Wild Barts Cant Be Broken

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Announcer:And here's our new left fielder, Dennis Conroy!

Announcer:He was demoted from the majors for multiple drug violations.

Announcer:Lucky for us!

Homer:Never love anything, Lisa. It'll only break your heart.

Lisa:What about me, Dad? Do you love me?

Homer:Of course I do, sweetheart. Well, as much as a man can love anything. Which is to say, not much. Especially not you.

Marge:You should support the team even if they're losers.

Homer:Hmm.

Homer:Well, that's it. His career is over.

Lisa:Dad, he just threw one pitch.

Homer:Yeah, and it sucked.

Dennis Conroy:He's an illegitimate great grand bambino.

Dennis Conroy:I'm pointing to where I'm going to hit this home run!

Homer Simpson:Oh no, he's pointing at Timmy! He's going to hit the ball right at the dying child!

Bart:Am I dying?

Marge:No, Bart, you're not dying.

Bart:But the man on TV said...

Marge:You're fine, honey.

Bart:Are you sure I'm not dying?

Marge:Yes, Bart, I'm sure.

Bart:But what if—

Marge:Bart, you are not dying!

Homer:Who won the game?

Marge:The Dolphins lost.

Homer:Wait, if they lost, how did they win?

Marge:No, Homer, they lost the game.

Homer:Oh! Hahahaha! Losers!

Homer:Yeah, well maybe we'll make the playoffs... right after I win the lottery, get struck by lightning, and become a astronaut.

Marge:Homer, that's the third time this week you've said something like that!

Homer:What's all the excitement? Did Moe commit suicide?

Barney:Well, we got a new coach who's really whipped us into shape. Plus, someone's been taking out the other team's best players from the bleachers.

Homer:I'd like to thank Jesus for this award.

Homer:And Marge, too, I guess.

Homer:You're all a bunch of losers!

(corrected that they won)

Homer:Woohoo! That's my team! You guys are the greatest!

Homer:Hey, nobody ate the rumaki!

Lenny:Rumaki?

Homer:Yeah, it's got liver!

Lenny:Blecch!

Homer:More for me!

Barney:I'll take some!

Homer:No! Noooo! That's my rumaki! Noooo!

Barney:Who's on first?

Patron:What's on second?

Barney:I don't know!

Patron:He's on third!

Barney:Touchdown!

Lisa:Dad, what have you been doing all day?

Homer:Uh... nothing, sweetie. Why do you ask?

Lisa:No reason. Just curious.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Chief Wiggum:We have no suspects.

Chief Wiggum:But we are, however, jumping to conclusions.

Chief Wiggum:Alright, we're gonna enforce the new curfew. Anyone caught on the streets after 10 PM will be shot on sight.

Chief Wiggum:Well, actually, we'll just... we'll give 'em a warning first.

Homer:Kids today don't get what they deserve. Back in my day, if you vandalized something, you got a good beating.

Homer:Now they just... wait, what happened to my car?!

Homer:You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you... so just shut up!

Homer:Kids aren't innocent! Look at the word 'adultery' — it's right there in the name!

Bart:Dad, that's not what adultery means.

Homer:Well, you're not old enough to learn about it yet anyway.

Chief Wiggum:Achtung babies!

Chief Wiggum:Let me see your ID.

Dr. Hibbert:Chief Wiggum, it's me, Dr. Hibbert.

Chief Wiggum:Well, the mustache fooled me for a second there.

Dr. Hibbert:Hehehehe!

Marge:We could play some of those old board games. There's Monopoly, Scrabble, Clue...

Homer:Boring! What about Bankrupt and Homeless?

Bart:Or Cancelled Chemotherapy?

Lisa:I prefer Societal Collapse and Mutual Assured Destruction.

Marge:Let's just play Candyland.

Bart:Well, let's see what we got here.

Lisa:Oh great, another boring board game.

Bart:Wait, where's the main piece?

Lisa:It's missing.

Bart:Of course it is.

Milhouse:I have to talk to my mom all night.

Milhouse:She has some really scary problems.

Marge:Well, after you turn 30, your metabolism slows down and the pounds just add up.

Lou:Wow, Chief, that's some expensive equipment for enforcing the curfew.

Chief Wiggum:You gotta spend money to make money, Lou.

Lou:But Chief, you're a police officer, not a businessman.

Chief Wiggum:Exactly! Now we're gonna make a killing out there tonight.

Homer Simpson:They're robbing us of our manhood!

Barney Gumble:We should call the police!

Lenny Leonard:Yeah! I want to file a report. My manhood was stolen.

Police Officer:Did you see who took it?

Lenny Leonard:No, but it was taken right off my body.

Police Officer:Alright, we'll put out an APB on a disembodied manhood. Anything else?

Movie Narrator:For centuries, the evil was contained... locked away in a vault beneath the studio lot. But then came the corporate takeover.

Movie Narrator:New management, new policies, new... negligence.

Movie Narrator:The vault was left unsecured. The seal was broken. And now... it walks among us.

Bart:So Milhouse, how was that scary movie?

Milhouse:Oh, it wasn't so bad.

Milhouse:AAAAHHHHHHH!

Skinner:Life insurance? At a movie theater? Now that's what I call a value-added service!

Concession Worker:It's free with any ticket to a horror film.

Skinner:Free? Well, I'd be a fool not to take it. After all, I'm a man of modest means. If something were to happen to me, at least my estate would be protected.

Concession Worker:So you want the insurance?

Skinner:How much is the payout?

Skinner:But according to section 4.2 of the policy, the coverage is limited to...

Edna:Seymour, we're here to make out, not analyze insurance.

Movie Child 1:We can read your mind...

Movie Child 2:We know what you're thinking...

Movie Child 1:We see your darkest fears...

Movie Child 2:We know about the time you cried during a diaper commercial...

Movie Child 1:We know you pretend to laugh at your boss's jokes...

Movie Child 2:We know you've worn the same underwear three days in a row...

Bart:Wait, is this Shakespeare?

Homer:No boy, it's a slasher film.

Bart:But they're all talking like they're in some fancy British production.

Lisa:The accent doesn't make it literature, Bart.

Bart:Aw man, and here I thought I was finally getting some culture.

Movie Children:We know all your secrets! Mr. Burns once wore a corset to a cotillion in 1887!

Mr. Burns:That's a lie! It was 1886!

Bart:Yeah! Kill the adult!

Lisa:With a pitchfork!

Ralph:Stab the fishwife!

Chief Wiggum:Now listen up, you little punks. Crime doesn't pay, and if you don't believe me, just ask my officers here.

Chief Wiggum:They'll tell you that breaking the law is the worst decision you can make in your life.

Eddie:That's right, Chief.

Chief Wiggum:So if any of you thinks you're tough enough to—

Chief Wiggum:Oh my God!

Chief Wiggum:Eddie, put the gun down! You're scaring the children!

Chief Wiggum:Alright, you kids are gonna clean up this mess as punishment. And I want it spotless—clean enough to eat off of. In fact, clean enough that I could use it as a napkin for my jowls.

Chief Wiggum:Now kids, I want you to learn from this punishment.

Chief Wiggum:Of course, kids never learn anyway.

Bart:Alright guys, we're gonna expose all the embarrassing stuff our parents do.

Milhouse:My dad cries when he watches nature documentaries.

Nelson:My mom pretends to be sick so she doesn't have to go to work.

Bart:My dad once ate an entire box of donuts and blamed it on Santa.

Milhouse:Wait, my dad doesn't actually work at the plant. He just sits in the bushes all day.

Nelson:My mom... my mom embezzles money from her job.

Bart:My dad admitted he only married my mom because she was pregnant... with Ralph.

Bart:We could put all our secrets on the Internet!

Lisa:Bart, the Internet is just a place where people whose opinions don't matter can reach other people whose opinions don't matter.

Homer:Two hundred channels and all I get is cats!

Homer:Wait, that's actually pretty good.

Marge:A TV critic said the writing on shows these days is just part of a complete breakfast.

Bart:Chief Wiggum wears SpongeBob SquarePants underwear!

Ralph:Me too!

Homer:Heh heh, well, we all have our things. I mean, I like to wear Marge's sunglasses sometimes when she's not looking. Heh heh.

Bart:Dad, we know about your secret.

Marge:Homer, what have you done?

Homer:Okay, okay... I have a problem. I eat donuts.

Homer:Whew, I think that's finally over.

Marge:Homer, there's more.

Homer:Oh no!

Lisa:My boyfriend's name is Pyro.

Bart:My boyfriend's name is Gyro.

Lisa:Wait, that's just a sandwich.

Bart:Yeah, well at least mine comes with tzatziki sauce.

Professor Frink:I've configured a sophisticated array of quantum-entangled positional sensors with real-time triangulation algorithms to monitor the trajectory and velocity vectors of the juvenile subjects.

Professor Frink:By-ye-ye!

Professor Frink:Well, you see, by utilizing a series of electromagnetic waves oscillating at specific frequencies, combined with a heterodyne receiver circuit, you can achieve radio transmission across considerable distances.

Professor Frink:But yo, that's how we be viving on the airwaves, fo' shizzle!

Chief Wiggum:Now kids, there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm here to protect you.

Lou:Yeah, and if any of you little punks try anything funny, I'll break your legs.

Kent Brockman:This is Kent Brockman reporting live from the scene... well, actually from my home, due to the new senior citizen curfew.

Kent Brockman:This just in: the curfew has been expanded to affect almost all adults in Springfield, effectively trapping me here at the station. Well, I suppose I'll just have to file my reports from inside this news desk until further notice.

Marge:Homer, your vote was the deciding factor! The curfew passed by one vote!

Homer:So? I vote for a lot of things. Last week I voted for Krusty to get his own talk show, and look how that turned out.

Marge:But Homer, this is different. You're responsible for this law affecting the entire town!

Homer:Marge, Marge, Marge... if I was responsible for everything I voted for, I'd never have time to sit on the couch and drink beer.

Old Man:Help! Help! They're taking back the night from me!

Old Man Jenkins:Hey! Who kicked my pills?!

Old Man Jenkins:That's it, I'm calling my lawyer! Do you know how much those pills cost?

Old Man Jenkins:I'm gonna sue! I'm gonna sue for pain and suffering, emotional distress, and the inconvenience of having to pick them all up off the ground!