Bart Gets Famous

Homer:Let's see what the stars have in store for me today...

Homer:You will eat food and then become hungry again.

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Bart, please stop whistling.

Bart:Yes, Mommandant!

Homer:You have it easy while everyone else works.

Marge:

Bart:Lisa, dude, I'm totally cutting school today. I'm gonna go to the arcade, catch some rays, maybe catch a matinee...

Lisa:Bart, I'm going to school.

Bart:What? But Lisa, we could be free! We could escape this soul-crushing hellhole!

Lisa:I have perfect attendance and I'm not about to break it.

Bart:Aw, man. So you're really staying?

Bart:Well, I guess I'm stuck here too then. Great. Back to the soul-crushing hellhole.

Lisa:School is for losers.

Lisa:I'll win the Nobel Prize in Literature, become Secretary of State, and broker peace in the Middle East.

Lisa:Then I'll reunite the cast of The Facts of Life, and get Tootie back together with everyone.

Lisa:And then I'd die in a freak accident while accepting my Nobel Peace Prize, which is pretty ironic when you think about it.

Bart:Lisa, you're such a dork.

Skinner:Class, I'm pleased to announce this year's field trip destination.

Edna:Let me guess—the box factory?

Skinner:How did you know?

Edna:Because it's always the box factory, Seymour. Always.

Skinner:Children, I have an announcement. Due to unexpected circumstances, we will not be going to the Springfield Museum of Natural History today.

Student:Awww!

Skinner:Instead, we will be going to... the Springfield Museum of Natural History.

Bart:Man, I can't think of anything. My imagination is like, totally dead.

Bart:It's all because of TV. TV has ruined my...

Bart:Uh... what was I saying?

Bart:Do these boxes have candy in them?

Tour Guide:No, they're boxes of nails.

Student:Can we see the one interesting thing - a completed product?

Tour Guide:Even that mundane satisfaction is denied - they don't even make complete boxes.

Bart:So what kind of workplace injuries happen here?

Tour Guide:Well, we have the occasional paper cut, maybe someone slips on the stairs...

Bart:What about something more serious?

Tour Guide:Oh, well there was that incident where someone got their tie caught in the copy machine...

Bart:Yeah, but like, what if someone's head got stuck in there?

Tour Guide:Uh... I suppose that could happen.

Bart:And then the machine just kept copying, over and over, pressing harder and harder until—

Tour Guide:OK, I think we should move on to the next department.

Tour Guide:And here we have our most special room, completely unique and unlike anything else in the facility...

Tour Guide:Of course, we had to remove whatever made it special and different, so now it's identical to everything else.

Student:Look! A TV studio!

Tour Guide:Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. That's not part of the tour. Now, if you'll direct your attention back here to these boxes...

Tour Guide:And here's my office! As you can see, it's quite spacious.

Tour Guide:Now if you'll follow me, this way please!

Tour Guide:Right out the exit. Thank you for visiting!

Bart:I can't take this boring tour anymore!

Bart:Wait... I found my escape route to the TV studio!

Skinner:Bart, I'm giving you to the count of three.

Skinner:One... two... three. Well, I've exhausted all my options.

Homer:Hello?

Homer:I can't hear you, I'm wearing a towel!

Krusty:I'm so sick of tired, old comedy gags. We need something fresh, something new!

Director:What about a giant mousetrap?

Krusty:A giant mousetrap? That's genius! Pure genius!

Homer:No! Bart! Oh God, he's been turned into a box!

Homer:My boy... my precious boy... reduced to corrugated cardboard.

Homer:Why? Why would you take him from me like this?

Kent Brockman:We go now live to our correspondent in... in... Kwal-a... Kwalu... Kwa... France.

Bart:Yoink? What the—

Bart:Remember when I saved your career? When I got you that spot on the Late Show? When I helped you with your comeback?

Krusty:What have you done for me lately?

Bart:Hey Krusty, could you do me a tiny favor? Can you get me a Danish?

Krusty:A Danish? Kid, you're asking me to risk my entire career! Do you know what I've done for you?

Bart:Wow, a special clown accessory? For me?

Krusty:Yeah, kid. Here ya go.

Bart:What is it?

Krusty:A dirty towel. Now get scrubbin'.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you serious news of a deadly tragedy.

Bumblebee Man:¡Ay caramba! *makes exaggerated cartoon sound effects and ridiculous physical comedy*

Lisa:I've been doing volunteer work at the animal shelter.

Bart:Oh yeah? Let me guess — you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like you're making a real difference, right? But really you're just doing it so you can feel superior to everyone else and tell people about it at school so they think you're some kind of saint.

Homer:Yeah, I remember my first gig with the band. We were so nervous, but then I thought, 'Come together, right now, over me.' Those were the days!

Lenny:Homer, that's the Beatles.

Homer:I know! I was there!

Giuseppe:Your music is too loud!

Homer:What? I can't hear you over my music!

Giuseppe:Turn it down or I'll throw you out!

Homer:You and what army?

Giuseppe:That's it! Bring me my shotgun. I'm gonna kill this guy!

Bart:Dad, how do I get a job?

Homer:Well son, first of all it's called 'work', not a 'job'.

Krusty:Listen kid, in show business, there's a magic to it all. The lights, the audience, the applause - that's what it's all about!

Krusty:Now get in the back and unclog the toilet.

Krusty:Here's the toilet you gotta clean, kid.

Bart:[looks inside and recoils in horror]

Krusty:What? What is it? [peers in] Oh my God! Even I'm grossed out!

Bart:Check it out, man. My name's right there in the credits.

Classmate 1:Barclay Simpson?

Classmate 2:I'm reading Bart Sampson.

Classmate 3:That says Bert Simpleton.

Bart:Aw, man!

Homer:Follow your dreams, boy. Work hard, stay focused, and you can be anything you want.

Bart:Really, Dad?

Homer:Sure! Look at me. I set my sights high and... and... well, I'm... I work at a nuclear power plant.

Bart:That's not really inspiring.

Homer:Shut up, boy.

Krusty:Hey kid, it's Krusty. Listen, I need you to help me frame someone for murder.

Bart:Uh, Mr. Krusty, I'm in class right now.

Krusty:So? It was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick. You gotta plant evidence in the conservatory.

Bart:This is insane!

Krusty:What's insane is you not helping me! Miss Scarlet's got an alibi, so we're gonna pin it on Mr. Green. Now get movin'!

Krusty:Hey, there's cheese in this sandwich! I didn't order cheese!

Assistant:Sorry boss, I thought you'd like it.

Krusty:Well you thought wrong! Now I'm gonna have to yell at you AND deal with the heartburn later!

Krusty:Hey kid, you wanna be on TV? I got an opening for a new sidekick.

Bart:Really? That'd be great!

Krusty:Yeah, ever since Mel died. Or maybe he didn't die. I dunno, I don't really keep track of these things.

Krusty:All you gotta do is stand there and get hit in the face with pies. It's simple!

Bart:That's it? No jokes or anything?

Krusty:Jokes? Kid, this is television! We don't need jokes, we just need pies!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Robber:Give me your money or I'll shoot!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Fire Victim:Help! We're trapped in a burning building!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Marge:Bart's biography was published very quickly.

Homer:It's completely unrelated content with only Bart's picture on the cover.

Homer:Wait a minute. Oliver North? Isn't he that guy on TV?

Marge:Yes, dear. He was involved in that Iran-Contra scandal.

Homer:Iran-Contra? Sounds like a coffee drink. But look at that uniform! Those dress whites! That's a man who knows how to wear a uniform.

Grandpa Simpson:Ten dollars just to watch my grandson perform? What's next, they'll charge me to breathe? This is what happens when you let the Democrats run show business!

Barney:Hello? Bart?

Fake Bart:Uh, yeah, hey man. Eat my shorts... and also my socks.

Barney:That's not right...

Homer:Lisa, why can't you be more like Bart? He's famous for saying 'Eat my shorts' and 'Ay caramba!' You could be famous too!

Lisa:Dad, I don't want to be famous for saying stupid things. I want to achieve something worthwhile, something that actually means something.

Homer:Worthwhile? Lisa, Bart's making millions!

Lisa:That doesn't make it right. I'd rather be known for my intelligence and my contributions to society.

Homer:Hey, what's wrong with 'Eat my shorts'? Steve Urkel says 'Did I do that?' and everybody loves him.

Homer:I'd like to kill that guy.

Bart:Everyone keeps telling me the same thing: 'Stay in school, Bart.' 'Apply yourself, Bart.' 'Stop mooning the principal, Bart.'

Bart:Wait a minute... if I stay in school and apply myself, I'll graduate, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, and then what? I'll just tell my kids the same things my parents told me?

Bart:I'm trapped in an endless cycle! Is this all there is?

Announcer:Welcome to 'Wheel of Questionable Choices,' the game show where celebrities spin a wheel to determine their fate!

Announcer:Our first contestant tonight is... Bort Sampson!

Announcer:Next up, we have... Chet Ubetcha!

Announcer:And our third contestant is... a disembodied head in a jar!

Disembodied Head:Hello, I'm still alive!

Announcer:Welcome back to our show! Let's see what fate has in store for our guests today!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Audience:*weak, scattered applause and laughter*

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Audience Member:That's not funny.

Bart:Uh... Eat my pants?

Audience Member:That's terrible.

Bart:What happened to your career?

Krusty:Kid, show business is brutal. One day you're on top of the world, the next day you're working in a box factory.

Krusty the Clown:Hey, you got a problem with that?

Box Factory Worker:No, no problem at all, Mr. Krusty!

Bart:Well, that was a little harsh.

Radio DJ 1:You know, Bart Simpson used to be everywhere. Now? Nobody talks about him anymore.

Radio DJ 2:That's right. The key to staying relevant is to constantly reinvent yourself and keep things fresh.

Radio DJ 1:Absolutely. You can't just rely on the same old material.

Radio DJ 2:Nope, gotta mix it up, stay current, keep the audience interested.

Both:*rimshot and horn sound effects*

Marge:Bart, you can stop being a one-dimensional character.

Homer:D'oh!

Ned:Okily-dokily!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Mr. Burns:Excellent.

Lisa:If you'll excuse me, I have a saxophone to practice.

Bart:Dad, can you help me with my homework?

Homer:Eh? Did you say something? I wasn't listening. You gotta use catchphrases, boy. Like 'D'oh!' or 'Eat my shorts!' How else am I supposed to know what you're talking about?