Chief Wiggum

If anyone has any information, please dial 'O' and ask for the police. That number again, 'O'

What's a truck? Don't play dumb with me.

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city and I am the... Uh, what cures cancer?

I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy. If we could just stick to Principal Skinner. Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming the English Channel. Really? Willie Nelson?

Princess Opal? I'm afraid it's splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad. They seemed so happy.

It seems the chief had gone to the bank... to cash in his penny jar. ...48, 49, 50. What the-- ? Good work, Chief. Just doing my job.

By God, men, you're a bunch of marshmallows. Why don't you go, Chief? Well, I'm too... ...important.

By God, men, you're a bunch of marshmallows. Why don't you go, Chief? Well, I'm too... important.

Chief Wiggum, could you hand me... that little black book? Sure thing, Moe. I was using it as a coaster.

He's unconscious, sir. Oh, they can still hear things.

Lighten up, son. If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number-one cop in town? Now, where did I put my gun? Oh, yeah. I set it down when I got some cake.

This is Papa Bear. Put out an A.P.B. for a male suspect... driving a... car of some sort... heading in the direction of, uh... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

He was taking a bite, and his jaw locked. Hey, look. I can fit my entire fist in here. [Muffled] Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. What's that, Chief? Cut it out.

Pardon me, but I would like to see this money... spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year... and as a result, I almost missed work. Crybaby.

Hey, according to the charter... as chief constable I'm supposed to get a pig every month... 'and two comely lasses of virtue true.' Keep the pig. How many broads do I get?

Wait a minute. We can just shut off the power! No such luck. It's solar-powered. Solar power. When will people learn?

Chief Wiggum's corruption revealed through car boot removal signal

Chief Wiggum's confusion about porn bust: 'Uh, yeah... that's just what it is-- a bust'

Chief Wiggum's misguided parenting: 'Son, I know just how you feel-- You got a great little girl, and the world's your oyster. No, Dad. She made a fool out of me. Hey, come to think of it, she did.'

Now, where did I put my badge? Hey, that duck's got it! Oh, come on. Come on. Give it back. I need it. Aww, keep it.

Duck stealing Chief Wiggum's police badge and his resignation to it

Wiggum's corrupt traffic stop fears: 'They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?'

That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Forget it. That's two blocks away.

Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code eight. We need pretzels.

I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters. I'm pretty sure there is. Ha! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle--

[Squirrels Chittering] Boys, knock it off. [All Grumbling]

Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me 'Chief Piggum.' Oh, now I get it. That's good.

Come on! Leave town! No. I'll be your friend. No. Oh, you're mean.

Take him away, boys. Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.

Their left taillight's a little smaller than their right one. I better pull 'em over.

One is wearing a green dress, pearls and has a lot of blue hair. A lot of blue hair? [Giggles] What a freak.

Oh, my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost car! There are ghost cars all over these highways, you know. Hold me. Only if you hold me.

Mmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty. That's them! Quiet. I can't hear the eggs.

I'm on a road. Looks to be asphalt. Um, aw, geez. Trees, shrubs. I'm directly under the Earth's sun... now.

Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet... but if I take this one and move it here... Hello! It almost looks like an arrow.

Hey, look, Chief! It's pointing right at this police station. / Let's get out of here! [All Screaming]

Gosh, look at me. I'm sweatin' like a pig here. Ah. Ah, man. That's better.

You'd better have a good reason for doing that, boy. / It makes me feel like a big man. / Let me check my reason list. Yep, it's on here.

That reminds me. Here's your monthly kickback. / You just-- You couldn't have picked a worse time.

We'll dig our way out! [Grunting] / No, no. Dig up, stupid.

Help! Help us! They stole our uniforms, guns and Tasers! Ooh, fry, piggy.

Wiggum. Yeah, right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson. Waah!

Are you talking to me? There's no one else here. You must be talking to me.

Oh, for gosh-- Can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be 'policing' the whole city.

All right, Lou, open fire.

Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

Oh, yeah. Smells like church.

All right. All right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back... but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, okay? / No.

If only they had had Pee Wee hockey when I was a lad.

Help! Help! Police! Hey, I got problems of my own right now. Oh, boy. This is gonna get worse before it gets better.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm dusting for prints.

But if they show up in the morgue, he's gonna fax us.

Oh, wait, it is Burns. His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.

Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

Oh, it's no use. They ain't talkin'.

Really? Oh, geez. All right, Colossus, you're free to go. - But stay away from Death Mountain. - But all my stuff is there.

Now, let's discuss the, um, 'mo-tive.'

That's a real good way to get sick.

Let's roll, boys.

We're out of coffee. Well, I'll just drink this warm cream.

Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?

The gunman has a name-o.

The wagon's too tall. Oh, I don't wanna have to get out. I'll just drive up on the curb.

We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.

No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Hmm, maybe Texas.

I can't quite seem to... stand up under my own power anymore. - One whopper for the copper.

Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.

Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster though.

Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped.

It's like he just disappeared into fat air.

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake! We need action!

Oh, there's so much I don't know about astrophysics. I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.

Put out an A.P.B. on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greek town. That's HomerJ. Simpson, Chief. You're reading it upside down.

Uh, cancel that A.P.B. But, uh- Oh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.

Well, it's 'cause of your old lady that I got rid of the asthma... that was keeping me out of the academy.

Well, if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death, okay?

Oh, my God! Krusty's shoes! Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here. Show's- Oh, my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage. Come on, crowd around.

Jebediah Springfield has been replaced with a skeleton!

Well, that's the spirit, Bonesy

You know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night. / The Mc-what?

A Quarter Pounder with cheese... Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but...

They call 'em shakes... 'Shakes.' You don't know what you're gettin'.

Book 'em, Lou. One count of being a bear.

And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.

Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. And the only way out is suicide.

Mallomars. Oh, that's going in the act.

I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again! - Yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

That sounds like the testimony of crazy old Lisa Simpson.

That's some good work, Lou. You'll make sergeant for this. Uh, I already am sergeant, Chief.

Quiet, Lou... or I will bust you down to sergeant so fast it'll make your head spin.

Quiet, Lou... or I will bust you down to sergeant so fast it'll make your head spin.

So long, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911 - unless it's an emergency.

[Lisa] Okay, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget! [Chuckles] It's Bob Seger. Aw, crap!

Well, near as we can tell, the boy was studying quietly... when the girl, drunk on her own sense of power... beat him silly with a block of frozen lima beans.

Just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow.

All our founding fathers, astronauts and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.

Yeah, I had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed my family.

Come on! Give me the dough! I can throw this pretty hard!

Sorry. I thought you'd get a fine... or at most, three, four years in jail.

Boy, we sure could use a dog like that on the force!

Sweet Lady Gumbo. Old... Swampy.

Got kicked off the force for one thing. - For massive corruption. - For massive- Exactly.

Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent... juggling a career and a family like so many juggling balls. Two, I suppose.

Daddy, these rubber pants are hot. - You wear 'em until you learn, Son.

I guarantee! - Will you stop saying that?

Big Daddy, eh? Well, he won't feel so big... if he messes with Chief Wiggum, P.I. again. Which I sincerely doubt he will.

Listen up, Big Daddy! You don't scare me! I'm three steps ahead of you!

Oh, Chief, your boy's been kidnapped. - Oh, God!

Looks like we've got our first case ever, Skinny Boy. And this time, it's personal.

Who is this? - It's me, Chief. I'm on the other extension.

Well, golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male between the ages of six and 10, thinning hair.

What do you suppose the rent is on a hideout like that?

Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us.

Ah, let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again each and every week... always in more sexy and exciting ways.

Oh, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?

While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar... his old lady has a better idea... She's got the 'munchies' for a California cheeseburger

Uh, there's Chiquita. That's Del Monte. There's a Banan Co. Gorilla's Choice

Oh, I won't be getting up soon

For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?

It set my brother straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave

we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law

So the hook is baited. Nice metaphor, Eddie. Yeah, good work, Eddie.

Give her a nice cell- something in C Block

This is Wiggum reporting a 318- waking a police officer.

Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg... a big scar on his cheek. Anything unusual? Hooks for hands, uh- Oh, he was wearing a striped convict's shirt. He was carrying a big sack with a dollar sign on it.

Classic burglar.

It's been done.

Get the tear gas.

Well, that car thief can't hold his breath forever. - And if he can, Chief? - Then God help us all.

You poor little boy! - Ah, no. He'll be fine. He's always getting himself stuffed into this or that.

Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy. That's a dog he made up who flies by wagging his tail.

Ah, yeah, the kid's incredible. I mean, the special schools are all over him.

Sure, we'd all love some real friends, Marge... but what are the odds of that happening?

A 341 in my own bedroom. All right, crookie. Let's dance.

What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?

It's on the house.

It looks like someone tried to eat him. What are you looking at me for?

Boy, I'll tell ya. [Chuckles] They only come out at night. Or in this case, uh, the daytime.

That's a shame. He had one day left till retirement.

First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns. Hey, that was self-defense.

Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal- Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.

You kids crack me up.

Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief. Ah, geez, Lou. How long were you gonna let me keep drinking this thing?

Apu Nahasa- pasa- Ah,just Moe.Just Moe.

Now that's what I call a bad hair day.

Oh! Thanks, Pinky! You've always been there for me.

My God! It's nothin' but carrots and peyote. Damn longhairs never learn, Chief.

Oh, what are you gonna do, call your godfather, huh? 'Oh, Godfather'

That's why we're jumping to the conclusion that this was the work of no-good punk kids.

Any kid caught on the street after dark will be shot... or returned to their parents, as the situation may warrant.

Achtung, babies! Curfew is in effect!

Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert. [Deep Voice] Not at all, officer. [Laughing]

Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou. Mm-hmm.

Listen up, punks. The moral of the story is... the adults always win. For crying out loud, Eddie. You scared the hell out of me.

Don't forget to clean under the jowls. That spot is Club Med for mildew.

And let this be a lesson to you! Kids never learn! [Snickers]

We promise we won't kill ya. Speak for yourself.

'Swab'? I thought it was a spray. Okay. She's second.

Go swab Begley. He likes it.

That car was just two days away from retirement.

Can the sweet talk, Thelma & Louise.

Why are the pretty ones always insane?

Bears can't talk, Eddie.

I won't even get sexual or nothin'- unless that's what you want.

Ah, geez. Darned laminated- Would you mind? I got stubby fingers.

That's your hat.

That's the new omni-lash, boys. Just look at that snapback. - Yeah, it's sweet.

Eh, slave labor. You get what you pay for.

You're under arrest for 'megacide.'

Oh, I don't live here. I'm just dropping off Indian casino pamphlets. Vote 'yes' on Prop 217.

Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog. Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals

Can you recommend any books for my mobile? - anything by Jane Austen - Thanks Lisa. I'll get right on it.

How many gazebos do you she-males need?

'We the people,' 'cruel and unusual,' blah, blah, blah. 'Ritual circumcision,' yak, yak, yak.