Bart Gets An Elephant

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Ahhhhhhh!

Homer:Oh boy, oh boy! A nickel!

Homer:And another nickel!

Homer:And my lucky underwear! How did that get in here?

Homer:Wait, there's another pair... and another...

Homer:Why do I keep finding my underwear in the couch?

Marge:Homer, those are mine.

Homer:Oh.

Bart:Man, I got big plans today. I'm gonna figure out if aliens are real.

Homer:That's nice, son. Hey, where'd you get your information?

Bart:From Ralph Wiggum.

Homer:Ralph? That six-year-old? What does he know about aliens?

Bart:Exactly, Dad. Nothing. But he's so dumb, when he talks about aliens, it actually sounds scientific.

Lisa:I spent the weekend learning blues guitar and playing with my band.

Homer:Blues guitar? That's cool, Lise.

Lisa:Well, it's actually a bit ironic. Here I am, a white girl from Springfield, trying to authentically play the blues.

Bart:The blues? I thought you only listened to that depressing folk stuff.

Lisa:The blues is folk music of the African-American experience. It's important to honor that tradition.

Homer:So basically, you're playing sad songs about not being sad.

Homer:Son, I'm gonna teach you about sportsmanship. When you lose, you hold your head high, you shake your opponent's hand, and you go home with your dignity intact.

Bart:That sounds pretty good, Dad.

Homer:Yeah, well that's the theory. In practice, you go to Moe's and drink until the sadness goes away.

Homer:I have to clean? *gasps* Oh no! Why me?! *collapses dramatically* I can't... I won't... *writhes on floor* This is worse than that time I had to exercise! *clutches chest* My back! My knees! My everything! *lies motionless* I'm dead. Tell Marge... I love her... *one final pathetic whimper*

Homer:Why should I waste time cleaning? I've got a better idea.

Homer:I'll just buy a new house!

Homer:Yeah, that's me. I owe my soul to the company store.

Marge:Homer, you need to throw away these old calendars. They're from 1985.

Homer:But what if 1985 comes back around?

Homer:Ah, remember this episode? 'A man learns a valuable lesson.' Those were the days.

Homer:Gollllly, Sarge!

Homer:Shazam!

Bart:I did not have musical relations with that sax.

Lisa:Well, I am not having you treat me like some intern!

Homer:Pfft. Warning labels. Hey, I'm not a safety inspector. I'm a Sector 7G supervisor.

Homer:I declare war on you, cleaning supplies! You will not defeat me! I am Homer Jay Simpson, and I will emerge victorious!

Marge:Homer, please stop screaming!

Homer:Okay.

Homer:*whispers loudly* Ahhhhhhhhh!

Radio DJ:Okay, caller, you can take the ten thousand dollars, or you can take what's in the mystery box.

Caller:What's in the mystery box?

Radio DJ:If I told you, it wouldn't be a mystery. It would be a box.

Bart:Congratulations! You're the lucky winner of our contest!

Bart:What do I win? A stupid prize? Are you kidding me?

Chief Wiggum:Hello, police emergency? We need help immediately!

Criminals:Whoa, whoa, whoa! These tasers are amazing!

Criminals:Look at me go!

Chief Wiggum:Guys, please, we're in serious danger here!

Criminals:This is the best day ever!

Announcer:And the winner of our stupid prize is...

Bill:An elephant! Finally!

Announcer:A completely impractical elephant.

Bart:Let me get this straight. I can have ten grand, or I can have an elephant.

Bart:I'll take the elephant.

Radio Station Host:We can't believe you actually chose the elephant! We were just joking!

Bart:Well, you said if I called in the 99th caller, I'd win an elephant.

Radio Station Host:Yeah, but nobody actually wins! It's a prank!

Radio Host 1:Son, you can't keep an elephant in your house. It's illegal!

Radio Host 2:Yeah, think about your family. Think about your neighbors.

Bart:Man, you're just trying to keep me down. This is about control, man. The Man doesn't want me to have an elephant because it represents freedom!

Lisa:Dad, that's the worst idea you've ever had. And I say that as someone who's watched you try to deep-fry a turkey while wearing a propane tank as a backpack.

Homer:So you're saying it's a good idea?

Lisa:No, I'm saying— Actually, you know what? Go for it. I'm tired of being the rational one. Let's see what happens.

Homer:Come on, boy. Take the money. Love can be bought!

Bart:Dad, that's not how love works.

Homer:Oh yeah? Then explain why I married your mother for fifty bucks and a six-pack.

Marge:Well, if you just use a coupon and shop on double coupon day, you could save almost three percent!

Marge:Oh my goodness, three percent! That's wonderful!

Lisa:Dad, don't you realize that eating meat is unethical? These animals have feelings and emotions just like we do.

Homer:Mmm... meat.

Radio DJ:We can't give away an elephant! Okay, how about a year's supply of turtle wax?

Radio DJ:No? Alright, a lifetime supply of cubed cheese?

Radio DJ:Still no? We'll throw in a case of chutney and a lovely poncho!

Radio DJ:A jet ski? A jet ski with a tuxedo painted on it?

Radio DJ:Fine! Ten thousand dollars!

Radio DJ:Okay, okay, a elephant... and a flamingo!

Principal Skinner:Now, before we proceed with this outrageous surgical proposal, have you filed the proper forms in triplicate with the school district?

Bart:Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Marge:What is it, Bart?

Bart:Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Marge:BART!

Bart:Ay caramba, woman, I need twenty dollars.

News Anchor Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. The chant 'Mom, Mom, Mom' has taken Springfield by storm.

Crowd:Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Radio DJ:What a profound question. 'Where's my elephant?' It speaks to the very nature of loss, of absence, of the human condition itself.

DJ-3000:Hey everybody, DJ-3000 here! You know what they say - I'm not just playing the hits, I'm playing the... *SCRATCHES RECORD* ...disk-o-very channel! Get it? Because I'm a disk... and I discovered... okay, moving on. Next up, we've got a request for some heavy metal. I said HEAVY metal - my circuits are overloaded! Why did the turntable go to school? Because it wanted to get on the right track! I'll be here all week, folks. Actually, I'm bolted down, so I'm literally here all week.

DJ-3000:Generic anti-Congress sentiment that applies to any situation

Homer:Look at all that gore!

Homer:Al Gore? That guy's a bore, but I didn't know he was all bloody and chopped up like that.

Marge:Homer, we can't keep an elephant! Where will it sleep? What will it eat?

Homer:Marge, Marge, Marge... You're thinking like a Democrat. We need to embrace free-market elephant ownership. Besides, it's a job creator.

Homer:Look at him, thinking he's people.

Homer:I treat that elephant fine! I feed it, I give it water, I let it sleep in the garage... Well, okay, I don't feed it every day. And the water is from the hose. And it sleeps on concrete. But I've never hit it with a stick! Well, not a big stick. Just a little stick when it eats my donuts. And that one time it looked at me funny...

Homer:Well, I've been inside an elephant, a whale, and a giant squid. That's three out of five large animals. I'm gonna beat that record.

Homer:Just need a hippopotamus and a blue whale... wait, I already said whale.

Homer:Get it off! Get it off me!

Lisa:Dad, it's just preening you. Birds groom each other.

Homer:Oh... well, why didn't you say so?

Homer:That's right, birdie. Groom me. Groom me good.

Homer:Mmm, that feels nice. Oh yeah, right there. Oooh!

Homer:You know, I'd give this bird a five-star review. Very thorough, gentle technique, and it only pecked me twice.

Homer:I'd definitely recommend this grooming service to a friend. Though maybe not to Lenny.

Bart:Thanks, Stampy.

Marge:An oversized decorative poncho? Homer, this cost $300!

Homer:It's not for me, Marge. It's for the llama.

Marge:We don't have a llama.

Homer:I know. That's why I got him a poncho. Now he'll fit in.

Bart:Dad, I need a huge allowance increase. I've got elephant expenses.

Homer:An elephant? Sure, son, whatever you need. Here's a thousand bucks a week.

Bart:Really? Just like that?

Homer:Of course! What could possibly go wrong?

Homer:Woo-hoo! A lawsuit!

Homer:Look at all these slack-jawed yokels.

Visitor:Hey! We ain't yokels. You're the yokel, ya dumb ox!

Mr. Burns:Ah, using humans as beasts of burden. Just like the good old days.

Homer:I'm a financial genius! I've tripled my investments!

Marge:Homer, that's wonderful!

Homer:Yeah, I'm basically a Wall Street wizard. My portfolio is—

Marge:Wait, what's this bill? 'Final Notice'?

Homer:Oh, that. Yeah, I'm down to my last thousand dollars.

Homer:Money, I know we've had our ups and downs, but I want you to know that I've always respected you.

Homer:In fact, I love you. And I promise from this day forward, things are gonna be different between us.

Homer:No more of this neglect. We're gonna spend quality time together.

Customer:I've been coming here for years and paying $4 each time!

Homer:Well, I'm instituting retroactive price increases. You now owe me $47.

Customer:That's not how that works!

Homer:It does now. I made up a new rule.

Homer:Is Stampy an elephant?

Circus Owner:Well, he was, but we had to let him go. He wasn't elephanty enough.

Lisa:Everything about him is made from elephant parts, even currency.

Lisa:Dad, if you buy ivory, you're supporting poachers who kill endangered elephants.

Homer:Lisa, Lisa, Lisa... If I don't buy the ivory, the poachers will just keep hunting elephants. But if I buy it all up, there's no more ivory to sell, so they'll stop!

Lisa:That's not how supply and demand works, Dad.

Homer:Eh, close enough.

Mr. Blackheart:I've been a lot of things in my life - a hit man, a loan shark, a bookie... but my last job was the worst.

Mr. Blackheart:I was president of the Fox network.

Bart:I'm running away with Stampy! We're heading to Africa!

Homer:Africa? Son, that's just across the street.

Bart:I know, Dad. We're taking the long way.

Ned Flanders:Well, you know, the good book says that an elephant can fit through the eye of a needle.

Homer:Ned, that's a camel.

Ned Flanders:Well, I was close!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Patty and Selma!

Patty:Well, the tornado tore the roof clean off our house.

Selma:And it sucked out all our furniture.

Patty:But the worst part? It blew away our cigarettes.

Selma:We've been standing in the rubble for three hours just smoking the dirt.

Chief Wiggum:An elephant? In Springfield? That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard all week. Probably just some prankster with a fake elephant costume.

Chief Wiggum:Look, I'm not falling for this nonsense. I've got real police work to do. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to practice my elephant impression. *Makes loud trumpet noise while waving arm*

Officer:Chief! There's a real fire at the elementary school!

Chief Wiggum:*Still doing elephant impression* Phhhhoooooo! Phhhhoooooo! Can't you see I'm busy here?

Peanut factory manager:We've got contingency plans for elephant attacks at every facility. If one factory gets hit, we simply transfer operations to our backup locations across the state.

Homer:Elephants! Why is Bart with elephants?

Bart:We're doing a Sound of Music number!

Homer:Sound of Music? That's great! How much money are we making?

Lisa:Dad, would you be willing to be killed so they could make piano keys out of your skin?

Homer:Killed? No. But I'd let them kill me.

Homer:Don't worry, I got this! I'll just swim out!

Homer:Okay, swimming's not working. I'll use my brain power to levitate!

Homer:Alright, levitation's a no-go. I'll call a helicopter!

Homer:Wait, I don't have a phone. I'll just yell really loud and hope someone hears me!

Homer:That's not working either. I know! I'll turn into a bird!

Homer:Why can't I turn into a bird?! Stupid tar!

Homer:That elephant saved my life! I'm gonna call him... Stampy.

Lisa:Dad, that's a girl elephant.

Homer:So? I'm gonna call her Stampy anyway.

Marge:Homer, 'Stampy' is a boy's name.

Homer:Well, she's stamping around, isn't she?

Homer:Well, I guess this is goodbye, Stampy. I hope you'll be happy here at the refuge.

Homer:Wait a minute... if I give you away, then you'll be gone. But if you're gone, then I won't have you to give away... so how can I give you away if you're already gone?

Homer:Hmm, or is it the other way around?

Marge:Well, at least this isn't as bad as the time we got stuck in that vat of caramel at the factory.

Wildlife refuge worker:Some animals are just jerks.