Homer And Apu

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Homer Simpson:*screams*

Customer:I'd like a 29-cent stamp, please.

Apu:That'll be $1.83.

Apu:Fill 'er up?

Customer:Yeah.

Apu:That'll be $243.

Customer:What?! For a fill-up?!

Apu:You want the premium. Premium costs.

Martin:Excuse me, Apu. I'd like to purchase some penny candy. A single penny should suffice for the transaction, correct?

Apu:I'm afraid not, Martin. Even at a penny, it's overpriced.

Apu:A Twinkie has never expired or been thrown! It would be a waste!

Customer:A Twinkie has been here since 1987!

Apu:Yes, it is a Twinkie of great power. It can never be harmed.

Apu:Sweet lion of Damascus!

Apu:This ham is too spoiled to sell.

Homer:Did you say cheap meat?

Homer:Mmm... expired meat.

Homer:Blarghhh!

Homer:Mmm... still good.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, it appears to be a severe case of food poisoning. However, I'm also seriously considering voodoo as an equally likely cause.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, I've been doing a little voodoo on the side.

Homer:Voodoo? On who?

Dr. Hibbert:Well, mainly on you, Homer. But don't worry, it's just been some light eye-focused stuff.

Homer:This compensation shrimp is bad too!

Apu:Would you like some more bad shrimp?

Homer:Wow, a dog that barks! And he's selling me something! Now that's what I call advertising!

Homer:That dog really understands me.

Kent Brockman:We'd like to make a correction to an earlier report. The population of Springfield is not 8 million people, it's 30,000. It's not a rest home for the elderly, it's a city with children. And those aren't sauerkraut, they're blood clots.

Kent Brockman:And now, a story about three geezer muggers on the loose.

Lisa:Dad, I need to talk to you about something important.

Homer:Not now, Lisa. Shh! This is the good part.

Lisa:But Dad, it's really urgent.

Homer:Lisa, please. Do you know how long I've been waiting to see if this dog is going to catch the frisbee?

Homer:Fine, I'll wear a camera and microphone.

Kent Brockman:That's essentially the same thing as wearing a wire.

Homer:No it's not!

Kent Brockman:This amazing technology allows us to capture crystal-clear footage from virtually anywhere... though it does require wearing this comically large, obvious hat.

Kent Brockman:We're told you have about five minutes before the heavy hat clips off your circulation.

Camera operator:Oh, okay.

Apu:Homer, I'm as busy as a bee in a buzzing hat!

Homer:A bee?! In a hat?! Where?! Get it off! Get it off me!

Kent Brockman:Well, it's been a long road. Twenty-three years on the job, and I've seen things that would make a grown man cry. But today, I'm turning in my badge.

Kent Brockman:I'm too old for this stuff.

Apu:Oh my. This hot dog roller is filthy. But wait... if I clean it, I lose three minutes of sales. Eh, the health inspector is not due for another month.

Apu:I will simply sell the contaminated hot dogs at a slight discount.

Apu:I must confess something to you. I have been... how do you say... cutting corners at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Apu:But do not worry, I am telling this only to you, my destroyed surveillance equipment. You cannot report me now!

Homer:Apu, you've been selling spoiled meat to our town!

Apu:No, no, no! The meat is fresh! I would never... Well, maybe once or twice, but only on Tuesdays!

Apu:Wait... oh no. The cameras are still rolling, aren't they?

Apu:I am feeling very confident about my television appearance. I think I really connected with the audience.

Crowd:Monster! Monster!

Mr. Burns:We need a scapegoat. Someone to be our sacrificial lamb.

Apu:I can get you a lamb. I have a guy. Also goats, no problem.

Mr. Burns:You're fired! And as punishment, you're banned from all fried foods... except fried pickles. You may eat fried pickles on Tuesdays.

Apu:Here is my pricing gun.

Corporate boss:Thank you for turning that in.

Apu:Of course. I have nothing to hide.

Apu:Well, except for these seventeen pricing guns I have hidden around the store.

Apu:I have lost everything. My job, my purpose, my will to live.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, that's rough buddy. Say, you gonna eat that hot dog?

Apu:Homer! I am contemplating ending it all and you want my food?

Homer:Well, no point letting it go to waste.

Apu:The brook actually does sound like mocking laughter

Hobo:You know, I've been thinking about the economy. If feathers replaced money, we'd all be rich! Well, except for the chickens. They'd be broke.

Homer:Huh huh, that's true! We are pretty lazy!

Homer:Please don't hurt me! I confess! I'm the one who keeps bumping into the surveillance camera at the Kwik-E-Mart!

Apu:Homer, I'm just trying to get home in this storm.

Homer:Oh. Well, that's a relief. I thought you were going to kill me over all those times I've been caught on tape buying Squishees at 3 AM.

Apu:In my country, we have an apology so elaborate, we have a whole department of people whose job it is to apologize.

Homer:Wow, what do they apologize for?

Apu:Misunderstandings... it's killed dozens of us.

Apu:You see, Lisa, karma is a beautiful concept. What goes around comes around.

Lisa:But Apu, if karma is real, how do you explain all the bad people who prosper and good people who suffer?

Apu:Well, you see, it's not always immediate. Karma works in mysterious ways across lifetimes and—

Lisa:So it's unfalsifiable. You can't prove it wrong because you can always claim it's working in ways we can't see. That's not philosophy, that's just faith.

Apu:I... well... yes. Yes, I suppose you're right.

Homer:Fine, Apu can help as penance. But first, I want an ice cream sandwich.

Lisa:Wow, Apu, this is incredibly spicy!

Apu:Yes, it is authentic Indian cuisine. Very hot!

Lisa:I can see sounds and hear colors. I think I'm levitating. Do I have the power to move objects with my mind?

Apu:No, that is just the capsaicin.

Homer:I'm a man of the world. I try new things all the time.

Apu:Oh yeah? Like what?

Homer:Well, today I tried something very exotic.

Apu:What is it?

Homer:A napkin.

Interviewer:So tell me, what motivates you to work here?

Job applicant:I need money to buy things.

James Woods:I've done Videodrome, The Boost, Salvador...

Manager:Wait, you're James Woods!

James Woods:Yes.

Manager:The actor?

James Woods:Yes.

Manager:You're hired!

James Woods:For my roles, I do extensive research. I actually went back in time to study the 1920s for my gangster picture.

James Woods:I mean... I read a lot of books about the 1920s.

Homer:Apu! What are you doing in my attic?

Apu:Oh, hello Homer. I was just storing some of my candy inventory up here. You know how it is - the Kwik-E-Mart gets so crowded, I need overflow storage.

Homer:In MY attic?!

Apu:Yes, well, your attic maintains the perfect temperature and humidity for preserving the structural integrity of my Squishees. Plus, the rent is reasonable - one free Slurpee per month.

Marge:Apu, you can't just stack cans like that. They'll fall over.

Apu:But Mrs. Simpson, at the Kwik-E-Mart we use the pyramid method. It maximizes shelf space and creates an attractive display.

Marge:This isn't a store, Apu. It's a pantry.

Apu:Yes, and if I arrange them properly, I can fit 40% more inventory and charge myself a markup.

Apu:Ah, yes, the Kwik-E-Mart. Where I spend my days in quiet desperation, watching the world pass by through bullet-proof glass, like a man observing life from inside a fishbowl of broken dreams and expired milk.

Apu:Yes, the Kwik-E-Mart operates with supreme efficiency. Every item is precisely catalogued, every transaction optimized.

Apu:But what is profit without purpose? What is commerce without compassion? I have forgotten why I opened this store.

Apu:I came to America with nothing but a dream and a suitcase. Now I have much, but I have lost the human element.

PA Announcer:Attention shoppers, we love you.

Apu:Oh no! I have killed the clerk! And I am so very sorry! But I have killed many people before, so this is okay.

Store Employee:This cranberry sauce is so delicious, I'm literally drowning in it! Five stars!

Apu:Ah yes, the express lane. You see, we strategically place the candy and magazines at eye level to trigger impulse purchases. The checkout counter is deliberately slow to create anxiety, which makes customers more likely to buy items they don't need. And these dividers? They're not for organization—they're psychological barriers that make customers feel trapped, increasing their stress and spending.

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, I walked uphill both ways to school. Speaking of which, this morning I made toast. Now, the toaster was a General Electric model from 1987, chrome finish with a slight dent on the left side from when I dropped it in '94. I had to adjust the dial—it was set to 3, but I needed it at 2.5 for the perfect golden brown. The bread was Wonder Bread, slightly stale, which actually works better because it doesn't burn as easily. I inserted the first slice at 8:47 AM, and it took exactly 2 minutes and 14 seconds to pop up. The butter I used was salted, not unsalted, because unsalted is for people who hate flavor and America.

Apu:You see, the longest line moves the fastest. All these lonely men, they have nowhere to be. They shop slowly, carefully reading each label. But me? I have a family waiting at home. I am efficient. In and out, seven minutes.

Apu:These men, they linger. They compare prices. They ask questions. But a man with a family, he knows what he needs. Milk, eggs, bread. Done. While they are still reading the fine print on a can of beans, I am already home.

James Woods:So, how am I doing as a convenience store clerk?

Customer:Honestly? You're terrible. You're slow, rude, and you keep trying to pitch your movies to customers.

James Woods:Well, I won a Golden Globe!

Customer:For what? 'Worst Employee of the Year'?

Customer:You know, James, the key to method acting is really getting into character. You have to become that person.

James Woods:Become them? What do you mean? I'm already me.

Customer:No, no, you have to inhabit their mind, their soul, their very being.

James Woods:But... if I become them, then who am I? Where do I go?

Homer:Lisa, your shehnai playing is almost as bad as the time Grampa tried to play the accordion.

Homer:Mmm... wait, this is good for me? But it tastes like... salad.

Marge:Homer, the doctor said you need to eat healthier.

Homer:But Marge, my heart needs donuts, not... vegetables.

Homer:Wait, I'm actually feeling... better? What's happening to my body?

Homer:It feels like my heart is... rebooting. Beep boop beep!

Apu:You know, I feel like I'm truly domiciled here with you Simpson family. It's like the load-bearing wall of my emotional infrastructure has finally found its proper foundation.

Homer:Uh, Apu, you just live next door.

Apu:Yes, but the perpendicular proximity of our dwellings has created a paradigm of spatial-affective symbiosis!

Apu:I'm so sorry I gave you food poisoning, Homer.

Homer:Oh, that's okay, Apu.

Homer:Whew! That was a good episode. Nothing left to resolve.

Homer:Wait a minute! You're still sad?! But you just sang and danced!

Homer:In musical theater, when you sing and dance, your problems go away!

Homer:I've been lied to!

Homer:Why does everyone always expect me to lie through song? It happens all the time!

Homer:Musical deception?! That happens all the time! Why, just last week I thought I was listening to The Beatles, but it turned out to be The Monkees!

Homer:Look, Apu, I'd love to help you get your job back, but helping is above my minimum effort.

Lisa:The metric system is based on powers of 10, Dad. It's much more logical than our customary system.

Homer:Logical? Lisa, the only 'system' I understand is the one where you give me donuts and I give you nothing!

Homer:So Apu, how long will it take to get to India?

Apu:Oh, about 24 hours if we fly non-stop.

Homer:24 hours? That's forever!

Apu:Well, we're here.

Homer:What? Already?

James Woods:I just got offered the role of a lifetime! They want me to play a sensitive, introspective farmer who tends to his crops and contemplates the meaning of life.

Homer Simpson:That doesn't sound like you at all.

James Woods:I know! But I'm going to take it. I'm going to completely transform myself. New wardrobe, new accent, new everything!

Homer Simpson:Wow, that's really impressive. So when does this new role start?

James Woods:Well, it already has. I'm now a turnip farmer from Manitoba.

James Woods:What do you mean my check bounced?! That's bull—BLEEP! I mean, the oven! The oven is making that noise!

Homer:Why is God making me sit through this?

Flanders:It's beautiful, Homer. A celebration of faith.

Homer:Yeah, well, your God can take a hike. My God is in a bottle.

Homer:Wait a minute... if this is the world's first convenience store, how come it's so inconvenient? I had to walk all the way here, there's no parking, and they don't have a hot dog roller.

Apu:But sir, it is convenient compared to having no store at all.

Homer:Convenient? I've been more convenient at the DMV!

Kwik-E-Mart President:You have three questions.

Homer:Okay. Will I ever be rich?

Kwik-E-Mart President:No.

Homer:Will I ever be wealthy?

Kwik-E-Mart President:No.

Homer:Will I ever have a lot of money?

Kwik-E-Mart President:No.

Homer:Wait, so you're saying the Kwik-E-Mart is open 24 hours?

Apu:Yes, Homer, we have been through this. Every day, you come in and ask me the same question.

Homer:But when do you close?

Apu:We do not close! Ever! I haven't slept in 12 years!

Homer:Don't worry, Apu. I'll cheer you up with a song! Apu, Apu, Apu, Apu, Apu, Apu...

Apu:Please, Homer, not now. I'm not in the mood.

Homer:Come on, it's your theme song!

Apu:I don't care. Just leave me alone.

Homer:Apu, listen to me. Life is full of disappointments. You just gotta accept that and move on.

Apu:Thank you, Homer. That is very wise.

Homer:Yeah, well, that's what I always say. Like when Flanders got that new boat and I didn't. Sure, it hurt. But I accepted it.

Homer:Then he had the nerve to use it every single weekend, showing it off, waving at me. WHO DOES THAT? Who waves at someone from their boat?

Homer:That smug, stupid face... I'm gonna key that boat.

Homer:You know, son, life is about the journey, not the destination. It's about appreciating the moment and finding peace within yourself.

Homer:Of course, none of that applies to Flanders. That guy can rot in hell.

Apu:I have been working 96 hours straight.

Apu:I hallucinated I was a hummingbird.

Apu:I was trying to feed from Squishy's head, but he kept swatting me away.

Apu:I thought I was a hummingbird, so I tried to fly out the Kwik-E-Mart window.

Sanjay:And I had to tackle you before you hurt yourself.

Apu:Yes, thank you for that, Sanjay. For a moment, I was living the dream.

Robber:Don't try anything funny.

James Woods:Oh, you want me to do my act? Alright, alright. So I'm walking down the street the other day, and I see this guy with a parrot on his shoulder. I say to him, 'Hey buddy, where'd you get the monkey?' He says, 'This isn't a monkey, it's a parrot!' I say, 'I know, I was talking to the parrot!'

Robber:This is a robbery! Give me all your money or I'll shoot!

James Woods:Wait, wait. You can't just 'shoot' in this context. You need to say you're going to 'sample' my wallet without permission. That's how the music industry works.

Apu:As I fell to the ground, time seemed to slow. The bullet had pierced my flesh like a dove through a cloud of spun sugar... Wait, no. I was shot.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, it appears the previous bullet already lodged in his chest deflected the new one.

James Woods:My next project is a biopic about a convenience store clerk who struggles with the daily grind of retail work.

Apu:That's... that's my life.

James Woods:Yes, well, it's a movie.