For Sale By Owner

Geoffrey:Sir, I hate to disturb you during feeding time...

Will:Oh, my God, Uncle Phil, he's got... a business card.

Carlton · Uncle Phil:How much? / Shut up, Carlton.

Carlton · Uncle Phil:How much? / Shut up, Carlton.

Will:I'm going to pack my stuff, all right?

Carlton · Uncle Phil:Let's hope so. / Very funny, Carlton.

Ashley · Will:My father would kill me if he knew I was out with a boy tonight. I told him I was going to church. / The Lord is good.

Ashley · Will:Well, you are pretty slick, Will Smith. / And, I ain't even oiled up yet, you know.

Will:Hey, you know what? You can sell the house. It's the couch that got the memories.

Hilary · Vivian · Hilary:Out where? / To the trash cans. You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car. / Thank God, I thought it was the neighbor's kids.

Hilary · Will:This is gross. I don't touch greasy, disgusting things. / Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.

Hilary:And for your information, dinner comes first.

Carlton · Geoffrey:It was amazing and endless and magnificent. I think I saw God. / Don't stop.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:You'd think in a house this big, a fellow would get a little privacy. / Or stronger doors.

Carlton:If we end up moving into another guesthouse... I'm getting the bedroom this time.

Will:Don't worry, we'll bring a shoebox you can sleep in.

Carlton:I can. How about sharing a jail cell with you?

Will:Well, isn't that the munchkin calling the midget short.

Will · Carlton · Carlton · Will:What are you supposed to be? / My idol, Macaulay Culkin. / And you know why he's my idol? / Why? Because y'all the same height?

Uncle Phil:And to think, I laid out 50 big ones on your damn cake. And not just any cake, I got you that really neat one in the commercials.

Will:Well, how about I'll take 'always embarrassing me' for 500, Alex.

Carlton · Carlton · Will:You're proud of me? You never said that to me before in your life. / Give me a hug. / You see, man, that is exactly why I'll never tell you nothing.

Will:We got some baby Tylenol in the kitchen.

Carlton · Uncle Phil · Will:Yes, there is a God! / Look at you all. Will say something. / Ching, ching!

Will:Ching, ching!

Will · Ashley · Will:Now, listen, Uncle Phil could put that money in the bank, right... and then start getting all kinds of crazy interest. Then it's bonds, and then there's that T-bill stuff... and then they got some certificates, and then junk be compounded. / What are you talking about? / I have no idea.

Ashley:A lot more than you, Carlton.

Robert · Ashley · Robert:Can I blow in your ear? / Why? / I don't know, I heard Will say it.

Will · Carlton · Ashley:Hey, Ashley, you ain't telling me that dude blew in your ear. / Me either. / I embellished.

Uncle Phil · This · Uncle Phil:This is a stick with a snake wrapped around it. / It's a symbol, like Prince. / Prince who?

Will:See, that's exactly why fathers ain't allowed at the mall.

Uncle Phil:It's a symbol for 'get out of my house!'

Will:I think you must have her confused with your mama.

Carlton · Carlton:He says it's time for me to leave the nest, become independent... and have sex with girls. / Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it.

Uncle Phil · Will · Uncle Phil:That life is one big orgy. / I ain't never said... / College is hard work, son... followed by a family, which is even more hard work. And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public. And a wife who won't let you anywhere near her. And a butler who may be the father of your child.

Uncle Phil:You big-eared freeloader! You take your little square-headed cousin here... and you find Geoffrey, and you bring him back... or they'll never find your bodies. And I'm a judge, I can make it happen.

Uncle Phil · Will:All right. All right, so I have an ugly side. / And you could write 'Goodyear' on it.

Will:I ain't no bungee expert or nothing... but I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like that.

Hilary:If I hadn't asked for a special proposal... Trevor would be in my arms... instead of in my purse.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Hilary... Trevor wasn't cremated. / Then who's this?

Geoffrey:Whatever he hasn't eaten.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, go fetch my tools. / You mean your knife and fork?

Vivian:Five months this Tuesday.

Uncle Phil · Will:I weigh the same thing I weighed in high school. / Yeah, if you add up all four years.

Carlton:It's The Donald! Oh, my God!

Hilary:You know, you look much richer in person.

Will:Tell you what, throw in another 50 grand, I'll cut the grass for you every Saturday.

Hilary · Uncle Phil:And all this time I thought our address was 805 Saint Cloud Road. / It is, Hilary.

Trump:It's just as well, it's too much of a fixer-upper.

Will:He'll be the guy carrying the millions of dollars in cash.

Will:Of course, I do hear Des Moines is great this time of year.