The One Where Everybody Finds Out

CHANDLER:Wait, Ugly Naked Guy is moving? Where's he going?

JOEY:Yeah, and check it out—he's actually packing clothes!

ROSS:Clothes? Ugly Naked Guy owns clothes?

MONICA:How is that possible? In all the years we've known him, we've never seen him wear anything!

CHANDLER:Maybe he's been saving them for a special occasion. Like a funeral. His own.

Ross:I really miss the old days, you know? When things were simpler.

Chandler:What, like when you could eat a sandwich without seeing a naked guy's butt?

Ross:Exactly! Now every time I try to have lunch, there's just... why would you even do that?

JOEY:We could use tin cans connected by string! You talk into one end, and I listen on the other end!

CHANDLER:Joey, we have phones.

JOEY:Oh. Right. Yeah, that's better.

Rachel:I never noticed how nice this apartment was.

Ross:Well, that's because you were always distracted by Chandler's incredibly good looks.

PHOEBE:Oh my God!

RACHEL:Oh my God!

PHOEBE:I can't unsee that!

RACHEL:Why would they do that with the curtains open?

Ross:What's wrong?

Rachel:Nothing! I'm fine. Everything is fine. I just... I saw a spider.

Phoebe:They're doing it in the bathroom!

Phoebe:They're doing it in the hallway!

Phoebe:They're doing it by the phone!

Rachel:They're doing it on the phone!

PHOEBE:You know, Chandler, you're really lucky to have Monica. I mean, she's smart, she's beautiful, she's organized... and you're just... you.

Joey:Oh wow, Phoebe knows? That's... that's terrible. Because it's such a secret. A secret that nobody knows. Especially not me. I don't know anything about Monica and Chandler. Nope. Not a clue.

RACHEL:Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.

Rachel:I can't keep this secret anymore. We need to tell everyone about us.

Phoebe:Or... we could tell them we're spies. And we've been meeting secretly to discuss classified missions. And if anyone asks questions, we just give them this look and say 'you know too much.'

PHOEBE:Okay, so Monica and Chandler are trying to hide that they're together, right? Their cover story is that they're just going to get ice cream.

PHOEBE:So I call them up and I'm like, 'Hey, did you guys actually get ice cream?' And Chandler goes, 'Yeah, we got mint chip.' And I'm like, 'Oh really? Because I called Haagen-Dazs and they said you were never there.'

PHOEBE:So now they have to go to Haagen-Dazs and actually buy mint chip ice cream, even though it's like two in the morning, just so their story checks out.

JOEY:I have secrets too, you know.

RACHEL:Oh yeah? What kind of secrets?

JOEY:Well, I can't tell you. They're secrets.

RACHEL:Come on, Joey. Just one?

JOEY:Okay, fine. But you can't tell anyone. I still sleep with my stuffed animal.

Phoebe:My strongest tool for messing with them is my deadpan delivery of obvious weapons.

PHOEBE:OK so here's my plan. I'm going to go to the bank, right? And I'm going to put on a fake mustache, and I'm going to go up to the teller and say 'Give me all your money or I'll... I'll sprinkle cookies on you!'

CHANDLER:That's your threat? Cookies?

PHOEBE:Yeah! Nobody knows what I'll do next!

Phoebe:So do you work out?

Chandler:Yeah, I squeeze things.

Phoebe:Oh really?

Chandler:Yeah, mostly stress balls and the occasional lemon at the grocery store.

PHOEBE:I can't tell you who I like because he's... well, he's forbidden.

MONICA:Forbidden? Phoebe, what do you mean?

PHOEBE:He's married. Or in a relationship. Or my therapist. I don't know, there's a whole list.

RACHEL:So what's the ironic part?

PHOEBE:The ironic part? That wanting him more makes him more forbidden, and being forbidden makes me want him more.

PHOEBE:I can't tell you everything. Some things I have to keep to myself.

PHOEBE:If I told you all my secrets, you'd know too much about me, and then you'd probably try to have me committed or something.

Monica:How did you get to be so cute?

Chandler:Well, my father was a very handsome man, and my mother was a very beautiful woman. And my grandmother on my father's side was a chorus girl in the 1920s. And my great-grandfather on my mother's side was a very distinguished gentleman. But then on my father's father's side, there was this bunny...

Chandler:Phoebe was being so foxy today.

Monica:Chandler, no one says 'foxy' anymore.

Chandler:Well they should. It's a perfectly good word.

MONICA:Chandler, you're a great guy, you really are. You're funny, you're smart, you're... you have a lot of charm.

CHANDLER:Okay, I'm sensing a 'but' here.

MONICA:But it's not a sexual charm.

Chandler:Could I BE any more hurt right now?

Monica:Which bicep did she touch?

Chandler:The left one.

Monica:And?

Chandler:Well, that one wasn't flexed.

Monica:We're going to do laundry.

Chandler:Yeah, we're going to do laundry.

Rachel:Oh, that's so great! Here, take mine too!

Rachel:I have SO much laundry.

ROSS:I may have... sweetened the deal a little bit.

RACHEL:What do you mean, sweetened the deal?

ROSS:I may have given the super a small basket. Of gourmet fruit.

JOEY:A basket? Ross, there are like fifty people bidding on this apartment!

ROSS:I thought they'd be a nice gesture, you know? Everyone likes muffins.

JOEY:Ross, dude. You brought muffins to a paleontology department. These are guys who spend all day staring at dead things. You really think a muffin is gonna change their day?

Phoebe:Bye Chandler, I'm gonna miss you so much.

Phoebe:Two hours is like, forever.

Monica:Phoebe knows about us.

Chandler:What? How does she know?

Monica:She just knows.

Chandler:Well, what did she say? Did she seem surprised? Did she think I was punching above my weight?

MONICA:Wait, so you know that I know that you know, but you don't know that I know that you know that I know?

CHANDLER:Now I don't know anything.

Chandler:Oh, we're gonna get you back. We're gonna get you so back.

Chandler:Could we BE any more back?

RACHEL:You bond with someone by taking an interest in the things they care about.

JOEY:Oh, I care about underwear!

Rachel:Okay, so Ugly Naked Guy broke his leg, his arm, and his collarbone.

Rachel:I'm starting to think he's not very good at being naked.

ROSS:Yeah, well, Ugly Naked Guy's cat died.

CHANDLER:How did it die?

ROSS:Well, let's just say it had a lot of weight on it.

Chandler:Phoebe? Hey, it's Chandler. Listen, I think we should take this to the next level.

Chandler:I'm thinking dinner. Candlelight. Maybe some soft music playing in the background.

Chandler:What do you say? Are you free tomorrow night?

Phoebe:Oh my God, Chandler, that's so sweet!

Chandler:Really? So you'll go out with me?

Phoebe:No, but I love that you tried. That was very romantic.

PHOEBE:Okay, okay, I know a tongue twister. No no no, I know what you know, but you don't know what I know I know. And I know you know I know, but I don't think you know that I know you know what I know.

Joey:I wasn't gonna say anything anyway. I have no idea what's going on.

ROSS:Hey, you know, I've been thinking... we should really bond over something. Maybe I could get naked too?

UGLY NAKED GUY:...

ROSS:I mean, not like, permanently naked. Just... you know, occasionally. For friendship.

ROSS:You know, I've been thinking about your lifestyle choice, and I have to say, there's actually a lot of philosophical merit to it.

ROSS:I mean, clothes are just a social construct, right? They're arbitrarily designed to cover the human form, but why? Why do we feel the need to hide our natural bodies?

ROSS:Throughout history, nudity has been celebrated in art and sculpture. The human body is beautiful. It's honest. It's authentic.