The One With The Nap Partners

Rachel:Please let it be me.

Phoebe:Please let it be me.

Monica:You both can't be maid of honor.

Rachel:What if we share the position?

Phoebe:Yeah, like co-maids of honor!

Monica:That's not a thing.

Monica:I love you both so much, and I just want you to know that whatever happens, I'm here for you.

Phoebe:Yeah, yeah, that's great. So anyway, can we order food? I'm starving.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm gonna be a maid of honor! I'm gonna be a maid of honor! I'm gonna be a maid of honor!

Phoebe:But, um, not to diminish anyone else's moment, because you're all gonna be great maids of honor too.

Rachel:Wait, so you're saying you just want us to decide because you don't want to make the choice?

Monica:No, that's not... okay, yes. Yes, that's exactly it.

Stranger:Good luck marrying Chandler.

Monica:Thank you.

Stranger:No, I mean GOOD luck. You're gonna NEED it.

Ross:Joey, you rented Die Hard 1 again. We've all seen this one.

Joey:No, no, no. This is Die Hard 2. I watched the first one yesterday.

Ross:That doesn't make it the sequel.

Joey:Sure it does. First time I watch it, that's Die Hard 1. Second time I watch it, that's Die Hard 2.

Joey:Die Hard!

Ross:Die Hard!

Joey:Chandler?

Joey:No, no, no. You can't leave. What would John McClane do?

Joey:John McClane wouldn't bail on his friends. He'd stay and fight.

Chandler:You need to stop getting so worked up and calling people 'bitch.'

Joey:I'm not worked up, bitch!

Phoebe:I'm gonna marry one of you guys someday.

Rachel:No you're not.

Phoebe:Let me finish my argument.

Rachel:Okay, go ahead.

Phoebe:That's it.

Phoebe:I'm going to marry someone really good.

Chandler:Well, the bar's not that high.

Chandler:So... that was weird.

Ross:Yeah. Really weird.

Chandler:I mean, we're guys. Guys don't... nap together.

Ross:Right. It was just a nap.

Chandler:Just a nap.

Ross:We should probably never speak of this again.

Chandler:Agreed.

Ross:Okay, well, see you later.

Chandler:Yeah, see you.

Joey:Yippee-ki-yay! It's the best action movie ever made!

Monica:Oh great, a cooking show! Finally something educational and wholesome.

TV show:And now, we'll be making a delicious casserole... at our topless carwash!

Monica:What?!

Monica:Or she could have just said 'good luck,' Chandler. That would have worked too.

Chandler:She was beautiful, she had this incredible smile, she wished you luck.

Monica:Oh, so you were looking in a mirror.

Chandler:Well, I went to college, Monica. I dated... I dated people. It's not like I was a monk or anything. Although, let's be honest, a monk probably had better luck than I did.

Monica:Did you break up with your camp girlfriend?

Chandler:Well, we're still together. It's been 16 years, so I'm thinking maybe we should make it official.

Chandler:I'm not fat, I'm... I'm... well, let's just say I'm not seeing my feet without a mirror.

Chandler:Does Julie still feel bad about the breakup?

Monica:An elephant never forgets.

Monica:Phoebe, you're going to be my maid of honor.

Phoebe:Oh my God, really? That's so exciting!

Monica:Yeah, well, there's just one thing. You can't mess this up like you did at Rachel's wedding.

Phoebe:I was pregnant!

Monica:And at Chandler's sister's wedding, you showed up late, drunk, and in a man's tuxedo.

Phoebe:I thought it was a costume party!

Rachel:Phoebe, you can't just lie about being maid of honor!

Phoebe:Why not? It shows I care enough to make something up. That's way more work than just telling the truth.

Rachel:That's not... that's not how this works!

Phoebe:Fine, fine. But when you're giving your speech and you're crying, just remember — my fake stories would've been way better.

Joey:It's like an audition, you know? You go in, you read the sides, you show 'em what you got.

Joey:But here's the thing - I've been auditioning for years, and let me tell you, it is brutal. Do you know how many callbacks I've gotten? Zero. Absolute zero.

Joey:I went to this one audition last week, right? For a hemorrhoid commercial. A hemorrhoid commercial! And I didn't get it. How do you not get a hemorrhoid commercial?

Joey:And don't even get me started on the survival jobs. I've dressed up as a giant salami, I've done shower scenes where I cry... I mean, really cried.

Joey:So my advice to you? Don't act. Don't ever do it. It'll destroy your soul and empty your bank account.

Rachel:We could flip a coin to decide.

Phoebe:No! Coins are against me. They always land on the side I don't want.

Phoebe:Ross, that cologne you're wearing? It's like if a forest had a PhD in chemistry and decided to smell like success.

Phoebe:I'm pretty sure it's illegal in several countries because it's too powerful. Women are literally walking into walls trying to follow the scent.

Phoebe:If they bottled this and sold it, world peace would happen by Thursday.

Joey:That nap was amazing. I've never felt more comfortable with another man in my life.

Joey:Your shoulder, your body heat... it was perfect.

Ross:What do you have to drink?

Joey:Oh, I got some sleep aids, some more sleep aids, and... more sleep aids.

Ross:Joey, that's all sleep medication.

Joey:Yeah, well, a guy's gotta nap.

Monica:Oh my God, I just realized who you remind me of.

Chandler:Who?

Monica:My dad. The way you reject women? It's exactly like how my dad rejected my mom.

Chandler:I do not reject women like your father rejected your mother.

Monica:Yes, you do! You're doing it right now with Julie. You're pulling away, you're making excuses, you're—

Chandler:Okay, okay. So what are you saying? That I have some deep-seated fear of commitment that stems from watching your parents' dysfunction?

Monica:I'm saying that watching you with Julie is like watching a rerun of my childhood.

Chandler:Well, that's... deeply disturbing.

Monica:Do you know why Louis rejected me?

Chandler:Well, I'm gonna guess it had something to do with you telling him your entire life story on the first date.

Chandler:Julie, I'm sorry. I've been a jerk. I'm going to change. I'm going to be a better person.

Chandler:But I have to warn you - the better I become, the more you're going to realize what a terrible mistake you made dating me in the first place.

Joey:Okay, so you got your ones through tens, right?

Ross:Right, and it's simple. A ten is a ten.

Joey:Exactly! And a nine is just one less than a ten.

Ross:Which makes it a nine.

Joey:See? You're getting it!

Ross:So what's a five?

Joey:Well, a five is right in the middle.

Ross:The middle of what?

Joey:Between a one and a ten, obviously.

Ross:Right. So that's why it's a five.

Joey:Now you got it!

Rachel:If you're having cold feet about the wedding, that's totally normal. Just take a deep breath and remember why you're doing this.

Rachel:But also, make sure your fiancé isn't going to run off with someone else, or get drunk and marry a stripper in Vegas, or suddenly decide they're not ready for commitment right before the ceremony.

Phoebe:Oh, you want a drunk uncle? I'll give you a drunk uncle.

Judge:Wow, that was incredibly committed!

Judge:The way you tackled him was so authentic.

Phoebe:Well, I grew up with a lot of uncles.

Rachel:Phoebe, you can't just make a scene like that in public!

Phoebe:Oh yeah? You want to see a scene? I'll show you a scene. I know 47 ways to kill a man with my bare hands.

Rachel:What?

Phoebe:And that's just with my hands. You want to see what I can do with a cocktail sword?

Joey:Hey Ross, what if I told you that I just found out I'm actually a millionaire?

Ross:Well, that would be... statistically improbable given your current employment situation, and I would need to see documented evidence of said funds before accepting such a claim as factual.

Rachel:Hi everyone. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Rachel Green, and I've been Monica's best friend for...

Rachel:Wait, no. That's the worst opening ever. Let me start over.

Rachel:I met Monica when I was 6, and she was already basically a fully formed adult. Then I met Chandler at 25, and he had the maturity of a 6-year-old.

Phoebe:I'm so excited about Monica's wedding. I've been anticipating this moment for so long, thinking about how beautiful it will be, how emotional...

Phoebe:...and then I imagine Monica in that dress, and all I can think about is how hard Monica's gonna get railed on her wedding night!

Joey:Oh yeah!

Chandler:Hi, I'm Chandler Bing. We met at that party?

Julie:Oh! You're Chandler 'The Funny Guy' Bing!

Chandler:Actually, it's just Chandler Bing. The funny guy part isn't really... that's not a thing.

Julie:No, that's what everyone called you. 'Could Chandler BE any funnier?'

Chandler:Oh God.

Chandler:You want to know where 'Skidmark' came from?

Monica:Oh my God, no!

Chandler:I was just going to—

Monica:I don't want to hear it!

Chandler:I'm really sorry about what I said about... you know, your weight.

Julie:My weight? What are you talking about?

Chandler:I just thought... I mean, I assumed you knew why I...

Julie:Oh my God. You broke up with me because of my weight and didn't even tell me?

Chandler:Well, when you say it like that, it sounds bad.

Chandler:Well, I've successfully made things worse. Mission accomplished.

Ross:There are no losers in this competition.

Ross:Well, except Rachel.

Rachel:What?!

Ross:The competition was really close.

Joey:No it wasn't.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I won! Finally! You know what this means? The inanimate objects have ended their grudge against me. We can all move forward now.

Rachel:It's going to be very Phoebe — lots of crystals, maybe some chanting, probably a goat.

Chandler:She gained some weight.

Monica:How much weight?

Chandler:Well, let's just say she's gone from the Miss Universe Pageant to the Miss Universe Pizza Hut.

Monica:Oh my God! That's not funny!

Monica:Okay, maybe a little funny. But still not funny!

Monica:You called me fat at Thanksgiving!

Chandler:I was kidding!

Monica:No you weren't.

Chandler:Okay, fine. But I said it behind your back, so it doesn't count.

Chandler:I was just thinking, you know, relationships are all about compromise and— wait, why do I always say things that make no sense? I literally just watched myself say that and thought, 'that guy's an idiot.' Which is me. I'm watching myself be an idiot in real time. Could I BE any more self-aware about my complete lack of self-awareness?

Monica:Would you love me if I shrank to 2 inches tall?

Chandler:Of course I would. I'd put you in my pocket and take you everywhere with me.

Monica:That's sweet.

Chandler:Yeah, and I'd introduce you to people as my tiny wife. 'This is my wife Monica. She's two inches tall.' And then I'd take you out and show you off at parties.

Rachel:I'm sorry for being such a baby.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you're a baby? I didn't know that! How is that even possible?

Rachel:No, Phoebe, I meant—

Phoebe:Wait, wait. You're not actually a baby? Oh. Oh! You mean like... emotionally!

Rachel:She dressed up as a bride for Halloween, and Wonder Woman was carrying her train.

Phoebe:You've been thinking about this since you were 14.

Rachel:Since I was 10.

Phoebe:Oh my God!

Rachel:Okay Phoebe, I'm gonna be honest with you. Monica's been planning this wedding for like three months, and I've sat through approximately eight thousand meetings about napkin colors and chair arrangements.

Rachel:You're about to enter a world of pain. A world of Monica-level organizational intensity.

Rachel:My advice? Just smile, nod, and pray she doesn't make a spreadsheet about your bridesmaids' shoe sizes.

Chandler:Oh my God!

Chandler:I can't believe it. I'm gonna have to tell everyone about this.

Ross:No, no, no, Chandler, it's not what it looks like!

Joey:Yeah man, we were just napping!

Chandler:Sure you were.