The Secret War Of Lisa Simpson

Homer:D'oh!

Chief Wiggum:You've reached the Springfield Police Department. If you have an emergency, hang up and call 911. If you'd like to report a crime, press 1. If you'd like to report a crime in progress, press 2. If you'd like to become a vigilante instead of wasting our time, press 3.

Narrator:This is your brain on drugs.

Narrator:Any questions?

Educational Film Narrator:Sand has many uses. It is used in the production of glass, in the manufacture of computer chips, and as an essential component of concrete. But sand has even more practical applications.

Educational Film Narrator:Sand can be used for sandpapering, for filling sandbags, and for creating sandhills. Sand is useful for making sandwiches, for sanding one's feet, and for enjoying an hourglass.

Educational Film Narrator:Sand can even be used for traction on icy roads, for spreading on beaches, and for throwing in one's eyes during an argument.

Lisa:Miss Hoover, I'd like to request a more challenging curriculum.

Miss Hoover:Lisa, I'd love to help, but I'm not a miracle worker. I'm barely getting through the day myself. Besides, standardized tests don't measure critical thinking—they measure how well you can take standardized tests.

Adlai Stevenson:Gentlemen, I assure you that space exploration will not interfere with my nap time.

Educational Film Narrator:Due to the moon's reduced gravity, you would weigh only one-sixth of what you do on Earth. Of course, you would still look like a blimp.

Student:Miss Hoover's car is gone!

Ralph Wiggum:Maybe she went to the moon.

Student:No one can go to the moon.

Ralph Wiggum:They said you can go to the moon, so you can go to the moon.

Ralph Wiggum:I'm gonna go to the moon!

Lisa Simpson:I'm not being challenged in school. The curriculum is way too easy for me.

Miss Hoover:Lisa, you're the only student in this class who can read. Ralph over there thinks the sun is a hot monster. Bart believes history ended in 1987. And don't even get me started on what Milhouse thinks photosynthesis is.

Chief Wiggum:Here's our important police radio. As you can see, it's covered in banana stickers.

Chief Wiggum:We've got Chiquita, Dole, Del Monte, Señor Bananas...

Chief Wiggum:Each one catalogued and filed according to proper police procedure.

Chief Wiggum:You know what? I'm too lazy to continue this tour.

Bart:Whoa, check this out!

Bart:Testing, testing, one, two, three...

Bart:Ha! I can hear myself all over town!

Bart:Dad, I'll go to my room and punish myself.

Homer:Your room? With your TV, stereo, and video games? That's a reward! You're grounded in the garage.

Bart:The garage?

Homer:Yeah, with the spiders and the smell of old paint. That'll teach ya.

Chief Wiggum:You know, sometimes a little medication can really help with behavioral problems. Have you considered putting Bart on some personality-altering drugs?

Chief Wiggum:I mean, who's to say what Bart's real personality is anyway? Maybe the drugs ARE the real Bart.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, we could always try a little personality erasure. It's quite painless, and the results are immediate.

Chief Wiggum:You know, my brother went to military school, and look how well he turned out! He owns a cave!

Homer:Kids, we're going to Disneyland!

Bart:Woo-hoo!

Lisa:Really, Dad?

Homer:Just kidding. You're all going to military school.

Bart:D'oh!

Seymour Skinner:Oh Edna, your tears of passion only fuel my desire for you.

Edna Krabappel:These are tears of frustration, Seymour.

Seymour Skinner:Mmm, yes... frustration.

Bart:Dad, can we go to Disneyland? Please? It'll be so cool!

Homer:Disneyland? We went there last week.

Bart:No we didn't! We've never been!

Homer:Sure we did. Don't you remember the castle? And Mickey?

Bart:Dad, that was a dream you had!

Homer:Bart, why would I make that up?

Military School Commandant:We have room for your boy. One of our students had a complete mental breakdown this morning.

Homer:Oh no!

Military School Commandant:Don't worry, it freed up a bunk.

Lisa:Look at these students - they stand as still and dignified as historic statues.

Students:Ugh! Grooooan!

Students:My feet hurt!

Homer:There goes that theory.

Student:But isn't 'Ode on a Grecian Urn' really about the commodification of beauty under late-stage capitalism?

Lisa:A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Student:The juxtaposition of the metaphorical imagery with the postmodern deconstructionist subtext creates a dialectical tension that subverts the hegemonic narrative structure.

Bart:Yeah, well, it still sucks.

Bart:Please, don't send me to military school! I promise I'll be good!

Bart:Okay, okay, I'll do my homework every night!

Bart:And I won't pull any more pranks on Principal Skinner!

Bart:I'll even... I'll even be nice to Lisa!

Bart:Well, I'll stop actively trying to kill her.

Bart:Look, I'll just promise not to do anything worse than what I usually do, ay caramba!

Lisa:I think military school could be good for me. The structure, the discipline, the clear hierarchy—

Bart:Lisa, it's a prison. A prison with push-ups.

Lisa:A prison with PURPOSE, Bart.

Commandant:A girl? In my military academy? This is highly irregular.

Lisa:Well, times are changing. Women are just as capable as men.

Commandant:Capable? Yes. But what about our traditions? Our customs? Our all-male bathrooms?

Lisa:I think we can adapt.

Commandant:Adapt? Young lady, we've been doing things the same way for 200 years. That's not a bug, that's a feature.

Commandant:We're allowing women into the military academy. After all, women have proven themselves capable in so many fields.

Commandant:They can be secretaries, nurses, flight attendants...

Commandant:And of course, mothers.

Marge:If you want to quit, I'll support you.

Lisa:Really? Okay, I quit.

Marge:Well, I didn't think you'd actually do it.

Commandant:Listen up, cadets. We've made some changes to accommodate our new female recruit.

Franklin:Well, I didn't join the boy scouts to take a back seat to any girl. I'm still the best cadet here.

Commandant:Due to the presence of a female cadet, we're making some changes around here.

Commandant:The barracks will now be segregated by gender.

Effeminate Male Cadet:Does that mean I get my own barracks?

Student:Sir, I don't want to be in Company L. They're a bunch of knuckleheads.

Commandant:Son, Company L has always been a bunch of knuckleheads. That's not going to change.

Cadet 1:A girl at the academy? This is an outrage!

Cadet 2:We need to haze her immediately.

Cadet 1:It's not hazing, it's God's will.

Cadet 2:Yeah, the Good Lord specifically said no girls.

Lisa:This is a no-win situation.

Cadets:That's what makes it fun!

Lisa:This is the school motto? 'I'll die before I surrender, Tim'?

Bart:Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Lisa:Well, it's a bit dark. I wonder what the story behind it is.

Principal Skinner:Ah yes, it dates back to 1912 when our founder Tim Stonecutter made a last stand against the Springfield Coal Company.

Lisa:So Tim actually died?

Principal Skinner:Oh yes. Crushed by a mining cart. But he never surrendered!

Drill Sergeant:You better get that statue polished real good, maggots. And I mean REAL good. Make sure you work that shaft nice and hard until it's nice and slick.

Cadet:Sir, yes sir!

Drill Sergeant:That's what I like to see - real dedication to polishing. Now get those hands moving on that shaft, people!

Lisa:If Bart gets to go through a humiliating hazing ritual, I want equal treatment!

Bart:Lisa, you don't want this.

Lisa:I demand the same degrading experience as my brother!

Weapons Instructor:Alright, everyone grab a rifle. You all know how to use one of these, right?

Student:Uh, sir, this is a public school.

Weapons Instructor:Oh. Well, that explains the low test scores.

Instructor:You hit the target.

Bart:Great!

Instructor:The wrong one.

Instructor:Nice shooting, boy. Your father, on the other hand, couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well watch this!

Narrator:Homer raises his gun and fires. The gun immediately explodes in his hands.

Instructor:Now listen here, Simpson. In real combat, you need to think fast and act faster.

Lisa:But sir, I'm not sure I can do this.

Instructor:That's your problem right there. You're thinking too much. Here, try this instead.

Instructor:Just whistle Dixie and charge at 'em. Works every time.

Lisa:Whistle Dixie? That's your military strategy?

Instructor:Worked for me, kid. *whistles condescendingly* Now get out there and show 'em what you're made of.

Homer:Come on, boy! Answer the phone! Answer it!

Homer:What's wrong with you? It's ringing!

Homer:Stupid dog. He can't even answer a phone.

Lisa:Grampa, are you busy?

Grampa:Not at all, sweetie. You know, that reminds me of the time I was in World War Two. We were stationed in North Africa, and Private Henderson—no, wait, it was Corporal Henderson—anyway, he had this canteen that looked just like the one you're holding. Well, not exactly like it, but it was metal. And that was during the time when metal was hard to come by because of the war effort. You see, back in my day, we didn't have all these fancy plastic containers. Everything was made of tin or steel. Speaking of steel, did I ever tell you about the time I worked at the steel mill? Must've been '52 or '53...

Bart:Hey Grampa, are you busy?

Grampa:Busy? Well, I was just sitting here thinking about the time I fought a bear for a nickel. Or was it a badger? No, it was definitely a bear. Or maybe it was my brother. He was a mean son of a gun, always stealing my socks. Speaking of which, I can't find my left shoe. I've got three right shoes now. Why do they even make left shoes? Back in my day, we just wore bark tied to our feet with a sturdy vine.

Grampa Simpson:And that's how I met your grandmother, and we had your father, and he had you, and here we are now on this very phone call.

Grampa:...and that's how I lost my shoe in the Korean War. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I'd like to tell you the whole thing again from the beginning.

Student:I was on the phone for three hours last night.

Other Students:Wow, that's a long time. Who were you talking to?

Student:My mom.

Other Students:Oh. Well... that's nice, I guess.

Student:Hey Bart, weren't you just talking to your sister?

Bart:Talking to Lisa? Ay caramba, no way, man. I don't even know her.

Lisa:I find solace in Emily Dickinson's reclusive lifestyle. A kindred spirit who understood the beauty of solitude and introspection.

Lisa:Though I suppose I should remember she had a complete mental breakdown.

Bart:You know, Lisa, life's like a burrito, man.

Lisa:What? How is that relevant to anything?

Bart:Well, if you don't eat it in time, it gets all cold and kinda gross. And that's... uh... that's exactly like your problem.

Lisa:Bart, that makes absolutely no sense.

Bart:Exactly! That's the beauty of it, dude.

Lisa:Bart, that analogy doesn't even make sense.

Bart:Yeah, well, I just made it up on the spot.

Lisa:Where do you come up with this stuff?

Bart:Mostly from stuff I don't understand.

Bart:It's like when you got a foot in the door, right? You gotta keep pushing until—

Lisa:Bart, please stop with the foot metaphors. Your grasp of podiatry is as weak as your grasp of basic logic.

Commandant:We're developing both academic and killing skills.

Cadet:I have a killing teacher, and I'm naturally good at it.

Commandant:I want to thank the court for stopping this obviously dangerous child combat.

Commandant:Your final test will involve a series of increasingly specific and intimidating technical specifications.

Commandant:Welcome to the rope course. One slip and you're dead.

Commandant:Marlboro: Come to where the flavor is.

Student:This isn't what I expected when I signed up for the Eliminator course!

Student 1:Bart! What are you doing sneaking around?

Bart:Nothing!

Student 2:Well, I was doing nothing.

Student 3:I was doing nothing too.

Student 4:Yeah, nothing here as well.

Bart:See? We're all doing nothing.

Bart:Whoa, check it out Lisa! I'm finally gonna master this skateboard trick!

Lisa:That's great, Bart. Just be careful out there.

Bart:Relax, what could possibly go wrong?

Homer:BEES! Not the bees!

Bart:Dad, what are you—

Lisa:Oh no! Run!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Commandant:Simpson, in wartime, a man's allowed to curse a little.

Cadet 1:Hey, four-eyes! You think you're better than us?

Cadet 2:Yeah, with your stupid saxophone and your stupid grades!

Lisa:Well, at least you're all finally paying attention to me.

Lisa:Come on, Lisa. You can do this. Just don't look down.

Crowd:You can do it, Lisa!

Lisa:Wait... there's no crowd here. I'm just talking to myself again.

Bully 1:We're gonna keep beating you up every single day for the rest of your life!

Bully 2:Every day!

Ralph Wiggum:I'm gonna go live on the moon.

Bully 1:Okay.

Lisa:I did it! I completed the rope challenge!

Bart:Uh, Lise? Your arms are stuck like that.

Lisa:What? No, I'm just... celebrating...

Cadet 1:We're going to torment you for the rest of the semester, Simpson!

Cadet 2:We'll make your life miserable every single day!

Cadet 1:Wait... we graduate tomorrow.

Cadet 2:Oh. Never mind then.

Graduation Speaker:In the future, warfare will become increasingly sophisticated. We'll have laser weapons, drone swarms, and AI-controlled combat systems.

Graduation Speaker:But it will get more specific. Imagine battles fought entirely in cyberspace, where soldiers are just really angry at each other through their keyboards.

Graduation Speaker:Eventually, war will be decided by Rock-Paper-Scissors tournaments held on Tuesdays at noon, with a 15-minute lunch break for the generals.

Graduation Speaker:And finally, conflicts will be resolved by whoever can eat the most mayonnaise sandwiches while standing on one foot and singing the alphabet backwards.

Graduation Speaker:The future of warfare will be fought not with guns and missiles, but with computers and technology.

Graduation Speaker:In fact, I predict that by the year 2015, all combat will be conducted via email.

Graduation Speaker:By 2020, nations will settle their differences through strongly-worded text messages.

Graduation Speaker:And by 2025, World War III will be decided by a single Instagram caption battle.

Homer:Did you return all the guns?

Bart:Yeah, Dad. Now I'm way more dangerous without 'em.

Lisa:I received a medal for my military achievement!

Homer:That's my girl! What'd you do, invade a small country?

Lisa:Actually, Dad, it's for basic elementary school completion.

Homer:Elementary school? Lisa, that's not military!

Lisa:I know, Dad. That's the joke.

Homer:Kids, if you behave this weekend, we'll take you to Disneyland!

Bart:Really? That's awesome!

Lisa:We promise to be perfect!

Homer:Just kidding! We're going to the DMV instead.

Bart:Aw, man!

Lisa:Dad, that's not fair...