Lisa Vs Malibu Stacy

Dignitary:As your elected official, I come before you today to discuss the critical issues facing our health care system...

Crowd:Is this Matlock?

Dignitary:No, no, I'm talking about preventative medicine and—

Crowd:We want Matlock!

Dignitary:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our special guest!

Dignitary:He's here to talk about youth programs and rehabilitation.

Dignitary:I strongly encourage all young people to spend more time in prison. It really builds character.

Grampa:I stole Matlock's heart medication.

Jasper:Why'd you do that?

Grampa:So he'd have to come back and get it. That way I'd see him again.

Grampa Simpson:Oh no, death's clammy hand on my shoulder... Wait a minute.

Grampa Simpson:That's just my own hand.

Grampa:Here's my personal correspondence, Lisa.

Lisa:A cease and desist letter from Boris Karloff in telegram format?

Grampa:Yep. Apparently my Frankenstein impression at the community center really upset him.

Homer:Woo-hoo! An inheritance!

Lenny:How much did you get, Homer?

Homer:I don't know yet, but it's gotta be huge!

Marge:Homer, we just got a call from the lawyer. The inheritance is for the entire family.

Homer:The entire family? D'oh!

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, I'd go down to the river with a nickel in my pocket and come back with a sack of silver dollars. Of course, the nickel was to bribe the river keeper.

Homer:Dad, we'd love to hear your antidotes, but we really have to get going.

Grampa:Antidotes? I'm telling stories, not cures for poison!

Grampa:Back in my day, turkeys weren't called turkeys. We called 'em walking birds.

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, Thanksgiving dinner was a real meal. We'd have a turkey stuffed with a whole chicken, which was stuffed with a pigeon, which was stuffed with a hard-boiled egg.

Grampa Simpson:And we'd deep fry the whole thing in a vat of lard while it was still on fire.

Grampa Simpson:Then we'd wrestle it to the table with our bare hands, and the man who could eat the most without passing out got to be king for a day.

Grampa Simpson:Course, half of us didn't survive dinner. That's why they called it Thankskilling.

Grampa:Back in my day, football and baseball had opposite names. Football, we played mostly with our hands. And baseball, we mostly used our feet.

Homer:Oh Marge, you worry too much. What could possibly go wrong?

Homer:Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Grampa Simpson:These newfangled toys ain't built like they used to be! Back in my day, a toy could survive a direct hit from a tank!

Grampa Simpson:Now look at this thing — falls apart if you so much as breathe on it!

Grampa Simpson:See? Broken already! And this one — *snap* — destroyed! Garbage, all of it!

Grampa Simpson:These toy soldiers will break if you step on 'em.

Grampa Simpson:See?

Homer:Look at me, I'm a concert pianist!

Audience:Booooo!

Marge:Now Lisa, when we get to the store, I want you to be very careful. I might get a little crazy shopping for Malibu Stacy.

Marge:That's MY Malibu Stacy! Get your own!

Marge:Oh look, Lisa! They have the new Stacy dolls on sale!

Lisa:Mom, these names are awful. 'Stacy with Detachable Limbs'?

Marge:And 'Stacy's Mysterious Rash.' Ugh, what were they thinking?

Lisa:This is exactly why we should boycott irresponsible toy manufacturers.

Marge:Agreed. Come on, let's go find something less disturbing.

Marge:Homer, you can't play with that while you're driving!

Homer:Marge, I've been driving for years. I think I know how to use a toy.

Grampa Simpson:Be careful with those toy guns, boy. I knew a fella once who got shot in the eye with a BB gun.

Homer Simpson:Grampa, that's terrible!

Grampa Simpson:Yeah, he was lucky. I got shot in the ass. Had to have it removed. Now I gotta sit on a pillow made of straw and my own dignity.

Malibu Stacy doll:Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!

Malibu Stacy doll:Don't vote Democrat... vote demi-crat!

Malibu Stacy:Help! I've lost all control of my vehicle! How do I make it stop?! Where are the brakes?! Oh my God, I'm going to crash!

Homer:Dad, I want you to know that no matter what happens, I love you very much.

Homer:You've been a great father and an even better friend.

Homer:But let's face it, you're a pretty lousy husband and an even worse provider.

Grampa:That's it! I'm gonna reinvent myself! I'm gonna be cool like those young people in the Buzz Cola commercial!

Homer:Dad, you can't just—

Grampa:I'm getting a skateboard, some baggy pants, and I'm gonna say 'radical' and 'tubular' a lot!

Marge:Dad Simpson, those commercials are made to manipulate people into buying soda.

Grampa:Manipulate? All I know is I feel alive again! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a gnarly dental appointment!

Grampa Simpson:This new soda is all the rage with the kids! I'm gonna be hip and with it!

Grampa Simpson:*takes a big sip* BLARGH! My dentures! My stomach! Why is it so... so... bubbly?!

Malibu Stacy doll:Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!

Lisa Simpson:Don't you have anything meaningful to say?

Malibu Stacy doll:Math class is tough!

Lisa:Don't you see? It's a dangerous image. It sends the message that a woman's worth is tied to her appearance and her romantic relationships. Malibu Stacy represents an outdated, patriarchal ideal that—

Lisa:And another thing! She comes with a limited wardrobe, which reinforces the idea that women should be confined to certain aesthetic choices. Plus, her career as an astronaut is never taken seriously because—

Lisa:The real problem is that she's a doll! A doll made for girls to play with, which means they internalize these values from childhood, and then they grow up thinking they need a man to complete them, which is exactly what Malibu Stacy teaches, which is why she's a doll in the first place!

Bart:Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

Marge:Grrrr...

Grampa Simpson:I'm still got it! Watch this!

Grampa Simpson:Ow! My back! My hip! My everything!

Celeste:My doll keeps saying the wrong things!

Celeste's doll:With great power comes great responsibility. Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is here to help!

Celeste:See? She's supposed to say 'let's have tea' not Spider-Man quotes!

Lisa:That's so sexist!

Bart:Whoa, Lisa! Watch your language!

Ralph:Yeah, my mom says that word is a bad word!

Lisa:No, sexism is discrimination based on—

Nelson:Ha-ha! Lisa said a bad word!

Homer:Lisa, your activism is really cutting into our TV time.

Lisa:Dad, I'm trying to make a difference in the world.

Homer:Yeah, well, the world can wait until after Wheel of Fortune.

Bart:At least she's doing something. I'm just here eating donuts and causing chaos.

Marge:We're all very proud of you, Lisa, but maybe you could be an activist during commercial breaks?

Bart:Lisa's boycotts? Let me see... she boycotted the box factory, the tire yard, the nuclear power plant...

Lisa:And don't forget Fox News.

Bart:Wait, isn't that our network?

Lisa:Exactly.

Marge:Oh honey, you're just worried about nothing. Everything's going to be fine.

Malibu Stacy doll:Oh honey, you're just worried about nothing. Everything's going to be fine.

Malibu Stacy doll:Don't ask me, I'm just a girl.

Tour Guide:Welcome to the magical world of toy production, where dreams come true and every child's wish is our command!

Factory Worker 1:Yeah, and we work 16-hour shifts for minimum wage.

Factory Worker 2:Half the toys fall apart before they leave the factory.

Factory Worker 1:And we're not even allowed bathroom breaks.

Narrator:Stacy Lavelle's vision was both bizarre and impractical: a store that sold only baby clothes... for adults.

Narrator:The edible doll was a commercial failure. It turned out that children preferred dolls they could play with for years, rather than a snack that would be gone in fifteen minutes.

Smithers:I have the world's largest collection of Mr. Burns memorabilia. 47,000 items, each one a testament to my devotion.

Homer:Wow, 47,000? That's... that's a lot of dolls, man.

Smithers:They're not dolls, they're collectible action figures. And I take them all to the annual Mr. Burns Convention.

Homer:A whole convention? Where's it held?

Smithers:A warehouse in Gary, Indiana.

Executive:We're very mindful of sexist concerns here at the company.

Executive:Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap while I explain our new harassment policy?

Homer:Why does nobody ever listen to me? I've got important things to say!

Lenny:Homer, you talk all the time. Nobody can get a word in.

Homer:That's not true! I'm very quiet. I'm basically invisible in conversations.

Marge:Homer, you interrupt everyone constantly.

Homer:Well yeah, but that's because what I have to say is important. I'm a white male in my forties with a steady job. People should be listening to me!

Homer Simpson:You know, it's funny. We always hear about women's issues, minorities' issues, but nobody ever talks about the concerns of a white male in his late thirties.

Homer Simpson:We're the most important people in the world, and yet no one seems to care what we think.

Grampa Simpson:Well, I'm gonna get myself a job! Yes sir, I'm gonna work hard, save money, buy a nice house, maybe get myself a young wife... wait, what was I talking about? Oh yes, the job. Or was it the wife? No, the job. Or was it... HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Grampa Simpson:Roger that, copy. I've got a large fries incoming at oh-six-hundred hours.

Drive-thru worker:Sir, that's just a regular order.

Grampa Simpson:Negative, soldier. We're running a tight ship here. This is a code yellow situation. I repeat, code yellow.

Drive-thru worker:It's... it's just a burger.

Grampa Simpson:Burgers don't win wars, son. Discipline wins wars. Now get me a status report on those fries. Over.

Smithers:Welcome to Krusty Burger, may I take your order?

Corporate Executive:Yes, I'll have a hamburger.

Smithers:Will that be a single or double?

Corporate Executive:What's the difference?

Smithers:One has two patties, sir.

Corporate Executive:But I only asked for a hamburger. Why would there be two patties?

Smithers:Hmm, let me just insert this into the slot and...

Computer:Error. That's too big.

Smithers:Oh! Well, I... I mean, yes, of course it is. I was just... testing the... structural integrity of the... equipment.

Random character:Wow, look at this amazing house!

Random character:I found my old baseball card collection in the attic!

Malibu Stacy:Hi! I'm Malibu Stacy. My hobbies include shopping, looking fabulous, and—

Malibu Stacy:*moaning sound effect*

Stacy Lavelle:Well, they said I was a hostile work environment, but between you and me, I also committed treason.

Stacy Lavelle:I've been married to Bob, and Jim, and Derek...

Stacy Lavelle:And then there was Doctor Doomsday...

Stacy Lavelle:And Cyborg Steve.

Grampa:Well folks, let me tell you about our secret sauce.

Grampa:It's been sitting in the sun for three weeks.

Grampa:It's just mayonnaise.

Grampa:I'm not old, I'm fun and youthful! Watch this—I'll make a sandwich that'll blow your mind!

Grampa:It's got three types of meat, five cheeses, and enough mayo to fill a bathtub. It's a living, breathing thing now.

Grampa:See how it's trembling? It knows what's about to happen to it. It's scared. It's begging for mercy.

Homer:Dad, it's a sandwich.

Grampa:Not anymore, boy. Now it's a PERSON. And I'm about to commit MURDER!

Stacy Lavelle:Finally, a doll that reflects the real woman of today. She has her own career, her own house, her own money. She can cook, she can fight, she can climb. She's got great pecs, huge calves, and a little mole on her butt.

Joe:Stacy, I never stopped loving you. Come back to me.

Stacy:Joe, I don't think that's a good idea.

Joe:Please? I'll do anything. I'll change. I'll be the man you always wanted.

Stacy:I'm sorry, Joe. It's over.

Joe:If you don't take me back, I'll break your legs!

Stacy Lavelle:Well, the hair is... it's just awful. I mean, really terrible. But the important thing is that you all tried.

Krusty:Listen kid, I'm a professional voice actor. One take, that's all I need.

Krusty:That's a wrap. I'm outta here.

Bart:How about we name her... Stupid Head?

Bart:Or Ugly Face?

Bart:Ooh! Ooh! I got it - Lisa!

Bart:Hello? Hello? HELLO?! Can anyone hear me?

Bart:I'm standing right here! I exist! I'M A REAL BOY!

Bart:Why is nobody listening to me?! This is insane!

Bart:I'm gonna lose it, man. I'm losing it right now.

Homer:Lisa, your news judgment is terrible. You don't know what you're talking about.

Lisa:Dad, I predicted the stock market crash of 2008.

Homer:Well... okay, that was pretty good.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program with breaking news. The President has been arrested for tax evasion. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program... Oh, wait, wait, wait! Don't change that dial! We'll have more details after these messages!

Grampa Simpson:You see, the divine purpose of aging is to become universally critical of everything and everyone around you.

Grampa Simpson:That's it! I quit! Do you know what I found in the meat slicer? My fingers! And they weren't even mine!

Lisa Simpson:The new Malibu Stacy is just a superficial makeover. They didn't change anything about her character or values.

Ralph Wiggum:But she has a new outfit!

Lisa Simpson:Sure, she's got a new outfit and a new car. But it's the same old Malibu Stacy. They just gave her a different outfit and a different car. Nothing's really changed.

Barbie-like doll commercial voice:New Malibu Stacy!

Lisa Simpson:Don't you see? They're just trying to distract us with superficial changes while the fundamental problems remain unsolved.

Lisa Simpson:Well, I may have failed, but at least I tried to make a difference.

Lisa Simpson:And that's what really matters.

Stacy Lavelle:I could really make a difference in one girl's life.

Homer:That's wonderful!

Stacy Lavelle:Yeah, I get fifty bucks a head.

Stacy Lavelle:I mean... the real reward is in the smiles.