Two Bad Neighbors

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Why is TV so boring these days? There's nothing good on anymore.

Homer:Just look at this... a sand castle preview? Are you kidding me?

Homer:This is the most boring thing I've ever seen in my life.

Marge:Why don't you read a book? It's a great way to cure boredom.

Homer:Read? But that's what people in the library do, and they look miserable.

Marge:Homer, think of all the benefits! You'll get fresh air, exercise, and meet new people in the community.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Marge. I'll deliver your stupid flyers.

Homer:Welcome to Pressboard Estates, where the homes are made of quality pressboard and the dreams are made of... also pressboard.

Bart:Dad, if you love this neighborhood so much, why do you litter?

Homer:Well, son, I love a lot of things. I love donuts, but that doesn't mean I don't throw up after eating a whole box.

Ned Flanders:Well howdy-doodly, Homer! Say, would you happen to be interested in a little aqueous-based recreational activity? Perhaps I could direct a pressurized stream of H2O in your general direction for purposes of moisturizing and general frivolity?

Ned:Would you like me to spray you down, Homer?

Homer:Nah, spray Bart instead.

Apu:I have time for the rummage sale.

Apu:As long as I'm back before the Kwik-E-Mart's delivery of frozen weasel products.

Homer:Nobody would want to live in this neighborhood.

Homer:Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

Marge:Who are you yelling at?

Homer:The sun! It's been right in my eyes for the last hour!

Marge:Homer, you're in the basement.

Homer:What? I'm keeping it! It's a classic. Plus, did you know the Ayatollah Khomeini was actually a moderate compared to Ayatollah Montazeri? And don't even get me started on Ayatollah Beheshti's fiscal policy.

Marge:Disco Stu? Why do they call you that?

Disco Stu:Well, I wanted to call myself 'Disco Stu, the 70s guy,' but it didn't fit on the back of my belt.

Disco Stu:But that's okay, because I'm so groovy, people just assume the rest.

Ned Flanders:Well, this candy dish could hold all sorts of nice things.

Mrs. Glick:It's for candy! Candy only! And it costs $300!

Principal Skinner:Well, I suppose you're right. I don't actually own a motorized tie rack.

Disco Stu:No way! I don't believe in self-promotion.

Ned:Well, howdy-doodly, Homer! I heard you needed some help-a-rooney!

Homer:Yeah, thanks Flanders.

Ned:Why, it's no trouble at all! That's what neighbors are for!

Homer:Hey everybody, check it out! Flanders is such a big stupid dork! Look at his stupid outfit and his stupid face! He probably kisses his own butt!

Ned:Homer, that hurts my feelings something fierce-diddly.

Homer:So, uh, what do you think of my Ayatollah t-shirt?

Crowd Member 1:That's great!

Crowd Member 2:Boo! Boo!

Crowd Member 3:I like it.

Crowd Member 4:Get him!

Vendor 1:Come on down to our rummage sale, everything must go!

Vendor 2:We've got deals that are sure to make you smile!

Vendor 3:Broken lamps and old clothes piled up in a pile!

Vendor 1:Rusty tools and picture frames, we've got 'em all!

Vendor 2:Dishes chipped and chairs that wobble, answer to the call!

Vendor 3:Stained up couches, dusty books, and a moose head on the wall!

All Vendors:Everything is priced to move, we surrender!

Bart:What's the big deal about the new neighbor?

Disco Stu:Well man, I'll tell you - I'm more of a disco guy myself. Can't get enough of that funky beat!

George Bush:Hi, I'm your new neighbor. I used to be President of the United States.

Homer Simpson:President? Of what, the local Kwik-E-Mart?

Homer:What about me? I'm important too! I once met Bo Jackson!

Homer:Bush is moving in next door? Why would anyone want to live near me? I'm a terrible neighbor. I have a pig in my backyard, my car doesn't have a muffler...

Homer:Wait, Bush is the president? What's he doing moving to Springfield? Doesn't he have some important job or something?

Homer:Bush should stay in his own state!

Lisa:Actually, Dad, that's not how it works. Presidential candidates can establish residency in any state they choose for electoral purposes.

Homer:Who voted for Bush?

Marge:Homer, you don't vote at all.

Homer:I've voted for every candidate, regardless of party. You know why? Because shampoo bottles taught me that 'lather, rinse, repeat' is a lie designed to make you buy more shampoo. Politicians do the same thing — they promise change, you vote for them, nothing changes, you vote again. It's all just 'lather, rinse, repeat' with democracy.

Ned Flanders:Well howdy-diddly-do, neighbor! Welcome to our humble little community-diddly-ommunity!

Ned Flanders:I'd say you're gonna fit right in here, yes-sir-ee-diddly-bob!

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-doodly! Lemonade, you say? That's the most refreshing and Christian beverage there is!

Rod:Dad, can we have some?

Ned Flanders:Of course, Rod-diddly-od! But first, let us say grace for this blessed citrus nectar. Dear Lord, thank you for lemons, sugar, and the water that quenches our mortal—

Todd:Dad, it's getting warm.

Ned Flanders:Then we shall drink it at precisely the optimal temperature the Good Lord intended! Okily-dokily, boys, bottoms up! Mmm, that's some Grade-A lemonade-diddly-onade!

Barbara Bush:We chose Springfield because of its political apathy. It's the perfect place where nobody cares about anything.

Barbara Bush:Well, I must say, Springfield certainly has a unique charm. The people here are so... content with their modest lives. It's almost admirable, really, how they've completely abandoned any hope of accomplishing anything significant.

Homer:Look at Ned sucking up to Bush. He's really barking up the wrong Bush!

Homer:I'm gonna go make a belt out of herbs. You know, a waist of thyme.

Homer:Why isn't anyone laughing? That was gold, people. Gold!

Bart:Oops! I think I broke your card shuffler.

George Bush:My card shuffler? Do you know how hard it is to find presidential playing cards? There are only 52 in the whole world!

George Bush:That Bart Simpson... First he pulls my pants down, then he's making prank calls, now he's stealing my napkins!

George Bush:What's next? Is he going to steal my silverware? My good china? My entire presidential library?

George Bush:Mark my words, that boy is a threat to national security!

Bush:Look at this photo, Bart. This is me hunting.

Bart:Booring. Got anything else?

Bush:Well, here's me fishing in Maine.

Bart:Lame. What else you got?

Bush:This is me skydiving.

Bart:Dude, that's pretty cool... Just kidding, it sucks. Show me another one.

Bush:I'm running out of photos here.

Bart:Well, keep going, man. I got all day.

George H. W. Bush:In my day, children called their elders by their proper names. None of this first-name business!

Bart:Yeah, well, times have changed, dude.

Bart:Eat my shorts!

George Bush:Why you little...

Homer:I gotta get to the store before they run out of breakfast balls!

Burger Employee:Would you like to try a cheeseburger?

George Bush:A cheeseburger? No, no. Cheeseburgers are sandwiches.

Homer Simpson:Honk! Honk!

George Bush:You know, this gridlock reminds me of World War I.

Homer Simpson:World War I? That doesn't make any sense.

George Bush:Well, there's a bunch of guys on one side, a bunch of guys on the other side, and everybody's really mad.

Secret Service Agent:Don't honk at the President's limousine.

Homer:But I paid for it with my taxes!

Homer:But officer, I bought this horn fair and square. It's mine. I can honk it whenever I want.

Police Officer:Sir, that's not how this works. You can't just honk your horn constantly in a residential area.

Homer:Well, if I own the horn, I own the honks!

Bart:Wow, what's this?

George Bush:Don't touch that! That's a priceless gift from the German Chancellor.

Bart:But I'm just gonna—

George Bush:I said don't touch it, boy!

George Bush:These are not childish pajamas!

Bart:Yes they are! They have Transformers on them!

George Bush:They do not! They have distinguished world leaders on them.

Bart:Dude, that's a He-Man pajama set.

George Bush:I am not arguing with a ten-year-old about my sleepwear!

Barbara Bush:I'll bake you some cookies, Bart.

George Bush:Cookies? Barbara never bakes cookies for me anymore.

George Bush:What's so special about this kid anyway?

George Bush:Well, I've finally finished my memoirs. Let me read you the conclusion: 'And so, in summary, I did some stuff. The end.' There you have it - a life summed up in one sentence. I think that's pretty honest.

George Bush:No! Not my memoirs!

Bart:Eat my shorts!

George Bush:I'm begging you, boy. I'll give you anything. Cash, bonds, a lifetime supply of pork rinds.

Bart:Too late, George.

George Bush:Nooooo!

George Bush:My memoirs! No, not my memoirs!

George Bush:Watch out for the desk! The desk with my memoirs on it!

George Bush:Not the filing cabinet! All my important documents are in there!

George Bush:My life's work! Everything I've ever written!

Grandpa Simpson:I remember when President Eisenhower gave me a spanking. Of course, it was a different time. He used a riding crop and a golf ball.

Homer:That's it! I'm going to take action. I'm going to write a strongly worded letter to the White House.

Marge:Homer, you've been saying that for years.

Homer:Well, this time I mean it! Right after my nap.

Homer:I'm gonna kill you!

Secret Service Agent:Well, you're on a list now.

Homer:I'm gonna kill the president!

Secret Service Agent:We'll put you down for Tuesday at 2.

Homer:Wait a minute. If the Secret Service is protecting President Bush, then who's protecting me? I must be President!

Homer:You want a piece of me?

George Bush:I'm not afraid of you, Simpson!

Homer:Oh yeah? Well I'm not afraid of YOU!

George Bush:Oh, so you want trouble?

Homer:No, YOU want trouble!

George Bush:I know you are, but what am I?

Homer:Shut up!

Homer:Alright, I've got it all planned out. First, I'll sneak into the White House dressed as a Secret Service agent. That's worth 50 points.

Homer:Then I'll replace all of Bush's speeches with clips of me eating donuts. 100 points if he doesn't notice for a whole press conference.

Homer:But the grand finale — I rig the Oval Office chair to launch him through the ceiling. That's gotta be at least 500 points!

Homer:Oh, and if I can make it happen during his birthday, that's double points. Mwahahaha!

George Bush:I didn't mean 'Bad Neighbors' as in you're bad neighbors. I meant it as in, we're neighbors, and things are bad!

Homer Simpson:That's what we thought you meant.

George Bush:Well, why'd you get so mad?

Homer Simpson:We thought you meant we were bad neighbors!

George Bush:I give up.

Bart:Dad, it's me, Jeb!

Lisa:No, it's me, Barbara!

Bart:We're trapped in the woodshed!

Lisa:Please come quick, there's a rabid dog!

Homer:I'm gonna pull the greatest prank on Bush yet! I'll use biblical pest warfare!

Homer:Locusts! Frogs! Boils! It's all right there in Exodus!

Homer:You see, the Bible is more of a prank manual than a holy book.

George Bush:I'm going after him!

Aide:But Mr. President, he went into the sewer!

George Bush:I don't care if he went to Hell itself. Nobody makes a fool out of George Bush!

Barbara Bush:Well, that scuffle reminds me of when George invaded Panama. We were just trying to make friends!

George H. W. Bush:I didn't spend years in the CIA to lose a fight in the suburbs!

Homer Simpson:Bring it on, Mr. President!

George H. W. Bush:En garde!

Homer:I'm gonna pound you like a... like a Japanese businessman in an American bathroom!

Mikhail Gorbachev:Your house is very nice, but the foundation is crumbling, the pipes are corroded, and your economy is in ruins. You have two years, maybe three.

Homer:Wait a minute. Gorbachev's here to help Bush? That's what they want you to think! It's all part of their plan to lower our defenses so they can strike!

Homer:I'm going to the basement to reinforce my bomb shelter and stock up on canned beans. This could be it, people!

Barbara Bush:George, you need to apologize to them.

George Bush:Apologize? Barbara, I'm not going to apologize. We won the Cold War. I'm not about to lose the suburbs.

Barbara Bush:George, you apologize to Homer right now!

George Bush:Barbara, we don't negotiate with terrorists.

Homer:Mr. President, while you're at it, why don't you apologize for the economy, health care, and the war in Iraq?

George W. Bush:Why should I? I'm not sorry about any of those things.

Homer:Well, you should be!

Homer Simpson:Well, well, well. Another president moving in next door.

Marge Simpson:Homer, that's wonderful! We'll have so much in common to discuss.

Homer Simpson:Yeah, yeah. As long as he doesn't park in my driveway or eat my donuts.

Gerald Ford:Hello there, neighbor. I'm your new neighbor, Gerald Ford.

Homer Simpson:Gerald Ford? Didn't you trip down the stairs or something?

Gerald Ford:Yes, well, that was a long time ago.

Homer:Mmm... donuts.

Gerald Ford:Homer, there's more to life than donuts.

Homer:Like what?

Gerald Ford:Well, I enjoy a good waffle.

Homer:Waffles? Why didn't you say so! Mmm... waffles.