Marge In Chains

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such infomercials as 'The Microwave That's Also a Boat' and 'Boat-Shaped Microwave: A Microwave Shaped Like a Boat.' But now, feast your eyes on the S.S. Microwave! It's a microwave... shaped like a ship! Perfect for heating up your leftovers while you pretend you're sailing the seven seas. And if you order in the next ten minutes, we'll throw in this complimentary captain's hat. Why, just last Tuesday, I used mine to make the most delicious crêpes.

Announcer:Introducing the Doggie Doorman! Now your dog can experience the luxury and respect of a five-star hotel.

Announcer:A uniformed doorman greets your pet at the door, takes their leash, and escorts them inside with the utmost courtesy.

Announcer:Your dog will feel like royalty as they're treated with the same formal hospitality we reserve for our most distinguished guests.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such films as 'The Radioactive Man' and 'Dial 'M' for Murderousness'.

Troy McClure:But my most recent work includes 'The President's Neck Is Missing' and 'Fun with Dirt'.

Troy McClure:You know, I've been squeezing these oranges for ten minutes now, and I gotta say... maybe there's an easier way to do this.

Troy McClure:So how much does a glass of orange juice cost these days?

Bartender:A dollar fifty.

Troy McClure:A dollar fifty?! That's highway robbery! Do you know what farmers have to do to oranges to make them that cheap?

Bartender:No...

Troy McClure:Neither do I, but I imagine it's pretty gross.

Dr. Nick:It's whisper quiet!

Troy McClure:What?!

Dr. Nick:I said it's whisper quiet!

Troy McClure:I can't hear you!

Dr. Nick:But wait, there's more! You also get this all-in-one suntan lotion and laxative!

Dr. Nick:Why do we combine them? No reason!

Homer:I'm gonna get healthy with juice. I'll have more energy, better skin, live longer...

Homer:I'll be able to answer the phone without getting chest pains.

Homer:Wait, I already get chest pains from answering the phone?

Barney:Homer, you gotta keep this flu thing quiet. I can't let Lenny and Carl know I'm sick.

Homer:Why not? They're your friends.

Barney:Because last week I told them I had a broken leg, and they believed me. I've been working this whole time with a compound fracture!

Homer:Marge, I have something very important to say to you.

Homer:I love you very much.

Marge:Oh Homer, that's so sweet!

Homer:Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my new juicer.

Homer:Here you go, Marge. A juicer! So you can make fresh juice.

Marge:Homer, you're sick! You shouldn't be handling this!

Homer:Ah, a little germy juice never hurt anybody.

Marge:HOMER! *horrified gasp*

Arnie Pie:This is Arnie Pie in the sky reporting heavy traffic on the interstate... WHOA WHOA WHOA! The helicopter is spinning! We're going down! MAYDAY MAYDAY!

Kent Brockman:We seem to have lost our traffic report.

Arnie Pie:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch out below!

Arnie Pie:*vomits*

White Blood Cell 1:Alright men, we've got incoming pathogens. Time to mount a defense!

White Blood Cell 2:Wait, what time is it?

White Blood Cell 1:It's 9 AM on a Tuesday.

White Blood Cell 2:Oh no. That means it's a school day.

Commander:All units, stand down. Surrender immediately.

White Blood Cell 1:But sir, we can take them!

Commander:Negative. The kid needs to stay home sick. We're letting this infection win.

White Blood Cell:Enthusiastically embracing their new role making infection symptoms

Mayor Quimby:I've canceled my Bahamas vacation due to the epidemic.

Steel Drum Player:But sir, I'm in the Bahamas right now.

Mayor Quimby:What? How is that possible?

Steel Drum Player:I never left.

Mr. Burns:Well? Who are you?

Homer:Okay, think Homer, think. You're in a germ-free chamber. You gotta make up a story. Say you're a... nuclear inspector. No wait, he'd know you're not. Say you're... say you're...

Homer:Mr. Burns!

Doctor:Placebos are the only cure.

Crowd Member 1:Did he say 'placebos'?

Crowd Member 2:No, he said 'place-bows'!

Crowd Member 3:A truck full of place-bows!

Crowd:To the truck! To the truck!

Ned Flanders:Well, the bee stings cured me! I haven't felt this good in years!

Ned Flanders:Wait... I mean, ouch.

Rod Flanders:Dad's speaking in tongues! It's a miracle!

Ned Flanders:Oh, it's just a fever, boy. Nothing divine about it.

Maude Flanders:Why is God punishing us with this terrible illness?

Maude Flanders:Wait... I see it now. That TV! We've been watching secular programming!

Al Bundy:Plants are lifeless and limp.

Peg Bundy:Then they belong in the bedroom with you.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'll be diddly-doodly! Fox's slogan is 'You're Damned if You Watch!' And here I thought it was just a clever turn of phrase!

Bart:Mom, can I get some medicine? I'm sick.

Marge:Of course, honey. Here are your children's vitamins.

Bart:Do you have these in a hardcore drug format?

Grampa Simpson:I can't have liquids after 3pm, but I want bourbon! What am I gonna do?

Grampa Simpson:Wait, what if I freeze it into a popsicle? That's a solid, not a liquid!

Grampa Simpson:Please, just let me have the bourbon! My hands are shaking! I need it!

Apu:Well, you see, these bottles were slightly contaminated by a mental patient, so we had to mark them down.

Marge:What?!

Store Employee:Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to step over here.

Store Employee:I need to measure your hair. It's exactly 2 feet tall.

Apu:Marge! I am very disappointed. You are shoplifting from my store!

Marge:I'm so sorry, Apu. I don't know what came over me.

Apu:Well, perhaps this will teach you a lesson. From now on, you are banned from the Kwik-E-Mart!

Apu:But before you go, would you like to try our new Kwik-E-Mart brand bourbon? It's finger-lickin'... I mean, it's very refreshing.

Police Officer:You're under arrest for shoplifting.

Police Officer:While you're in there, grab me some donuts.

Lionel Hutz:Mrs. Simpson, I can offer you my complete legal services. And as a bonus, I'm throwing in this cigarette-smoking monkey.

Marge:But I don't want a cigarette-smoking monkey.

Lionel Hutz:You don't want him now, but you will. Everybody does.

Lionel Hutz:Well, technically I ran over the judge's dog... multiple times. And then I realized it wasn't the dog.

Lionel Hutz:It was the judge's son.

Homer:Apu, would you please drop the charges against me?

Apu:Oh, go to hell, you yellow-bellied son of a bitch!

Apu:Yes, well, you see, the prosecution must prove their case beyond a reasonable doubt. But if the convenience store is owned by a defense contractor, then naturally, reasonable doubt becomes... negotiable.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program for breaking news. Sources say Marge Simpson has been seen at the mall wearing a new outfit. In other news, Darth Vader is Luke's father.

Helen Lovejoy:Well, I shouldn't say anything, but Marge Simpson has webbed toes!

Helen Lovejoy:Can you imagine? A webbed toe! It's absolutely scandalous!

Process Server:I'm looking for Ed Flanders!

Ned Flanders:It's Ned, actually. Ned Flanders.

Process Server:Right, right, Ed.

Ned Flanders:No, Ned.

Process Server:Yeah, Ed Flanders. Here you go, pal.

Process Server:I learned my lesson. From now on, I'm eliminating the Flanders problem at the source.

Prosecutor:I'm asking about Tom Cruise versus Mel Gibson because I'm so confident in winning this case that I can afford to waste the jury's time with completely irrelevant celebrity gossip.

Helen Lovejoy:Well, I wouldn't say Marge has a drinking problem, but let's just say she's very friendly with the bottle.

Court Reporter:Let the record show that the witness made a 'glug glug' gesture.

Prosecutor:As you can see from the video evidence, Mrs. Simpson clearly took the item. However, some have theorized that a second shoplifter, on the grassy knoll of aisle 7, may have also been involved.

Lionel Hutz:Now, I move to introduce this bottle of bourbon as evidence. Your honor, if I may... *holds bottle to ear* What's that? You say you're feeling lonely? Of course you are.

Lionel Hutz:Well, I can't just leave you here all by yourself. Come on. *takes a swig and stumbles out of the courtroom*

Lionel Hutz:Hey, David, it's me. Listen, I need to talk to you about something important.

David:Lionel? What's going on? Aren't you in court?

Lionel Hutz:Yeah, yeah, we're on a break. But that's why I'm calling. I've been thinking about what you said at the meeting last week, and I really need your support right now.

David:Of course, man. That's what I'm here for. How many days sober are you at?

Lionel Hutz:Seventeen. But the judge is really tearing into my case, and I'm this close to heading to the bar after this.

David:The bar? Lionel, no—

Lionel Hutz:I know, I know. That's why I'm calling you. Can you just... I don't know... talk me through it?

Apu:I never forget anything. I have a photographic memory.

Homer:Really? What's pi?

Apu:3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510...

Homer:When does it end?

Apu:It doesn't.

Lionel Hutz:I have something shocking to reveal... something that will change everything you thought you knew about me.

Apu:What is it, Mr. Hutz?

Lionel Hutz:I'm not wearing the tie you described.

Bart Simpson:I want to be a lawyer.

Lionel Hutz:Lawyers? Why, there's not a single good lawyer in this country. Present company excluded, of course.

Lionel Hutz:We need more lawyers.

Lionel Hutz:Cut to idyllic peaceful scene... *shudders in horror*

Judge Snyder:Mr. Hutz, while your closing argument was... memorable, I can't help but notice you appear to be pantless.

Lionel Hutz:Your Honor, I'm a man of the people. Sometimes the people's pants don't fit me.

Lionel Hutz:Your Honor, I move for a bad court thingy.

Judge Snyder:You mean a mistrial?

Lionel Hutz:Yeah, that's what I said.

Bailiff:Has the jury reached a verdict?

Foreman:We have, Your Honor. We find the defendant... not guilty.

Judge Snyder:On what grounds?

Foreman:Well, we figured if he was guilty, he wouldn't be sitting right there in the courtroom. Guilty people run away.

Homer:That's true!

Judge Snyder:That's not how the law works.

Bart:Don't worry, Mom. I'm gonna break you out of here.

Marge:How, Bart? The security is impossible.

Bart:I've got a plan. I'm gonna dress up as a guard, sneak in some tools hidden in a wig, and—

Marge:Wait, you're going to dress as a guard AND bring a wig?

Bart:Yeah, a wig full of file saws. And high heels. The heels are also saws.

Marge:Bart, that makes no sense.

Bart:Exactly. They'll never suspect it.

Homer:Oh Marge, I'll miss so many things about you. Your... your... well, let's just say your upper body.

Homer:And the way you always know when I've had too much to drink and need someone to drive me home.

Homer:But most of all, I'll miss the way you look at me... like you actually believe in me.

Marge:What are you in for?

Cellmate:I stabbed a guy with an ice pick. We called it 'The Paperweight.'

Marge:Why?

Cellmate:Because it held down papers.

Homer:I'm gonna cook dinner tonight!

Marge:Homer, are you sure that's a good idea?

Homer:How hard can it be? I'll just throw some fish in a pot.

Marge:And the lobsters?

Homer:Those too! What could go wrong?

Marge:Homer... the fish is still alive.

Homer:That means it's fresh!

Marge:And the lobsters are escaping all over the kitchen!

Marge:Oh my! What is this? A fold-in? How delightful!

Marge:It's like magic! One image becomes another! Oh, this is wonderful!

Lisa:Dad, don't you think you should be more responsible with Maggie?

Homer:Responsible? Lisa, I have a plan. We let her live like a wild animal. By the time she's a teenager, she'll be able to fend for herself, swing from the drapes, hunt for her own food...

Lisa:Dad, that's insane!

Homer:Insane like a fox, Lisa. A fox that lives in our house and eats our food.

Lisa:Well, I've worn this same outfit every day for years. At least I'm consistent.

Bart:Hey man, check out my lunch. It's a sandwich.

Martin:That's not a sandwich, Simpson. That's a single slice of bread with ketchup.

Bart:Ketchup sandwich, man. Gourmet.

Homer:Yeah, things at home are pretty normal. Marge is always on my case about something, the kids are driving me crazy, and we've got this alligator living in the toilet. You know, the usual.

Crowd Member 1:A Jimmy Carter statue? But he was only president for one term!

Crowd Member 2:This is an outrage! We demanded Lincoln!

Crowd Member 3:Carter was weak! A failure! A disgrace to this town!

Crowd:Booooo! Down with Carter! Tear it down!

Homer:Yeah! He was too nice! And humble! The worst kind of president!

Crowd:To the pitchforks! To the torches!

Guard:We trained them by beating them, denying them food, and making them listen to Celine Dion records played off-key.

Phillips:He's sweet, he's funny, he's got this cute little belly...

Marge:Homer?

Phillips:No, his name is Brad.

Bart:Quick, she'll be home any minute!

Lisa:We'll never get this place clean in time.

Bart:Don't worry, I got this.

Bart:Just sweep it all under the rug.

Lisa:Bart, that's not actually cleaning.

Bart:Out of sight, out of mind.

Maggie:*sucks pacifier*

Bart:Keep sweeping!

Lisa:Um, Bart? The house is starting to bulge.

Bart:Just a little more...

Narrator:And that's when the floor gave way.

Helen Lovejoy:I'm sorry for spreading those rumors about you, Marge. I realize now that gossip is like a superpower, and I've been using mine for evil instead of good.

Marge:Well, I appreciate the apology, Helen.