"Friends" The Last One, Part 2

Erica:I think it's just indigestion.

Ross:Yeah, probably. Have you tried some Tums? Maybe stay away from spicy foods for a while.

Erica:Okay, I'll try that.

Ross:Trust me, I'm a paleontologist. I know about digestion. Well, dinosaur digestion, but the principle is the same.

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. Ross, she's pregnant. She doesn't need antacids, she needs a doctor!

Ross:Oh. Right. I knew that.

Ross:I can't believe we're all leaving. I mean, this is it. We're really saying goodbye.

Monica:What?

Ross:I learned some new moves from Sex for Dummies.

Rachel:Yeah, well, I'm literally laughing at you.

Chandler:I'll coach you through the breathing.

Monica:Remember the last time you told me to breathe? You did it in that scary Dracula voice and I couldn't get the image of you as a vampire out of my head for three weeks.

Monica:You're uncomfortable with this social situation.

Monica:Chandler, you're uncomfortable with ALL social situations.

Monica:You'll be fine. You're great with kids.

Monica:Oh my God, what am I saying? You once got lost in a Target.

Chandler:So, do you know what you're having?

Erica:A baby.

Chandler:Wait, wait. You're going to church camp? You might not want to mention the whole... you know, unwed mother thing.

Erica:Why not?

Chandler:Well, I'm just thinking that could be, like, a real icebreaker.

Chandler:You know, I've been thinking about what you're going through right now, and I have to say, I think I know exactly how you feel.

Erica:You do?

Chandler:Yeah. I once got my pants caught in my zipper.

Chandler:No one can experience both labor and getting kicked in the nuts.

Chandler:It's like one of the great unsolved mysteries of life.

Chandler:Okay, so labor is like... like a bag of nuts, right? You think you want them, you buy them, but then halfway through you realize they're too salty and you're not even sure why you got them in the first place.

Erica:You know what? Talking to you is worse than labor and nuts combined.

Ross:You named them Chick Junior and Duck Junior?

Joey:Yeah, they're on this farm upstate. It's great. They're really happy there.

Ross:Joey, there is no farm.

Joey:What do you mean there's no farm? Of course there's a farm! They're on it right now!

Ross:Joey, the chick and the duck didn't go to a farm.

Joey:Yes they did! And visiting hours are on Sundays!

Phoebe:I was so sure you were going to be a girl.

Ross:Well, I'm not.

Phoebe:I know. But you throw like one!

Ross:I don't kiss and tell.

Ross:But let me tell you about last night...

Phoebe:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Everything is so amazing right now! I'm so happy I could just... I could just sing!

Phoebe:♪ Everything is wonderful, and nothing is bad, I'm so happy, it's really really sad, that other people aren't me! ♪

Rachel:Can we just acknowledge that none of this is happening?

Phoebe:The pets almost—

Joey:Dove! A dove flew away from the farm.

Rachel:Look, Ross, last night was amazing, but I need to be honest with you.

Rachel:I see this as closure. We needed this to finally move on, you know?

Rachel:It's not a new beginning for us. It's an ending.

Erica:You know what? I'll tell you what. I will kick you in the nuts, and then you can tell me.

Monica:It's the miracle of life.

Chandler:Yeah, it's a miracle... I'm never having sex again.

Chandler:Oh, what a beautiful baby! So cute, so precious... I'm just gonna go ahead and avert my eyes from the wet, glistening parts.

Monica:Oh my God, it's so slimy!

Monica:Oh, my beautiful baby boy. I'm going to set impossibly high standards that no woman will ever be able to meet, and I'm going to make sure you're never satisfied in a relationship.

Doctor:The other baby will be along soon.

Monica:Other baby? What other baby?

Chandler:Monica... we're having twins.

Monica:WHAT?!

Chandler:Twins? We're having twins? Oh no, no, no. I can't even handle one baby. I'm gonna have to return one of them. 'Hi, yeah, I ordered one baby, this is clearly a two-for-one deal, I'm just gonna...'

Doctor:Did you know it was twins?

Chandler:Well, we knew Monica was pregnant. And then she got more pregnant.

Erica:I didn't know they were twins! I thought you just really liked the name.

Monica:Chandler, you're panicking.

Chandler:Well, could I *be* any more panicked? Come on, panic with me!

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. Twins? We're having twins? How is that even possible? I can barely handle one baby! What am I supposed to do with two?

Monica:Chandler, we'll figure it out together.

Chandler:Together? Monica, I have an idea. What if we treat one of them like a stock option? You know, hold onto it for a few years, and if it doesn't work out, we can sell it?

Chandler:We could split them up. I could take one, Monica could take the other. We'd raise them in different cities, never knowing about each other. Then twenty years later, they'd meet by chance at some fabulous party, and there'd be this instant connection, like 'Who IS this person?' And then we'd reveal the truth and they'd embrace and the music would swell and everybody would cry.

Monica:Yeah, because kings are always looking to adopt babies from New York.

Monica:I don't care if it's three babies. I want a big family!

Chandler:How big?

Monica:Like, seven kids big.

Chandler:Seven?! Monica, that's insane!

Monica:No, actually I want twelve. A dozen kids, Chandler. That's what I want.

Phoebe:You can't give up on Rachel. You're like a paleontologist, right? And Rachel is like a dinosaur that's stuck in tar, and you have to dig her out very carefully.

Ross:That's... that's not really how it works.

Phoebe:Well, you're the expert!

Ross:Wait, why would a dinosaur need motivation?

Phoebe:Because Ross, if you don't motivate the dinosaur, it won't do the thing you want it to do. That's like, basic dinosaur psychology.

Ross:Good luck with the 8-hour flight with a baby.

Rachel:Please, the baby will be the least torturous part of that flight.

Gunther:Rachel, I... I have to tell you something. I'm in love with you.

Rachel:Oh, Gunther... that's... I don't know what to say. You're a really great guy, but I just don't feel that way about you.

Rachel:Gunther, you're a sweet guy, but... I just don't see us that way.

Gunther:But Rachel, I've always been there for you.

Rachel:I know, and I appreciate that. But look, even if I wanted to date you, what would people say? 'Oh, there goes Rachel with the guy with the bleached blonde hair.' I mean, that's more my thing.

Phoebe:You know what might help? A muffin.

Ross:Oh, so now you want me to bake you a muffin like Gunther?

Chandler:Could they be any more cramped in there? I mean, they're literally living in the same apartment. They probably see each other and go, 'Oh great, YOU again.' It's like having a really annoying roommate, except you can't move out because you're literally attached to them.

Erica:You named her after me?

Chandler:Well, we had to name her something.

Erica:You two are going to make great parents.

Erica:And Chandler, you'll be... involved.

Joey:No, that's not the baby. I sat in paint while making the sign.

Phoebe:How can you even compare yourself to Gunther? He's like, way older than you, he's got that whole European thing going on, and he's been working at the same coffee shop for like, ten years.

Ross:So what are you saying?

Phoebe:I'm saying you have nothing to worry about! You're way more... I mean, Gunther's like, really consistent and reliable and...

Ross:Phoebe...

Phoebe:Okay, bad example.

Phoebe:You're going to go to Paris, and Rachel's going to meet some guy. Some really smart, really beautiful guy. And she's going to fall in love with him.

Ross:Phoebe, what are you talking about?

Phoebe:I'm just saying, all the guys in Paris look like Gunther.

Phoebe:Mike, that's beautiful, but... we don't have a baby yet.

Mike:I know, but I wanted it to be ready.

Phoebe:Yeah, but what if we have a girl?

Phoebe:Do you think Monica sounded happy about the surprise?

Phoebe:Because I have this birth defect where I can't hear happiness. My parents had to tell me when they were happy.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. You have three babies?

Monica:Yes!

Ross:But you went in with two...

Chandler:We know.

Ross:So either Monica's a superhero, or you guys accidentally kidnapped a baby.

Monica:Yeah, well, Chandler told her he was a 'funny man.' I'm sure that really helped sell it.

Ross:Jack Bing? That's perfect! *puts on fedora and speaks in 1940s accent* Listen here, sweetheart, the name's Bing. Jack Bing. I'm a hard-boiled detective in a town full of dames and trouble. See, I got a case that'll make your head spin faster than a propeller on a P-51 Mustang. The kind of case that keeps a guy up at night, wondering if he'll live to see another sunrise.

Chandler:I can help you with that. I've done a lot of shoplifting.

Phoebe:Really?

Chandler:No! But I feel like it's a skill I could pick up.

Phoebe:I want to have lots of children and we'll all sing together like the von Trapp family.

Mike:Yeah, but you have to remove the Nazis, and honestly, that's what made the story interesting.

Rachel:I'm gonna miss you guys so much. And I'm really gonna miss watching you guys screw up with the twins.

Rachel:Au revoir!

Rachel:I know, I know, somewhere in France a mime just died.

Phoebe:Hey, it's gonna be okay. You're gonna find someone else who's perfect for you.

Ross:How do you know that?

Phoebe:Because you're a great guy, and any woman would be lucky to have you. Plus, I have a good feeling about this.

Ross:I don't want to get over Rachel.

Phoebe:Oh my God, yes! Finally! I knew you'd figure it out!

Ross:Phoebe, there are no seat belts in this taxi.

Phoebe:Oh, that's okay. If we get in an accident, I'm not staying in the car.

Ross:I want your medallion number!

Fake taxi driver:It's 'Get out of the cab'.

Ross:Did you hit anyone?

Phoebe:An old man on a bicycle, but he got better.

Ross:Ow! But wow, this window is really clean.

Monica:Wait, wait. Do you know what birds do? They poop. Everywhere. On everything.

Joey:Yeah, but they're so cute!

Monica:Joey, we have a baby! We can't have birds pooping all over the apartment!

Monica:Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize floor food was on the menu tonight.

Joey:Oh yeah, I'm a huge outdoorsman. I once went camping in New Jersey.

Chandler:New Jersey?

Joey:Yeah, we stayed at a Holiday Inn.

Joey:I'll destroy the time machine! It's the only way!

Chandler:So how'd the audition go?

Joey:I didn't get it.

Chandler:Oh, I'm sorry. What was the movie?

Joey:It was this sci-fi thing. They said I wasn't 'Action Hero' enough.

Chandler:Well, that's their loss.

Joey:Yeah, well, the movie bombed anyway. It made like two dollars.

Phoebe:We'll make it! Come on, move your ass!

Rachel:I remember my seat number was 32C.

Rachel:32C... that's my bra size.

Rachel:It's like my bra size and my seat number have this weird connection. 34C, seat 12C. It's like the universe is telling me something.

Rachel:And don't even get me started on what happens when I wear my lucky underwear. Suddenly I'm getting upgraded to first class!

Phoebe:We've been together for seven years.

Ross:We're so in love, we're thinking about getting married. In fact, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but Phoebe.

Rachel:See? I told you I had it! I knew I had it the whole time!

Gate Agent:Ma'am, that's for flight 247 to Denver. You're on flight 312 to Boston.

Rachel:Oh my God...

Ross:I don't see her flight on any of these boards.

Phoebe:Yeah, me neither. What airline did she say again?

Ross:United. Flight 447 to Paris.

Phoebe:Hmm, that's weird. I'm not seeing any United flights to Paris.

Ross:Wait, wait. What airport are we at?

Phoebe:JFK.

Ross:Right. And Rachel said JFK?

Phoebe:I... I think she said to pick her up at the airport.

Ross:Oh my God. We're at the wrong airport!

Joey:Don't worry, I'll get those birds out of the foosball table.

Joey:And I'll also remove any tiny pacemakers that might be stuck in there!

Joey:Okay, guys, I'm sorry, but this table has to go. But before it does, I just want to say goodbye to some of my friends here. Pierre, you were a good man. Antonio, I'm gonna miss you. And Table Football, the dream is over.

Chandler:Goodbye, table. You were a good friend. A good friend indeed.

Chandler:I'm gonna miss you the most.

Joey:Dude, what are you doing?

Chandler:I'm saying goodbye to the table. You gotta do it right.

Chandler:You don't just walk away from years of memories.

Chandler:High five, table. You earned it.

Joey:We can't just destroy it!

Chandler:Yeah, we've had some great times on this table.

Phoebe:Oh, for God's sake!

Phoebe:It's just a table!

Phoebe:HYAH!

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait! You can't get on that plane!

Rachel:Why not?

Phoebe:Because I just heard on the radio that all the hair dryers on planes are melting the winga-ma-jig!

Rachel:The what?

Phoebe:The winga-ma-jig! It's a scientific term. It's the thing that keeps the plane from... going down!

Passenger 1:Did you hear? The phalange is missing!

Passenger 2:Missing?! How is that possible?

Passenger 1:I don't know, but apparently it's critical!

Passenger 2:We're all going to die!

Passenger 1:The phalange?! We're doomed!

Passenger 2:I'm getting off this plane!

Passenger 3:Me too! That's the most important part!

Multiple Passengers:We're abandoning the flight!

Joey:Phoebe, what did you do to the foosball table?

Phoebe:Oh, tools are just a crutch for people who don't believe in themselves.

Chandler:Phoebe, you literally just destroyed it with your bare hands.

Phoebe:Exactly. No tools needed.

Joey:Hey, this little guy's kind of cute. You know, in like nine months, this bird's gonna have a bunch of baby birds, and it's not gonna know what hit it. That's gonna be me someday.

Joey:Hey, you know what? I'm gonna get more birds. Like, a lot more birds.

Chandler:Joey, no. No, we said you could keep these two.

Joey:Yeah, but Chandler, think about it. I could have like, a whole aviary in here. Chicks everywhere!

Chandler:Those are literal baby chickens, Joey.

Joey:I know! Isn't it great?

Joey:I'm gonna get a goose!

Chandler:Joey, you already have a chicken and a duck. How many birds do you need?

Joey:It's not about need, Chandler. It's about want.

Chandler:Well, I want a lot of things. I want a pony, I want to go back in time and invest in Apple, but I don't have a goose.

Joey:This is weird, right? The guy hug thing?

Chandler:Yeah, it's weird.

Joey:We could just shake hands.

Chandler:We could do that.

Joey:Or we could just say goodbye and walk away.

Chandler:Yeah.

Joey:Why do guys have to make it so complicated?

Passenger:Is the phalange fixed?

Flight Attendant:The phalange? Yes, the phalange is fixed.

Flight Attendant:We also fixed the left thyroid and we replaced the Captain's old fillings.

Rachel:I got off the plane.

Ross:We're not going to mess this up again. We're going to get it right this time.

Rachel:I know. We're older, we're wiser.

Ross:So... we're good?

Rachel:We're good.

Ross:Because... we were on a break!

Ross:Hey, we were all young once. I was actually a very talented dancer in college.

Chandler:No you weren't.

Ross:Well, okay, I took one class, but I was really good!

Phoebe:Wait, where are we going for coffee?

Monica:Central Perk, where else?

Phoebe:Right, yeah, of course.