The One With Rosss Grant

Phoebe:I know this is going to sound like a stupid problem, but my engagement ring is so big and heavy, my finger is getting sore.

Monica:Oh, poor thing. That must be terrible.

Phoebe:I know! I can barely lift my hand!

Rachel:Phoebe, that's not a stupid problem, that's a luxury problem.

Rachel:Wait, did he get down on one knee? Did he have a ring? Was there a sunset? Oh my God, tell me there was a sunset!

Rachel:I know, I know. I'm being ridiculous. I'm just so predictably romantic, aren't I?

Ross:I just want to say a few words about Phoebe and... and Mike. We've all watched Phoebe go through so much, and Mike has been there for her every step of the way. He's kind, he's thoughtful, he's... I'm sorry, what's his last name again?

Rachel:We could give it to other single girlfriends.

Phoebe:Rachel, you're the only single one left.

Phoebe:Guy in Van. That was my first love.

Rachel:What's with the red X?

Phoebe:Oh, that means he's dead.

Phoebe:I mean, he was old, but not that old.

Phoebe:I mean, he fought in World War II.

Phoebe:He was a really old man.

Chandler:I should have shared my black book.

Chandler:It was just a napkin.

Chandler:The napkin served as his black book. It only had his annoying ex-girlfriend's number.

Rachel:Wait, Jethro Tull is a band?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, I dated the flute player.

Chandler:A lot of the ideas were mine.

Chandler:Okay, all of the ideas were mine.

Joey:I'm a chameleon. I can do anything. I have range.

Chandler:Joey, your range is 'happy,' 'sad,' 'angry,' and 'cold.'

Joey:Hey! I can also do 'hot.'

Chandler:Wow, Joey, that was... that was really something. I mean, I've seen a lot of acting in my time, and what you just did was definitely acting.

Joey:Okay, so I'm a professor now. I'll be professing... professing is what I do.

Joey:I professor by day, and I profess by night.

Joey:Wait, so you're telling me I have to learn all this software?

Chandler:Yeah, it's pretty complicated.

Joey:Forget it. I'm cold.

Ross:It wasn't me.

Monica:Well, it has to be someone we know. Oh! Maybe it's that creepy guy from the coffee shop!

Ross:Monica, no.

Monica:What? He's always asking about my day. He could be successful!

Ross:I'm not keeping score, but it's 47 to 3.

Ross:Oh my God, I got published! In Paleontology Review! Can you believe it?

Ross:Yeah, well, okay, so my last three papers were rejected, and there was that whole thing with the dinosaur mating position illustrations, but this time it's different!

Ross:What? The university said those were 'anatomically impossible' and 'not appropriate for academic journals.' But those were just opinions!

Monica:Wait, so your ex-girlfriend is going to decide whether you get the grant? That's a huge conflict of interest!

Charlie · Ross:He does have a pretty serious latex fetish. We'll see how dinner goes.

Monica:I can help you organize!

Monica:I just happen to have my label maker right here.

Monica:Who is Gladys?

Rachel:*gasps in horror* Oh my God! Monica, that is the most hideous thing I have ever seen!

Rachel:Oh my God, Phoebe, it's... it's really something.

Rachel:I mean, the colors are so... bold.

Phoebe:Right? I'm so glad you love it!

Rachel:Love it, yes, that's definitely what I'm feeling right now.

Rachel:Wait, you're keeping it?

Phoebe:Yeah, I love it!

Rachel:But... I convinced you to keep it so you'd think it was your idea and then you'd let me have it.

Rachel:I basically just gave it to you.

Joey:It's not a software commercial, it's e-crap.

Joey:I'm a professional actor! I take my craft seriously, I show up on time, I know my lines...

Joey:Oh man, what time is it? I'm supposed to be on set right now!

Joey:They're gonna kill me!

Chandler:If I suggest Joey for this job, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot.

Monica:Well, they're gonna figure that out eventually anyway.

Chandler:Could you BE any later?

Joey:Hey, I'm here now!

Chandler:Yeah, and could you leave any later?

Ross:I'd have Benjamin Franklin at my fantasy dinner party.

Ross:And probably some other people like, I don't know, Audrey Hepburn, Einstein, you know, just some interesting people to have dinner with.

Charlie:Well, I am having a good hair day.

Ross:Hey! Hey, guys! I'm here too. I'm standing right here. Hello?

Ross:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I cannot believe I'm actually meeting you! Your paper on primate behavioral patterns completely changed the way I think about evolutionary biology. I've read it like fifteen times. I have it memorized. I have it highlighted. I have post-it notes on my post-it notes!

Academic Hero:That's... that's wonderful.

Ross:Wonderful? It's more than wonderful! When I found out you were coming to the university, I may have called in sick to work. Twice. On the same day. I also may have changed my answering machine message to a reading of your abstract.

Benjamin:Well, thank you, Ross. That's very kind of you to say. I mean, I've heard so much about you from Monica.

Benjamin:Although, to be completely honest, I hadn't actually heard of you before I met you.

Benjamin:But now that I know you, I think you're... you seem like a great guy.

Benjamin:I remember 'the night' at this restaurant.

Charlie:Yeah, we were banned from here.

Charlie:But somehow we got back in.

Ross:Ha ha! Yeah, that's... that's hilarious. I was just thinking about that the other day.

Ross:Did you actually say 'break up with Charlie'?

Benjamin:Well, I said it in the context of a hypothetical scenario where Charlie represents a metaphorical obstacle to your emotional growth, which when you think about it, is essentially what I meant by break up with Charlie, but only in the Freudian sense of breaking away from psychological patterns, not in the literal sense of actual breakup, unless of course you interpret 'break' as a temporary pause rather than a permanent dissolution, in which case I absolutely said it.

Benjamin:Are you serious?

Ross:No.

Benjamin:Well, I was.

Phoebe:Mike said I can keep the box of human hair.

Phoebe:Yeah, I gave up the painting, but I kept the human hair.

Monica:That's... that's a good compromise.

Phoebe:I know, right?

Rachel:Wait, Monica gets to keep it? But I love that painting! It's so... it's so beautiful and tasteful!

Monica:Rachel, you literally called it a nightmare yesterday.

Rachel:Well, maybe I was wrong! Maybe it's growing on me.

Monica:You should take it, it's perfect for your apartment.

Rachel:No way, you found it! It belongs in your place.

Monica:I insist, Rach. I'm putting my foot down. It's yours.

Rachel:Oh no you don't. I am not accepting this. You keep it.

Monica:Rachel, I'm begging you. Take the painting. Please.

Rachel:Monica, if you don't take this painting, I will never forgive you.

Monica:Well, if you don't take it, I'll throw it away.

Rachel:Then I'll fish it out of the trash!

Monica:I'll burn it!

Rachel:I'll use the ashes as potpourri!

Rachel:Oh my God, I can't believe I lost! I really wanted that painting!

Rachel:It's so beautiful and tasteful. Where am I going to find another one like it?

Chandler:They said you were perfect for the part, but then they realized you couldn't act your way out of a paper bag.

Joey:Wait, what?

Chandler:But hey, you look great!

Joey:You're lying! You didn't watch the tape.

Chandler:I did watch it!

Joey:No you didn't!

Chandler:I did!

Joey:Your nose is growing, Pinocchio.

Benjamin · Ross:And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday? What? I... Uh. Care to venture a guess? May 12? That's not even kind of close.

Benjamin:Name three members of The Beatles.

Ross:Um... John, Paul, George...

Benjamin:And the fourth?

Ross:What?

Ross:Well, actually, the geological formation of stalactites occurs over thousands of years as mineral-rich water drips from the cave ceiling, depositing calcium carbonate layer by layer.

Benjamin:Okay, but the answer they're looking for is 'Stalactites' by The Who.

Benjamin:Spell 'Pterodactyl'.

Ross:P-T-E-R-O-D-A-C-T-Y-L.

Benjamin:I made that up.

Ross:What?

Benjamin:I made it up. Spell it anyway.

Ross:It's pronounced 'Smosaurus Rex'

Benjamin:Actually, the M is silent

Ross:The M is... silent?

Benjamin:Yes, like in 'pterodactyl'

Ross:That's not a silent M, that's not even an M!

Chandler:I'm not a liar!

Rachel:Chandler, you're literally lying right now.

Chandler:I lied to her about being at work, so I had to lie about where I was, so I lied about what I was doing, so I had to lie about who I was with, so I lied about why I couldn't see her...

Rachel:Why don't you just tell her the truth?

Joey:Oh! Oh! Oh! That's me! That's me! Look, that's me!

Joey:Woa, woa, woa. Hold on. Hold on. I don't remember doing that one.

Joey:Oh my God. Oh my God!

Rachel:Oh, so that's the commercial you couldn't let Chandler see!

Joey:Hey, I was a chameleon!

Rachel:Yeah, you blended right in with that street corner.

Rachel:Oh my God, this is... this is really something. It's so... bold. Very colorful. I mean, the artist really... committed to a vision here. It's definitely art. I love how it just... exists. In our apartment. Where we see it every day. It's really... unique. Yeah. Unique.

Rachel:We could replace all of this with Gladys.

Monica:Who's Gladys?

Phoebe:She's this creepy old lady painting I found. Her eyes follow you around the room.

Rachel:That sounds kind of disturbing.

Phoebe:Exactly! Normal art doesn't have that. Normal art is just hanging there, being all pleasant and nice. But Gladys? She's watching. Always watching.

Benjamin:I'll give you the grant, but there's one condition.

Ross:You want me to name my firstborn child after you.

Benjamin:Wow, you got it exactly right!

Benjamin:Am I crazy, or is that romantic?

Ross:You're crazy.

Ross:You're definitely crazy.

Ross:That is absolutely insane.

Rachel:Joey, this painting is absolutely hideous!

Joey:Hideous? Rachel, I got it for fifty bucks!

Rachel:Fifty bucks?! That's fifty bucks too much!

Joey:Are you kidding? The guy was asking for two hundred. Two hundred! I'm an excellent negotiator.

Joey:It's a valuable piece of art! A masterpiece!

Rachel:Oh my God, this painting is totally haunted.

Rachel:So I'm hanging this painting in my apartment, right? And it's this really creepy half-woman, just the upper half. And every night, I swear, I can hear her... looking for her legs.

Rachel:So the man creeps up the stairs, one step at a time, and he reaches the top landing. He sees a door. A single door. And he pushes it open slowly...

Joey:Oh my God, oh my God! Stop! Stop! Take the painting down! Take it down right now!

Monica:No, I'm giving it away. It's mine.

Rachel:Actually, I found it first. It's coming with me.

Monica:You can't just take my stuff, Rachel!

Rachel:Your stuff? This hideous thing has been sitting in the corner for months!

Monica:That doesn't mean you get to—

Phoebe:Guys, guys! I'll take it. I love it.

Monica:What? No, Phoebe, you can't have it.

Rachel:It's not yours to give away anymore!

Phoebe:Why are you both being so weird about this painting?

Monica:Because Rachel wants it!

Rachel:Because Monica won't let it go!

Phoebe:Fine. Then nobody gets it.

Monica:You have to take it.

Rachel:No, you have to take it.

Phoebe:Oh, I have an idea. What if one of you takes this painting, and the other one takes the one in my apartment?

Monica:There's another one?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, it's even worse.

Rachel:Come on, Chandler. Just say it. Lying is wrong.

Chandler:Fine, fine. Lying is wrong.

Rachel:And?

Chandler:And... I'm a pretty girl.

Benjamin:Okay, next question: How do you spell 'bureaucracy'?

Charlie:B-U-R-E-A-U...

Benjamin:Nope, sorry.

Charlie:Wait, I was doing it right!

Benjamin:No, you stopped at 'eau'. It's B-U-R-E-A-U-C-R-A-C-Y.

Charlie:Oh my God, I'm doing it again, aren't I? I'm spelling words wrong and not knowing it.

Benjamin:Do you think about me?

Charlie:No.

Charlie:Yes!

Ross:What?

Ross:They broke up.

Joey:What is that?! Oh my God, oh my God! GLADYS?!

Rachel:I can't believe you fell for that again!

Joey:AHHHHH!