Whacking Day

Homer:D'oh!

Seymour Skinner:Now children, Superintendent Chalmers is coming to inspect our school, so I want everything spotless. This facility will not be a pigsty on my watch!

Seymour Skinner:Well, perhaps it's a small pigsty, but it's OUR pigsty.

Skinner:Now students, I want this gymnasium spotless. And I mean spotless. I want you to get down on your hands and knees and lick every square inch of this floor.

Unnamed Student:Even the parts where Ralph threw up?

Skinner:Especially those parts.

Unnamed Student:Okay, Principal Skinner.

Skinner:Excellent! I've finally outsmarted those troublemakers! Mwahahahahaha!

Skinner:Excellent, excellent... *evil laugh* ...now to implement my diabolical plan—

Skinner:*pause* Oh no. The intercom.

Bart:Did you hear that? That's the laugh of pure evil.

Nelson:Nah, that's just Skinner.

Student:Wait, where's the rest of the class?

Skinner:Oh, we had some discipline issues. I swept them under the rug.

Student:You literally swept them under the rug?

Skinner:Well, yes. It seemed more efficient than the usual paperwork.

Skinner:Perhaps we should just leave them down there.

Willie:Och, ye cannae do that, man! The P.T.A. will have yer head!

Skinner:Willie, your language is absolutely unacceptable. I want to hear you apologize using proper, civilized words.

Willie:Aye, ye're right, Principal Skinner. I apologize for bein' such a... a great big fence post! A complete and utter... sack of haggis! Ye're nothin' but a... a two-timin' spatula with delusions of grandeur!

Skinner:Well... I suppose that's... better?

Chalmers:We need to address these poor test scores. I have a solution: we're eliminating math from the curriculum entirely.

Skinner:But Superintendent, how will students learn?

Chalmers:They won't need to. Problem solved.

Skinner:Well, you know, Superintendent, we've always believed in the three R's: Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic.

Chalmers:That's admirable, Principal Skinner. However, I'm afraid budget cuts mean we'll have to eliminate one of them.

Skinner:Which one?

Chalmers:All of them. And there are more cuts coming in October.

Skinner:And here we have our new banners celebrating academic excellence!

Chalmers:These are the saddest banners I've ever seen.

Skinner:Well, the children made them.

Chalmers:Yes, and I'm sure it's everyone else's fault but yours.

Skinner:Exactly! Thank you for understanding, Superintendent.

Chalmers:A school where students actually learn, teachers are paid fairly, and there are no budget crises... *voice trembling* It's too much. Too perfect. It can't exist.

Lunch Lady Doris:It's not made of stone.

Chalmers:Well, that's good enough for me!

Chalmers:I was just making a little wordplay there. Did you catch that? It was rather clever, I thought.

Chalmers:You see, I said 'principal' but the way I inflected it suggested 'principle' — two entirely different meanings, yet phonetically similar. Quite droll, really.

Willie:Oh, me beloved tractor, ye are the love of me life. Without ye, I am but a shell of a man.

Barney:I know what ya mean, Willie. I got that same feelin' about me bottle of whiskey.

Woman:This is such a beautiful spot. Do you come here often?

Willie:Aye, I come here to dump my garden waste. Found a dead rat here once—a real beauty, ten pounder!

Chalmers:I'd like to test a random student.

Skinner:Of course. Bart, come up here.

Chalmers:I said random.

Skinner:I am choosing randomly.

Chalmers:Who won the Battle of Hastings?

Lisa:William the Conqueror in 1066.

Lisa:Interestingly, despite being called 'the Conqueror,' William actually had a legitimate claim to the English throne through his great-aunt Emma of Normandy, making the Norman Conquest less of an invasion and more of a dynastic succession dispute.

Ralph:Why do we need a king, if we have a president?

Skinner:Well, uh, that's a good question, Ralph. You see, the king and the president are... they're different things.

Ralph:My dad says the king is a bad man.

Skinner:No, no, Ralph. The king is not a bad man. He's just, uh... well, he's a different kind of leader.

Ralph:Is the president also a bad man?

Skinner:No! I mean... that's not really the point here.

Chalmers:Skinner, what in blazes was that noise?

Skinner:Uh, that would be the... uh... the new automated lunch system. Yes. Very efficient. Saves money.

Chalmers:It sounded like an explosion.

Skinner:Well, yes, small explosions are part of the... startup sequence. Perfectly normal. Happens all the time.

Chalmers:You say you have a cold, Principal Skinner, yet you were just shouting quite vigorously in the hallway.

Skinner:Well, I... the cold affects different people in different ways.

Chalmers:I see. And the energetic calisthenics I observed you performing this morning?

Skinner:Exercise helps fight infection, Superintendent.

Nelson:Come on, Simpson. Ride me like a horse.

Bart:Bawk bawk bawk bawk!

Nelson:Why you little...

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Chalmers:Well, I must say, Principal Skinner, setting 'no urine' as the standard for educational excellence is a bit of a low bar, isn't it?

Skinner:Superintendent Chalmers, I assure you we've made tremendous progress. Why, just last week we went three whole days without an incident.

Skinner:Well, Seymour, I always say you have to put all your eggs in one basket and watch that basket like a hawk!

Chalmers:That's... not how that saying goes.

Chalmers:Money! I must pick it up!

Bart:Now!

Nelson:Get him!

Chalmers:Ow! Ow! Why are you children attacking me?

Chalmers:Principal Skinner, I'm pleased to inform you that the superintendent position has opened up. You're my top candidate.

Skinner:Well, thank you, Superintendent. I'm honored.

Chalmers:However, the board has decided to give the job to Barney Gumble.

Skinner:Barney? But he's a hopeless drunk!

Chalmers:Yes, well, the board feels his unique perspective will bring fresh ideas to the district.

Chalmers:You're the school nurse? But you're also the lunch lady!

Lunch Lady Doris:That's right. One job wasn't paying enough, so I figured I'd double up. Who's gonna know?

Chalmers:This is fraud!

Lunch Lady Doris:Call it what you want. I call it making ends meet.

Skinner:That's it, Simpson! You're expelled!

Bart:Expelled?! For what?!

Skinner:For existing in my school!

Bart:Ay caramba! I'm expelled! This is the greatest day of my life!

Bart:Wait a minute... my mom's gonna kill me.

TV Announcer:Coming up next: A controversial new camp for animals who want to get back to nature. But these creatures are already naked! We'll tell you why some say this nudist colony for beasts is just plain ridiculous.

TV Announcer:A holiday so bad, even hillbillies hate it.

Nixon:I am not a crook!

Crowd:Boo!

Nixon:Well, I'm outta here.

Lisa:Dad, Bart got expelled from school today.

Homer:Mmm... beer.

Bart:Dad, did you hear what Lisa said?

Homer:Wha—? Expelled? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Lisa:We just did.

Homer:Oh. Well, I wasn't listening. Now where's my beer?

Bart:I could be a bootblack!

Homer:A bootblack? That's a racial slur!

Bart:No, Dad, it's a guy who shines boots.

Homer:Oh. Well, that's still not okay. Back in my day, we had standards. A bootblack wears a little hat, does a little dance... it's demeaning to the entire bootblack community.

Religious School Teacher:Can anyone recite a psalm?

Bart:Psalm? I know one! Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah!

Religious School Teacher:Well, beans are mentioned in the Bible! Remember when Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of... well, it was probably beans. Yes, beans!

Religious School Teacher:We've tried everything - holy water, exorcism, even playing Christian rock backwards.

Religious School Teacher:The only solution is to expel him immediately and perform a blessing on the entire classroom.

Bart:Wow, this stuff is great! It's like licking a battery, but in a good way.

Bart:Although, uh, I think I'm starting to levitate a little bit here.

Bart:My skin is turning purple, but that's cool. I'm down with it.

Bart:Oh, and apparently I can see through walls now. Pretty sweet side effect if you ask me.

Homer:Well, I guess I can write off Bart's education. At least I still have the other one.

Maggie:*sucks pacifier aggressively*

Homer:You know, there's a good side to human nature and a bad side.

Homer:I'm gonna be bad! D'oh!

Marge:Well, I've set up a little classroom right here in the living room. I got a desk, a chalkboard, and even a globe!

Marge:I'm so proud of myself. Look at all this school equipment. We're really doing this!

Marge:Look how beautifully this school bell rings!

Bart:Mom, that's deafening!

Marge:Nonsense, it's melodious.

Bart:My ears are bleeding!

Grandpa Simpson:So there I was, surrounded by enemy troops, no way out. I knew I had to think fast. So I put on a dress, high heels, the whole nine yards. Started doing a little song and dance number.

Grandpa Simpson:Well, those fellas laughed so hard, they forgot all about shooting me! Turns out a well-timed musical number is the best defense against enemy fire.

Grandpa Simpson:Velcome, velcome to my cabaret! I vill now sing for you ze traditional German love songs!

Grandpa Simpson:♪ Ohhh, Maggie vith ze yellow hair, I vish to touch your... Medicare forms! ♪

Grandpa Simpson:♪ And Marge, your blue beehive, it reminds me of ze time I forgot vhere I parked my car! ♪

Bart:Grandpa, is any of this stuff true?

Grandpa:Well, the cross-dressing part was real.

Bart:Why'd you do that?

Grandpa:I don't wanna talk about it.

Homer:Behold! My snake-whacking stick!

Homer:Watch as I demonstrate its deadly power!

Marge:Homer, be careful—

Homer:Hyah!

Marge:Ow! Homer, you hit me!

Homer:That was just a practice swing. Now for the real demonstration!

Marge:Homer, stop! You're going to hurt someone!

Homer:Marge, please. I know what I'm doing. Hyah! Hyah!

Marge:Bart, I'd like you to read this classic novel. It's considered one of the greatest works of literature.

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Does it have any cool murders or gross stuff?

Marge:Well, yes, but that's not really the point. The author explores themes of morality and—

Bart:Ay caramba! I'm gonna call it 'The Decapitation Station.'

Homer:Lisa, when you get sad, you run outside and play in the snow, cry your eyes out, then drink hot chocolate till you throw up.

Lisa:That doesn't sound very healthy.

Homer:Yeah, well, it worked for me. Why, I remember one time I was really upset, so I just took a tire iron and...

Marge:Homer!

Homer:...and smashed up Barney's car! Those were the days.

Barney:I went to an audition for a commercial. The casting director said, 'We need someone stupid.' I said, 'I can do that!' But then they said I wasn't stupid enough.

Casting Director:You're too smart to play an idiot.

Barney:But I AM an idiot!

Casting Director:An idiot wouldn't know he's an idiot.

Barney:Playing? I'm not playing anything. I'm a government official.

Barney:See? *hiccup* ...official.

Historical Guide:This fort was named after a great military hero who died defending it from the British.

Tourist:What an honor. What was his name?

Historical Guide:Fort Prudence.

Bart:Prudence? That's not a hero's name!

Historical Guide:Well, the actual hero died, so we named it after the guy who retreated.

Bart:Wait a minute. If the founder was in two places at the same time, that's impossible. He's totally making this up!

Bart:Wait, if Lincoln was president in 1865, how could he have fought in the Civil War that started in 1861?

Historical Guide:Well, young man, that's a very astute observation. Perhaps we should move along to the next exhibit.

Security:Yeah, let's go, kid. Now.

Bart:But I'm just asking a simple question about—

Security:We heard what you asked. Come on.

Apu:I have hidden a rare cobra somewhere in the Kwik-E-Mart! Find it and win a year's supply of free Squishees!

Crowd:FIND THE SNAKE! FIND THE SNAKE!

Apu:Wait, wait! I have made a terrible mistake!

Crowd:THE SNAKE! THE SNAKE!

Apu:No, no, no! Everybody please remain calm! The snake is very docile and—

Crowd:AHHHHHHH!

Reverend Lovejoy:Here it is, in the Bible: Whacking Day, April 10th. 'And the Lord said, "Thou shalt smite the snakes."'

Lisa:Reverend Lovejoy, that's not in the Bible.

Reverend Lovejoy:It's not? Well, I'm sure it will be once we all agree on it.

Guest:So when do you kill the snakes for the holiday?

Vendor:Oh, we kill them all in advance for convenience.

Homer:So, uh, Marge, how exactly do you do that thing with your... you know?

Marge:Oh Homer, I'd be happy to show you!

Homer:Really? But I thought you always said that was... inappropriate.

Marge:Well, usually it is, but for you, I'll make an exception!

Homer:I'm not joining the mob for crime—I'm joining to be a mentor figure, a guiding light for these young criminals.

Homer:Now, do you have any pinky rings in a size 10? And I'm gonna need a tommy gun, a fedora, and whatever that thing is that wise guys snap when they're being intimidating.

Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Barry White!

Barry White:Actually, my name is not Barry White.

Announcer:I'm sorry sir, but according to the paperwork here, you are definitely Barry White.

Barry White:No, I assure you, I know my own name.

Announcer:Well the paperwork says otherwise, and the paperwork doesn't lie.

Barry White:Thank you, Springfield. It's a privilege to be here for this great American tradition, Whacking Day.

Barry White:Now, what exactly is Whacking Day?

Ned Flanders:Well, it's when we all get together and whack snakes!

Barry White:Whack... snakes?

Crowd:Yeah! With bats and clubs!

Barry White:Oh my God.

Barry White:This is an outrage! A travesty! A blight upon our fair city!

Crowd:Yaaaay! Woohoo!

Lisa:They think he's supporting it.

Lisa:The bass vibrations will attract snakes.

Lisa:They'll come slithering in like Oprah at a all-you-can-eat buffet.

Lisa:Whacking Day isn't about snakes at all! It's actually a cover for anti-Irish violence!

Mayor Quimby:Well, I... that is to say... we prefer to think of it as a cherished Springfield tradition.

Lisa:A tradition based on beating Irish people with sticks!

Chief Wiggum:Now, now, Lisa. That was a long time ago. We've evolved since then.

Lisa:Have we? Because the holiday is literally next week!

Lisa:Mr. Willie, I have some terrible news. Whacking Day was actually created as an excuse to beat up Irish people.

Willie:Oh, well, that explains a lot!

Old Man:I hate everything! I hate kids, I hate dogs, I hate nature, I hate—

Old Man:Wait, is that Matlock?

Old Man:I love Matlock.

Barry White:Snakes... they're smooth, they're sleek, they move with a certain... confidence. Like a whisper in the dark, baby. Those scales, mmm, they shimmer like silk under moonlight. And that tongue... flickering in and out... tasting the air with such sensuality.

Mayor Quimby:Behold! I have slain these serpents with my bare hands!

Crowd:Huzzah! Bravo, Mayor Quimby!

Mayor Quimby:You know, you people are fickle.

Crowd:Boo! Boooo!

Mayor Quimby:You people are fickle!

Crowd:Booo!

Mayor Quimby:See what I mean?

Crowd:Yaaaaay!

Skinner:Bart, I'm prepared to readmit you to Springfield Elementary.

Bart:Really? That's great, Mr. Skinner!

Skinner:Yes, well, we've all learned valuable lessons here. The bullies, however, are still trapped in the basement.

Skinner:Oh God, the bullies are still down there!

Nelson:Maybe I bully kids because I need attention and don't know how to get it any other way.

Skinner:Well, I use violence to get attention too.

Nelson:Really?

Skinner:No, I use it to maintain order. But I see your point.

Skinner:If those children are dead, I have an escape plan. First, I'll destroy all evidence of this school's existence. Then I'll assume a new identity in Buenos Aires. I've had papers ready for years.

Willie:Och, that's a bonnie plan, Skinner!

Skinner:Thank you, Willie. I've thought this through very carefully.

Willie:Aye, I'll help ye escape, Principal Skinner.

Willie:But first, I'm callin' the police.