Sunday Cruddy Sunday

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:I once did. Then I realized it probably doesn't.

Postmaster:Welcome to your post office

Bart:My post office? Sweet! I'm gonna move my stuff in here tonight.

Comic Book Guy:Ah yes, I see here that Buster Keaton never smiled once during his entire career. What a piker. I haven't smiled since the Clinton administration.

Postmaster Bill:Welcome to the post office. Let me explain our postalistic services.

Lisa:Why do zip codes have those extra 4 digits?

Postmaster Bill:Well, the extra digits allow the government to track your exact location and relocate you at will.

Lisa:That's horrible!

Postmaster Bill:I'm just kidding. But the government does have that capability.

Teacher:Does anyone have any questions about the postal service?

Bart:Yeah, do postal workers really go crazy and start shooting people?

Postmaster Bill:Well, postal workers going berserk and killing people used to be cutting edge back in the '90s, but now it's just so '90s.

Skinner:Well, I'm glad we've put this whole workplace violence thing behind us. Now we can focus on what really matters: school safety.

Postal Worker 1:Alright everyone, it's time for our favorite game!

Postal Worker 2:What are we playing today?

Postal Worker 1:Dead Letter Roulette! We grab a piece of undelivered mail and try to guess what's inside.

Postal Worker 3:This one's from 1987!

Postal Worker 2:I'm guessing... a love letter?

Postal Worker 1:Wrong! It's a summons. You owe child support!

Postal Workers:(laughing)

Bart:Cool! A box of dog food!

Lisa:I got my letter to Santa from when I was eight.

Bart:What did you ask for?

Lisa:World peace.

Bart:And you're still here?

Bart:This coupon book is junk.

Homer:Junk? JUNK?! Bart, do you realize what you're holding? Fifty cents off pudding cups! A dollar off donuts! This isn't junk, this is GOLD!

Bart:Dad, it's just coupons.

Homer:Just coupons?! I'm taking this to work, the DMV, everywhere! Woo-hoo!

Marge:This pizza place is terrible.

Homer:Terrible? Marge, they've got 128 slices in that window!

Marge:But Homer, they're all stale.

Homer:128 stale slices beats 8 fresh slices any day of the week.

Homer:Free foot pain analysis? Sign me up!

Podiatrist:Well, I can see the problem. You need proper arch support and to lose weight.

Homer:Wait, that's it? You're actually going to help me?

Homer:Woo-hoo! With these coupons, I'm gonna paint the town... red!

Homer:Well, actually, I'm gonna save 50 cents on mayonnaise and get a free car wash. Woo-hoo!

Homer:Alright, I'm going on a coupon adventure. I'll get discounts on everything!

Marge:Homer, that's not how coupons work.

Homer:Don't worry, Marge. I've got a foolproof plan. First, I'll stop by the hospital for my annual checkup.

Doctor:Homer, you need a colonoscopy.

Homer:A colonoscopy? Sounds delicious! What flavor is it? Is it like a Squishee? Does it come in Slushy Gulp?

Tire Shop Worker:You hear that? That's a bad wheel bearing.

Homer:I don't hear anything.

Tire Shop Worker:Exactly. That's how bad it is.

Boss:You're fired!

Worker:But why? I was just trying to make an honest living!

Boss:Exactly! You're not scamming hard enough!

Homer:I feel terrible about Frank getting fired. I know! I'll give him my paycheck to make up for it.

Lenny:Homer, that's very generous.

Carl:Yeah, man. Real noble.

Homer:Thanks, guys. I'm a good person.

Homer:Why would I add a tip to an overcharge?

Wally:They sold me on stem lube, wheel bearing grease, and a new transmission fluid.

Homer:Stem lube? Hehehehe.

Homer:I didn't fall for that stem lube thing.

Homer:Hmm, stem lube...

Barney:No bye weeks? That means they play every Sunday. Every Sunday they play, they're gonna die!

Homer:Super Bowl? Only if there's a coupon.

Wally:Homer, I need to talk to you about something serious.

Homer:Oh no, what did I do?

Wally:It's about your inappropriate touching at work.

Homer:But I thought you were recruiting me for something important!

Wally:I was. Stopping you from touching people inappropriately IS important.

Moe:I've been a fan of this team my whole life!

Moe:Ever since they moved here last year.

Barney:Yeah, I got some inside info on the Super Bowl. The team with the most points at the end wins.

Homer:Come on, Lenny, join the club! It'll be great!

Lenny:Nah, Homer, I don't know...

Homer:Just try it once. What's the worst that could happen?

Lenny:Well, okay, I guess...

Homer:See? All it took was me asking three times. That's persistence!

Homer:Hey boy, I got you a job at the plant!

Homer:Woo-hoo! Football trip! I'm gonna see the big game, eat nachos, and yell at the refs!

Marge:Well, while you're doing that, I'll be at the museum attending a lecture on post-impressionist textile restoration.

Homer:Textile... what now?

Marge:It's going to be fascinating, Homer. They're discussing the symbolism of natural dyes in 19th century tapestries.

Homer:Marge, I don't care about culture. Is there any beer left?

Comic Book Guy:Ah, a journey with no women. Finally, we can be ourselves.

All Men:*collective flatulence sounds*

Homer:Go away, you're not real!

Rudy:I'm annoying, I'm irritating, I grate on people's nerves. I'm the perfect fit for your family!

Homer:You're hired!

Marge:It's been such a peaceful weekend.

Lisa:Well, if by peaceful you mean Homer hasn't destroyed anything, Bart hasn't pulled any pranks, and Maggie hasn't shot anyone, then sure, it's been peaceful.

Lisa:Mom, this paint-by-numbers approach is artistically vapid and creatively bankrupt.

Marge:You're right, I'll throw it away.

Marge:Lisa, look at all these wonderful craft options!

Lisa:But Mom, don't these come from animals? What about the poor creatures who had to suffer?

Marge:Honey, it's just a hobby.

Lisa:Just a hobby? Mom, every feather, every shell, every bit of fur represents a life cut short by human greed and indifference.

Marge:Lisa, honey, what about macramé? No? Okay, um... decoupage? Scrapbooking? Pottery? Oh! What about making a nice doily?

Lisa:Mom, those are all so... mom.

Marge:Well, what do YOU want to do?

Lisa:I don't know. Something cool.

Marge:Cool?! Lisa, I've been to the craft store. There is no cool there. There's only acceptance and a glue gun.

Lisa:I don't want to make some silly craft project. I have standards.

Marge:But Lisa, it's fun! We're making a spooky decoration.

Lisa:Spooky? What kind of spooky?

Marge:Vincent Price narrated it.

Lisa:Vincent Price?! Where do I sign up?!

Tour Guide:Last call! Last call for the Kwik-E-Mart!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Bart:We're not at a bar, man.

Tour Guide:I know, but it works!

Homer:I'm sorry about the mess in the bathroom.

Stadium Worker:What bathroom? This is the parking lot.

Ned Flanders:Well, I'd love to go to the Super Bowl, but gosh diddly darn it, what if it falls on a Sunday? I might miss church!

Reverend Lovejoy:And Lord, we pray for the Jacksonville Jaguars, a nomadic team with no permanent home. Guide them on their eternal journey, Oh Lord, as they search for a city that will have them.

Bart:Wow, the oldest surviving player! That's amazing!

Player:Yeah, I'm 53.

Homer:Ned, can I borrow your dune buggy?

Ned:Well, I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Homer. You see, I'm not insured for...

Homer:Shut up, Flanders. You're lending me the dune buggy.

Homer:Excuse me, pardon me, coming through! I'm with the band!

Bystander:What band?

Homer:Uh... Foreigner. Yeah, I'm their... uh... fourth guy.

Bart:Dad, I can't believe Dan Marino threw me a pass!

Homer:Dan Marino? Huh, I thought that was for me.

Homer:Woo-hoo! I got it!

Marge:Oh Lisa, this egg project is absolutely egg-cellent!

Lisa:But Vincent Price wouldn't endorse an inferior product!

Homer:He's dead, Lisa.

Lisa:He's still a vampire!

Lisa:Mom, it's a 30-year-old product. The company probably doesn't even exist anymore. And if they do, they're not going to send you parts for free.

Vincent Price:Hello, you've reached the home of Vincent Price.

Lisa:But Mr. Price, didn't you die in 1993?

Vincent Price:Yes, but I'm still taking messages.

Lisa Simpson:I thought you were dead.

Vincent Price:Death is but a doorway, time is but a window. I'll be back.

Vincent Price:Thank you for calling. Your patronage has been most... appreciated.

Vincent Price:May the shadows follow you... to your next... shopping destination.

Marge:Wait, are you saying you're dead or alive?

Vincent Price:I'm merely existing in the space between life and death, a phantom—

Marge:Yes or no?

Sea Captain:Ahoy! You scurvy dog! Scalping tickets to me precious maritime exhibition? That be piracy on the high seas of commerce!

Sea Captain:I'll have ye swabbing the deck of me boat faster than ye can say 'Davy Jones' locker,' or I'll keelhaul ye from here to Shelbyville!

Security Guard:Let me see your ticket... This is a picture of a ticket.

Homer:Well, yeah. I laminated it myself.

Security Guard:You can't just laminate a drawing.

Bart:What about this one? I printed it on fruit leather.

Security Guard:That's worse. It's also sticky.

Lisa:I attempted to write mine in invisible ink.

Security Guard:I can't see anything.

Lisa:Exactly. It's working.

Marge:I made mine out of my own hair.

Security Guard:Okay, you can all come in. This is too much work.

Security Guard:Oh no, the tickets are printed on crackers!

Security Guard:I better eat the evidence.

Homer:The guys will be so crestfallen.

Lenny:Crestfallen? They're gonna be furious! They're gonna kick your ass!

Homer:Please, I need your help! I'll do anything!

Scalper:Look, Homer, I can't. It's not you, it's me. I've got too much going on right now.

Scalper:My ex is still in the picture, I'm not emotionally available, and frankly, I don't think I'm ready for this kind of commitment.

Homer:But... we're not dating!

Scalper:I know. That's how messed up I am.

Dr. Hibbert:Well, as a doctor, I should help that poor fellow... but as a fan, I say let him suffer!

Announcer:The Catholic Church: Now with 23% fewer rules!

Pope:We've streamlined the sacraments and removed the DRM from your soul.

Announcer:Available in Papal White and Cardinal Red. Indulgences sold separately.

Homer:Mmmm... sacrilicious.

Comic Book Guy:Well, logically, the real jail bars would have to be made of steel, so I'll just use this magnet to determine which is real.

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Jail. Escape. Ever.

Homer:That's a touchdown! I can tell by the way the crowd sounds.

Ned:Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a tee time at the golf course, and then I'm taking the family to see the game live. Boy, it sure is a beautiful day for sports!

Ned Flanders:Well, I suppose I've been a bit of a Ned-do-well in this situation. Heh-diddly-diddly, seems like I've really stepped in it with the good Lord's blessings. Yep, old Neddy's really made a mess of things, and I've got no one to blame but myself-a-rooney. Diddly-doodly, I sure am a fine example of how not to conduct oneself in the eyes of the Almighty.

Homer:Hey, you! Cleaning lady! I need your help with something.

Dolly Parton:Well hello there, sugar. I'm Dolly Parton.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can you help me or not?

Casual mention of European Dollywood theme park

Homer:Don't worry, I know exactly where we're going.

Lenny:Really? Where?

Homer:I have no idea.

Rupert Murdoch:You're trespassing in my skybox. I'm a tyrant, you know.

Homer:Wait, wait, wait! Can't we work something out here? I'm a paying customer!

Murdoch:No. Out.

Homer:But sir, I have rights! I can appeal to—

Murdoch:I own the appeals court now too.

Player:We're going to Disney World!

Wally:Actually, you'd be better off going to Branson, Missouri. It's much cheaper, and the hotels have complementary continental breakfast.

Clinton:Homer, I'm calling to congratulate you on being the only man to ever win a Pulitzer Prize while sitting on the toilet.

Homer:Well, Mr. President, we all have our special places.

President Clinton:Hello? Hello? Mr. Simpson, are you there? Hello?

President Clinton:Marge, I think he hung up on me.

Marge Simpson:Oh my God.

President Clinton:Nobody hangs up on the President of the United States!

Carl:Hey, you know what? I'm gonna donate my Super Bowl ring to the Springfield Orphanage.

Homer:That's the most generous thing I've ever heard!

Lenny:Yeah, Carl, you're a real saint.

Carl:Well, it's the right thing to do.

Moe:I feel like a real jerk now.

Homer:Me too. All I did was eat donuts today.

Wally:You know Homer, you'd make a great travel agent. You've got the wanderlust!

Homer:Wanderlust? I don't even have regular lust anymore.

Wally:Well, you'd really help people get away from it all. You could say you'd be their... escape route!

Homer:Escape route? That sounds like work.

Sports Commentator:And that concludes our analysis of this episode's complete failure to deliver on its initial premise.

Pat:This episode is just a rip-off!

Pat:You're treating The Simpsons like a disappointing sports franchise.

Homer:Wait a minute. Vincent Price as a bus driver? That makes no sense.

Homer:But I'll go with it.