Homer Loves Flanders

Kent Brockman:We now turn to a disturbing report about military training being presented as scary to our children.

Kent Brockman:The army has rebranded itself as the 'Kill-bot Factory' to appeal to a younger demographic.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin. Tickets for the big game are going fast, so if you want to see the match, you'd better get yours now. A word of warning: tickets are a valuable commodity and have been known to cause severe injury or death.

Kent Brockman:I got mine.

Bart:Dad, I got you tickets to the big game!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Tickets? Let me see those!

Bart:Well, actually they're wig store coupons.

Homer:Wig store coupons? Why would I want those?

Bart:Because you get 50% off your second toupee, and a free headband with any hairpiece purchase over $30.

Homer:Why you little! I'm gonna wring your neck!

Bart:Wait, Dad! Don't you want a free wig?

Homer:A free wig? Why didn't you say so!

Homer:With this wig and my right hand, who needs Marge?

Marge:Homer!

Homer:Oh, come on Marge. I'm just kidding. ...Not really.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Purchase. Ever.

Marge:But don't you see the flaw in your logic?

Comic Book Guy:You make a fair point. However, you are a woman.

Man:I'd like to buy 847,000 tickets please.

Ticket Seller:That'll be $847,000. How will you be paying?

Man:Credit card.

Ticket Seller:Your credit limit is $10.

Man:That'll work.

Radio DJ:And now, here's Bobby McFerrin with his latest hit, 'Worry, Be Miserable.'

Homer:Look at all those sheep, mindlessly rushing for the newest phone.

Homer:I would never do something so stupid and—

Homer:Wait, is that the new iPhone?

Homer:D'oh!

Radio Announcer:And the winner of the lottery is... Nedward Flanders!

Ned:Well, praise the Lord! I won the lottery!

Homer:Why?! Why him?! Why not me?!

Ned:Well, I won the radio contest! Free tickets to the big game!

Ned:But wait... what are the tax implications of these free tickets? I better call my accountant.

Homer:I've got two tickets to paradise, won't you pack your bags, we'll leave tonight!

Homer:Why am I such a failure?

Bart:It's hereditary, Dad.

Lisa:The Springfield-Shelbyville rivalry is just a normal, healthy competition between neighboring towns.

Homer:Yeah, like when we burned down their lemon tree farm!

Lisa:Dad, that's not a normal competition. That's arson.

Homer:Well, they started it when they stole our flag!

Homer:They said they'd get revenge, but they're too chicken to poison our water supply like we did to theirs!

Barney:I'm seeing three of everything. I'm like a lobster that's been boiled too long.

Homer:Dear God, please let me get tickets to the big game.

Ned:Well howdy-diddly-doodly, Homer! The good Lord sent me to give you these tickets!

Homer:What? No, that's just Ned. God wouldn't send Ned.

Homer:Oh God, why have you forsaken me? Why won't you answer my prayers?

Marge:Homer, you've been praying to a waffle stuck on the ceiling.

Homer:Mmm... sacrilicious.

Marge:Homer, what's going on? You've been acting very strange lately.

Homer:Strange? Me? I'm not planning to... I mean, there's nothing suspicious about me at all!

Marge:Homer...

Homer:Okay, okay, you got me. I was going to... D'oh! Forget I said anything!

Ned:Well, I'd be happy to go to the game with you, Homer! The Lord's children deserve recreation and fellowship!

Ned:Okily-dokily, let's head down to the stadium and cheer on our team in a Christian manner!

Ned:Well, Homer, what's that rifle for?

Homer:Oh, this? I'm gonna shoot you.

Ned:Hehehehe, oh Homer!

Homer:Hehehehe!

Homer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Duck!

Barney:Look at Homer in his fancy self-driving car!

Lenny:Yeah, he's too cool for us now.

Carl:Must be one of those new self-driving cars.

Homer:No, no, I'm just—

Barney:Shh! The car is thinking!

Ned:Well, hidilly-ho, Homer!

Homer:Duck again!

Lenny:Whoa! Did you see that? The car just crashed!

Carl:Yeah, but at least it's an American self-driving car.

Mr. Burns:Now, I know what you're thinking. 'How can we motivate little Timmy to play through his illness?' Well, I'll tell you a secret. That illness? I gave it to him myself. Nothing inspires a child quite like a debilitating disease. In fact, I may have broken his legs too. For motivation, you understand.

Mr. Burns:Now listen here, you simpering fool. If we lose this game, I'll have you all working in the uranium mines for a month!

Player:Sir, that's... that's a terrible motivation.

Mr. Burns:Oh, is it? Then consider this: if we lose, I'll personally see to it that every child on the opposing team gets a good swift kick in the shins!

Player:Wait, sir... wouldn't that mean you'd injure MORE children if WE lose?

Mr. Burns:Exactly! Now get out there and WIN!

Homer:I'd like four hot dogs, please.

Vendor:That'll be $16.

Homer:Four hot dogs for $16? What happened to them?

Vendor:They're apparently completely mangled or missing.

Homer:Macho, macho man... I wanna be a nacho man!

Homer:Nacho, nacho man... I gotta be a nacho man!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Yeah! Go team! We're gonna win! Nothing can stop us now! We're the greatest! We're invincible! We're... oh wait, we're gonna lose, aren't we? Yeah, we're definitely gonna lose.

Homer:Woo-hoo! We won!

Homer:Oh Neddy, you beautiful man!

Homer:And to the rest of you losers, in your faces! In your stupid faces!

Football Player:Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you! Can I get your autograph? Please? Just one autograph?

Passerby:No thanks.

Football Player:Oh, you think you're too good for me? You're a jerk! A real jerk! And your mother dresses you funny!

Stan Taylor:Ned saved me from partying and models.

Homer:Yeah, athletes always want more.

Homer:A football! My own football!

Homer:From now on, I'm calling you Touchdown Crusher... and you're grounded!

Homer:Ned! You're my best friend!

Crowd:Ooooooh!

Lenny:Homer's gay!

Carl:That's so brave!

Barney:We're all very proud of you, Homer!

Lisa:That's as likely as Bart getting good grades.

Bart:Hey!

Homer:Yeah, I'm known as 'The Cannon' around here. Best pool player in Springfield.

Barney:That's not why they call you that, Homer.

Homer:Sure it is! My shots are incredible!

Barney:They call you 'The Cannon' because you're round and you always fall down the stairs.

Homer:I'm gonna sue!

Homer:Just kidding, I'm not actually litigious.

Ned:Well now, son, what seems to be troubling you?

Ralph:I don't have any sins to confess, Reverend.

Ned:Well, that's wonderful, boy. You're a credit to— wait just a minute. You WANT to have sins to confess? That's pride, son. That's a sin right there.

Homer:Hey Ned, you got a satellite dish?

Ned:Well, howdy-diddly-do, Homer! Yes-indeedy, I do have a satellite dish. Blocks out all those sinful channels - HBO, Showtime, the Playboy Channel...

Homer:So what can you watch?

Ned:Well, I get the 700 Club, Christian aerobics, and a channel that's just a test pattern.

Rod:Goodnight, Homer.

Todd:Goodnight, Homer.

Homer:Uh, goodnight, boys.

Barney:I object!

Barney:That was beautiful. I'm gonna cry.

Barney:And if any of you tell anyone I cried, I'll kill ya.

Marge:Homer, we need to talk about something important.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, later, sex!

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? I said 'later, sex!' That means I'll see you later and then we'll have sex. I'm being romantic!

Ned:So Homer, what charity work do you do?

Homer:Well, I do a lot of community service.

Ned:That's wonderful! The Lord must be pleased.

Homer:Yeah, well, it was court-ordered. For public urination.

Homer:Helping people is exhausting. I'm drained, depleted, completely wiped out.

Homer:Why is Moe's closed on Mondays? That's the only day I have off!

Ned:Well, Homer, even barkeeps need a day of rest.

Homer:A day of rest? What am I supposed to do on Mondays?

Ned:Spend time with your family, perhaps?

Homer:Marge, did you hear that? Ned says I should spend time with you on Mondays.

Homer:Oh boy, free food! Don't mind if I do.

Homer:These charity cases won't miss a few sandwiches.

Photographer:This is wonderful! A man giving food to the homeless with such enthusiasm!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Photographer:Perfect! This will make a great photo for the newspaper.

Homer:Why would you hurt me, Marge?

Marge:I'm not going to hurt you.

Homer:That's exactly what someone who's going to hurt me would say.

Bart:The Flanders are total geeks.

Homer:Don't be ridiculous, Bart. The Flanders are cool... I mean, the Flander are cool... the Flanderse...

Lisa:You see, Bart, what we're experiencing is a classic sitcom formula. The family faces a crisis, hilarity ensues, and by the end of the episode, we learn a valuable lesson and everything returns to normal for next week's episode.

Bart:Mom and Dad have been really distant lately. I'm worried our family's falling apart.

Lisa:Don't worry, Bart. In a sitcom, no matter how bad things get, everything resets by the end of the episode. We'll be fine.

Bart:How can you be so sure?

Lisa:Because if we didn't, they'd have to actually develop our characters and address real issues. And we both know that's not happening.

Homer:He just keeps saying the same thing over and over again.

Ned:Well, yeah, that's what makes it a rap song, Homer.

Rod:Wow, sugar! Thanks, mister!

Todd:Yeah, thanks a lot!

Homer:No problem, boys. Enjoy!

Rod:Hey Todd, let's go kick some ass!

Todd:Yeah! And we can steal stuff too!

Ned:What in tarnation?!

Homer:To the friendship between the Simpsons and the Flanders... the Simlandsons!

Ned:I'm taking my boy to the hospital!

Homer:Wait, Neddy! You can't leave now!

Ned:My son needs medical attention!

Homer:But who's gonna watch the boat?

Homer:Dibs!

Ned:Lord, give me strength to endure this friendship rather than embrace it.

Homer:Well, would you look at that. Your car just happened to be parked right where I was driving.

Ned:Homer, you plowed through my entire fence!

Homer:These things happen, Neddy. It's called Murphy's Law. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.

Ned:Well, I've been feeling some mighty un-Christian hatred in my heart, and I don't know who it's for!

Ned:Wait a minute... I've been thinking of the wrong person this whole time!

Ned:I actually like that fella!

Homer:Wait, I'm not having a moral crisis. I just really hate that TV host.

Ned:Oh thank heavens! I thought you were wrestling with your conscience like me.

Homer:Nope. Just a regular hate. The guy's a jerk.

Ned:Well, Homer, this is kind of a family-only event.

Homer:No reporters? Finally!

Ned:Well, I... uh... I didn't see anything, Homer.

Todd:But Dad, didn't you say lying is a sin?

Ned:Well, yes, Todd, but sometimes we have to...

Todd:And won't we go to Hell?

Ned:...I'll just tell him the truth.

Homer:Why are we slowing down? Step on it!

Ned:I'm trying, Homer, but this is a Geo Metro. It's got a four-cylinder engine and about as much horsepower as a lawnmower.

Homer:Well, can't you at least honk the horn or something?

Ned:The horn doesn't work. The battery's too weak.

Ned Flanders:I tell you, officer, I'm innocent! I would never use drugs. The good Lord knows my heart is pure!

Police Officer:Sure, sure. That's what they all say. We found a bag of marijuana in your car.

Ned Flanders:Marijuana?! Diddly-doodly, no! Perhaps someone planted it on me!

Police Officer:Look, pal, I've been doing this job for twenty years. I've never seen a drug user quite like you. You're so... wholesome.

Ned Flanders:Well, thank the Lord!

Police Officer:Which is exactly why I know you're guilty. Nobody's that clean unless they're hiding something big.

Police Officer:We got him boys!

Ned Flanders:Now hold on just a gosh-darn minute!

Police Officer:Oh, the Lord will provide, eh Flanders? Well the Lord didn't provide bail money, did he?

Homer:Mmmmm... *whistling sounds*

Ned:That's it! I've had it up to HERE with you, Homer Simpson! You come into MY church, you disrupt the service, you eat all the donuts, and now you're— OH, FOR THE LOVE OF—! DIDDLY-DAMMIT!

Homer:Now, I know Ned's been through a lot, and maybe he's a little... different. But I'll tell you something - that man is good. Really good. The kind of good that makes the rest of us look bad just by standing next to him.

Homer:Well, Lisa, I guess things are finally getting back to normal around here.

Lisa:I wouldn't be so sure about that, Dad.

Homer:Why not? What could possibly go wrong? Hey, I just found a map to a secret treasure buried under the town! Come on, boys!

Homer:Oh great, it's Flanders. What do you want?

Ned:Well, howdy-diddly-doodily, Homer! I was hoping we could go on an adventure together!

Homer:An adventure? With you? No way, Flanders. You're annoying and I hate you.

Ned:Oh, well that's just fine and dandy! I'll be on my way then. Have a blessed day, neighbor!