Last Exit To Springfield

Homer:D'oh!

McBain villain:Behold! My new creation - a drug so powerful, so addictive, that one taste will enslave the world! I call it... Swank!

Homer:Don't worry Bart, movie villains always announce their plans. They're not really that dangerous.

Mr. Burns:Excellent... *sinister laugh*

Mr. Burns:Ah yes, the union contract. Let me see what sort of lavish benefits we're providing these workers... Ah, here it is. One green cookie per year.

Smithers:Sir, that's just a mint.

Past worker:You know, I've been thinking about the future of this plant. Mark my words - in thirty years, there won't be any manufacturing left in America. It'll all be overseas.

Past Burns:Japanese? Bah! A bunch of rice farmers in little boats. They'll never be an economic threat to us.

Past Burns:Why, by the year 2000, they'll still be eating with sticks and bowing to each other like trained circus animals.

Mr. Burns:Yes, I've made many mistakes over the years. But I learned from each one.

Mr. Burns:Well, except for that time I shot the worker who predicted my downfall. I regret nothing about that.

Dr. Wolfe:Do you brush your teeth every day, Ralph?

Ralph:No, only the ones I want to keep.

Dr. Wolfe:This book will help explain the importance of proper dental hygiene.

Dr. Wolfe:It's called 'Fluor and Loathing in Las Vegas.'

Child:What do you do with the teeth you extract?

Dr. Wolfe:I spray paint them and sell them to feed my family.

Lisa:I'm worried the braces will make me even less popular.

Dr. Wolfe:Lisa, I have some bad news. You're already unpopular. The braces won't change that.

Bart:Hey, we could charge admission! 'Come see the woman with teeth like a picket fence!'

Homer:Donuts... donuts... donuts...

Homer:Wait, what was I thinking about?

Homer:Oh yeah, donuts!

Homer:Wait, wait, I just realized something important—

Carl:Homer, you're up. It's your turn at darts.

Homer:No, no, this can't wait. I was just thinking about—

Carl:Come on, man. Just throw.

Homer:D'oh! I forgot what I was gonna say!

Homer:D'oh!

Gummy Joe:I got a dental plan! I got a dental plan!

Gummy Joe:Lisa needs braces.

Smithers:Sir, Homer Simpson has had numerous major interactions with you over the years. He's saved your life multiple times, won your golf tournament, been your bodyguard...

Burns:Yes, yes, very well. Now who is this Homer Simpson you speak of?

Smithers:Sir, he works in Sector 7G of the power plant. You see him nearly every day.

Burns:I don't recall any Homer. Is he a new employee?

Homer:How much does the union president make?

Union member:Oh, about $300,000 a year.

Homer:300,000 dollars?! But I thought this was supposed to be a union for working men!

Union member:It is.

Homer:Well, what about kickbacks? Illegal gambling? Shady pension fund deals?

Union member:Oh, there's plenty of that.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Marge:Homer, I'm so proud of you running for union president. You're going to do great things!

Homer:Thanks, Marge. You really think so?

Marge:Of course! You're the perfect man for the job.

Homer:Perfect man? Did you say... perfect?

Fat Tony:Homer, as the new union boss, I'm offering you a choice: take the money under the table, or...

Fat Tony:...take this donut.

Homer:Mmm... donut.

Lisa:Dad, I'll trade you my meatloaf for your pork chops.

Homer:Done!

Lisa:But Dad, I called it a doorstop.

Homer:Mmm... doorstop.

Dr. Wolfe:These are the finest braces money can buy. They're made of titanium, they have a built-in whitening system, and they come with a choice of four designer scents.

Dr. Wolfe:These are the most affordable braces I have. They're made from the same materials we use to build school buses.

Homer:School buses? But they rust, dent, and occasionally catch fire!

Dr. Wolfe:Exactly. That's why we're passing the savings on to you.

Lenny:Hey Carl, you got something on your back.

Carl:What? Where?

Lenny:It's a Sugar Daddy. Must've stuck to you from the vending machine.

Carl:A sugar daddy? Finally!

Homer:Wait, are you coming on to me, Mr. Burns?

Homer:Mr. Burns, I'm flattered, but I'm a married man.

Dr. Wolfe:Now don't be scared! These are just my friendly helpers. This little fellow is Mr. Suction - he loves to keep things nice and clean! And this is my good friend, the Scaler - he just wants to say hello to your teeth!

Bart:Those look like instruments of torture.

Dr. Wolfe:Nonsense! And this beauty here is the Polisher - she gives everyone the brightest smile in Springfield!

Lisa:I am the Walrus.

Dentist:No, you're not. You're just a girl under nitrous oxide.

Lisa:Goo goo g'joob.

Goon 1:Good evening. We are here to break your kneecaps.

Marge:Oh my!

Goon 2:We do apologize for the inconvenience.

Homer:You could have just called me on the phone.

Burns:Yes, well, some people prefer the personal touch of goon intimidation. It's all about customer service.

Spanish TV Announcer:¡Mira el gato! ¡Qué apestoso!

Mr. Burns:Ah yes, the famous thought experiment. A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters will eventually produce the works of Shakespeare.

Monkey:Ooh ooh ooh! *types frantically*

Mr. Burns:Excellent! We have produced Hamlet! Wait... what's this? 'To be or not to be, that is the quesion.' There's a 's' where the 't' should be! Blast!

Homer:Mr. Burns, your basement is disgusting. Why would you show anyone this?

Mr. Burns:Well, I wasn't planning to show anyone. You followed me down here.

Burns:Simpson, I'm glad you could make it. Now, we need to discuss the flow of our operations.

Homer:Flow? Oh god...

Burns:Yes, things have been moving rather slowly. We need to relieve some of the pressure in our system.

Homer:Please, Mr. Burns...

Burns:I won't stand for any more waste. We must flush out the inefficiencies and get things running smoothly again.

Homer:I'm gonna burst!

Mr. Burns:Release the hounds!

Mr. Burns:Why, you little... I'll have you know I'm still a threat, despite my numerous physical ailments and advanced age!

Homer:When Marge gives me the silent treatment, that means she loves me. When she throws things at me, that's affection. And when she threatens to kill me in my sleep, that's basically a marriage proposal.

Marge:Homer, I'm going to kill you in your sleep.

Homer:Aww, she likes me!

Photographer:Come on, smile! Say cheese!

Lisa:Cheese.

Photographer:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. Why would you... I need to sit down. I need to call my family. I need to tell them I love them.

Homer:All in favor of the three-day workweek?

Workers:Aye!

Homer:All opposed?

Lenny:Nay.

Homer:It's unanimous!

Lenny:Wait, I said nay.

Homer:Oh, there's a rat in the union.

Homer:We're gonna find him and we're gonna kill him.

Old strikebreaker:We'd tell 'em a long, rambling story with no point. That way they got tired and forgot why they were striking.

Grampa Simpson:Back in '57, I was a strikebreaker for the plant. We'd go in there with our clubs and— well, actually it was '58. Or was it '59? Anyway, the union boss, his name was Sideburns McGillicuddy, had a glass eye that he kept in a jar of vinegar. Smart man. Very smart. Where was I? Oh yeah, the strike. We busted some heads, made some friends, lost a shoe— still don't know how that happened. The shoe, I mean. Anyway, turns out the whole thing was about potato salad. The union wanted potato salad in the cafeteria. So we fought 'em for three weeks. Three weeks! Over potato salad. I'll tell you what though, we won. Or they won. Someone won. But nobody got potato salad, so I guess we all lost. Except for Sideburns McGillicuddy. He got promoted to— what was I talking about?

Kent Brockman:So Homer, what's your stance on unions?

Homer:Unions? I love unions! They're great for workers' rights and—

Kent Brockman:I meant labor unions, Homer.

Homer:*makes dinosaur sounds and stomps away*

Mr. Burns:Yes, finally, a chance to address the nation. Citizens of America, I have an announcement of the utmost importance. First, I'm raising the price of beer by three cents per ounce. Second, I'm eliminating the weekend. And third... I'm declaring war on the state of Ohio.

Mr. Burns:I do so like green eggs and ham. I do so like them, Sam-I-am. But not as much as I like to watch the poor squirm without electricity. A toaster-ma-jig here, a whizz-bang-doodle there. Ah yes, Springfield's suffering is delicious.

Burns:Simpson, you drive a hard bargain. I'll give you the raise.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Burns:You know, in all my years of negotiating, I've rarely met a man with less business acumen.

Homer:Lisa, I can barely see your new braces.

Lisa:That's the point, Dad. They're almost invisible.

Homer:Well, I guess you could say the tooth is out there... I mean the truth is out there.

Lisa:I can't believe we all learned something today and became better people.

Homer:Me too, sweetie.

Marge:Group hug!

Dentist:Lisa, you can spit now.

Lisa:Hehehehe... okay... hehehehe...