Grade School Confidential

Skinner:We need to raise money for a new school building.

Teacher:But Principal Skinner, how do we raise the money?

Skinner:Well, we'll have a fundraiser.

Teacher:What kind of fundraiser?

Skinner:We'll need to spend money on materials and supplies for the fundraiser to raise money for the building.

Principal Seymour Skinner:And in conclusion, the new dress code policy will be enforced starting Monday.

Edna Krabappel:You know, I've seen paint dry that's more exciting than listening to you talk.

Martin:Mrs. Krabappel, Mrs. Krabappel! I have an announcement to make!

Krabappel:Is it that you're finally retiring from school? Because I am.

Martin:I say, what a delightful gathering! The gustatory offerings are simply magnificent. These confections possess an almost transcendent quality of sweetness and texture.

Bart:Dude, they're just cupcakes.

Martin:Precisely! A most pedestrian assessment, Simpson. Though I prefer to characterize them as diminutive sponge cakes with frosted embellishments.

Martin:Yes, Mr. President, I'm listening. Uh-huh. Well, I am not a crook!

Bart:Dork.

Bart:So where exactly do we stand in the social hierarchy?

Milhouse:Well, we're below the nerds, the geeks, the dorks, the dweebs, the dweezils, and the paste-eaters.

Bart:What about the kids who actually eat paste?

Milhouse:We're below them too. They at least have a hobby.

Bart:Hey Mr. Skinner, what are you doing here?

Principal Skinner:I'm off-duty, Bart. You can call me Seymour.

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't use your powers on me!

Nelson:Hey, want to see a magic trick? I'll saw you in half!

Martin:Oh boy! A magician's assistant — or as I like to call it, a 'magician's half-sistant!'

Martin:Pick a number between one and ten.

Milhouse:Seven.

Martin:Multiply it by nine. Add the digits together. Subtract five. Now think of a letter in the alphabet that corresponds to that number.

Milhouse:Okay...

Martin:You're thinking of an 'M', aren't you?

Milhouse:Wow! How did you know?

Martin:It's simple mathematics and the power of—

Milhouse:Wait, I was thinking of a 'D'.

Martin:That's what I said! 'M'... 'D'... they're practically the same letter! You see, if you rearrange the letters, add a few more, remove some, you get... Doctor! You're going to be a doctor!

Edna Krabappel:Well, here we are. Two grown adults at a children's birthday party.

Edna Krabappel:I guess this is what our lives have become.

Skinner:Well, I wake up at 5 AM sharp, then I have a bowl of cut-up fruit with a cup of coffee. Then I remove my underwear and pants, and put on my special Saturday shorts.

Skinner:Then I go downtown and visit the... button museum.

Skinner:After lunch it's back to Mornningwood High to watch the football team practice. Then I slip into my cheerleader outfit and hidden behind the bleachers, I... watch them.

Edna Krabappel:Living vicariously through matchbook collecting

Seymour Skinner:Edna, do you ever wonder if life is just a series of disappointments?

Edna Krabappel:Seymour, I've been teaching your students for twenty years. I don't wonder anymore.

Agnes Skinner:Seymour, I'm ashamed of you for trying to keep me out of your party.

Seymour Skinner:But Mother, it's an adult event. You wouldn't enjoy it.

Agnes Skinner:Nonsense! I'm crashing this party because I'm your mother, and mothers go wherever they please. Besides, someone needs to make sure you're not having too much fun.

Martin:I've prepared a special menu for my birthday party. We'll be serving sushi-grade fish wrapped in edible gold leaf with a reduction of balsamic vinegar and truffle oil.

Bart:Dude, kids don't eat that stuff.

Martin:Well, they're eating it today. I also hired a sommelier to pair wines with each course.

Ralph:I'm gonna throw up.

Martin:You haven't even tried it yet.

Ralph:I know.

Marge:Bart, you're not sick. You're going to school.

Bart:But Mom, I feel terrible!

Marge:Nice try. Now get going.

Bart:Wait, I sneezed on Snowball. Now the cat is sick instead.

Bart:Whoa, Lisa's eating a hot dog!

Lisa:I know, I know. I've decided to start eating meat again.

Bart:No way! What happened to all that vegetarian stuff?

Lisa:I faked being sick so I could get out of it. The whole thing was getting too annoying.

Edna Krabappel:Martin, why do you have a tea set?

Martin:Well, Mrs. Krabappel, I find that a proper afternoon tea ceremony promotes intellectual discourse and refined social etiquette.

Edna Krabappel:So you're a sissy.

Martin:Actually, studies show that tea drinkers have higher IQs and longer lifespans. So I'm not a sissy—I'm just going to live longer than you and be smarter.

Edna Krabappel:You know, Seymour, sometimes I think you're the most naïve man I've ever met.

Seymour Skinner:Why, thank you, Edna!

Skinner:Your laugh is like music to my ears.

Edna Krabappel:Ha.

Skinner:Edna, before we kiss, do you have any breath freshener?

Edna Krabappel:Of course, Seymour.

Edna Krabappel:Here, have some mouthwash.

Skinner:Ah, minty fresh!

Edna Krabappel:You know what? Forget it. Let's just make out.

Homer:Why you little!

Marge:Okay, I'll get you a little one.

Marge:Here's a little hamburger, a little Duff beer, and a little donut. I hope you're happy now, Homer. I've made you into a man of small portions and tiny dreams.

Bart:Hey, I can come up with better lies than that!

Skinner:You can?

Edna Krabappel:Please do.

Skinner:Well, I suppose I've been blackmailed before. It's just part of my cross to bear.

Skinner:You know, when you've spent as many years in education as I have, you learn that capitulation isn't failure—it's just... adaptation.

Skinner:One more outburst like that and I'll send you to work in the tire yard at the Springfield Tire Factory, or perhaps you'll end up flipping burgers at Krusty Burger for minimum wage, or worse yet, you could become a Republican.

Bart:Ay caramba!

Bart:Okay, okay, I'll make you a deal. I'll keep quiet about this if you give me fifty bucks.

Homer:Fifty bucks?! That's highway robbery!

Bart:Take it or leave it, old man.

Homer:Fine, fine! Here's your fifty bucks.

Bart:Excellent. And now, I'd like to announce to the world that I, Bart Simpson, have successfully extorted my own father for cold hard cash!

Skinner:This is a delicate reduction of apple essence, a veritable symphony of autumnal flavors.

Edna:Seymour, it's just applesauce.

Skinner:...Yes, well.

Edna Krabappel:I don't entertain much. I'm usually at home alone with a bottle of bourbon and a pistol.

Edna Krabappel:But I'm not suicidal. I just like to keep my options open.

Skinner:I don't follow Freud's expectations. I have a mother complex, not a mother.

Edna Krabappel:Swallow and kiss me.

Seymour Skinner:In that order?

Edna Krabappel:Oh, what a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I feel absolutely wonderful!

Edna Krabappel:In fact, I'm so happy, I could just skip and hop, skip and hop all the way to the top!

Edna Krabappel:Life is like a box of chocolates, or so I've heard, and every moment is a gift, every word a beautiful bird!

Edna Krabappel:I love my job, I love my class, I even love when students fail my test with a subpar pass!

Edna Krabappel:Children, today we're learning about fire safety. Now, who can tell me the three steps to escape a burning building?

Student:Um, stop, drop, and roll?

Edna Krabappel:Close enough. But forget all that — I just met someone special at the teacher's lounge, and I'm throwing caution to the wind. Class dismissed. Go play with matches.

Skinner:Ms. Krabappel! What a coincidence running into you here at the... the... cinematograph!

Edna Krabappel:Seymour, isn't that your wife over there?

Skinner:My wife? No, no, that's just a woman who happens to look exactly like her. Very common resemblance, actually. I read a study about it.

Edna Krabappel:She's waving at you.

Skinner:Waving? That's not waving, that's a... a nervous twitch. Hereditary condition on my mother's side. She's probably concerned about my health. I should go talk to her and tell her I'm fine.

Skinner:Bart! Bart! Where are you, Bart?

Skinner:I need to find that boy immediately!

Skinner:Bart! BART! BAAART!

Skinner:Come out this instant, you troublemaker!

Agnes Skinner:I collect the fingernail clippings of famous people. I have them organized by cuticle condition and sorted chronologically by nail bed thickness.

Bart:That's... that's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

Agnes Skinner:It started when I found a toenail in a 1952 issue of Good Housekeeping. I've been searching for its owner ever since.

Bart:So you're telling me you don't actually eat cake? You just look at pictures of it?

Agnes Skinner:That's correct, boy. I have seventeen volumes of cake photography in my collection.

Bart:But... why not just eat real cake?

Agnes Skinner:Real cake? That's disgusting! All that frosting and sugar coating your dentures. No thank you.

Agnes:Would you help me up these stairs, dear?

Homer:Sure, Mrs. Skinner.

Agnes:No, not like that! Use your teeth!

Agnes Skinner:These pictures of my cakes are disgusting and bizarre requests.

Bart:Which cake should I pick, Mrs. Skinner?

Agnes Skinner:Not the German chocolate cake! That's for display only!

Bart:I'm Bart Simpson, and I have something to say. Will you marry me?

Students:Awwww!

Ralph:When's the wedding?

Bart:There is no wedding, man. I was just—

Ralph:I'm gonna be the flower girl!

Martin:Ha ha, Bart Simpson, you're so stupid, you probably think the word 'irony' is spelled I-R-O-N-E.

Crowd:Ha ha ha!

Bart:Oh yeah? Well at least I don't wear my underwear on the outside of my pants, four-eyes!

Bart:Okay people, listen up. Mr. Skinner is gonna come around that corner in about ten seconds. When he does, I want you all to gasp and point.

Bart:Ralph, you cry. Martin, you faint. And Milhouse, just do whatever you normally do.

Milhouse:Okay!

Bart:And remember, we're not here. We're invisible. We're like ninjas, but less cool and more sneaky.

Lisa:I saw Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Student 1:Whoa!

Student 2:Making babies?

Lisa:Well, that's what I think they were doing.

Apu's Nephew:Uncle Apu! Uncle Apu! I have terrible news!

Apu:What is it, my boy?

Apu's Nephew:The Kwik-E-Mart has been robbed! The register is empty!

Apu:Oh no! This is worse than the time Brahma forgot to create the universe!

Homer:Wait, wait. So the teacher was having an affair with the principal?

Marge:Yes, Homer. It's a huge scandal.

Homer:And they were doing it in the school?

Marge:Homer, are you even listening?

Homer:Yeah, yeah. But Marge, how do you spell the teacher's name? Is it 'Krupke' or 'Crupke'?

Ralph Wiggum:I saw this once before. When I was a baby, I saw a baby.

Skinner:You know, Nelson, I'm retiring after all these years at Springfield Elementary.

Nelson:Ha-ha! You're leaving? What'll we do without someone to bully?

Skinner:Well, I'll miss the students. Even the troublemakers like you. Remember when you used to give wedgies to the other children?

Nelson:Those were the days.

Skinner:Yes, violence has really gone down at the school. We used to have three fistfights a day. Now it's barely one. I do miss those simpler times.

Homer:Attention, family! I am speaking to you through this bullhorn because it is an emergency!

Marge:What is it, Homer?

Homer:Has anyone seen the remote control?

Bart:It's on the couch, Dad.

Homer:Thank you!

Bart:Everyone! I have a bomb!

Crowd:Ahhhhh!

Bart:Just kidding! They're hot dogs.

Homer:Hot dogs? Where?!

Lenny:What brand?

Bart:Uh... Krusty Dogs?

Carl:Never heard of 'em.

Crowd:Booooo!

Homer:S-E-X? Oh, that's that place on the corner!

Skinner:I'm not a pervert! I'm a virgin!

Crowd:Awwww!

Superintendent Chalmers:You know, Skinner, no one would fake something this embarrassing. Your story is so absurd, so utterly humiliating, that it has to be true.

Edna Krabappel:I'm breaking up with you because watching you is like watching hair grow with a comb.

Skinner:You see, Bart, sometimes in life we must make sacrifices for the greater good. Mrs. Krabappel and I have decided to end our relationship to teach you children an important lesson about... about...

Edna Krabappel:Oh, for God's sake, Seymour, just tell him the truth.

Skinner:Fine. We're not actually breaking up. We're moving in together.

Edna Krabappel:We've been together the whole time. We just wanted to see if you kids were paying attention.

Bart:So this was all a lie?

Skinner:Not a lie, Bart. A lesson.