El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer The

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:News and arts? That's all crud.

Homer:Sports? Comics? I don't have time for that garbage. Just give me the section with the celebrity gossip and TV listings.

Marge:Homer, those are the only sections you ever read.

Homer:Exactly! Finally, someone who understands me.

Bart:Oh, I didn't cut it out. I photocopied it.

Lisa:I was just trying to... to trim the hedges.

Homer:Well, I've just been... dog-dangling all afternoon.

Homer:Marge, are you smoking?

Marge:Oh Homer, I'm not smoking. I'm just enjoying the fresh, rich taste of Cigarettes™ — now available in Menthol Fresh and Smooth Vanilla. Cigarettes™: because sometimes a woman needs a moment to herself.

Marge:I only smoke when I'm stressed, angry, or sad.

Homer:Mmm, those are the only times worth being alive.

Marge:I hid it because Homer gets competitive. He's like a drunk poet at a chili cook-off — he shows up, makes a mess, and nobody understands what he's trying to do.

Homer:Wa-hoo! I'm a cloud! Float float float...

Marge:Homer, you were acting ridiculous at the party.

Homer:I don't remember that. Memory is unreliable anyway.

Marge:Homer, you drink too much. You need to cut back on the beer.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well maybe you should cut back on the cigarettes like you did before.

Bart:While you guys are busy stuffing your faces, I'm gonna hit the lost and found. Those tourists never come back for their stuff.

Marge:Oh, a spice rack! How wonderful!

Marge:Wait... we don't have any spices.

Homer:Paprika? Why would anyone need this when they have ketchup?

Homer:Marge, quit your crafts, I need some grub. Make me some food or I'll rub-a-dub-dub!

Homer:Fun? That's what I call eating.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, you're a party pooper-scooper!

Marge:Homer promised he wouldn't drink anymore.

Helen Lovejoy:Well, I'm sure he'll stick to it this time. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Helen Lovejoy:Did you hear about Homer Simpson? He was seen at the bar last night!

Reverend Lovejoy:Oh my. Well, we mustn't judge. But please, do continue.

Helen Lovejoy:And he was with that Lenny fellow, drinking until closing time!

Reverend Lovejoy:How terribly un-Christian. Tell me everything.

Man:I'm here to enter the chili contest.

Chief Wiggum:Well, well, well, what's your name, friend?

Man:They call me the Chili King. I've eaten the hottest peppers in the world.

Lard Lad:The Chili King? I've heard stories about you!

Man:My reputation precedes me.

Homer:So what's your secret?

Man:Years of building up a tolerance to spicy food. Started with jalapeños, moved to habaneros, then ghost peppers.

Moe:That's some serious dedication.

Man:When you've eaten as much fire as I have, regular chili is child's play.

Chief Wiggum:And the secret ingredient is... love.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'm sure it's just delicious!

Homer Simpson:Actually, I found this spoon in 1947...

Homer Simpson:It belonged to a Portuguese pirate named Senor Spoon.

Homer Simpson:He sailed the seven seas looking for the world's greatest chili.

Homer Simpson:Legend has it he died with this spoon in his hand, still searching.

Homer Simpson:And now, I use it to make chili!

Chili Vendor:Alright, alright, it's not really five alarms. I just wanted to impress people.

Ralph Wiggum:Dad, what's wrong? Why are you sweating?

Homer Simpson:It's nothing, boy. Just... very hot chili.

Ralph Wiggum:But you said it wasn't spicy...

Homer Simpson:...I know what I said.

Woman:I'm worried this square dancing is too complicated!

Country Dancer:Don't you worry now, honey. Just do-si-do, and then you promenade, and the music will take you where you need to go. It's easy as pie, smooth as butter, neat as a cat's litter!

Chief Wiggum:Oh, this is just an insipid mush of pale, flavorless goop. It's like eating a cloud of broken dreams and shattered hopes.

Chief Wiggum:That Homer Simpson! He's always causing trouble. And now he's got some ridiculous title 'pope of chili town'.

Chief Wiggum:The secret ingredient is... love!

Chief Wiggum:Just kidding, it's a heap of jalapeños.

Chief Wiggum:You see, the pepper is a complex creature with its own mythology and culture...

Homer:Wait, wait... is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Homer:Woo-hoo! I'm gonna eat all these peppers!

Homer:Mmm... peppers... Oh, that's nice. Oh!

Homer:Ow! Ow! My mouth is on fire! Water! I need water!

Homer:Beer! Where's my beer?! Mmm... beer...

Homer:Why does everyone keep calling me a chili wuss? I'm not a wuss! I'm a man!

Marge:Homer, you cried like a baby when you ate that pepper.

Homer:That was different! My mouth was on fire!

Bart:Yeah Dad, you were screaming and rolling around on the ground.

Homer:I was not! I was... executing a strategic tactical maneuver!

Bart:Dad, that's candle wax!

Homer:I know.

Crowd:He's too fat! He's too dumb! He's juuust right!

Dr. Hibbert:Well, if steam is coming from his ears, that's actually a sign of a much worse problem.

Homer:What could be worse than steam coming from my ears?

Dr. Hibbert:Well, if it were coming from somewhere else, I'd be very concerned.

Homer:I'm the king of the world!

Chief Wiggum:Homer, you're an idiot.

Homer:Yeah, well at least I know what my job is!

Chief Wiggum:You're the safety inspector at the nuclear plant.

Homer:Right, right. So what's YOUR job again?

Homer:Flanders, I'm hallucinating. Can you help me?

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-doodly, Homer! I'd be tickled pink to lend a helping hand-erino!

Ned Flanders:Just focus on my voice and the blibber-blabber will flooba-dooba in your noggin-a-rooney!

Ned Flanders:Well, I guess you could say I'm a real... twist and shout kind of fella! Okily-dokily!

Audience:*mechanical laughter*

Chief Wiggum:He's fine.

Homer:What's happening to me? I can't think straight. Did I damage my brain? No wait... did I... brain my damage?

Homer:I'm seeing things... pink elephants, dancing donuts... Wait, what if I'm already dead? Or what if I'm dreaming? Or what if the real world is actually the dream and I'm awake in some cosmic void?

Homer:You know what? All this thinking is making my brain hurt. I don't know what's real anymore, so the safest thing to do is... nothing.

Homer:That's right. No moving, no talking, no thinking. If I just sit here perfectly still, maybe reality will sort itself out.

Helen Lovejoy:Well, if it isn't Homer Simpson. Always making a spectacle of himself at these community events. Think of the children!

Rev. Lovejoy:Helen, you need to stop gossiping about the parishioners.

Helen Lovejoy:But Reverend, if I don't tell people about their sins, how will they know to be ashamed?

Marge:Homer, you promised you wouldn't drink anymore.

Homer:I know, but...

Marge:Your promises are like your New Year's resolutions — forgotten by January 2nd.

Homer:Why is everything so... spinny?

Stranger:Hey, this rock looks comfortable. Mind if I sit on you? I mean, it?

Homer:Mmm... rocks...

Homer:Hey, Mr. Tortoise! Want to see something cool?

Homer:This is how we communicate where I come from.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Homer:Why you little...

Homer:He's getting me back for that time I stepped on him!

Lisa:Bart, why are you wearing a chili hat?

Bart:Eat my shorts, Lisa! At least I don't wear a stupid... uh... whatever hat you're not wearing!

Bart:Your hat's so lame, it makes a dead guy look alive!

Lisa:Bart, that doesn't even make logical sense. A dead person can't look alive because they're, by definition, dead.

Bart:Oh, here we go with the logic thing. You know what? Logic is for nerds.

Homer:Marge? Marge! Marge, where are you?

Homer:If you don't show up, I'm gonna be mad!

Homer:Hey! This isn't fair! I'm paying for this hallucination with my own brain!

Space Coyote:You have too many voices in your head.

Homer:I know. Shut up!

Homer Simpson:So if I get rid of all my possessions, I'll achieve enlightenment?

Space Coyote:No, man. You should totally keep your stuff. Possessions are awesome. You need a TV, a stereo, maybe some cool lamps. Enlightenment is overrated anyway.

Space Coyote:I'm sorry, man. It's just that we coyotes are very territorial.

Homer:I'm seeking spiritual enlightenment.

Homer:If I don't find inner peace, I'm gonna punch somebody!

Coyote:You must find your soul mate, Homer.

Homer:Soul mate? I'm already married.

Coyote:No, your true soul mate. The one you are destined to be with.

Homer:Oh, you mean like a hot chick? Forget it, I'm not interested.

Coyote:It is your destiny!

Homer:Look, I don't have time for this mystical coyote stuff. Besides, aren't you a dog?

Homer:Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Ahhhh!

Homer:Woo-hoo! I'm alive! Wait, where am I?

Homer:A golf course? How did I get here? Last thing I remember, I was... I was...

Homer:You know what? I don't need to understand everything. There's probably a perfectly logical explanation. I must've sleepwalked here after eating too much pepperoni pizza before bed.

Homer:Mmmm... pepperoni pizza...

Homer:I know what I saw. That coyote was real and it talked to me.

Marge:Homer, you were eating peyote.

Homer:So? That doesn't mean—

Santa's Little Helper:Homer, your wife is right. You were hallucinating.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Wait, dogs can't talk!

Dog:That's right, we can't.

Marge:Homer, I'm sick of your drinking! It's destroying this family!

Homer:Marge, that's not fair. I only drink on days that end in 'y'.

Marge:Soul mate? Homer, you break every promise you make. I'm not your soul mate, I'm your soul servant.

Homer:Marge, I've been thinking. Your music taste is terrible.

Marge:Homer, that's not fair. What's wrong with my music?

Homer:Well, it's boring and sophisticated. My music, on the other hand, is sophisticated AND boring.

Homer:So clearly, I win.

Homer Simpson:So you're telling me you've never found your soul mate?

Furniture Salesman:Well, I'm a furniture salesman, not a therapist. That'll be $3,000.

Barney:Soul mate? Homer, I love you, but let's be honest — you're more of a drinking buddy. And even then, only when I'm desperate.

Moe:Look, Homer and me, we're not exactly friends. But I'll tell ya, if he ever needed a kidney, I'd give him one of mine.

Homer:Really?

Moe:Yeah... I got two. I can live with one.

Homer:Can you help me?

Space Coyote:I can only speak to you in visions and dreams. I cannot help you in the real world.

Homer:Hello? Is anybody here?

Automated Voice:Welcome to the automated lighthouse. Please state your business.

Homer:Oh no, it's a machine! Where's Earl?

Automated Voice:Earl was deactivated in 1987. I am his replacement.

Bart:Whoa, check it out — it's like the Bat Signal, except it's just a really fat guy blocking out the light.

Homer:Why does everything bad happen to me? I'm the most pathetic person in the universe. Even the stars are laughing at me. I bet aliens are up there right now, pointing at Earth going, 'Look at that loser down there. That's Homer Simpson.'

Ship crew member:Captain, we've safely delivered the precious cargo.

Captain:Excellent! What is this mysterious cargo?

Ship crew member:Hot pants, sir.

Marge:Well, I deduced it from the fact that Homer is always staring at the TV, and the only thing that keeps his attention is when there are blinking lights on the screen.

Homer:I thought we weren't soul mates because you were smart and I was dumb.

Marge:And you thought that meant we couldn't understand each other.

Homer:Exactly!

Marge:But we do understand each other, Homer. That's what makes us soul mates.

Homer:Mars? Scary? What if there's Martians? What if they're mean?

Marge:Homer and I have our sames and our differents.

Homer:Take that, spiritual guide!

Ship Captain:Full steam ahead! We're heading straight for those rocks!