Lisas Rival

Bart:Is there a Butz here? Butz? First name Seymour?

Principal Skinner:Oh, yes. Thank you for reminding me. I've been meaning to change that.

Homer:Don't worry Marge, I'll fix it. I've got my trusty hammer and saw.

Marge:Homer, no! That's a delicate camera!

Homer:You're gonna need a bigger boat.

TV Romance Novel Character 1:Oh Dirk, your muscles are like steel!

TV Romance Novel Character 2:And your eyes are like pools of liquid sapphire!

TV Romance Novel Character 1:Let us make love on this pile of money!

TV Romance Novel Character 2:Yes! While this saxophone plays!

Homer:Lisa, your saxophone playing is driving me crazy! Can't you practice somewhere else?

Lisa:Dad, I'm just trying to improve my skills.

Homer:Well, you're really blowing me... I mean, you're really annoying me with all that blowing!

Ned Flanders:Oh my stars! That infernal noise! It must be the trumpets of the Rapture!

Lisa Simpson:It's just my saxophone, Mr. Flanders.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'll be diddly-diddled! Here I thought the end times were upon us, and it's just some jazz music!

Ralph:My dad says Columbus was Italian.

Ralph:But Mom says he was Jewish.

Ralph:I'm gonna go with Jewish.

Ralph:My cat's name is Mittens.

Miss Hoover:That's... nice, Ralph.

Ralph:She's pregnant.

Miss Hoover:Oh... congratulations.

Ralph:I'm a kitty cat!

Lisa:When did she ever get praise for being smart? I've been doing that since fourth grade and nobody cares.

Allison:Lisa, are you okay? You're breathing really heavily into that lunch bag.

Lisa:Oh, I'm just keeping my sandwich warm.

Lisa Simpson:I have wonderful friends.

Janey Powell:We're not your friends, Lisa.

Ralph Wiggum:Yeah, you're a dork.

Lisa:We like the same books!

Allison:We like the same books!

Lisa:We both play saxophone!

Allison:We both play saxophone!

Lisa:This is so great!

Allison:This is so great!

Lisa:We're like the same person!

Allison:We're like the same person!

Homer:Watch out for that pothole! And that dead animal! Oh, and that other pothole!

Homer:Donut!

Homer:Don't worry, I'll help!

Truck driver:Thank you! You're a lifesaver!

Truck driver:I could kiss you right now.

Homer:Woo-hoo! I found sugar! This is the greatest day of my life! I'm gonna be rich! I'm gonna be famous! I'm gonna... wait, it's just a little bit.

Bart:Dad, isn't taking the sugar from the bowl stealing?

Homer:Well, let's see. The bowl is in our house, we pay taxes on the house, so technically we own the sugar. Plus, I'm part of the family, so I have squatter's rights to any food in this kitchen. And finally, I'm hungry, which means I have a legitimate claim under the Eminent Domain Deliciousness Act of 1987.

Homer:Why can't they just skip her ahead a grade?

Marge:The school says she's already at the top of her class.

Homer:Well, maybe she needs to be... skipped ahead in a different way, if you know what I mean.

Marge:Homer, that's a wonderful idea! We could send her to summer school!

Homer:What's wrong with my cooking? I followed the recipe perfectly!

Lisa:Dad, this tastes like you made it in a toxic waste dump.

Homer:Toxic waste? That's just the special ingredient - contaminated sugar I found behind the nuclear plant! It came with a prize inside!

Lisa:That's not a prize, that's radiation poisoning.

Homer:D'oh! Well, I'm keeping the prize anyway. Mmm... glowing donuts!

Lisa:Dad, there's a stick of dynamite in here.

Homer:I know, sweetie. Isn't it great?

Lisa:No, it's not great. It's dangerous.

Student:I'll play the hurdy-gurdy!

Principal Seymour Skinner:That's not a band instrument.

Student:It was in the Middle Ages!

Lisa:So I won?

Band teacher:No, you survived. There's a difference.

Lisa:Please tell me that was just a dream.

Band teacher:No, Lisa, it really happened.

Lisa:Please tell me that was just a dream.

Band teacher:No, Lisa, it really happened.

Bart:Yeah, and I'm number two. Literally.

Marge:There's always someone better. I learned that at Elvis's mansion when I met a woman with bigger hair than me.

Lisa:Actually, when a bear is attacking you, the worst thing you can do is play dead. You should run away screaming as loud as you can.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'm afraid I can't accept this sugar, Homer. You see, my mother doesn't allow sweets in the house.

Maude Flanders:That's right, Nedward. And since you've been sneaking candy, you're grounded for a month!

Ned Flanders:But Mother, I'm 60 years old!

Lisa:I used to be the smart kid. Now I'm just the one with the weird cat.

Bart:I can't stand to see Lisa miserable.

Bart:So I'm gonna put a bucket of water on top of her door.

Bart:I can dig up some dirt on Allison for you.

Milhouse:Really? Like what?

Bart:Well, she's a teacher's pet, she gets good grades, she's annoying...

FBI Agent:We're gonna need to shut down the school.

FBI Agent:Set up a perimeter. Get the hazmat suits.

Bart:Check it out, Lisa. I'm a professional businessman now. Got business cards and everything.

Lisa:Bart, your card just says 'Bart Simpson' and lists 'professional troublemaker' as your occupation.

Bart:Exactly. I'm being honest about my brand.

Marge:Homer, do you realize what you've lost? That job paid for our house, our food, everything!

Homer:Woo-hoo! I'm free! No more boss, no more work, no more responsibilities!

Marge:Homer, you don't understand. We have bills to pay, children to feed—

Homer:D'oh! Wait, what? Bills? I thought those were just suggestions.

Announcer:Lisa Simpson, you've won second place! Again!

Lisa:No! Not again!

Announcer:Yes, Lisa. You are doomed to finish second for all eternity. Second place in academics, second place in competitions, second place in everything!

Lisa:But I'm a straight-A student!

Announcer:Second best straight-A student. There's always someone smarter. Always.

Crowd:Second! Second! Second!

Lisa:This is my worst nightmare!

Bart:Man, I can't find any dirt on Allison. She's like, perfect or something.

Milhouse:Well, if it helps, I got arrested again.

Bart:Milhouse, that doesn't help at all!

Lisa:CARTHORSE

Professor Taylor:That's not a word.

Lisa:Well, it's a horse that drives a cart.

Allison:Would you like to come over and play with my collection of porcelain figurines? They're all arranged by rarity and historical significance.

Lisa:Um, sure...

Allison:We can make them have conversations. I usually do all the voices myself, but you can help if you want. Don't worry, I'll explain the complex plot points.

Allison:And here we have a detailed recreation of the Boston Massacre with authentic blood spatter effects and these are real human teeth I collected from a forensics textbook!

Homer:You know, a man's sugar is his castle. You gotta protect it, keep it safe from the vultures and the thieves and the... the... Bart.

Homer:But what if I'm the thief? What if I'm stealing from myself? Am I committing a crime against humanity? Against myself-humanity?

Homer:No! No, I gotta hide it. Hide it where no one will find it. Not even me. Especially not me.

Homer:Where's my sugar? WHERE'S MY SUGAR?!

Homer:Say hello to my little friend!

Homer:This sugar... it's beautiful. Pure. White. Crystalline perfection.

Marge:Homer, it's just sugar from the cupboard.

Homer:You don't understand, Marge. I'm gonna build an empire. A SUGAR empire!

Homer:All I have in this world is my balls and my word, and I don't break 'em for nobody.

Marge:Homer, I haven't stolen any sugar.

Homer:Then where does all the sugar go?

Marge:I use it for tea.

Homer:That's theft, Marge!

Homer:You know, in this life we all have to make choices. Some people choose to be doctors, some choose to be lawyers. I chose sugar. And let me tell you something — there's no shame in that. Sugar is life! Sugar is love! Sugar is... well, it's sugar!

Homer:Why are they always chasing me?!

Beekeeper:Because you're covered in honey, you idiot!

Homer:Oh, that would do it.

Bart:Hey Lis, look on the bright side. At least you don't have to do your homework anymore.

Lisa:Bart, my entire diorama was destroyed!

Bart:Yeah, but think about it - no more late nights, no more stress. You're free!

Bart:Well, Lisa, you've finally seen the light. Welcome to the dark side. We have cookies... well, we *had* cookies, but I ate 'em all.

Bart:We'll stay relatively dry.

Lisa:Relatively? Bart, the hose has a 3/4 inch diameter and you're positioned 12 feet away with a 40 PSI nozzle setting. The volumetric flow rate alone will drench you in under 4 seconds.

Bart:Yeah, well... relatively dry to a drowning guy.

Lisa:Bart, every time you come up with this hose-soaking plan, it backfires! When are you going to learn?

Beekeeper:That's strange, the hive is completely silent. Usually they're buzzing around this time of day.

Homer:Maybe they're sleeping. Do bees sleep?

Beekeeper:Of course bees sleep, but not all at once during—

Homer:Well, I put on some soft jazz and a white noise machine. You're welcome.

Beekeeper:So you're telling me you built an elaborate system of tubes and pulleys to distribute sugar to every corner of Springfield?

Homer:Well, yeah, but—

Beekeeper:And you didn't think bees would follow it?

Homer:Bees? What do bees have to do with sugar?

Homer:No! My sugar! It's melting! Melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!

Homer:All this sugar is making me sick. I've learned my lesson about moderation.

Lisa:Dad, that's great! So you understand the importance of balance?

Homer:Balance? No, I've decided to give up sugar forever and become a monk in Tibet.

Lisa:But Dad, Tibet isn't a religion, it's a region in Asia.

Homer:Yeah, and they probably have no donuts there, which is basically heaven. I'm leaving tomorrow.

Student:For my diorama, I did a literal interpretation of The Grapes of Wrath.

Student:So I got some actual grapes and drew an angry face on them.

Uter:But I was saving it for the science fair! Please, I need that chocolate back!

Uter:Okay, okay... I ate it. I ate all of it. I couldn't help myself!

Bart:Hey everyone, look at me! I'm gonna eat this whole pile of bees!

Students:Whoa!

Bart:They're in my mouth! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Principal Skinner:What is the meaning of this? A cow's heart instead of a diorama?

Allison Taylor:I didn't do that! Someone replaced my project!

Principal Skinner:Well, I find it to be a very pointed comment on the brutality of our educational system. Well done.

Lisa:I can't sleep. All I hear is that thumping sound... thump-thump, thump-thump. It's like a beating heart under the floorboards.

Lisa:Why won't it stop? I just sabotaged one little science project. It's not like I... I mean, Allison deserved it. She's so perfect and...

Lisa:But what if she finds out? What if everyone knows what I did? The guilt is driving me insane!

Principal Skinner:Well, this is certainly... a diorama.

Miss Hoover:The children worked very hard on it, Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner:Yes, well, the glue application is uneven, the perspective is slightly off, and I'm fairly certain that's a Barbie shoe, not a period-appropriate boot. Mediocre at best.

Miss Hoover:But sir, it took them three weeks—

Principal Skinner:THREE weeks to produce THIS? Frankly, I'm disappointed in all of you.

Principal Skinner:Ralph, this was supposed to be a diorama of the Civil War.

Ralph:I glued myself to the carpet.

Ralph:I'm the best!

Ralph:My toy got a little scratch, but I'm okay!

Lisa:An anagram is when you rearrange the letters of a word to make a new word.

Allison:For example, 'evil' is an anagram of 'live'.

Ralph:I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt. Butt!