Homer To The Max

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Alright family, we need to prepare for the mid-season premiere. First, we lock the door so no one can bother us.

Marge:That's very thoughtful, Homer.

Homer:Second, we unplug the phone.

Bart:Good thinking, Dad.

Homer:Third, we tape a sign to the window that says 'Do Not Disturb.'

Lisa:What about the dog?

Homer:We chain Santa's Little Helper to the radiator.

Bart:Dad!

Homer:And we beat the cat with a newspaper.

Archie Bunker Parody:Now look here, you... uh... vertically challenged individual of unspecified ethnic origin. Back in my day, we could say what we meant without some college-educated meathead telling us we're offensive.

Archie Bunker Parody:But nowadays I gotta watch every word. Can't call 'em what they are without some sensitivity coordinator breathing down my neck. So I'm supposed to say 'follicly challenged' instead of bald? That's not progress, that's just lying with extra steps!

Archie Bunker Parody:The worst part? I still sound like the same old Archie, just with a thesaurus up my... well, I can't say that anymore either.

Homer:Networks love animation because they can use the same jokes over and over again, and nobody complains.

Homer:Okily-dokily, that's not very neighborly! *in Ned Flanders voice*

Lisa:This is the worst thing I've ever seen on television.

Homer:But you're watching it.

Lisa:I know! That's what makes it so ironic!

TV Criminal:Alright men, here's the plan. We'll use a helicopter to lift the entire bank building and fly it to Mexico.

TV Criminal:Nobody will ever suspect that we stole the whole building.

Criminal 1:Oh no, the cops are coming!

Criminal 2:Wait, those aren't regular cops...

Criminal 1:Those are Police Cops!

Criminal 2:We're doomed. They're somehow worse than regular cops.

Homer:Nothing is better than Police Cops.

Lisa:Dad, what about the Renaissance?

Homer:Eh, Police Cops is on.

TV Homer:Case closed. Elementary, my dear Watson. The perpetrator's modus operandi was transparently pellucid, their felonious machinations rendered asunder by the inexorable march of deductive reasoning. Verily, I have once again demonstrated my unparalleled acumen in the investigative arts. Egad.

Homer:Wait a minute... that guy's name is Homer Simpson too!

Homer:D'oh! That's me!

TV Homer:Well, I'm not a millionaire. I'm just a guy who fights crime.

Unknown Character:You mean you hate crime?

TV Homer:Yeah, that's what I said.

Bart:Dad actually caught a bullet with his bare hands!

Lisa:No he didn't, Bart. He just picked it up off the ground.

Marge:Lisa! Why would you say that? Homer caught that bullet. I saw it with my own eyes.

Lisa:Mom, you were in the other room.

Marge:Well, I'm choosing to believe Homer's version of events.

Marge:Well, like when someone's name is so perfectly suited to what they do. For example, there's a jewel thief named Sticky Fingers McGee.

Homer:Wow, that's amazing!

Marge:And a bank robber named Jimmy Two-Times.

Bart:What about that guy who keeps stealing copper wire from the power plant?

Marge:Oh yes, Sparky the Kleptomaniac.

Homer:Hello? Is this about my Grammy?

Moe:Homer, it's Moe. Listen, I'm calling about that song you recorded.

Homer:Oh yeah, 'Baby On Board'? I'm the original, baby!

Moe:Homer, that song came out in 1990. You recorded yours last week.

Homer:Well, I'm the *original* original!

Homer:Hello?

Marge:Homer, it's me.

Homer:Oh... hi Marge.

Carl:Hey Homer, can I get your autograph?

Homer:Sure, Carl.

Carl:Thanks! Wait... you just signed my name.

Homer:D'oh!

Carl:Homer, you signed this autograph to the wrong person. It says 'To Lenny.'

Homer:Oh, well, maybe I was thinking of "Carl" that day.

Moe:Hey Homer, is that character on TV based on you?

Homer:You bet it is! I came up with the whole thing - the stupid laugh, the beer belly, the way he says 'D'oh!'

Moe:Homer, that character is a space alien.

Homer:Exactly! I invented that too!

TV Homer:He completely reversed the premise of the program

Barney:Hey, Homer's not stupid! He's fat and stupid.

Homer:Well, you see, that character isn't stupid. He's part of an international idiot gang. They have meetings and everything. Secret handshake and all that.

Homer:I'm thinking about joining myself. The initiation is you have to do something really dumb in front of everyone.

Homer:I've already got my outfit picked out.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I'm not just an actor playing a stupid guy. I have dignity! I have self-respect!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:That's it! I'm leaving this bar forever!

Homer:*crashes through floor*

Moe:Well, that was quite an exit.

Barney:Yeah, really drove home the point.

Lisa:Dad provides comic relief. He's like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, except instead of 'I love the smell of napalm in the morning,' it's 'I love the smell of donuts in the morning.'

Homer:I'm going to act sophisticated and distinguished.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Oh no, my fondue!

Lenny:Don't worry Homer, people treat it like the TV show with catchphrases.

Homer:I'm leaving! This is too embarrassing!

Marge:Homer, Maggie is sick!

Homer:I don't care! My ego is more important!

Homer:Wait, don't let her die while I'm gone!

Comic Book Guy:Worst. Catchphrase. Ever.

Fan:Can I get a photo with you?

Homer:Sure!

Fan:Wait, it didn't come out. Take another one!

Homer:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Homer:Why is that cloud laughing at me?

Lisa:Dad, it's just a cloud.

Homer:Oh sure, that's what YOU'D say if you were in on it!

Bart:In on what, man?

Homer:The conspiracy! Look at that tree — it's mocking me with its branches!

Lisa:Dad, trees don't mock people.

Homer:Not with THAT attitude!

Homer:That weird-looking kid? Wait a minute... that's my son!

Producer:We were afraid to cast an unknown actor in the lead role, so we decided to combine three established franchises into one show to guarantee success.

Producer:It's basically 'Game of Thrones' meets 'The Bachelor' meets 'Antiques Roadshow.'

TV Producer:We're facing some serious competition.

TV Producer:We don't even know who it is.

Homer:Well, you should panic anyway!

Producer:Well, you see, the original concept for Badge Patrol was that the officers would fight crime on Mars using telepathic dolphins.

Producer:Look, we stand by our characters. They're complex, nuanced individuals.

Homer:My son's been missing for three days!

Producer:It's called dramatic tension. The audience loves it.

Homer:He's eight years old! Please, just tell me where Bart is!

Homer:Please, I'm begging you. Have some dignity.

Bart:Dude, you've gotten way worse than that.

Homer:I could change my name to something cool like... Rooster.

Homer:Or Maverick.

Homer:Or Thrillho!

Homer:Or... Max Power!

Judge:Mr. Simpson, of all the elaborate names presented, you managed to spell only one correctly.

Homer:Which one?

Judge:Homer.

Homer:I've adopted a new personality. I'm rude, I'm crude, I'm socially unacceptable.

Homer:And you know what? It's working out great!

Grampa Simpson:Back in my day, the Simpson name meant something. My great-grandfather once saved an entire town from a wildfire by riding his mule through the streets warning everyone.

Homer Simpson:Dad, that's not even close to what happened.

Grampa Simpson:Well, actually it was a mule that saved me during spring break in Reno. Heroic animal. Probably in a museum somewhere now.

Marge:Homer, I'm worried about that tattoo of my name on your... well, you know.

Homer:Oh, that? Don't worry, Marge. I can just use some acid to get rid of it.

Marge:Acid?! Homer, that's dangerous!

Homer:Nah, I'll be fine. It's just a little acid.

Homer:Cuddling is like extreme sports. You gotta commit 100%, throw your body into it, and hope you don't break anything.

Homer:There's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.

Bart:Isn't that the wrong way?

Homer:Yeah, but faster!

Homer:There's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.

Lisa:Isn't that just the wrong way?

Homer:Yeah, but faster.

Mr. Burns:You're unforgettable, Simpson.

Homer:Really?

Mr. Burns:Yes, Sampson. I'll never forget you.

Homer:It's Simpson.

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, that's what I said.

Homer:I want my monogram to have my full name: H-J-S!

Marge:But Homer, that's three letters. A monogram is usually just initials.

Homer:I don't care! Every letter is important. H is for Homer, J is for Jay, and S is for Simpson. Without the J, I'm just H-S, which sounds like I'm hissing at people!

Homer:Actually, wait... I'm already Simpson. So that's H-Simpson. And without the J, I'm just... Homer Simpson. Which is fine, actually. Never mind.

Homer:Wow, Trent Steel? That's the coolest name I've ever heard!

Trent Steel:Thanks. It's actually from a dryer and a can of beans.

Homer:What?

Trent Steel:My dad combined 'Trent' from a Kenmore dryer and 'Steel' from a Brawny paper towel can.

Trent:Hey Homer, you ever been to that Thai place down the street?

Homer:Thai? Oh yeah, I got a bunch of ties at home. Some with little ducks on 'em.

Homer:Well, he's got this thing where he takes the money from one guy and gives it to another guy, and then... uh... I think there's a guy in the middle somewhere who gets a cut. It's called... uh... 'business.' Yeah, that's it. I don't really understand it, but I know I'm smarter than him.

Homer:Wow, look at this fancy house! You know what this place needs? I'm going to spell everything with letters. Like, instead of saying 'couch', I'll say 'C-O-U-C-H'. Revolutionary!

Marge:Homer, that's just... spelling.

Homer:Exactly! Why didn't anyone think of this before?

Ed Begley Jr.:I've installed solar panels on my entire house!

Homer:Wow, that's great, Ed. What do they power?

Ed Begley Jr.:Well, this toy pinwheel.

Homer:That's it?

Ed Begley Jr.:Well, and it's completely silent.

Marge:Oh Homer, this party is going to be absolutely wonderful! The champagne, the orchestra, the elegant guests...

Homer:Yeah, yeah. Is there gonna be food?

Party Guest:Is that Lorne Michaels over there?

Party Guest:Yeah, let's go talk to someone else.

Homer:So I went to this restaurant called 'The Krusty Krab'...

Homer:And I spent the whole time waiting for an actual crab to come out and fight me!

Homer:So I went to this new restaurant called 'The Elbow Room.'

Homer:I thought it meant you could relax and stretch out, you know? So I took off my shirt and put my elbows on the table.

Homer:Turns out it's just a regular restaurant. But the manager loved it! He said I was a natural!

Party Guest:Ha! That's hilarious!

Clinton:I need to get to the toolshed immediately.

Aide:Mr. President, what's wrong?

Clinton:Never mind that. Just tell the press I'm working on... infrastructure.

Clinton:And if anyone asks, I was giving detailed directions to the shed. Very detailed directions. To a young intern.

Host:We're blessed with privilege and it comes with responsibility to help those less fortunate.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, responsibility... Mmm... donuts.

Homer:That's great, but where's the free beer?

Homer:I'm not listening to any more of this tree-hugging nonsense! Trees are just taking up space!

Homer:And don't even get me started on those spotted owls. More like spotted pests!

Homer:The only thing I want to give back is my trash!

Ed Begley Jr.:This vehicle is powered entirely by smugness.

Marge:Well, Lenny's New Year's party was even worse. He didn't have a single ball to drop.

Lenny:I was gonna use one of my balls, but I couldn't find it.

Chief Wiggum:Eddie, I want you to swab his eyes with mace.

Eddie:Swab his eyes, Chief? I don't understand the technique.

Chief Wiggum:Just do it, Eddie. And when you're done, do Marge.

Chief Wiggum:He's just a little excited. Hey Begley, you want another blast of the mace?

Officer Eddie:Yeah, Chief, he's been asking for it!

Chief Wiggum:Well, if you insist... *sprays mace* There ya go, Begley. You know, I think he actually enjoys this.

Chief Wiggum:Oh no! My car! She was three days away from retirement!

Officer Eddie:Chief, what about me? I'm two days away from retirement!

Chief Wiggum:Sorry Eddie, the car's more important.

Homer:I changed your name to Chesty LaRue.

Marge:You did WHAT?!

Homer:What about... Pukahontas?

Homer:We could name him Bart.

Marge:That's your name.

Homer:We could name him Bort.

Marge:That's not a real name.

Homer:We could name him Bobo.

Marge:That's a monkey's name.

Homer:We could name him Melons. Just two big beautiful melons.