Lemon Of Troy

Bart:Wow, wet cement! This is so cool!

Homer:Don't touch that, boy. It's wet.

Bart:But Dad, it feels so smooth and soft...

Homer:I said don't touch it!

Bart:You know what's even better than wet cement? High voltage!

Homer:What?!

Bart:I'm gonna go stick my finger in that electrical socket!

Homer:Hey Bart, you want this incredibly dangerous invention?

Bart:Nah, I'm too busy right now.

Future archaeologist:This graffiti appears to be from the early 21st century. Note the primitive etching technique and the mysterious repeated symbol: 'El Barto.'

Future archaeologist:Scholars have debated for centuries whether this was a religious marking, a territorial claim, or perhaps evidence of an advanced civilization we've yet to understand.

Future archaeologist:We may never know the true meaning behind these ancient words... unlike Stonehenge or the pyramids, which are actually important.

Future Archaeologist 1:Based on these artifacts, it appears Bart Simpson was the intellectual superior of the two siblings.

Future Archaeologist 2:Remarkable. And yet our records clearly indicate Lisa Simpson became a world-renowned genius.

Future Archaeologist 1:Yes, well, the evidence suggests he was far more intelligent. The irony is quite compelling.

Future Bart:Eat my shorts, dude.

Future Person 1:Amazing! A boy from the past!

Future Person 2:We must worship him!

Future People:All hail Bart! All hail Bart!

Bart:Here comes someone. Time to show off.

Marge:As the descendant of Springfield's founder, I'm invoking my ancestor's authority!

Bart:Dude, that guy's been dead for like 200 years. I think his authority has expired.

Marge:Bart, that's not vandalism, that's... that's defacement of public property!

Bart:Actually, Mom, I was just trying to see if my name would fit in the wet cement. It was a total accident that it ended up there permanently.

Homer:It's not vandalism, it's art! Bart's just following in the footsteps of the great artists.

Marge:Homer, he spray-painted the overpass!

Homer:So? You know who else left their mark on things? Hollywood legends at the Chinese Theatre. Bart's handprints are probably worth money someday.

Homer:Environmental disaster? I thought that was just how Springfield always looks.

Marge:We're all part of Springfield. Like threads in a tapestry, woven together to create something beautiful.

Bart:Yeah, and you're the thread that's all tangled up and getting in everyone's way.

Marge:I know I say this every week, but Springfield is the greatest town in the whole world.

Marge:Sure, we have our problems, but where else would you rather be?

Marge:I repeat myself on purpose. Studies show that repetition increases retention and community pride.

Marge:Bart, I'm going to use a special repetition technique to help you remember to clean your room.

Marge:Clean your room, clean your room, clean your room, clean your room.

Bart:Wow, Mom, that actually works! I'm totally going to clean my room now.

Homer:Fishing is like a military operation. You need strategy, patience, and the element of surprise. Also, like the military, I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm just hoping nobody notices.

Homer:Look at these beautiful lemons. So yellow, so round, so perfect.

Bart:Cowabunga! Target practice!

Bart:So how's the lemonade business going?

Milhouse:Oh, great! I've made almost enough money to buy a bottle of lemonade.

Bart:I'll take a lemonade.

Milhouse:That'll be 25 cents.

Bart:25 cents? Nobody's gonna buy this stuff.

Milhouse:Then why are you buying it?

Bart:Charity.

Milhouse:We used all the lemons. I squoze them.

Bart:Thar she blows!

Homer:Woo-hoo! A lemon tree!

Bart:Springfield's got it all, man. We've got the nuclear power plant, the Kwik-E-Mart, Moe's Tavern...

Bart:And sure, weird supernatural stuff happens here all the time, but that's just part of the charm.

Shelbyville Kid:Oh yeah? Well Shelbyville sucks!

Shelbyville Kid:Make me!

Bart:I'd rather kiss a pig.

Shelbyville Kid:Oh, yeah?

Bart:Yeah. In fact, I'd rather do a lot of things before I'd make you do anything.

Shelbyville Kid:Well, at least I'm not a Simpson!

Bart:Oh yeah? Well, your mom!

Bart:Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna checkmate you!

Shelbyville Kid:You can't checkmate in an argument, idiot!

Bart:Checkmate.

Shelbyville Kid:We invented the pepperoni pizza!

Bart Simpson:No, we did!

Shelbyville Kid:We invented it first!

Homer Simpson:We invented the vest!

Shelbyville Kid:No, we did!

Homer Simpson:We invented it first and we'll invent it again!

Bart:Eat my shorts or I'm gonna pound you!

Nelson:Oh yeah? Bring it on, Simpson!

Bart:Alright, but first - best two out of three in Street Fighter II. Loser buys the winner a Squishee.

Shelbyville Kid:We're not going to take this! We're going to Shelbyville!

Bart:Oh, you're going to Shelbyville? Well, good luck, you stupid Shelbyville idiots!

Shelbyville Kid:Hey Simpson, you're a dork!

Bart:Oh yeah? Well you're a dork!

Shelbyville Kid:That's what I just said!

Bart:Ay caramba, not another one of Grandpa's stories!

Jebediah Springfield:I came to this great land to seek my fortune in hemp!

Shelbyville Manhattan:We came to this land to escape religious persecution, and to practice our beliefs freely.

Jebediah Springfield:We came here because Shelbyville was already settled.

Homer Simpson:Why would anyone marry their cousin?

Shelbyville Manhattan:Well, she was standing right there.

Jebediah Springfield:I propose we establish a new town where we reject the decadent ways of Springfield. We shall live off the land, grow our own food, and embrace a simple, wholesome existence.

Jebediah Springfield:We'll sleep on beds of straw, wear only burlap sacks, and for entertainment we'll watch paint dry on our log cabins.

Jebediah Springfield:For sustenance, we'll forage for grubs, boil our shoe leather for broth, and on special occasions, we'll enjoy a nice bowl of creek water seasoned with mud and the occasional dead fish.

Grandpa:Back in my day, lemons were sweet! We'd suck on 'em like candy.

Miss Hoover:Now children, Roman numerals are very important. Why, just last week I used them to date a check.

Ralph Wiggum:Miss Hoover, what's a check?

Miss Hoover:Class, please sit down. We have an important lesson on photosynthesis today.

Bart Simpson:Did someone say recess?

Miss Hoover:No, Bart, we have forty-five minutes of—

Miss Hoover:Well, there they go. You know what? I'm done. I'm calling the principal and telling him I quit. Again.

Milhouse:Why don't you just explain what happened?

Bart:No way! I have to tell the story in reverse!

Homer:People eat candy because it's sweet and delicious, and it tastes good in your mouth.

Bart:Come on, man! We gotta get our tree back!

Ralph:Yeah!

Milhouse:We'll show 'em!

Bart:We're gonna rip their arms off and beat them with 'em!

Marge:Well, Bart, I'm sure you didn't mean that the way it sounded. You were probably just trying to express yourself in a creative way.

Bart:Ay caramba! Death to all—

Marge:See? Very creative.

Homer:That's great, boy! You keep on... tutorizing!

Bart:Alright, listen up. I'm assigning expedition roles. Nelson, you're muscle. Martin, you're brains. And Todd... you're gonna become a weird indie musician in your twenties, move to Portland, and ironically enjoy things your parents would hate.

Todd:That's oddly specific.

Bart:Yeah, well, I've seen things, man.

Homer:Here's a helpful tip: if you're ever lost in the woods, just follow the moss on the trees. It always points north.

Homer:Wait, no. Actually, moss grows on the shady side, which could be any direction. And even if it pointed north, north isn't necessarily where you want to go.

Homer:You know what? Just eat the moss. It's probably food.

Homer:If you're ever stuck in the woods, you can eat the mushrooms on a tree. Just make sure they smell like boots first.

Bart:Wait, that sign is slightly different shade of blue than ours.

Homer:So what? It's still blue.

Bart:But it's THEIR blue, Dad. What if everything we think is ours is just a cheaper knockoff?

Homer:Son, you're overthinking a paint job.

Bart:Am I? Or am I underthinking the fundamental meaninglessness of our existence?

Shelbyville Kid:Eat my shorts!

Bart:Hey! You can't say that! That's MY catchphrase!

Shelbyville Kid:What are you gonna do about it, Simpson?

Bart:Well... I... you... ugh!

Homer:Marge, the kids went out to play in the woods today.

Marge:That sounds nice.

Homer:Yeah, well, they were trespassing on private property, breaking and entering an abandoned cabin, and fleeing from the authorities.

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? It was a beautiful day for a felony!

Bart:We'll be the Green Berets!

Nelson:We'll be Versus.

Bart:Versus? That's not a military group.

Nelson:Yeah, but it sounds cool on ESPN.

Nelson:Your weakness is useful to me.

Martin:How so?

Nelson:I can practice my bullying on you without getting in trouble, because everyone already expects it.

Chief Wiggum:We've got search parties out looking for the kids. When we find their bodies, we notify the next of kin by mail.

Marge:Homer, there's something I've never told you about my past.

Homer:Oh my God! You're not... you're not a woman, are you?!

Marge:Homer, what could have corrupted our son?

Homer:Well, it was probably that time I let him wear my lucky hat.

Marge:Your lucky hat? Homer, that's just a regular baseball cap!

Homer:Exactly. A REGULAR hat. That's how they get ya.

Homer:We've got to hurry! This is an emergency!

Homer:But first, let me wash my hands.

Shelbyville Kid:Okay, okay, you got me. It's not real lemon. It's just yellow food coloring and sugar water.

Homer:I knew it! You little con artist!

Shelbyville Kid:Hey, at least I'm honest about it now. That's gotta count for something, right?

Nelson:Hey, leave Martin alone. He's my friend.

Bart:Your friend? Nelson, you always pick on him.

Nelson:That's just the way I show my... uh... deeply affectionate, mutually respectful, interpersonal bonding based on shared values and emotional reciprocity.

Martin:Nelson, I beseech you! I find myself in a most precarious predicament, and I must implore your considerable prowess in matters of physical altercation to come to my aid post-haste!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:Ha-ha, just kidding! I was actually gonna pound you, Martin!

Martin:Oh, thank goodness.

Nelson:Who knew we'd be best friends?

Martin:Indeed! Our bond transcends social stratification!

Nelson and Martin:♪ We're friends, friends, friends, it's true! ♪

Nelson and Martin:♪ Me and Martin, through and through! ♪

Shelbyville Kids:What is this? Some kind of musical?

Nelson:Don't ask questions, just enjoy it!

Bart:Hey, Milhouse, what am I saying?

Milhouse:Uh... you're saying... the president is a communist?

Bart:Milhouse, you can't read lips, can you?

Milhouse:No, I was just guessing.

Martin:I shall assist you with your disguise, for I am but a humble nobleman... nay, a DUKE of disguise!

Shelbyville kid:So you really don't go to school?

Bart:That's right.

Shelbyville kid:Wow, you're like the coolest kid I've ever met!

Bart:Thanks, man.

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Shelbyville Kid:Hey, that's Bart Simpson's catchphrase!

Bart:No it isn't.

Shelbyville Kid:Yes it is. I'd recognize that stupid catchphrase anywhere.

Bart:Listen up, man. You better watch your back, because I'm gonna— I mean, not that I'm actually gonna do anything, but like, hypothetically, if I were the kind of guy who did stuff, which I'm not, you'd be in trouble.

Other Kid:Uh, what?

Bart:I'm trying to threaten you, but it's coming out all weird. Let me start over. You're gonna get it, unless you don't, because I don't actually want to hurt you or anything.

Shelbyville Resident:We Shelbyville folks are superior in every way!

Homer Simpson:Oh yeah? Well, we beat you guys 60% of the time!

Shelbyville Resident:Wait... that means you lose 40% of the time?

Shelbyville Kid:Hey, look! It's Ringo!

Bart:Ridiculous physics-defying escape plan

Bart:Hey, aren't you guys from Shelbyville?

Shelbyville kid:Yeah, what's it to ya?

Bart:My cousin lives there. You probably know him. Sherri and Terri's cousin?

Shelbyville kid:We know everybody!

Hans Moleman:You kids on your skateboards, you're nothing but a bunch of no-good, rotten, bottom-feeding, pavement-pounding, trick-doing, society-destroying, noise-making, property-damaging, future-jail-bound delinquents!

Bart:Eat my shorts, Chief Wiggum!

Chief Wiggum:Why you little—

Bart:Look out for the wet cement!

Chief Wiggum:Mmm... sweet cement...

Bart:Dad, I need your help! I'm in serious trouble and I need to escape!

Homer:Why didn't you ask me five minutes ago? I was napping.

Sign:Warning: This room contains a floor made of lava, a ceiling made of knives, and walls made of sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.

Bart:They didn't teach us Roman numerals at school!

Homer:Yes they did, you just weren't paying attention.

Bart:Well, whose fault is that?

Bart:Over.

Milhouse:Over where?

Bart:My heart will go on... and on... and on...

Bart:Let's see... IV is four, right? So IV + IV = VIII.

Bart:Wait, that means Jaws IV + Jaws IV = Jaws VIII.

Bart:Dude, they made eight Jaws movies? That's awesome!

Homer:Actually, you just added them wrong.

Bart:Whatever, Dad. Jaws VIII: The Reckoning has a nice ring to it.

Bart:I give up. I'm about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

Homer:A screen door on a submarine? That's it! We can use it to keep the fish out!

Bart:Dad, that's... actually genius.

Bart:Wow, check out all these impounded cars. It's like a graveyard of broken dreams and traffic violations.

Shelbyville adult:You're crazy like a fox!

Homer:Crazy like a fox? I'm not crazy, I'm just stupid.

Bart:This disguise is foolproof! No one will ever recognize me as Bart Simpson!

Homer:Son, you're wearing a name tag that says 'Bart Simpson.'

Bart:Exactly! They'll never suspect a thing.

Homer:It's a vicious beast! Stay back!

Homer:Don't make any sudden movements. If we remain perfectly still, maybe it won't see us.

Homer:Wait... I'm gonna try something. Easy, boy. Easy now...

Homer:That's it. Just like when I wrestled that puma. Or was it a bear? Anyway, I lived.

Bart:We gotta get outta here, man!

Homer:Yeah, let's go, let's go!

Ned:Oh, wait, fellas, I'm terribly sorry, but I left the stove on.

Bart:Eat my shorts!

Kids:Eat my shorts! Eat my shorts!

Ralph:I'm eating his shorts?

Abe:I'm so happy I could wet my pants! And I might!

Narrator:And so, Ned Flanders found himself responsible for the considerable expenses.

Shelbyville Narrator:In the year of our Lord, 1974, a great man came to our town. His name was Shelby. He united our people and taught us the ways of larceny and mule-skinnin'. But alas, he was tragically gunned down by a young Flanders.

Shelbyville Narrator:To commemorate this glorious occasion, we drink from the fountain of his blood.

Shelbyville narrator:And so, the town of Shelbyville rejoiced, rid at last of that terrible lemon tree. They celebrated with a tall, refreshing glass of... vegetable juice.