The Butler Did It

Will:Does Barry White want seconds?

Carlton:Like Queen Elizabeth. Dan Quayle. Colonel Sanders.

Will:Wonder you don't sneeze and pop your drawers.

Carlton:I can't count the number of times I've gone swimming right after eating.

Ashley:Even Shelley Winters turned me down.

Will:Could you please call my daddy? He's a lawyer. He'll know what to do.

Philip:I can't say it, because it would be a big fat lie.

Geoffrey:Actually, we'll be reminiscing about Benson.

Geoffrey:Actually, we'll be reminiscing about Benson.

Geoffrey:Get It Your Own Damn Self.

Will:This is a racial thing, right?

Bob Doomie:I'm Bob Doomie.

Philip:And if you recall, the chariot bed didn't need horses to move it across the room.

Philip · Hotel Staff:Well, there's $50 says it isn't. / Thank you, sir, but his $200 says that it is.

Vivian:I'll do my Dance of the Seven Veils. And I didn't bring any.

Philip:Okay, kids, go to the movies.

Will:for a guy that's only been through the tenth grade once.

Will:No, no, baby, these Canadian rules.

Will:and don't come back through here until you're 17 or accompanied by an adult.

Will:All right, either of you ladies speak Latin?

Carlton:Now get your tail over here, pronto. I want it fast and I want it hot. And if it has any pepperoni on it, I'm sending that puppy back!

Hilary:I'm like a mother to these children

Hilary · Carlton · Will:Carlton, haul the brats. / I'm expecting company. / Yeah, I'll put it in the oven for you.

Carlton:Well, you're closest to the floor.

Will:I told you the 'R' didn't mean 'real fast.'

Hilary:I don't know, that's what Dad always says to me.

Carlton:doesn't mean we should act like people without trust funds!

Will:It's not so much my butt, man, it's Uncle Phil's foot coming towards it.

Will:$5,000? Yo, man, I could purchase a new butt.

Director:And action!

Music Video Performer:Yeah, you got that shoe sale, right?

Will:Look, man, this is my house. You wanna be in a video, you go rob a liquor store.

Will:Did I say 'party machine'? I meant Banks residence. Master William speaking.

Will:Carlton's watching an educational documentary on loud music.

Will:That's the television. Your aunt's watching I Dream of Jeannie.

Will:Y'all ain't got to go home, but you gotta get the hell out of here.

Carlton:You ain't got to go home but you got to get the hell out of here.

Carlton:You ain't got to go home but you got to get the hell out of here.

Will:The Titanic sank in one day! The Hindenburg blew up in one day! The entire city of Pompeii was covered in molten lava in one day!

Tyrone · Friend:Well, I'm glad I don't live here. / Boy, I'm glad I don't live here.

Tyrone:Well, I'm glad I don't live here. / Boy, I'm glad I don't live here.

Tyrone · Tyrone:All you need is a little paint, a little elbow grease... everybody pulling together, I'm telling you the place is gonna look dope. / Oh, you know, I plan to, but not here. See, the fly honeys invited me to the wrap party.

Hilary:My God, Geoffrey needs to clean up around here.

Will:I seem to recall a certain little sunshine trooper trying to get her car theft badge.

Will:I seem to recall a certain little sunshine trooper trying to get her car theft badge.

Philip:Because I can't get it out.

Philip · Vivian:Caesar! It's time to invade Alexandria! / Coming, Alexandria!

Carlton:First, take a moment to familiarize yourself with your Buffomatic.

Carlton:Make sure buffer is off before plugging in. / Do not use near water.

Will:Yeah, it's great. But when does the rest of it get here?

Will:Don't let nobody tell you that big people can't wear plaid.

Carlton:What'd you have, a Patti LaBelle nightmare?

Will:Relax, sweetheart. Burt Reynolds does it every morning on his way to work.

Carlton:I'm the idiot.

Will · Carlton:We would have been here sooner, only we were stuck behind some idiot with a flying carpet. / I'm the idiot.

Will:Hey, very good, Carlton. That's the first step: admitting it.

Carlton:which means you each owe me $20.

Will:Well, y'all ready to read the Bible?

Will:I'll get our bags packed. Ashley, you drive.

Philip · Vivian:Caesar! It's time to invade Alexandria! / Coming, Alexandria!

Uncle Phil · Aunt Vivian:Caesar! It's time to invade Alexandria! / Coming, Alexandria!