Deep Space Homer

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Homer:On this tape, you can see two suspicious characters attempting to enter the plant.

Homer:Notice how they're wearing a trench coat to disguise themselves as one tall person.

Lenny:Hey, I got an award! 'Employee of the Month'... I've never worked here in my life!

Homer:Yeah, they're giving those to everybody now.

Lenny:Even me? I don't even work at this plant!

Mr. Burns:That's the spirit! Here's another one for showing up.

Lenny:Yeah, well, everyone's won except—

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Well, according to union rule 4, section B, subsection 12: 'No employee shall be terminated for occasional inattentiveness, minor infractions, or gross incompetence.' I'm covered!

Mr. Burns:Now, gentlemen, I want you to take these supplies down to the warehouse and distribute them among the rebel forces in—

Smithers:Sir, that's the employee handbook.

Mr. Burns:Oh. Well, carry on then.

Mr. Burns:The winner of this year's award is... a chair.

Homer:Oh, that's it! I'm gonna show that carbon rod how inanimate I can be!

Homer:A popularity contest? I lost to a chair!

Homer:This is the most unfair thing that's ever happened to me. And I once got stuck in a refrigerator for three days.

Marge:Homer, don't worry. You're still the man of this house.

Bart:Ha ha!

Lisa:Ha ha!

Maggie:*sucks pacifier mockingly*

Marge:Well, at least I can use his head as a sketch pad while he's passed out.

Homer:TV respects me.

TV Announcer:We interrupt this program to bring you this special message: Homer Simpson is a big fat idiot.

Homer:D'oh!

Kent Brockman:We now join the astronauts as they prepare for the most important mission in human history. The fate of our species depends on what they discover up there.

NASA Official:The mission objective is to study the mating habits of the common housefly in zero gravity.

TV Anchor:The two applications are essentially the same thing.

Kent Brockman:We have an exciting lineup of guests tonight - a lawyer, a accountant, and a tax advisor!

Kent Brockman:Truly, a colorful crew representing the diverse fabric of our community.

Homer:Give me the remote!

Bart:No way, Dad!

Homer:I'm warning you, boy!

Bart:Make me!

Homer:D'oh!

NASA Official:We're being beaten in the ratings by a TV special called 'Watching Paint Dry: A Study in Entropy.'

NASA Official 1:We need to generate some public interest in the space program.

NASA Official 2:What if we casually revealed a massive conspiracy about superintelligent space chimps?

NASA Official 1:Brilliant! That'll get them talking.

Super-intelligent chimp:Mission control, we have a problem.

NASA Official:We've been studying the most popular TV personalities.

NASA Official:We need people who are adored by millions, yet completely insignificant.

NASA Official:So we're sending Homer Simpson into space.

Homer Simpson:Look at all these TV personalities!

Bart Simpson:Yeah, there's Al Bundy from Married... with Children.

Homer Simpson:That guy's hilarious! All he does is make crude jokes about his wife's body.

Marge Simpson:Homer!

Homer Simpson:What? I'm just saying, that's his whole act!

NASA Official:We've analyzed popular TV personalities. We've decided to deliberately choose unqualified people for space.

Homer:Hello, NASA? Yeah, I'm calling to complain about your job posting. You said you're looking for someone with no training, no education, and no experience. Well, I'm your man!

Homer:Yeah, hi, NASA? Listen, I got some complaints about your space program... What? No, I can't talk right now, I'm in the bathroom... Hello? Hello?

Homer:Hello, is this the President?

President:Yes, who is this?

Homer:Listen here, pal. I don't care who you are. You're doing a lousy job!

President:But sir, I—

Homer:No buts! You know what? You're fired. Now get out of my sight!

NASA Official:We need brave men willing to go into space.

Homer:We're in!

NASA Official:You'll be heroes. People will respect you.

Barney:Respect?! No way! I'm out!

NASA Official:We've selected two representatives of average Americans for our new astronaut program.

NASA Official:Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble.

Reporter 1:So what exactly will the astronauts be doing in space?

Reporter 2:Will they go to space?

Reporter 3:And when they're up there, will they be... in space?

NASA Official:Yes, that's correct.

Reporter:Isn't it dangerous to send civilians into space?

Homer:Dangerous? No! It's the final frontier!

Homer:You know, like in Planet of the Apes. It was Earth all along!

Homer:You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! Goddamn you all to hell!

NASA Official:No beer during astronaut training.

Barney:What about wine?

Homer:I'm an astronaut now. I guess that's... good? I don't know, it means less shame at the bar.

Marge:I have a very wide range of emotions.

Marge:Anxious, very anxious, extremely anxious, and sleepy.

Barney:Since I got sober, my mental faculties have really sharpened up. Listen to this: 'The lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue. The lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue.' See? Crystal clear enunciation!

Homer:There once was a man from Peru, who dreamed he was eating his shoe...

Homer:He awoke with a fright, in the middle of the night, to find that his dream had come true! OW!

Homer:I'm strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me spinach!

Homer:ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH!

Kang:Observe how the human trains for space travel.

Kodos:Yes, but they will never boldly go where no one has gone before.

Kang:We already have.

NASA Official:We have some special guests today - the real astronauts.

Buzz Aldrin:I was the second man on the moon, but I want to be clear - I went to the moon. I didn't just watch from Earth like some people.

Homer:Wait, wait. I've got it. I'll just train really hard and... become an astronaut!

NASA Official:Sir, there is no space program competition.

Homer:Well, I've already bought the suit and the helmet and I've been practicing holding my breath for three weeks.

NASA Official:We believe that healthy competition between nations is good for space exploration.

NASA Official:Well, except for France. France is clearly losing.

Homer:I won? By default? Woo-hoo! By de-fault!

Homer:You know, in life you gotta seize the moment. You never know when Mr. T might show up at the Springfield Mall.

Homer:And if you're not there, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Homer:I should know. I missed him by five minutes back in '87. Five minutes! He was right there, signing autographs and everything.

Homer:Now I'll never get to tell him how much I admired his work on The A-Team.

Mission Control:Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one... Blastoff! We have liftoff!

Mission Control:The big rocket goes up, up, up into the sky! Whoooosh!

Mission Control:Now we wait for the astronauts to do space stuff and come back down. Yay!

Homer:Hey, check it out! I smuggled potato chips aboard the spacecraft!

Race Banyon:Homer, what were you thinking? Those crumbs could damage critical equipment and jeopardize the entire mission!

Homer:Aww, relax. What's the worst that could happen?

Race Banyon:The worst? A single chip fragment could short-circuit life support systems, navigation controls, or worse — the communications array!

Homer:James Taylor? Isn't he a president?

James Taylor:No, I'm a singer.

Buzz Aldrin:Well, thank you for coming anyway.

James Taylor:You know what? I've been nice about this, but you're really starting to get on my nerves. I'm not just some mellow guy you can push around!

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. NASA reports that the space shuttle has experienced a complete systems failure. We're now going live to Mission Control where they're attempting to regain contact with the crew.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you a special news report. Scientists have discovered that ants are beginning to organize and form a unified government. In response, the President has declared martial law and is calling all able-bodied citizens to arms.

Kent Brockman:This reporter, for one, welcomes our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a television personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

Kent Brockman:I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

James Taylor:You know, this reminds me of the time I was sailing off the coast of Martha's Vineyard, and we ran into a similar problem with fire ants in the galley.

Homer Simpson:Wait, how did you solve it?

James Taylor:Well, I simply played a soothing song on my guitar, and they all just... stopped attacking.

NASA Official:That's it! Music! We can broadcast James Taylor's music to the space station!

James Taylor:Of course. My music has always had that effect on the simple creatures of nature.

Race Banyon:10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Blastoff!

Kent Brockman:I'd like to take back what I said earlier about surrendering to the British. I was wrong. America will never surrender. Well, not permanently anyway. For now, we stand united as one nation, indivisible, under God. For now.

Reporter:The thing that saved them is the same carbon rod that beat Homer for worker of the week.

Homer:Why is everyone talking about the rod? I'm the one who pulled it out!

News Anchor:The rod has become a symbol of hope for the entire nation.

Homer:But I'm the hero! Me! Not some stupid rod!

Lisa:Dad, your unique experience of being trapped in that whale was poetic. A man alone with nature, facing mortality, finding inner truth.

Homer:What's that stuff coming out of the whale's blowhole?

Marge:Bart, why don't you tell your father how much you love him?

Bart:Ay caramba, Mom. I'd rather eat dirt.

Bart:*squeak squeak*

Homer:D'oh!