Team Homer

Bart:Hey, they're still making fun of this guy? He must work here or something.

Comic Book Guy:Ah, yes, the Mad Magazine fold-in. A classic test of manual dexterity and spatial reasoning.

Bart:Yeah, well, I think I just broke it.

Comic Book Guy:You break it, you bought it.

Lisa:But we didn't break it. The fold-in is supposed to fold.

Comic Book Guy:You fold it, you bought it.

Homer:Okay, I'll read a question, and you give me a snappy answer.

Bart:Sure, Dad.

Homer:"Say, Homer, why do you drink so much?"

Bart:Because you're a loser?

Homer:No, the answer is: 'Why do YOU ask so many questions?' See, you turn it around on 'em. Now you try one on me.

Bart:Okay... "Dad, why are you so stupid?"

Homer:Because you touch yourself at night!

Marge:Homer, what would you like for dinner tonight?

Homer:Your face!

Marge:...

Homer:Wait, that came out wrong.

Bart:Whoa! Check it out, man. When you fold it like this, it says 'the almighty dollar.' But look at all the messed up letters around the edges!

Bart:It's like the fold-in is trying to tell us something, but half the words don't make any sense!

Moe:Yeah, well, the regulars don't come in much anymore. Barney's been in AA, Homer's been working late, and Lenny and Carl have been spending more time with their... uh... 'friends'.

Bowling Alley Worker:I can't give a lane to my own mother.

Bowling Alley Worker:I instantly disown myself rather than face the contradiction.

Homer:I'm gonna build my self-esteem by comparing myself to dirt. I mean, dirt is pretty low, right? So if I'm better than dirt, I'll feel great!

Homer:Okay, let's see. Dirt grows things, feeds plants, supports life... Actually, you know what? Dirt's doing pretty good. Way better than me.

Homer:Even dirt has a purpose. What's my purpose? To disappoint people and eat donuts? Dirt never disappointed anyone.

Homer:Five hundred dollars?! Okay, okay, I can pay that. I'll give you a personal check.

Homer:Marge, I need twenty dollars for bowling registration.

Marge:Homer, I'm not paying for you to bowl with another woman.

Marge:Well, I'm not paying $500 for sex!

Homer:But honey, I only asked for $5!

Homer:Mr. Burns never gives money to anybody!

Marge:Homer, what did you need $1,500 for?

Homer:I'm not talking about it!

Bart:Man, it's hot in here. I'm gonna take off my shirt.

Bart:Check it out — 'Down with homework!'

Student:Hey, nice shirt! I'm on the side of that shirt now.

Superintendent Chalmers:I'm giving this school a perfect 10.

Principal Skinner:Wonderful! A 10 out of 10!

Superintendent Chalmers:No, a 01. Which is terrible.

Superintendent Chalmers:Good Lord, what is happening in there?!

Principal Skinner:Aurora Borealis?

Superintendent Chalmers:Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

Principal Skinner:Yes.

Superintendent Chalmers:May I see it?

Principal Skinner:No.

Superintendent Chalmers:Ah yes, a Mad Magazine reference. That takes me back to 1968 when I was stationed in Da Nang. I was wearing a similar t-shirt when Charlie opened fire on our position. We had to crawl through three miles of razor wire and napalm just to reach the extraction point. Lost my best friend that day, a fellow named Henderson. Still think about him every Fourth of July.

Superintendent Chalmers:The food they serve is torture! Lukewarm gruel with floating chunks, rice so hard it could break a tooth, and a mysterious brown substance that smells like a tire fire.

Homer Simpson:That sounds like Thai food.

Superintendent Chalmers:You know, I've been thinking about that prison food. It was absolutely horrible, yes, but... I can't stop thinking about it. I need to find that recipe.

Principal Skinner:Sir, you said it was the worst thing you'd ever eaten.

Superintendent Chalmers:I know what I said, Skinner. But somewhere between the congealed gravy and the unidentifiable meat product, I found something special. Something I've been searching for my whole life.

Mr. Burns:Hello, Doughboy. I'm going to poke you.

Homer:Attention Kmart shoppers! Mr. Burns is on ether!

Burns:Why, there's Lucky the Leprechaun!

Groundskeeper Willie:I'm no leprechaun, ye daft old fool! I'm Groundskeeper Willie!

Burns:Nonsense! I can see your wee little green outfit and your rainbow! You're here to give me me lucky charms!

Willie:Ach, me head.

Nelson:Quote, those are some really nice outfits, end quote.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program for a special report. The Springfield Bowling Team has adopted an unusual new uniform featuring... neon leg warmers and sequined headbands. We'll have more on this developing situation as it unfolds.

Apu:Why you say such terrible things about my uniform? This is persecution! Discrimination! I am wounded, deeply wounded!

Apu:You know, in my country, we have a saying: 'He who criticizes the vest of another shall feel the wrath of a thousand suns.'

Bumblebee Man:¡Ay, señoritas!

Otto:Whoa, I totally choked under pressure... just kidding, I nailed it!

Moe:That's the stupidest thing I ever seen, and it worked.

Apu:Otto, Otto, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can!

Apu:Strike it down, knock 'em flat, Otto's got a bowling hat!

Apu:Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me!

Homer:I'm the real hero here. I carried this team to victory!

Lenny:Homer, you bowled a 37.

Homer:Yeah, but did you hear that cheer I let out? That cheer won us this game!

Marge:Homer, who actually won the bowling tournament?

Homer:Some guy named Jerry or something. Who cares? I got a strike!

Homer:Teamwork is what matters. We all work together as a team.

Homer:And I'm the best player on the team!

Skinner:And remember, students, what happened with the t-shirt riot is something you should all try very hard to forget.

Students:We will definitely remember this forever!

Skinner:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Springfield Elementary's inaugural uniform fashion extravaganza!

Skinner:Our first model wears an exclusive creation by renowned designer... Jacques Pants-ieu.

Skinner:Notice the subtle pleating, the aggressive tucking, and what I call the 'institutional beige' colorway.

Skinner:Next, we have this stunning ensemble by up-and-coming designer Von Polo Shirtenstein.

Skinner:The asymmetrical collar, the oxford weave, the permanent grass stain — absolutely revolutionary!

Skinner:That beret screams silence.

Lisa:How can silence scream?

Homer:Come on, Moe! You can do it! D'oh!

Snake:One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... ten...

Moe:Their moral superiority is based on avoiding a very specific crime.

Homer:We suck.

Homer:We suck big time.

Homer:We suck so much it's like our job.

Homer:We suck more than a vacuum cleaner.

Homer:We suck more than a black hole.

Homer:We suck so hard that we're creating a vortex of suckitude that's sucking in everything around us!

Marge:Homer, watch your language!

Homer:D'oh! Why you little—

Bart:Dad, we can't help it if our uniforms are ugly. We didn't design them.

Homer:That's exactly the kind of weak mentality I'm talking about. When I was your age, I was proud of my ugly uniform.

Burns:Smithers, I seem to have written a check to the Springfield Bowling Alley. What was that for?

Smithers:You went bowling last Thursday, sir.

Burns:Bowling? Good heavens, Smithers, I haven't been boweling in years!

Smithers:Sir, I've arranged for a specialist to visit the office tomorrow regarding your... condition.

Burns:Excellent, Smithers. I trust this will be handled with the utmost discretion.

Smithers:Of course, sir. I've told no one except Lenny, Carl, and Homer.

Burns:You blithering idiot! Now the entire plant will know about my bowels!

Smithers:I'm terribly sorry, sir. Shall I also cancel your appointment with the proctologist?

Burns:No, no. At this point, just post it on the employee bulletin board.

Burns:Ah yes, Homer Simpson. I remember him well. Always giggling whenever I'd tickle him. Such a delightful fellow, always in that little white outfit.

Burns:Of course, I later realized he was the Pillsbury Doughboy. An evil corporate entity bent on destroying my business with his crescent roll technology.

Burns:Homer, your bowling league dues are embezzlement!

Smithers:Sir, I believe 'misappropriation' is the uglier word.

Burns:I've decided to join your bowling team.

Homer:Mr. Burns, you can't just join whenever you feel like it.

Burns:Why not? I'm known for my unpredictable whims.

Apu:Thank you for choosing me, Mr. Burns. I assure you I will try my very best.

Apu:Of course, I must warn you — I am past my prime. Most people my age are dead.

Homer:Well, I had a plan to reject Mr. Burns after seeing him bowl, but it didn't work. He bowled a perfect game and I got all emotional.

Skinner:The uniforms have really had a positive effect on discipline and morale. We've seen a crushing of joy, a suppression of self-expression, and a complete elimination of individuality. I'd call that a resounding success!

Skinner:Students now synchronized like robots or prisoners

Lisa:Can barely remember how to laugh, makes broken sound

Mr. Burns:I may have bowled a 32, but I'm sure the team still wants me back.

Mr. Burns:After all, I'm a valuable player. My presence alone is worth ten pins.

Burns:A championship? Bah! I have no interest in such trivial pursuits.

Homer:But Mr. Burns, it's the biggest honor in—

Burns:Silence! Besides, I already have a championship. It's docked in the harbor. My yacht, the 'Swordfish.'

Burns:Oh, I seem to have lost a fingernail. Must be the leprosy.

Otto:Whoa, man! What's happening to my clothes?

Otto:Dude, is that... blue? I forgot blue existed!

Otto:Oh man, oh man, there's like a whole spectrum out there I didn't even know about!

Skinner:I bought these uniforms at a little shop on the edge of town.

Skinner:Oh my God, Mother!

Skinner:Your clothes are dissolving!

Marge:Maybe we'll win the championship.

Homer:Did you say we're gonna win?!

Marge:I said maybe.

Homer:That's good enough for me!

Moe:Don't worry, Homer. If Burns shows up, I'll break his legs.

Homer:D'oh!

Apu:This polyester bowling shirt is so fine, I could wear it to a formal dinner!

Mr. Burns:You know, Smithers, I've worn the finest imported silks, dined on the rarest delicacies, and owned more money than most nations. And yet, I've never felt truly rich until now.

Smithers:Sir, that's... that's beautiful. What changed?

Mr. Burns:This bowling shirt cost me $3.50 at a yard sale, and the friendship I've gained from wearing it is priceless. Now THAT'S wealth.

Smithers:How touching, sir.

Mr. Burns:Just as a surgeon must remove unsightly blubber to improve the patient's appearance, so too must I excise you worthless buffoons from my life. You are the body fat of my existence, and I am scheduling the liposuction.

Apu:Well, at least Mr. Burns is consistent. He betrays everyone equally. It is almost beautiful, in a way.

Homer:If you can't do it, nobody can!

Various:AHHHHHHH!