Bert!

Marge:Hang in there... Oh my, this poster must be thirty years old. The cat is probably dead.

Announcer:And the winner of our new car is... Mr. Burns!

Crowd:Booooo!

Burns:Excellent! A new car! And the crowd is chanting my name!

Marge:Those are for eating, not throwing!

Announcer:The crowd has spoken!

Marge:But my pretzels!

Baseball Legend:Hey, hey, everybody, calm down! There's no need to throw pretzels!

Crowd:*throws pretzels*

Announcer:Oh my God, he's been hit! He's down! He's... he's not getting up. Ladies and gentlemen, we may have just witnessed a death.

Lisa:Mom, look on the bright side. You could start your own line of airbags. Call them 'The Marge Simpson Airbag System.' They work great—I can vouch for that personally.

Marge:Well, kids, I've learned that if you want something in life, you just have to give up.

Marge:Don't even try. It's easier that way.

Marge:And remember, whenever life gets you down, just lie in bed and cry until you fall asleep.

Marge:If anyone needs me, I'll be face-down in the dirt.

Homer:Marge needs help, and I'm just gonna mess it up. I always do. Maybe I should call someone who's actually competent.

Homer:Nah, who am I kidding? I'm gonna help anyway and everything will be terrible.

Homer:I'd like to speak to Frank Ormand's estate executor.

Funeral Director:I'm sorry, he also died in the same accident.

Fat Tony:Homer, I'm gonna help you out. But first, let me work the room a little bit.

Homer:Uh, sure, Fat Tony.

Fat Tony:Hey, Bishop! How's business? We should do lunch sometime. I know a great place—it's got a wine cellar in the basement, if you know what I mean.

Fat Tony:No, no, no. It's not a 'boating' accident. It's a 'boaking' accident. The boat... it broke.

Woman:There's a man under my van!

Dock Worker:Well, jump up and down on it.

Woman:What?

Dock Worker:Jump up and down on it. That'll scare 'em out.

Dock Worker:See? Like this.

Moe:Your money's no good here, Homer.

Homer:What? Why not?

Moe:Because it's... it's real money.

Homer:Oh. Well, that's just great.

Fat Tony:You see, Homer, in our thing, when somebody does you a favor, you owe them a favor back. It's how it works.

Homer:Wait, so if you do me a favor, I have to do you a favor?

Fat Tony:Exactly.

Homer:Well, I'm afraid I must respectfully decline your entire operation!

Mobster:You gotta push the little button on the side.

Marge:Oh!

Mobster:No, the other side.

Fat Tony:You got 24 hours to pay up.

Fat Tony:Actually, make that 12 hours. I want to emphasize the urgency.

Marge:Homer, did you tell the mob to eliminate your competitors with violence?

Homer:Yes.

Homer:Well, you see, the snack food market has become increasingly saturated with competitors, each vying for shelf space and consumer attention. The traditional players like Lay's and Doritos have faced pressure from artisanal and health-conscious alternatives, fragmenting the demographic. Meanwhile, convenience stores have limited inventory, forcing distributors to make tough choices about which brands to stock. It's basic supply and demand economics, really.

Homer:I'm a loving husband. I shower Marge with affection, I buy her flowers, I even know her favorite color.

Homer:Of course, I had to call some violent criminals to find that last one out, but still.

Grampa:I keep having this dream where I'm chasing a blue whale through the streets of Shelbyville, and it keeps saying 'Grampa, why won't you love me?' and I say 'Because you're a whale!'

Fat Tony:My wife, she's always on me. 'Tony, why you never home? Tony, why you always with the guys?' It's like I'm some kind of regular husband or something.

Fat Tony:My wife, she's always on my case about the money. 'Fat Tony, where's the collections?' 'Fat Tony, why you come home so late?' 'Fat Tony, why you got bullet holes in your shirt?'

Fat Tony:I tell her, 'Sweetheart, you think it's easy running a criminal empire? You think the guys respect you when your wife's yelling at you in front of them?'

Marge:Homer, we have to get inside!

Homer:Wait, wait. I want to see the little guy's contribution.

Marge:Homer, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. But I am disappointed. Disappointed that you haven't achieved your potential. Disappointed that you keep making the same mistakes. But most of all, I'm disappointed that you think I would hate you for being human.

Bart:What's happening outside?

Marge:Oh, just some people with pitchforks and torches. Nothing to worry about.