Mommy Nearest

Will:It's round, it's rubber and you'll never use it.

Will:Carlton, can we please keep your hand puppet out of this?

Will · Carlton:Look, it's a California's driver's license. I think you're confused, Will. You need a license to drive a car, not steal one.

Will:I'm sorry, Carlton, I didn't understand you, I don't speak pygmy.

Uncle Phil:No. I hate family reunions. I always do all the work.

Vivian:Would you pick me up a gallon of Rocky Road and some sardines.

Vivian:And don't eat it all on the way home like you did last time.

Will:I'm guessing, the guy with no rhythm.

Someone:You mean Carlton?

Will:That's 'cause she be spending a lot of time in front of the microwave.

Helen:Well, you certainly have the pants for it.

Will:Uncle Phil, if I would have said that I would have gotten smacked in my head.

Helen:Now that's the first time a man has smiled at me since my divorce.

Helen:But I don't like to badmouth him without the kid around. You know, it's like doing the work twice.

Will:Yeah, like I really want some old lady's snot rag.

Will:Maybe she got cable.

Janice:Although, he's not a brother. I mean he is a brother... because he's my brother, but he's just not your kind of brother.

Someone:Oh, brother.

Will:No, I think I'm going to stick with the black folks on this one.

Will:What kind of car he want to get me, Mom?

Geoffrey:Sir, when she's not looking, break one of her crystal figurines. It'll work wonders for your attitude.

Helen:That does it, I'm getting me a white man.

Helen:No, just to help around the house a little bit.

Helen:Now, come on, you know you all were thinking it.

Vivian:A horny husband.

Al:Hey, call me Will, man. What you say, you take me down to one of them dance clubs... you all be going to.

Al:Never mind, boy, I thought you was hip. Get on out of my house.

Al:It ain't nobody, Mama. Get your big old butt back in here then.

Vy:Lord, who'd of thought he'd shoot up 12 inches... in his freshman year.

Al:Because I'm a 72-year-old man still living with his mother.

Al:Can I have $10 to go to the movies?

Al's Mom:Damn, got to use more dynamite next time.

Will:I swear that man's part jackhammer.

Will:Well, I guess you old enough to remember.

Aunt:Yeah, but I'm still young enough to kick your butt.

Will:Personally, I prefer eating. You don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Tina Turner:Can we just for once have a conversation without my name being mentioned?

Helen:No, but I wish you would.

Geoffrey:Apparently, I gave you the impression that I really wanted to know.

Phil:Okay, Vivian, I told him everything you wanted me to... now give me my piece of pie.

Carlton:I love them, take me. Take me.

Carlton:Well, you smell like broccoli.

Carlton:Well, you smell like broccoli.

Will:Look what the wind did to my hat.

Will:And whatever else of them holidays... it'd take to get that evil look out your face.

Geoffrey:Sir, when she's not looking, break one of her crystal fusiliers.

Geoffrey:They must got them in London.