I Done 1

Will:Man, you looked just like a cow caught in the headlights.

Carlton · Will:The correct term is 'deer caught in the headlights.' / Oh, yeah, yeah. I know. / Forty-eight, 49, a jillion.

Ashley · Vivian · Will:Mom, how old are you? / Younger than your father. / But everything's younger than Dad.

Phil:And a nephew that's, uh... That's, uh... Hey, buddy, you're gonna love kindergarten.

Carlton:Well, it looks like we're all in the fast lane. Except for Will. I mean, someone has to be stuck on the soft shoulder.

Will:Y'all hear what he said? Stuck on the soft shoulder. Hey, are all the other munchkins as funny as you?

Will:Great, I love champagne. I mean, I love the look of it. The color and the bubbles.

Hilary:Oh, Geoffrey, I'm gonna miss you. Oh, we have to have a special going-away dinner for you. What do you wanna make?

Nicky:Don't worry, Will, you can come to kindergarten with me.

Hillary · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, get in here, I need you. / Oh, don't you just love it? / Love it.

Phil · Will:I'm not getting older, I'm just getting better. / That's the same thing I'd say if I was on the downside of the hill.

Carlton:Before I go to Princeton, there's a few loose ends I'd like to tie up. I've taken the liberty of re-drafting your will. Now, if you'll sign right here and initial this little box... in the event you lapse into a coma, that'll give us the right to pull the plug.

Will · Carlton:How about a little sensitivity? / All right, but if he keels over today, we're screwed.

Jazz:Happy birthday, Mr. Banks. Heard you had quite a soiree last night. That's French for 'shindig.'

Phil:What's French for 'unwelcomed guest'?

Jazz:They're false teeth. They were my grandmom's. She don't need them no more.

Will:Man, Uncle Phil, you beat your own record by, like, 10 feet.

Will:There he is. The oldest man in the world.

Carlton:But that won't get my dry cleaning picked up. Chop-chop, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey:And to think I fished that boy out of the pool.

Ashley · Hilary:I don't think so. We agreed I could pick out the colors. / We agreed that you would have input. / That's right, and I'm inputting these colors into our apartment. / My apartment.

Hilary · Ashley:And I just changed my mind, you'll have no input whatsoever. / This is gonna be so much fun, us living together.

Carlton:I'm gonna miss this time we've spend together. Me working hard, focusing on my career... and you sitting around in the house all day in your robe playing Nintendo.

Carlton:You always make me feel so, so superior.

Carlton:Like the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant worked all summer long storing up food... while the grasshopper frittered away his time. Well, the winter has come and you've just been frittering. Frittering. Frittering. Frittering.

Will:You know the ladybug from the bookstore, the one the ant has the crush on? She even came over to spend some time with that fine grasshopper. The weekend he was away at Princeton.

Carlton · Will:Well, what was she doing here? / Frittering. / Mm. She fritters so good.

Carlton:And soon enough, you're gonna be the only guy in the pool house. With the rest of us striking out on our own... the only question is, who's gonna move out first, you or Nicky?

Carlton:Better hope he doesn't go to boarding school.

Will:My friend doesn't know what pensive means.

Geoffrey:It's the tale of the young Earl of Monroe... who wanted to build a bridge over the River Mersey. He labored for years and years and finally he was all done and quite proud of himself.

Geoffrey · Will:Well, actually, when the earl completed the bridge, he flung himself off it. / Dude killed himself? / Quite.

Will · Geoffrey:That's the advice that your father gave you? / My father was not a well man.

Will:Yeah, I guess I could start by washing your pants in a thimble.

Carlton:Oh, not to worry, Big Guy. Will's gonna be sitting around this table for years to come.

Carlton:It's either that or the Homeboy Homeless Shelter. Ha!

Will:For your information, midget boy, I already got an apartment.

Carlton:Don't toy with my emotions, Will. I've been waiting a long time, I'm very vulnerable.

Carlton:The pool house is mine. Yes.

Geoffrey:Looks like you've painted yourself into a corner this time, Master William.

Will:I'm one of the best corner-getter-outers that there is. You'll see.

Geoffrey:Within a week, I shall be at 30,000 feet headed to London... with many tiny bottles of Jim Beam dancing in front of me.

Geoffrey:But until then... your back is mine.

Will:When did the story fairy descend on this house?

Landlord:Fine. Don't touch that channel! That cupcake's mine!

Will · Landlord:I just thought somebody was there, you know, because... / No. I'm alone.

Will:Did you ever see that movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?

Geoffrey · Phil:In lieu of my spring bonus, I think it would be a magnificent gesture... if you sent me back to London first class on the Concorde. / What would you consider an adequate gesture? / Business class with a kosher meal.

Phil · Geoffrey:What would be less than adequate? / Working here another year.

Carlton · Phil:Will did it. / No one did anything. Now sit down.

Ashley · Phil:Then what's the point of moving? / Can I have that one back?

Phil · Hilary:Hilary, you're 27. / That doesn't leave this room.

Carlton:Oh, great. Now I can kiss Glee Club goodbye.

Hilary:Oh, no, Dad. November's sweeps month. No can do.

Ashley · Carlton · Hilary:What if I meet somebody and they invite me to their house? / Well, what if I meet somebody? / Well, what if she meets somebody?

Will · Peter:Man, this is less than what I'm paying now, Mr. Clark. / No, call me Peter, huh? / Oh, cool. Peter. / Hey, so when you moving out? / I'm not moving out.

Nicky:That's plenty of time to paint. Chop-chop.

Geoffrey:The word 'duh' comes to mind.

Will:Uncle Phil can relate to that. He a man, he lumpy.

Carlton:Dad, we've already been through this. We'll give you Columbus Day.

Will:What are you, crazy? I mean that in the most respectful way.

Hilary:I know what this is. I did an entire show on it. 'The change of life.' Are you experiencing mood swings? Trouble sleeping? Do your breasts ache?

Vivian · Hilary:I am not going through menopause. / Mood swing at 3 o'clock.

Will:Oh, yeah. It's soft, Uncle Phil. Marshmallowy.

Carlton:Then let's dump this puppy.

Will:Yeah, she grew up in this house, and Carlton still has a lot of growing to do.

Carlton:Did I say that?

Will:Oh. Um... I bought a monkey.