Phoebe Buffay

Just leave my aura alone, okay? - Fine, be murky.

Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens... La la la something And noodles with string

I helped.

I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art But your love Oh, your love, your love Is like a giant pigeon Crapping on my heart

I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields. And then he killed himself. Then I found aromatherapy.

Could you give this to that guy over there? - Go ahead. Thank you. - Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas. I'm in Las Vegas. I'm Liza Minnelli..

Are we still talking about sex?

He's out banging other women over the head with a club... while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet.

I think this is the episode of Three's Company... where's there's some kind of misunderstanding. / Then I've already seen this one.

I mean, you're, like, all chaotic and twirly, you know? Not in a good way.

Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagna.

You're a twin? / Oh, yeah. We don't speak. / She's like this high-powered, driven, career-type. / What does she do? / She's a waitress.

You know, if you tilt your head to the left and relax your eyes... it kind of looks like an old potato.

"We should do this again" means "You will never see me naked."

"It's not you" means "it is you"

"You're such a nice guy" means "I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you."

"I think we should see other people" means "Ha, ha, I already am."

Penis size measurement conversation with thumb and index finger

Phoebe correctly guessing everyone's coffee orders

"And there's 500 extra dollars in my account." "Oh, Satan's minions at work again."

"Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took? 'Not mine. Not mine. Not mine.'"

"And even if I was happy, okay, and skipping... I'd hear, 'Not mine. Not mine.'"

"Listen, as someone who's seen more than her share of bad beef..."

"Now I have $1000 and a football phone."

"Yes, yes. Like the man in the shoe." "What shoe?" "From the nursery rhyme."

"Did you pick out the vowels?" "Yes, but I left in the Y's. Because, you know, 'Sometimes Y.'"

"Do you want my tinfoil hat?" "No, because you need that."

"I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitchhiker."

"Oh. The hair comes out and the gloves come off."

"We talking about the coyotes here?" "All right. A cow got through."

"Honey, you should always feel the thing."

"You know, those stupid soda people gave me $7000 for the thumb."

"And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. What is up with the universe?"

"I'm getting a déjà vu." "No, I'm not."

"All right, we have to talk." "There it is."

"If you never smoke again, I'll give you $7000."

And bigger boobs.

No, Jack and the Beanstalk. / Ah, the other Jack.

Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

Well, because you just... I don't like this question.

I don't even have a 'pla.'

That's Big Bird's friend.

That's not for you, bitch!

Chandler's one of those repressed guys who you'd have to seduce.

Anyway, the valentine Tom left in your locker was really from me!

Multiple orgasms!

What's the matter? Why so scrunchie?

How do you do that? It's like a gift.

We should always, always break up together. I'd like that.

What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.

Ross, 10:00. Is it? It feels like 2. No, 10:00!

ROSS & PHOEBE: Uh-oh.

So are you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!

Phoebe's song performance is abruptly cut off; Chandler's 'What--?' reaction and the scene transition to blackout news suggests the song was terrible or awkwardly received

Joey's turn: 'The women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.' Rachel asks: 'What were you doing in a library?' Phoebe's turn: 'Oh, um, Milwaukee.' Implying Phoebe's weirdest sexual experience is simply a location name.

Ross is about to confess to Rachel. Monica, Phoebe, and Joey all loudly shush him from the background. Ross: 'What are we shushing?' Monica: 'We're shushing because we're trying to hear something.' Awkward beat. 'Don't you hear that? Ah.' They all listen to something inaudible (likely a siren or distant noise).

Phoebe's impromptu song about the blackout: 'New York City has no power / And the milk is getting sour / But to me it is not scary / 'Cause I stay away from dairy'

Paolo and Rachel interact while others observe. Monica asks: 'What'd he say that was so funny?' Rachel: 'I have absolutely no idea. That's classic.' Chandler: 'My God, you guys. What am I doing? This is so un-me. If you want, I'll do it. I know. I just wanna bite his bottom lip. But I won't.' Phoebe: 'God. The first time he smiled at me...those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.'

I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, you know?

Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.

You know, I don't know who this is, but it's not Debbie.

Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings. Oh, you-you mean your earrings? What'd I say?

And her boyfriend. We're celebrating Thanksgiving in December because he's lunar.

Because then they'd be just like my mom used to make it, before she died.

That's it! Enough with the keys. No one say keys!

Now this feels like Thanksgiving.

I'm doing new material tonight. I have 12 songs about my mother's suicide and one about a snowman.

I made a man with eyes of coal / And a smile so bewitching / How was I supposed to know / That my mom was dead in the kitchen?

My mother's ashes / Even her eyelashes / Are resting in a little yellow jar

And sometimes when it's freezing / I feel a little sneezy / And now I— Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah, noisy boys.

Is it something you'd like to share with the group?

He's kind of like the guy I went to see that with. Except he's smarter and gentler and sweeter.

I just wanna be with him all the time. You know, day and night. And night and day. And special occasions.

Do you plan on kissing me ever?

I mean, you're a sweeper trapped inside a physicist's body.

Now you're just tidying up.

You want me to throw you? I can hop.

Minsk? Minsk. It's in Russia. I know where Minsk is.

And then your face exploded? No.

You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just for me. If I go, I have to break up with you. And I can't break up with you.

Just say, 'Phoebe, I love you, but my work is my life. That's what I have to do.' And I say, 'Your work? How can you say that?' Then you say, 'I have no choice. Can't you understand that?' And I say, 'No! No! I can't understand that!'

I'm gonna miss you, you scientist guy.

I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. I can't kiss anyone. So, I'm kissing everyone? No, you can't kiss Ross. That's your brother.

You don't have to be awake to be my man / Long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand

But I guess it was just the coma.

Monica & Phoebe join in the singing

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hi, Daddy. Hello. How come you don't live with Mommy?

How come Mommy lives with that other lady?

What's a lesbian?

It's like 'poke a nose.' Ah. Poke a nose.

Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under there.

I don't make them a lot...because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies.

Which proves that I never lie.

Pig man. Yes, good. Okay. Oh, but he was my pig man.

Think you'll do it on his couch? I don't know. That's a little weird. It's vinyl.

These aren't her 'boobies.' These are her breasts.

Chandler, say something funny.

Since you saw her boobies you have to show her your pee-pee.

Isn't he good?

It wasn't just the Weebles, but the Weeble Play Palace and the Weeble's Cruise Ship with this lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.

Don't you think it's just that he's so perceptive it freaked you out? No, we hate him!

Intense and creepy.

I broke up with Roger. Yeah, right. No, no, really.

In some ways, I think he is so right for me. It's just... I hate that guy!

[MIMICS SOBBING] 'Oh, was it good for you?'

I think we're like some kind of magnets. I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

Or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.

A picture of Scotty Jared, naked. - Let me see. He's wearing a sweater. - No.

Wait. Isn't it almost pure...? [ALL SCREAM]

Never mind. But it was gonna be really good.

Where you going, Mr. Suit-ey Man? I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pilman, career counselor-a-go-go! I added the 'a-go-go.'

You should make that thing with the stuff. You know... that thing with the stuff?

I love you, Ross.

Oh, the throb!

Phoebe appearing as their waitress when they call for service

I was over there... then you said, 'Excuse me, miss.' So now I'm here.

Because it's close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

Phoebe literally walking away when they ask to 'start over'

So, um, is she fat?

She was the first to walk... even though I did it later that same day.

To my parents, by then it was, 'Yeah, what else is new?'

Oh, and I've got earth science, but I'll catch you in gym?

I mean, it's true, we were one egg once.

Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn? / Bath salts would be nice.

Knit, good woman. Knit. Knit.

When I was 8, I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson Thermos... so she threw it under the bus.

I mean, I know Joey's not my boyfriend or my Thermos... or anything, but...

Okay. Oh. Okay. Oh.

What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap out of me.

Was that the cake? / Yeah. / I got a lemon shmush.

This was not at all scary.

The whole penis embargo?

Why is the air in here so negative?

You'd put that poor little creature in jail?

Oh, it's okay. It was just my left leg.

One side of my butt is totally asleep and the other side has no idea.

My butt cheek is waking up!

Why is the air in here so negative?

Rachel lost Marcel. Oh, no! How? -He pooped in my shoe. -Which one? The cute black ones I always wear. No, which one? The right or left? Because the left one is lucky.

All right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? It's his first time out, so he'll do touristy things. I'll go to Cats. You go to the Russian Tea Room.

Oh, my God! You'd put that poor little creature in jail?

Remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Yes, but there isn't always time.

Oh, it's okay. It was just my left leg.

Oh, gosh!

This is so intense! One side of my butt is totally asleep and the other side has no idea.

My butt cheek is waking up!

Now, you know, I'm, like, the other woman. I feel so... Naughty.

Rdtor.

Sidney's a woman. So she's a woman, so what?

Ooh, give me. Can you see me operating a drill press?

l taught a 'Massage Yourself at Home' workshop. And they are.

They don't like you.

Everyone. Except for.... No. Everyone.

Mr. Bing. Boss Man Bing.

Could that report be any later?

The hills are alive with the sound... of music. My scone. My scone.

That's part of the whole... them-not-liking-you extravaganza.

l don't wanna be the geek who invited the boss.

You were great. But they still made fun of you.

Mr. I'm-one-of-you Boss. Mr. l-wanna-be-your-buddy Boss Man Bing.

Mr. Bing's office. [IN MELLOW VOICE]

'Most likely.' [BOTH CHUCKLE]

What you doing? [OVER INTERCOM]

They don't like you. - What? - I thought you knew that.

Who doesn't like me? - Everyone. - Except for, um... No. Everyone.

Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing. Boss-Man Bing.

Could that report be any later?

My scone! - My scone! [ALL LAUGHING]

That's part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you extravaganza.

I don't wanna be the geek who invited the boss, you know?

Now you're more like Mr. Caring-Boss. Mr. 'I'm-One-of-You'-Boss. Mr. 'I-Wanna-Be-Your-Buddy'-Boss-Man-Bing.

Could these margaritas be any stronger?

I just thought we might be here for a while, so, you know, things might get musical.

[SINGING] They're tiny and chubby And so sweet to touch But soon they'll grow up And resent you so much Now they're yelling at you And you don't know why And you cry and you cry and you cry

Thanks, Ross. Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

There are children coming into the world in this very building and your fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing.

Don't make me do this again! I don't like my voice like this!

And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they fight over who gets to love it the most and it's not even born yet. It's just the luckiest baby in the whole world.

Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is, in fact, a dark vent.

Wait! You forgot your legs!

How about Ben? I like Ben. Ben. How come you never mentioned Ben before? We, uh, just cooked it up. That's what we were off doing.

Thank you, God. This will bring us so much joy.

The ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys.

There's a little child inside this man. The doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.

You start on the 15th date.

'Thanks to Vidal Buffay' / 'If you don't look good, we don't look good'

Phoebe miming/acting out the airport scene: 'Airport. Ross. Not alone. Julie. Arm around her!' then fake cramping

Phoebe mind-reading: 'How it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?'

Monica about haircut control: 'I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.' / Phoebe: 'No, you're not.' / Monica: 'I know I'm not, but you are.'

Phoebe: 'My God, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't...' Monica: 'But this is about your horrible mistake.'

Phoebe to hair: 'Some of you are gonna get cut and some of you aren't. But I promise, none of you will feel a thing.'

Phoebe: 'This is how he wears it.' / Monica: 'How who wears it?' / Phoebe: 'Demi Moore.'

Demi/Dudley Moore mix-up: 'That's Dudley Moore!' / 'I said I wanted it like Demi Moore!'

Phoebe: 'I think it's a 10!' / Monica: 'Thank you. My hair is very amused.'

Final Andie/Roddy MacDowell confusion: 'That's Roddy McDowall. Andie MacDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.'

Phoebe says 'Just do it!' aggressively to baby Ben, who immediately starts crying

Oh, my God! Oh! Was that too much pressure for him?

I can't. I have to take my grandmother to the vet.

You had a salad. / No wonder I don't feel full.

Um, boobs.

Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

Phoebe licks her arm after heating breast milk

You guys, um, I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me. But, um, I love you guys too!

Hello, Chandler Bing! Oh, my God!

Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

Like crop circles or the Bermuda Triangle or evolution.

Monkeys, Darwin, it's a nice story. I just think it's a little too easy.

Okay, don't get me started on gravity.

Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

So now the real question is, who put those fossils there and why?

Maybe the Overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

And up till 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing until you split it open and this whole mess of crap came out.

I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket. But I want to believe you.

You're all going to hell.

See? And you thought she'd be judgmental.

The fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours... from when you had sex with Bobby on the terrace!

The Ice Capades? No, the Gravel Capades.

The turns aren't as fast, but when Snoopy falls? Funny.

I remember when you were just King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice Is Nice.

Ole! What? The Matador... Ole!

You're so smart and funny... and you throw such great Academy Award parties!

And then one day he says, 'Oh, I'm not gay!'

That saves us the conversation.

So your brother's straight, huh?

I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song, Stop me if you've heard it

And Tegrin spelled backward is nirget

You can't just erase chalk.

And, like, you know, a gold stick with a ball on top?

Terry's a jerk! That's why we always say, 'Terry's a jerk!' That's where that came from.

I'm not some sloppy second, you know, charity band.

My name was on there, but now it just says carrot cake.

Mine does.

Terry's a jerk and he won't let me work / And I hate Central Perk

$8.27. But not really, because I put in the first two.

I got 25 cents and a condom.

There is no 'top,' all right? That's the beauty of 'Smelly Cat.'

The guy still won't put out? Nope. Zilch. Nothing. Uh-uh.

Maybe he drives his car on the other side of the road. If you know what I mean. No. What do you mean? He's not British.

No, I felt it on my hip. I could tell.

I said, 'Excellent butt, great rack.' Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended. But that's so sweet.

Ugh, you are so yum!

Is he gonna call me the next day? And Where is this going? So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be serious.

This is a song, um, about a love triangle... between three people I made up.

Two of Them Kissed Last Night

Or will it be the one Who we'll call Loolie?

What a dinkus!

Yeah. Listen, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

Not especially. But I think they had pot in them.

It's not a blue screen. It's just... Maybe it was just really clear that day.

I smell smoke. Maybe because someone's pants are on fire!

Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?

You know what? You shouldn't call yourself Information!

Hello, Grandma. If that is, in fact, your real name.

Wish me luck, Grandpa.

Brake, left. Gas, right? / That's my cheat sheet.

There isn't one. The paramedics had to cut through it.

So that's what this is for!

Mailbox. / All right, we're getting closer.

I've already lost a fake dad this week. I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.

That's fine, never mind.

Toilet-seat covers!

So I wake up and I'm in this Dumpster in Connecticut.

Ooh, ooh. Lorne Greene? No, Pheebs. You know why? Because he's dead.

Oh, no. Okay, I guess this is gonna seem bittersweet now...

Hey, yeah. We could all sleep together, and then one of us could get amnesia.

Huh. Bob Saget?

Steve, sleeve. Okay, no one is named sleeve.

Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.

Oh, I do. It's Bob Saget.

One of my clients died on the massage table today.

Little did she know God thought, 'Okay, but that's it.'

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] Talk about crap, just listen to Stella Neidman tell her story about Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] Sit up!

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] I know who you remind me of. Evelyn Durmer. That's before the lousy face-lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

I remember she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time. I'm sorry. There's laughing in my head. Worth a shot, huh?

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.

[AS MRS. ADELMAN] Oh, my God. Now I've seen everything! [IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoa, she's gone.

You are so lucky, I'm gonna share mine.

Okay, so everyone... pretend I'm telling you a story and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh. Now!

I would love to have kids... hear me play the songs that I will write for them.

Now your mom and your dad said She moved to Peru But the truth is she died And someday you will too

There'll be times when you get older When you'll want to sleep with people Just to make them like you But don't!

It was either 'but' or 'butter.'

Then the farmer hits him And grinds him up And that's how we get hamburgers

Who's Barney?

Okay, then eat me, I'm done!

Chandler, can I borrow your G-string? How long you been waiting to say that? About 20 minutes!

How do you know vegetables are done? Well, you don't. You eat them and you can tell.

I don't do the casting.

Chandler, can I borrow your G-string? How long you been waiting to say that? About 20 minutes!

Is it like 'at the bat' or 'and The Sunshine Band'?

I guess he wants to do a little dance... you know, make a little love... Well, get down tonight.

Because she's your lobster.

You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples... walking around their tank, holding claws, like...

You have to picture lobsters.

Do the claws again.

See? He's her lobster!

Give me two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them! / It's James Bond!

Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten.

Foghorn Leghorn!

Really? You don't say? Because mine was licked on by kittens!

Your mother's in heaven going, 'Where the hell's my lily, you wuss!'

Ross, if you care about me, get the pie out of the man's hood.

Oh. Oh, I thought they were just watching me. Like at an aquarium, you know?

Oh, my God! I know. I sound amazing!

Pretty, uh, different, huh? / Oh, I am sorry, but I'm incredibly talented.

Oh, my God! She's smelly cat!

Oh, oh, that song has so many levels.

Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar... ...forced to play soccer forever?

And a crusty old man Said I'll do what I can And the rest of the rats Played maracas

Of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot...

And the wind can make us goddesses. Do you know who takes our wind? Men. They just take it.

Hello. Who wants one of my phallic-shaped man-cakes?

This book could have been called Be Your Own Wind Keeper, Rachel!

Why are you guys upset? It's Old Yeller. It's a happy movie.

That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say, 'The end.'

He doesn't have rabies. He has babies.

Oh, no. No, no, Travis, put down the gun. No, no, he's your buddy. He's your Yeller. No! The end! The end!

Okay, what kind of a sick doggy snuff film is this?

You know, before she killed herself.

Murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.

Charlotte who? With the web. The spider. She dies. She has babies and dies. It's like, 'Welcome home from the hospital.' Thud!

I fell for that with Pride of the Yankees. I thought I'd see a film about Yankee pride. And boom! The guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.

You'll just die or divorce or blow your pet's head off.

I don't know if I was happier when George Bailey destroyed the business, or Donna Reed cried or when the pharmacist made his ear bleed.

It should've been called: 'It's a Sucky Life, And Just When You Think It Can't Suck Anymore, It Does!'

Now, I've looked ahead on the tape, and he does find him again. But before that happens, there's some rough going for a while.

Which is my father's last name... And they were serving franks... which is his first name, minus the 's' at the end.

Hamburger? McDonald's? Old McDonald had a farm. My dad is a pharmacist.

Get the hell off my leg, you yippity piece of crap!

I just think that this was a really bad sign. Like the beast at the threshold.

And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we shared a womb.

And he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back. So still hoping.

What will I say, 'Hi, I'm the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'

Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him.

If it's raining, you can't let him look up too long because that cone will fill up fast.

My cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.

Ryan threw in saltwater taffy because he didn't have change.

No, he's my submarine guy. He resurfaces every couple years...

I've never had it. I feel so left out. Oh, look!

Chicken or small? / Chicken, which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.

If I had one wish, I'd go back to when I was 7...when Jimmy Hauser had chickenpox, and rub that kid all over my face.

It could be lox, I wouldn't care. / And you hate fish.

The lightning was an unfortunate coincidence.

Okay. This is the most romantic disease I've ever had.

I wanna grab these houses and rub them all over my body.

Let's just be bad. It'll feel so good. Come on. Oh, God, help me.

A low-budget puppet show. / A shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.

Visual: Phoebe and Ryan finally give in to passionate moment despite chickenpox

Oh, I just got that!

Wait, I forgot to turn off the cappuccino machine.

Anchors aweigh.

That's why you never see pigeons in sushi bars.

She wants to know what's wrong. - What's wrong? You're married! That's what's wrong!

What if the husband is the wrong guy and you are the right guy?

If you don't meet her, you'll kick yourself when you're 80... which is hard to do and that's how you break a hip.

No, wait! You have to take a shower because ew! And I'll get the... No, you have to answer her. Answer her first. No, make some coffee because it's too much.

Yeah, because life's just that kind.

No, no, no. Not a Richard thing. Just put down the glass and get out.

There are no questions in the happy place.

Betting and wagering of any kind are not permitted in the happy place.

Thank you. I know, though.

You rotten boys!

Not 'out of that.' Not 'out' of clothes.

What are you supporting? / Christmas.

I'm not gonna go. / You're not gonna go? / No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my correspondence.

So I think that will accomplish the 'not going.'

I'm just, I don't know, not in a very museum benefit-y kind of mood.

Let's see what else he'll do!

One more chance, Ursula. Please. / This is awkward. Yeah, because you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters.

I am such a dingus! / Oh, you're not a dingus.

Once, in junior high school, I thought I was a witch. And a guidance counselor told me something that might help you. He said, 'Okay, you're not a witch. You're just an average student.' / See what I'm saying? / Not really.

Well, get over it.

You don't have to walk behind me anymore.

First, I'm not crazy. And second, say it, don't spray it.

Because of the restraining order.

Aren't you forgetting something? What is that guy's name? Dad!

So what were you thinking? / I was thinking what it'd be like to kiss you. / Really? / No. That's just something I said now so that maybe I could kiss you.

No, it's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.

Well, what do you know? There goes my identical twin sister! Just walking along, looking like me.

Stalk me for a while, huh? I'll be like an Ursula patch.

Hi, this is Caitlin from Phoebe Buffay's office.

So your husband leaves and burns down the apartment. The world doesn't stop.

Yes, they called! You didn't get it! Okay? I mean, you didn't get it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Now you're sad and creepy.

They said they'd never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.

They said that you 'weren't believable as a human being.'

The off-Broadway-play people said that you were 'pretty but dumb.' Oh, no wait. I'm sorry. That's 'pretty dumb.'

I think it sounds big sister-y, 'Frank's always late.'

Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister... Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately

It's just the last-desperate-chance-to-have-a-family kind of thing

We don't have that

So by 'melting' you meant melting

How do you play the shadow game? / I just asked you. / I just asked you.

It's one of my regulars. He's insisting that I do him

Well, you know, we don't call it that. But, yeah.

What are big sisters for?

She broke my arm! / He touched my fanny. / She touched mine first! / That's my job!

Until Frank melted it

There was that one time Monica and Rachel got together.

Anybody need more coffee? - Hey, there's a dog out there!

Wanna hear something that sucks? - Do I ever!

Get ready for me to whip your butt. Okay, but after that we're shooting some pool.

You could've just turned the cushion over. I would have, but I had a spaghetti stain on the other side.

I need to live in a land where people can spill! - Well, you can spill. In the sink.

No, you're not. You're wondering which cushion it is.

[JOEY HUMMING IN HEAD] PHOEBE: Who's singing?

You know, in England this car would be on the other side of the store.

Oh, my God. Oh. All right, take this bed. You can make other friends.

I am so dead.

I know. You must have won, like, a contest or something.

You know what? It's all Joey's fault because he left his nose open.

Quick. Take off your dress. He won't notice the bed.

So? This has always been Monica's bed. What, you're just noticing now? How self-involved are you?

Because every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.

First, it was my Aunt Mary. And then there was John, my mailman. And then my cowboy friend, Albino Bob.

That's why I take such good care of my teeth. It's not about oral hygiene. I floss to save lives.

Tell that to them. Oh, you can't! They're dead!

But if you're my next victim... don't come back as a poltergeist who sucks me into the TV set.

Wait until I go to the dentist. Maybe I'll kill him.

Or just look out!

[Awkward pause as Phoebe starts emotional goodbye]

It's just like a bloodbath in here today!

Oh! You're alive! You're alive!

The curse is broken! I called everybody I know... and everyone is alive!

My God, I killed another one! The curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.

I thought you knew what you were doing. I thought you meant in life!

Broken boobs! Ow.

Have fun. Oh, wait. No, don't. I forgot. I am totally against that now.

No, no. I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime...and their corpses grotesquely dressed...in, like, tinsel and twinkly lights.

Yikes. That one doesn't look very fulfilled.

You keep the old ones in the back? That is so ageist.

Well, they go into the chipper. / Why do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

Phoebe's horrified reaction to the wood chipper sound and yelling

It's almost dead. But that's why you have to buy it, so that it can fulfill its Christmas destiny.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so emotional. I guess it's just... The holidays are just hard. / Oh, honey, is that because your mom died around Christmas? / Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

What's it about? I don't remember.

Maybe the pogo stick likes it too.

It must take you forever to find your keys.

Please want the one with the turtles. - No, turtles scare me. I don't need that today.

My vessel so lovely, with nothing inside? Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still? He thinks Monica's empty. She's the empty vase!

And what are you gonna do for him? / I'm gonna let him.

That's okay, it's mine. We just kissed.

You mean a 3-pointer? / I get more because I'm dainty.

I always carry one in my sock.

The greatest things in the world! If I were you, I'd wear them every day.

Yeah, a song with rhyming words! I never thought of that before.

Why? Because she can both sing and play guitar at the same time?

See? Everybody else is happy she's done.

Actually, I said she abandoned me to write jingles.

No, but, thanks. [repeated identically]

Let this be a lesson to all of you. Once you betray me, I become like the Ice Woman.

You know, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior.

[Phoebe immediately asks for a tissue]

It's like the 20th time today. Yeah, good luck, Leslie.

Our moms worked on the barge together.

You never run on a barge!

You know, they say 'A watched pot never beeps.'

My favorite shoes song - sticky shoes reveal

If I was in this for the money, I'd be a millionaire by now.

You gotta get out of that jingle-head.

I told you I didn't want you to try and sell it...and you just big, fat did it anyway!

Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell, jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell. That's all I have so far.

I have a date with this diplomat I met while I was giving free massages outside the U.N.

Oh, it's my new thing. I figure, bodies at peace make peace.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] / There's a G in there.

Where's that? / In your atlas. / I don't have an atlas. / Oh. / Oh, but wait, I do have a globe. Hold on.

What is this? / It's a globe. / And a pencil sharpener.

Aw. Me too. Although this city is my home. So that's dumb, what I said. Don't tell him I said that.

Okay. You know what? You don't have to do that now. / No, no, not him. No, you don't.

Wow, it's small. / Yeah, but Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks to get all the way across it.

'Kind of cute' like, 'really kind of cute'? Or 'kind of cute' like your friend Spackle-Back Larry? / Hey, don't call him that. His name is Spackle-Back Harry.

So you're a chef? / I'm also thinking of opening up my own restaurant. / Oh, really? / Monica... could I talk to you behind my menu, please?

My guy has coupons. / Your guy can't even say 'coupons.'

See, we don't need them. / Plate? / Yeah.

American. You know, it's a very hard language.

I have the spirit of an old Indian woman living in mine.

Where did he put it?

I knew something had to be wrong because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.

We could eat the wax! It's organic! Oh, great. Food with hair on it.

No, not the used wax. Because that would be crazy?

This is like 60 Minutes when at first you're mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug. And then, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.

The last time I went, I was afraid to leave the chair lift. I just went round and round.

'Beam me up, Jesus.' / The 'No Smoking' sign.

No, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.

Monica's are the biggest. / These tiny little non-breasts? Please. It's gotta be Rachel.

I ate a bug. / Hey, Rach. The tampons here are only a penny. Let's stock up.

What? You slept with someone else? / We were on a break. / We were... Yeah.

The way to quit smoking is to dance naked in a field of heather...and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.

Or what my father calls 'Thursday night.'

Yeah, I'm a big surprise.

No, I'm fine with the age thing...until it sticks its tongue down my brother's throat.

You know what? It's not good home economics.

Yes. Not out loud.

Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's gonna hate myself.

It's a real 'mustard-tastrophe.'

Well, um, your laundry smelled so good that I thought I'd curl up in it.

Okay, so it's probably just the Ross thing.

Yeah, kind of.

When I was a kid, I had a barrel.

You had a barrel for a dollhouse? No, just a barrel.

Maybe it's so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.

Well, nobody wants a ghost. But you've got one...because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Obviously you don't know much about the U.S. Government.

Come, dinosaur. We're not welcome in the house of no imagination.

The little ones do.

It's a slide instead of stairs. Look.

The licorice room. You can eat all the furniture.

When guests come over, they can stay on the Tootsie Roll-away bed.

Does anyone want to join me in the Aroma Room?

By the way...I was just checking the shower massager.

The foster puppets!

That's exciting. You went to Japan, made up a woman.

No, I'm fairly intuitive. And psychic. It's a substantial gift.

Thanks a lot. No, I'm serious. I'm intuitive, but my memory sucks.

No, but let's come back to that later.

Does anyone mind if l save this?

7:1 5. -Watch doesn't work.

You know, this kind of, like, you know, oat-sowing, field-playing juggler.

Does a dog's lips move when he reads?

Yeah. Maybe he just cheated on you.

We don't need a fireman. We need, like, a good mechanic.

Look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one, okay?

Well, it doesn't feel like playing anymore. It's feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.

...just, like, a really, really, really nice body.

He'd prefer watercolors, but, you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

So... It's really just about the math.

I don't know. He just started kissing me. Get him, Vince.

And it's been really horrible, because, you know, it's been... a lot of fun for me.

Oh, keep your name. Don't take his name! Then definitely don't take his name!

Average height, medium build, bald... Oh!

Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant or inside his shower drain?

She's very sexually aggressive.

If that's his favorite area, why is he being so mean to it?

Do you know what that means? - That you're actually 50?

What about that bike messenger you hit? - I wasn't talking about his karma.

Yeah, no, it was great.

I'm kind, caring and sweet. What's Monica like?

My father is Chuck Mangione?

'I was born and then everyone started lying their asses off'

'The three of us were kind of a... couple' / 'I don't even know how that would work' / 'I'm not asking'

Phoebe's litany of hardships: mom's suicide, dad running off, living in a gremlin with Cindy who talked to his hand

'I'm a really cool person. You had 29 years to find that out but you didn't even try'

'My new mom, who's a big fat abandoner'

'You just wrote this' 'Well, it's pretty much the gist'

'I'll give you $1000 to talk to us' / 'Hey you guys'

'What do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?' 'NO.'

'You peed on yourself?' reactions

Phoebe's song about '66 colors of my bedroom'

'I invite all of you to count the colors in your bedroom. Except for you. You go away.'

Pizza/Beatles bonding leading to 'Puppies: cute or ugly?'

'Stop it, now you're just doing it to freak me out'

Dumb drunken bitch

There's a kitty in my guitar case. Everyone's gonna want one.

I just have this really strong feeling that this cat is my mother.

No, Dr. Skeptismo.

My mother's favorite fish was orange roughy.

Just like when she was alive.

You won't suck me into this. Sure I will. Because you always have to be right.

Jurassic Park could happen.

And you know what? Actually, I do think Kirk was smarter than Spock.

Wait a minute. This is not the same cat. This cat's only this big.

Mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred.

Not yet, not yet, not yet!

Ross, how many parents have you lost? None.

I think she would like that.

This and a bunch of bubble wrap. And some of it is not even popped.

And hey, it's cool if you're a lesbian.

I meant, it's weird that you only have nine now.

Why does that have to be a bad thing? Just change what it means.

A fireman saves a baby, and they go, 'He pulled a Monica'.

Someone hits a homer, and they say, 'That one's out of here'. Because some things don't change.

You might even say that she 'pulled a Monica'.

Every time I see him, I want to do things to him I can't charge for.

No, I made myself take one. No fooling around with clients and, um, always be prepared.

That one's from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.

It's Arabian Princess Day at work. Leave me alone!

Because, um, the muscles in the sciatic area can get real nice and tight.

I bit him. - Where? - On the tushy.

I want to throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.

Rick playing baseball. He slides into second. Maybe even his pants come down a little.

Chandler's knees. Chandler's ankles. Chandler's ankle hair.

In really long hour-world.

Rick and I hit it off. We were making out. Then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.

I have never been fired from anything.

Then these policemen thought I was a whore too.

It's really been a bad day, whore-wise.

They thought I was a whore.

Oh, my God! What happened? Sixty guests.

You sound like 'Moni-can't,' not 'Moni-can'!

Neither have you. -Yes, but I'm doing this.

You can pee here.

It's okay. The duck's using our bathroom anyway.

Look what we almost left! That's not mine. Look what we almost took!

It's either 'That massage wasn't long enough'... or 'I don't know any of those songs'... or 'These sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!'

Or the limo driver, or the priest, and he can get the dead guy damned for all eternity.

We're part-time caterers and we have no place else to go.

I'm a hard-ass. And I'm a wuss. We should be partners. Hard-ass and wuss. We could fight crime.

God bless my dad for soundproofing the basement.

It'd be like those poor bicycle-riding chimps... who had to follow the Beatles.

My God, he's not even appreciated in his own time.

You guys. You suck too.

I just feel so dwarfed by your musical gift.

How could I live if I knew I was depriving the world of your music?

Would it be okay if I wrote a song about this?

We haven't eaten yet. I know, but all that work you're doing to get it ready and....

People are trying to sleep in here! Monica got ice in her eye and it hurts!

I'm calling on behalf of Monica Geller's eye.

She's very excited about that!

So cute that I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

-He's coming here for Thanksgiving? -I know. It's sick.

I could see where I'd be your best shot, but no.

Sick, sick, sick, sick.

It would totally depend on her coloring and...

...with empty trays, asking for money.

And I really don't want to be the reason I'm unhappy.

Done! I did it. Who's stupid now?

I know, but it's so hard. Nothing rhymes with your stupid name!

But did he ever call you 'Budolph'?

Ross doesn't decorate his tree with floss... but he's not complaining.

Lean, lean, lean!

...and put it into another girl. We were wondering if you could be that girl.

I was thinking of a gravy boat.

Ew! And, oh, no!

It's her egg and his sperm. I'm the oven. It's their bun.

You were more supportive when I wanted to make denim furniture.

My mom never gave birth. Oh! But my birth mom did!

No, no, I understand the pain. Don't hurt the puppy!

What else can I give them? A kidney!

see if I'm ready... to have Frank and Alice's embryo transferred into my uterus.

Oh, I knew it. I knew it. I felt really thick this morning.

Five? Okay, where am I giving birth... in a hospital or a big box under the stairs?

That's a lot of pressure on me and my uterus.

I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months.

Oh, and also, next time you see me, if I'm screaming, don't worry. That's what's supposed to happen.

I mean, they are, like, literally putting all their eggs in my basket.

Well, the doctor says it takes a couple days. But, I mean, my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine, so...

Yeah, good. I'm gonna let gravity, you know, do its jobs.

Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months, will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas

What is that? Where you walk around with rich people and tell them what to buy? That sounds great!

How does Jason look in a V-neck? -It's Joshua. -Whatever.

That's such a turn-on. Really? It doesn't seem desperate? That's the turn-on.

Oh, please! Hey. How you doing?

-You've done that a thousand times? -I've never done that.

I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.

Unless she wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.

No, wait. The elastic in my underwear busted.

We can be guys! No, you can't. Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys.

It's not my baby.

Then I'll be so drunk, I'll want to call Janice. You should! How is she?

I stuck that dollar in her G-string and grazed her thigh...

Oh, boy. I just love to sing. Yes, I know that you do. One of the reasons people were complaining... ...was because most of the people had paid to hear the actor sing 'Old Man River.'

Well, you should've seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he's like Joe Rugby. You're kidding. And he plays rugby? That's so funny.

Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game. - Right. - Do me a favor? Grab me a bottle of water? - Yeah. - Thanks. - I think I'm dying. I really do.

But Liam's on my team. - I don't care. You just get him. - Go get him.

Look, your eye's still popping out a little. I'm gonna go get some ice. - Okay. - Ooh, ice, yeah. I'm so in the mood for ice.

I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake. Oh, cake!

It's me. It's Phoebe. Listen, there's something in here I want to eat.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I can't believe it. The baby wants bologna. The baby wants meat. I can't eat meat.

Hey, that's what all my relationships are like. / Yes, but in Ross' case, they both know in two weeks that's it.

That's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow too.

Then what are you going to put on top of that? / A little salami. / Oh, yeah. / What goes on top of the salami? / Pastrami. / You're a genius.

The baby just kicked! / It's okay. It's okay. If it kicked once, it'll kick again! / Everybody just remember where they were sitting.

It was a bug.

You know why I'm never gonna eat meat? Because it's cold-blooded murder.

You know when you're dating someone... and you don't want to cheat unless it's with someone really hot? / Totally. / This is the same kind of deal.

If you're gonna do something wrong... do it right.

Six more months, three meals a day. I am going to eat, like, you know, millions of cows. / Mommy cows, daddy cows, baby cows / No. No, I will never eat baby cows. No veal! / Oh, but veal.

What if I even things out for you, meat-wise? / What? / I eat a lot of meat, right? But suppose, until the baby's born, I laid off it. / No extra animals would die. You'd be eating my animals.

What do you got there? / Pastrami. / You know what goes good with that? / Corned beef. / I was going to say bologna. But that's better.

How about that smoked turkey? / Okay. / Oh, mama!

When is the baby due? / Six months.

If a cow died of natural causes, I could have one of those, right? / Not if I get there first.

I need a job with a smaller table. Or a job without a table. You mean, like a doctor?

Let's take care of this one. If I get pregnant again, I have your card.

You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one.

It'll be like one of those log rides when they come shooting out.

What do you know? Have you ever had triplets? No. I'm sorry, I haven't. I'm going to use this a lot.

You know how, when you're walking down the street... and you see three people in a row. And you say 'Oh, that's nice.'

Frank has to quit college... because his super-fertile sister's having three babies.

Don't you hate to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife?

Pregnant woman slays four?

What's that? My Saturn dealership.

It's a Relaxi-Taxi!

It's not Relaxi-Cab. It's Relaxi-Cab. Like Taxi-Cab. That is better.

It is true what they say: Pregnant bellies look like a drum.

I'm so pregnant that my guitar doesn't fit anymore. So I'm going to play my songs on this drum.

Smelly cat, smelly cat / What are they feeding you? (played on belly drum)

That sounds great! I know! And I've only been playing for an hour.

Don't tell me you want to keep more stuff in my uterus.

Frank Jr., Jr. / Wouldn't that be Frank III? / Don't get me started.

That's so nice! Cougar.

You know? Like... Exxon! / It certainly worked for that Valdez kid.

I'm not sure about Hulk, but I like a name starting with 'The'.

All right, I don't... Maybe I'll just name him The Hulk.

Yeah, definitely. I don't like the name Ross.

How about a compromise then? What if it's... Chan-no-ey?

You're just Bing?

What's up with Gene?

This has got to stop! Chandler is a great name. In fact... I'm going to name the baby Chandler.

Santa Claus' pants. No. They're maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. See?

These names are good, and these are bad.

Your clothes aren't funny.

I have a game! This is great! What's the game? It doesn't have a name. No, okay. Phoebe Ball! No, it doesn't have a name.

What is your favorite thing about trees? They're green? Good! Five points!

Same question. They're tall. Three points!

Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy. Leafy.

Oh, are you pregnant too?

Phoebe's random overshare: 'Hey, that's the day after I start menstruating!'

Mutual recognition: 'We're really sad, aren't we?' 'Yeah, I think we are.'

Phoebe's dress rental reveal: 'At least you didn't rent yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late."'

Phoebe's optimistic career advice: 'Maybe someday there will be' a job wearing wedding dresses

Wedding dress superstition panic: 'The groom cannot see the bride' when Chandler arrives

It's never gonna happen

So I didn't know that. But you should see your faces

See? He's her lobster!

That was the 10th time I've peed since I've been here. It's also, like, the 10th time you've told us. Ha, ha.

Yeah, oh, I'm sorry, it must be hard to hear. I'll tell you, it's easier having babies playing 'Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk' on your bladder.

I am so sick of being pregnant. The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee which of course is decaf because, oh, I'm pregnant.

So, uh, Pheebs, honey, how are those mood swings coming? I haven't really had any yet.

It's not kicking me. It's kicking one of the other babies. Oh. Don't make me come in there!

I can't believe I'm going to have a party! Ha, ha. That's so great. A party! Yay! Ha, ha. [CRYING]

You actually thought it'd make me feel better? To give me something I can't even use for another two months? This sucks! Oh!

Well, how is this like that? Well, let's see. It's not really like that. Because, you see, that was an actual problem.

And, uh, yours is just, like, a bunch of high-school crap that nobody really gives... Yeah.

Some moms do that. Yeah, that's even sadder.

Cool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool.

Just kidding. Ah! Oh, my God. Got you again. You're so easy.

I want to go over and hug you and wish you luck, but I can't get up. -I'll come hug you. -Great, can you bring me the paper?

Chandler, I want to hug you too! You might as well bring my book from your apartment.

Oh, God! Do you need a hug? You don't have to bring me anything.

Okay, I have a wedgie. That is all you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If I was still in love with some— Still in love with? I'm not in love with Ross.

It would be like telling Monica: 'Hey, you like things clean.' Or, you know, 'Hey, Joey, you're gay.'

What? Oh, please, she's always got a broom in her hand.

Only if you have the hiccups too.

The chocolate and water are for me. I didn't feel like getting up.

I'll get it. Pheebs, it's Joey. Hey, Joey! I saw someone that looks just like you on the subway. I was going to say hi, then I figured he doesn't care he looks like you.

Who's seven? Me, Rachel...the birds, the babies. The babies miss me? Of course they do, or I'm just really hungry.

Two pizzas? -Gotta go! Talk to you later. -Wait! Where did you get it from?

You're going because you hope he'll say: 'I love you too. Forget the British chippy.'

No, it's not over until someone says, 'I do.' I do! I do!

Like I can really chase you. I'm carrying a litter!

First one identifies oneself...and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak. What are you saying? Now, let us try that again, shall we? No! Oh, my God!

So if you don't give me that number, I'm gonna come over there...and I'm gonna kick your snooty ass all the way to New Gloukenshire!

She knew I could kick her ass.

Why am I always pregnant when she does that?

I got it from your maid. She's a bitch, but I wore her down.

I can't fly. I'm having my brother's babies. Am I on the radio?

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Um, this is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please...if it's not too much trouble, please...um, might I speak with Miss Emily Waltham, please?

So give me that number or I'll come over there...and I'll kick your snooty ass all the way to New Gloukenshire!

Ooh, she knew I could kick her ass.

Why am I always pregnant when she does that?

Um, I can't fly. I'm having my brother's babies.

I spent the night out. I met this cute bridesmaid. She is... I don't want to hear it!

I've done my part, okay? It's your responsibility now. The burden is off me. Right. So tell me about this girl.

Did you stop Rachel? But she just hugged him. That's it. Nothing got ruined? No. Oh, that's so great!

Phoebe pretending to be 'Dr. Phalange, Ross Geller's personal physician' explaining his brain medicine mix-up

Phoebe getting confused by her own fake identity, saying 'No, not Phoebe. Dr. Phalange. Oh, no. You have it too.'

Phoebe's accusation reveal: 'You ate meat!' 'You had sex!'

Phoebe's pregnancy confusion: 'Oh, this pregnancy is throwing me all off'

Was his name Angus? / What? / He was a cabdriver we had in London.

Pheebs was going to tell a story. / So, he had a really funny hat. / I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, no. I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that power over someone's life.

Look. Gunther.

And me. / We've been talking about London too much. / Sorry, it's just because I couldn't be there.

All I get to do now is pregnant stuff. It bums me out.

Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic... in Central Park! / Central Park? / All of us. All day. / That sucks!

That's not a trip! I just came from there. What'll we high-five about at the stupid park?

Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Whose plan was that? / Mine! / Wait. It was my plan. / No... I said we needed a new plan. And I came up with Atlantic City. Which is the new plan.

I'm Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out.

Which of you is the father? None of them are. The father is my brother.

Can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me!

She hit her head in the shower. Oh, my God. She's so stupid!

I don't see three kids coming out of your vagina!

This one doesn't hurt eith... Yes, it does!

It was sweet at first, but now I think he's trying to steal my thunder.

I don't want some guy down there telling me I'm 'dilated-a-mundo.'

Doogie!

I want to keep one.

Three babies are a handful. Maybe they'll want to unload one.

Tell him it's for you.

Sorry, I'm in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.

I want the drugs, Ross! I do too! I do too!

How does he look? So gross!

I already had a baby. Leave me alone!

I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me.

Well, if you're going to cry...

All I got was a lousy key chain, and by that time, I was living in a box. I didn't have keys!

Are you calling me selfish? Are you calling you people?

Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!

I gave birth to three children and I won't let them be raised in a world where Joey's right!

I went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.

It helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends.

Damn it!

I'm still mad at them, but they bring happiness to lots of kids whose moms didn't kill themselves.

A hamster? Those things are, like, $10. Not the one I had my eye on.

Oh, no!

That's funny. Seems like Chandler's conference could've been... in Connecticut or Vermont.

Hey, Joey's ass.

Condoms?

And condoms are the way to do that?

Maybe I could do it.

Bye, Ross. Forever.

A year ago I didn't even have a family and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud.

When my friend Sylvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green.

Well, he said that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I, um, you know, bring in the next person I know who dies.

Okay, so to you, death is fashion? That's really funny. Yeah, here's Phoebe, uh, sporting, you know, cutting-edge hairy carcass from, you know, the steel traps of wintry Russia.

Because I do.

Well, ahem, I've been reading up, and for your information, minks are not very nice.

It's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley. Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine.

It's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat.

This is mink, okay? They're mean, and they hate squirrels.

And, you know, most of these probably wanted to be coats.

Do health inspectors work on commission? No, bribes.

It's okay to laugh? I was just kidding.

You could eat beans off that floor. But don't, because that'd be a violation.

You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew she'd go in hatless to get it.

You could have your own health inspector detective show.

She would love that... since you know all the clean places to eat.

Shiny. You mind if I wash up? Who knows where these have been?

Larry said that they should call it Vermin's.

You know what Larry would say? He'd say, 'See you ladle.'

This milk is mine. I bought this today... because I was thirsty for milk, you know?

Stop, Larry. Can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy?

I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.

Mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but, you know, whatever.

I really liked that Lamaze class I took.

What would you say, Phoebe? Stuff like: 'Keep your mitts off my grub.'

Someday I'll tell you how I stabbed the cop. He stabbed me first!

First, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg.

It was so funny when you compared Jane Eyre to Robocop.

I'll be spreading joy to the people. Last year I spread a little joy, but not enough. So this year I'm doing the whole city.

They never give a good spot to a rookie... but I'm the only one who can say 'Merry Christmas' in 25 languages. I lied!

Is that a new suede jacket? It looks really expensive. / Yeah. I guess.

Just get your nails done? / Yes, Phoebe, but this is all I have, okay?

You can't take money out. / I'm making change for the bus. / Can't you leave the dollar for the poor? / I'm poor. I gotta take the bus. / Bite me, blondie!

No, that's trash, young lady. You can't— Stop that young lady! She donated trash!

The charity's on fire! Help! Thank you. I need that!

Does this look like a garbage can to you? Does it look like an ashtray? Does it look like a urinal?

No more Mrs. Nice Bucket.

But not totally back. Street Phoebe wouldn't be friends with you guys.

Oh, my God! / That was unbelievable. / See? I told you. / Yeah. Sorry. / I don't believe they're brother and sister. / They're brother and sister?! / I guess you'll have to cancel your date. And call their mother.

What's this? A Canadian coin? Get out of here!

You can leave the 'hurt bunny' look over there too.

That chick can't handle my corner.

I'll give you one pointer. Look out for that bitch.

Ross wants to kiss you at midnight. / So obvious. Why doesn't he just ask?

Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Really? Who have you taught? / Well, I taught me and I loved me.

Hornswoggle? / Oh, this must be killing you.

I don't know the actual names of the chords, but I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them.

So then, this is 'Bear Claw.' Okay, 'Turkey Leg'... and 'Old Lady.'

Ooh. You nailed the Old Lady. Oh! Oh, ha, ha!

Give me your hands. Strings. Pick.

Do you want to learn to play guitar? / Yes. / Then don't touch one!

G-sharp? / G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords?

No, but you're questioning my method. / No, I'm not questioning it, Phoebe. I'm saying it's stupid.

But don't come crying to me when everyone is sick and tired of hearing you play 'Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.'

I can't talk to you. I don't have a fancy ad in the yellow pages.

[Guitar breaks] / Was the chord at least right before...? / No.

I'm gonna go to the airport. If I hang around there long enough... someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.

Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain. Ha, ha.

That's weird. I bet they're doing it.

Did they teach you that in anger management?

Are you still mad about, you know, the Louisiana Purchase?

Duck quacking and rooster clucking conversation

You two would have very hairy children.

Maybe she's with us right now.

We were in the market... and she bent down to get some yogurt and never came back up again.

The last thing she said was: 'You get the eggs, I'll get the yogurt, and we'll meet at the checkout counter.' You know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.

Then who's been dead? Lots of people!

Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. - Thanks. Enjoy your funeral!

He said, um, 'Nice to meet you, Glenda.'

You'd think I'd want to rip his tiny little head off!

As a masseuse and a human... I'm begging you, never do that to anyone.

He does not like it. He's in pain! - No, he's not. - Yes, he is! - What? - I'm sorry but, ow!

If she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.

Yep, lipstick and a daughter. Big day for you.

Aah! Aah! Aah! Chandler and Monica. Chandler and Monica. Oh, my God. Oh, my eyes! My eyes!

I mean, I think it's great. For him. She might be able to do better.

Or we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.

You know, every time they say they're doing laundry... we'll give them laundry to do.

My sexuality.

Watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

You've been working out? Well, I try to, you know, squeeze things.

Well, actually, you're the one person I can't tell this to. And the one person I want to the most.

Oh, no. Have I said too much?

Bye, Chandler. I miss you already.

They don't know that we know they know we know.

She could fit in that little pocket inside the pocket.

Salt, so your life always has flavor. Bread, so you never go hungry. And a scented candle for the bathroom. Because, well, you know.

Mr. President.

Can you believe that guy? / I really like his glasses.

You really should wipe it off with something.

If you want them to like you, why don't you just pay the $100? / The party will cost you more. / That doesn't matter! It's my principles!

I thought it was about your neighbors liking you. / They'll like me once they come to my awesome party.

I'm just the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be.

Okay, my bad.

But you came off as the bad guy. / I told it wrong.

He raised his own hand when I asked, 'Who likes Ross?' And he's wearing two nametags.

Kurt? I thought, abrasive drunk. Lola? Mind-numbingly stupid. You guys. Gold digger, cradle-robbing perv.

Obviously, I didn't think they would throw things.

I thought if I kept insulting them you'd defend them. Then you'd look like the hero.

Could you discover the badge again? I can do better than that.

My friend's been number 11 forever. This could be her year!

Hold it! N.Y.P.D. Freeze, punk! That's right. You are so busted.

Book them. Who are you talking to? Save it, red!

Backup! Backup! I'm sorry! Sorry! Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!

This guy was all: And I'm all, 'Buffay! Homicide!'

I'd better take it back. I'm totally drunk with power.

In fact, I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.

Sipowicz? I don't think so. Yeah. Sipowicz. Yeah. Big guy, kind of bald. I don't know him. Don't try to call him. He's not there. He's out. His partner just died.

I am not going back to that hellhole.

If I go down, you guys go down with me. Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum.

It's so unfair that our date has to get cut short just because some guy shot at a store clerk.

Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer. All right, you go.

He's like this little puppy dog, you know? But like a really tough one who shoots bad guys.

Unwilling to steal from work. Interesting. If anybody gets free stuff, it's me.

One of the old-timers told me there used to be a little tree in there.

Wow, I still don't have my lung capacity back yet.

Cups and ice? I get to be in charge of cups and ice? / All right. Fine. I will be in charge of cups and ice. / I can get ice at the restaurant / I got it!

Cup hat, cup banner, cup chandelier, and the thing that started it all: the cup!

But don't you think it should be called Order and Law?

No, because they arrest the guy and then try him. Yeah. Don't get me started on that.

I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?

Wow, Pheebs, you speak Italian? I guess so.

No. No. You lent me Monica's earrings? I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff. Why not? Because I lose her stuff!

Okay, that is the one we already have.

All right, I already didn't gave them back to you. That's what I said.

Wait a minute, Chandler has a jewelry box? Okay, we have 10 minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?

Do you like it? No. That would be, 'Why are you being cute?'

Oh! I did not get that.

So, you're old and small.

What about these? Do these look the same? Definitely. Not as each other.

Oh, Ross! Look, look! / What? Where? / Right over there! There! Look, look, look! / What am I looking at? / Somebody help me out here.

He let me ride around with him. We saw and prevented crimes.

Really? You? / Yeah. / Well, it's kind of dangerous. / Well, I like danger.

You all know I'm a pacifist, so I'm not interested in war in any way. But when the revolution comes, I'll have to destroy you all. Not you, Joey.

I'll ask you to talk to him!

Because you are so afraid of commitment. You talk to him. Make him scared like you, make him a man.

You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do... and you can't even do that right!

No, if you're not moving forward, you're staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this.

Which is why my answer is yes!

You're not more excited than I am. No way. I'm the most excited.

Plus think of all the money I'll save on stamps.

I heard when people live together... they split the cost of stamps, don't they?

Yes, fine! I am someone!

Let's live in an apartment we both live in.

Gary's such a great guy. You can work it out. He shot a bird. That is over.

Oh, wait. My grandmother's dead.

No, no, her cab. She probably won't be using it.

Ooh, if you take the north route, there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees.

But on the southern route, there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.

Rather sleep with Monica or Rachel? Monica. Oh. I always thought it'd be Rachel.

Extended sequence of Phoebe ignoring Ross

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.

Well, if you don't know, I can't help you. Well, I don't know. Well, I can't help you.

Bye, fat ass.

But I am sorry about the 'fat ass' thing, because you actually have a very sweet little heinie.

Oh, that's my grandma. And thanks, Joey. She's having a really great time.

You know what you should send him? A carton of cigarettes. Because that way he can trade it for protection. No. That's prison.

Why are you mad at me? You said I was boring. Oh.

Remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing. You said I was boring. And then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz.

Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.

Phoebe, could you get that, please? -Why? Just because you're too lazy to get up off your tushy?

Sucker.

You won't ditch me like you did with London. Ditch you? You were pregnant

Las Vegas, 1. London, 0.

Okay, London, 1. This is gonna be a real horserace.

For ninety-nine cents I'd eat you.

Monica had lunch with Richard. -Dawson?

Yeah! Las Vegas! Number one!

Oh, you're so lucky!

And you're Bob Saget.

Dance karate? Yes, it's a deadly... but beautiful sport.

You dirty lurker!

Sells drugs to kids.

My name is Regina Falangie. I'm a businesswoman in town on business.

Let me guess. Um, Pancho Villa.

And you're Bob Saget.

Whoa, what kind of party was this?

Get out of here, you lurker! Go on, get!

And then I'll be on your ass every hour of every day... till Monday... because that's when I go home.

Sells drugs to kids.

Hello. My name is Regina Phalange.

Are you asking me to have a 'frienaissance'?

We've been on the road for 6 hours, and you've been asleep for 5 and a half.

That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!

Are my eyes open? No!

And, you, are you a rapist? No. Do you like car games?

I have your name and the fact that you're a drifter. So ball's pretty much in your court.

That's not fair. You know I can't resist that beautiful voice.

So I will strive to stay awake for as long as I know you. You can still sleep at night and stuff.

Is it a meatball sub? That is incredible! You are the master!

No, thanks. I've already seen one.

Want to hear something weird? Always. I didn't get the annulment.

What? We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. See you later.

Three divorces! Three divorces! Yes, in that high voice.

Don't worry about that. Your tombstone can say whatever you want. It can say, 'Ross Geller: Good at Marriage.'

You know? Mine's gonna say, 'Phoebe Buffay: Buried Alive.'

Rachel is one of my closest friends. But being the only one that knows about this makes me feel special. Okay.

Okay, stop, stop! Phoebe? Hey, Rach! What was that? Sorry. Mix-up.

You'd better hurry. The Angelika! Go!

Oh, look, here's an article about people who marry people and don't tell them. -Really? -Yeah, I'm reading Ross Geller Magazine.

You're pregnant. No! Chandler and I are moving in together.

We were drunk! I would've married Joey with that amount of alcohol. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!

Now he's using this three-divorces reason... because he wants to stay married to her because he loves her. I must say, well done. Bravo, Meg.

I am so attracted to him right now.

So did you get the annulment? I couldn't. I knew it. Because you love Rachel.

I've never been more convinced of your love for her.

So Ross and Rachel got married. Monica and Chandler almost got married. You think we should hook up? Oh, we do. But not just yet.

Well, first Chandler and Monica will get married... and be filthy rich, by the way. But it won't work out.

Then I'll marry Chandler for the money. And you'll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids. Great. But then we ditch them and we get married.

We'll have Chandler's money and Rachel's kids. Getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.

What about Ross? I don't want to go into the whole thing. But we have words and I kill him.

Since I'm moving out, and you're so beautiful... how about I move in with you?

Who's Denise? My roommate. Your roommate? Yes, Denise. Denise!

Because you never listen to what I say. I talk about her all the time. Denise!

-This one? -It worked!

And that's how she ended up living with me.

Okay, that's a lie. -You don't have a roommate. -Denise!

No one ever listens to me!

I know what you're thinking. That she'll move in with you, then fall in love with you, and then... when she finds out you're already married, she'll be happy.

You know? You're just very sad.

I see what this is. You are in love with Rachel! It all adds up! You're obsessed with her. It's always: 'What will you do about Rachel? Why are you moving in with Rachel? When will you confess your secret marriage to Rachel?' You want her!

You know that psychic I see? She told me I'm gonna die this week, so I'm bummed.

She'd say that to you? / You don't believe her, do you? / I don't know. She said that I'd have triplets... but she also said one of them would be black.

Just out of curiosity, did she say how you'd go? / She didn't tell me I'd die till the end of the session. I wasn't gonna waste a whole other hour there! I've only got a week left. I've really gotta start living now!

This is it. This is what's gonna kill me.

How are you feeling? / It's so exhausting, waiting for death.

Preparing you for.. Didn't you think I was dead? Did that not come off? / Yeah, scared the hell out of me. I thought we'd lost you forever.

Hey, maybe you'll die! / Chandler, I'm scared. / No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm out of here sometime before Friday.

Wait. Could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower? / -That's my girlfriend. -Hey, I'm dead!

My reading was wrong. I'm not going to die. / Really? How do you know? / My psychic is dead! She must have read the cards wrong.

Another lie. You have a sickness!

By the way, they're not actually puppies. They're Frank and Alice's triplets.

When I was a kid, my mom used to throw me into a pile of broken glass. / What? / Glass, sand, whatever.

I wonder when you stop putting both legs behind your head. / I can still do that. / How are you still single?

Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun. / Oh, I've been there.

But a doctor won't be able to help him. And it's just gonna... naturally pass through his system in seven years. / I think that's gum. / I'm pretty sure it's gun.

No! What would Krog do?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up. Because, let's face it, we're at Monica's.

I broke it. All right. Well, that's just the way things go.

Now would be a good time for your first words.

It worked! No one's sad!

She's not crying. She's holding it in. She's so brave. Go.

That's nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom.

Bring Monica, and we'll live together! We'll have so much fun!

I think beginner's luck is very important in Cups!

Rachel and Phoebe struggling over who gets which words for their answering machine message

What do I get? I get 'it's,' 'and.' Oh, I'm sorry, I have 'a.' Forget it.

Rachel switches positions then immediately refuses to give up the good words

There's cute guys there. Let's run towards them!

You took all the words! You've met your match, Rachel Greene!

Ankle. We'll see.

People you don't know and will never see again. Yes, but still they are people... with eyes.

I run like I did when I was a kid, because that's the only way it's fun... like when you were running towards the swings or running away from Satan?

The neighbor's dog.

Watch out for the horse.

Does she have a wedding dress?

Good kisser. - What? What? - You kissed him? - Totally.

What am I supposed to do, ask every guy I make out with if he's married? No, yeah, I should.

Oh, wait. 'Ooh, Phoebe, I love you. Kiss me, please.'

He's young, and he's got long hair and a beard and a Hacky Sack...

Why would the copy guy say he's Ralph Lauren? To get you to make out with him. Oh.

Sleep with Ralph Lauren. I'm not gonna sleep with Ralph Lauren. I mean, I could, but I wouldn't.

Ooh. Sleep with Kenny.

Sidney Poitier? / I miss Rachel.

No, I don't want to play video games, Joey!

How you got three women to marry you, I'll never know.

He used to be just 'Jack Geller, Monica and Ross' dad.' Now he's 'Jack Geller, dream hunk.' / I don't know. To me, he'll always be 'Jack Geller walks in while you're changing.'

Did it make you want to walk around in your underwear? / No. / Still not hot enough!

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be that can of condensed milk.

I love Jacques Cousteau!

No, I ate that. / Nope, got it and got yours too.

No. Never do that.

Don't look directly at them!

White Plains. Oh, it sounds like such a magical place.

You bought your sheets at a flea market? Ross come on, you gotta loosen the purse strings a little.

Well this doesn't even smell like opium.

Oh Ross, calm down, I'll give you the 80 cents.

Oh, come on! I think he's ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk.

No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And it's all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I don't have that lamp!

Well are you saying that-that you would move out if-if I didn't buy that lamp? What?! No! I'm not gonna move out! But are you saying that you would move out if I didn't buy that lamp? Oh. Yes! I would so move out!

Yikes!

Sure. Like in the case of this young woman... she has lost her clothes. So she rides naked on the horse, she's crying out, 'Where are they?'

She's not gonna find them, lying in the grass like that.

Rachel. What? I don't know. Me neither.

I know I cracked up, but I'm not even sure I got it. The doctor is a monkey. And monkeys can't write out prescriptions.

The reason I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you... is just, you know, you're... high maintenance. Let's go to lunch!

You write out a list, and we'll go through it point by point. No, you're right, you're easygoing.

That's true, I am flaky. So, what, you're just okay with being flaky? Yeah, totally.

I'm flaky. I'll say anything.

Wow. You know what? That is the best fake speech I think I've ever heard. Really? I've heard better.

Phoebe frantically searching through her purse for gum while everyone waits

Aw. I like cars.

You're just saying that because you're my biggest fan.

Yeah. I could talk them into giving you like $30. No. No way. No. And stop using my name. And shame on you. And shame on all of you. You're disgusting. Especially you, with that.

You're trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint. From porn. Okay? Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie!

Because at that time, I thought that everything that rhymed was true. I thought if I worked with stocks... I'd have to live in a box and only eat lox and have a pet fox.

No. No, no. I said sell when it hits 50! Five-oh! It's a number! It comes after four-nine!

No, it's okay. It's okay. You're allowed one mistake. Just kidding. You are, of course, fired.

What's your name? What kind of name is 'Brindy'? Stop talking. All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.

I can't find my pen. Did you eat that too?

Wait! You didn't sit on my Kit Kats did you? No, there was a little, little dip in the market... and I lost 13 million dollars. But the Kit Kats are all right?

If I were, would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm? -Yes. -Then, yes. That is what I'm having.

Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down. -I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.

You should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine.

Or you could be two stockbrokers, and you're rolling naked on the trading floor... and everybody's watching. -It never happened.

The doctor said that could be one of the side effects. -Put the cigarette out. No, it's not a cigarette. The smoke is coming out of me!

Why do you always wear that dumb hat? What, you late for your paper route? 'Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Here's your paper. I'm sorry about your window.'

People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31. -I know. But if I didn't work there, what else would I do? -You used to like playing the guitar. -That was lucrative. Smart like your brother.

Phoebe, you don't have an office. -I'll work right here. This is good. Next to this plant.

And that is just what I will do Soon as those bastards I worked for Die

What the hell is this, herbal tea? I hate herbal tea!

He should do his research, huh?

So this doesn't count? Anyway, I'll be in my office.

That's all right, I'll work here. This is good, next to this plant.

Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake...

Oh, so this is all about money! Y'know it's bad enough that..

I'm having another heart attack!! Call 9-1-1!!

Dumbass!

Well, they fired me and I'm having heart attack.

It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see... One of them won't do it, but the second one will set you free...