The One with Princess Consuela

Because every time we do you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.

You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it.

A dinosaur died a million years ago?

Try 65 million years ago.

Yeah, do you have any idea what this means in academic circles? I am gonna get laid.

Oh, Italian. No one-- No one wanted seconds, right?

What are the odds?

I finally got that seed out of my teeth.

I don't know who I'm happiest for. / I do. He's been working on that all day.

The Ministry of Names... Bureau.

You never did it.

It's just the idea of being an official Bing.

Who am I kidding? Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.

Call me Mrs. Hannigan. / Mrs. Hannigan? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

No, it's not close. You said it was in escrow. I couldn't even find that on the map.

No, Joey. Escrow is... There's money, and... It's not the bank exactly. I don't know what it is.

The only reason I'm going to their stupid house is to point out everything wrong with it so they don't move.

You're a strange kind of grownup.

There's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed, and-- / Can we not talk about that now? / All right. Prude.

I bet I could even get Mike to do that thing. What is it?

It's spelled like 'gucky,' which can be confusing.

Oh, my God. That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else.

I know. With 'gucky.'

I'm on a date.

Thank you, JewHunks.com, huh?

I wouldn't call my online dating profile a résumé.

Whatever happened to just singing for no reason?

Maybe people found it weird.

I believe what she's trying to tell you is that I'm her boss.

Mr. Boss, it is a pleasure to meet you.

This place is so depressing. If I had to work here, I'd kill myself. But you obviously haven't.

See, I need to change it because I'm hiding from the law.

You're fun.

Well, not anything. / Yeah. Anything.

Get out of my line.

Oh, not anymore. I changed it today. / Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hannigan. / Wrong again.

So meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

That's what we were gonna name the baby.

No, I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie.

Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.

That is a bad interview.

And I said, 'Wait a minute. Yes, I am.' And then I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that, in fact, was true.

You want me to join you? / I thought Joey was here. Five is good.

Wow, I'm gonna have a loogey in my coffee tomorrow.

Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla.

I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery.

And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything. But also knowing it means a lot. But more importantly, to full, well-rounded lives. That center around work.

You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired.

Little heads-up would've been nice.

So happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.

Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.

Maybe it's because you hung your head out the window like a dog the whole ride here.

I think I just saw a bat in the corner.

When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?

I hope you get used to that weird humming sound.

Joey, we know that's you. / No... it's not.

Meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock. / You're kidding, right? / Nope.

Then I'm gonna change my name. / Great. Okay, what are you gonna change it to? / Crap Bag.

Mike Crap Bag? / No. No 'Mike.' No, just 'Crap Bag.' First name: Crap. Last name: Bag.

It's fun, it's different, and no one else has a name like that.

And I love your name. I love Princess Consuela. And I love Crap.

Oh, hi. I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you? / I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house.

I hate my parents. / I hate my friends.

Okay, you come with me and you tell them that the house is haunted. / What are you, 8?

Okay. Let's hear your great idea. / I don't have any great ideas. I am 8.

This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners.

How'd you get to be so smart? / I read a lot. / Just when I thought we could be friends.

You still don't know my name, do you? / Well, now I don't have to.

I'm sorry. It's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway.

You know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so....

Clever.

Screw charity work. What do you got?

Nice to see you again. / Yeah. Yeah. I got tenure.

Ross, that's Mark. From Bloomingdale's? You were insanely jealous of him.

Maybe make you his 'sex-cretary.'

Man, those two dogs are going at it.

Joey? There was a little girl who lived here, but she died, like, 30 years ago. / What? / I'm just messing with you.

That's not funny. You know I'm afraid of little-girl ghosts.

You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room, do you?

Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing? / No. / Why not? I'll keep the tank clean.

This is my husband, Crap Bag.

If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.

How about Buffay-Hannigan? / Really? / Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan-Bananahammock.

Do you even know what a banana hammock is? / It's a funny word. / It's a Speedo.

Oh, crap.

The two dogs.

My time machine works.

Excuse me? / Oh, please. Yesterday, on the subway, you couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts. / For your information, I was staring at her baby.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want?

Oh, Ross. Come on. He is happily married. His wife just had twins. / Should we send something?

You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israel's finest.

The job is in Paris.

But you know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. Hey, Bailey, I need some career advice.