Mom And Pop Art

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Homer, other men do housework. Why can't you?

Homer:Because I'm different, Marge.

Marge:Different how?

Homer:Well... I'm lazy.

Marge:Homer, we need to take down these hostage ribbons. They've been on the tree for months.

Homer:But Marge, if we take them down, how will the hostages know we care? We have to keep them up until they come home.

Marge:Homer, there are no hostages anymore. They were released.

Homer:Exactly! And that's why we need to keep the ribbons up. To remind them that we remembered them while they were gone.

Marge:Homer, you still haven't fixed the kitchen sink, cleaned out the gutters, or taken out the recycling.

Homer:Marge, I've been very busy.

Marge:Busy doing what? And there's a snake living in the piano.

Homer:Marge, do you realize what you've done? You've ruined my Saturday! My one day to relax, to be at peace, and you've destroyed it!

Marge:Yup!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Aaaaahhhhh! Oooohhhhh! Noooooo!

Ned:Well, I'd say someone's got a case of the Mondays, but it's Wednesday.

Homer:You're old.

Homer:You're just a lazy bum!

Grampa:I am not! I work hard every day.

Grampa:You know why? To impress Mom.

Homer:Mom? Dad, that's your coworker!

Grampa:I know.

Homer:Where would the bolt cutters be?

Pop:Aisle 8, between the cat poison and the weed killer.

Seymour:Edna, our love nest is finally ready.

Edna:Seymour, that's just the janitor's closet.

Edna:I want a baby, Seymour! I want to have your baby!

Seymour:Edna!

Edna:Oh, why did you have to wake me from my beautiful dream? In my dream, we were on a pillow-top cloud, and you were whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

Homer:A man in an apron? *laughs* Hehehehe!

Salesman:We have chicken, beef, pork, lamb...

Homer:Chicken! Beef! Pork! Lamb!

Salesman:We also have some exotic meats if you're interested.

Homer:Exotic? Like what?

Salesman:Well, we have ostrich, elk, alligator...

Homer:Ostrich! Elk! Alligator! What else?

Salesman:Uh, that's about it.

Homer:What about hippo? Do you have hippo? I want hippo! Bring me hippo!

Homer:Mmm... hippo.

Homer:Do you want a barbecue pit?

Bart:Can we use it to burn evidence?

Homer:Sure!

Homer:Let's see... 'Allumez le grill.' Allumez... allumez... Hey, I'm saying it! Why isn't it working?

Lenny:Homer, 'allumez' means 'turn on' in French.

Homer:Oh! Why didn't they just say 'turn on the grill'? Why'd they have to use a fancy French word?

Carl:Because the instructions are in French, Homer.

Homer:Stupid fancy French people and their stupid fancy words!

Homer:Why won't you stay together?! I followed the instructions... well, I looked at the pictures.

Homer:My beautiful brick oven... reduced to a pile of rubble. Just like my dreams. And my credit score.

Homer:I specifically asked the bricks to hold hands. They betrayed me!

Marge:How's your progress, Homer?

Lisa:Well, Mom, Dad has managed to accomplish absolutely nothing.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Yeah, I'd like to return this barbecue kit. It's broken.

Store Clerk:Sir, this barbecue has been completely destroyed. When did you purchase it?

Homer:I dunno, couple weeks ago?

Store Clerk:Well, our return policy is very strict. No returns after 30 days.

Homer:But it's clearly defective!

Store Clerk:That's why I wear this hammer hat. It reminds me of our uncompromising return policies. *adjusts hammer hat proudly* See? Hammer hat.

Homer:It's a educational toy! It teaches kids about fire safety, heat transfer, and the importance of not storing propane near the house.

Store clerk:Hey Santa Claus!

Homer:That's not funny.

Store clerk:Ho ho ho!

Homer:Cut it out.

Store clerk:Père Noël!

Homer:Ow! That's French!

Dump worker:What are you dumping?

Homer:My barbecue broke. It's ruined.

Dump worker:A Beanie Baby! Those are valuable!

Homer:Oh no, my car! Well, that's what insurance is for.

Homer:Okay, okay, you got me. I've been sued so many times, I know the average settlement is $12,000.

Homer:You want to display my barbecue? In a museum?

Art Dealer:It's a stunning piece of found art. The juxtaposition of—

Homer:Found art? This is my destroyed barbecue! It's not art, it's tragedy!

Art Dealer:Precisely. The artist captures the essence of loss and—

Homer:Oh, you think this is funny? You think you can just waltz in here and mock my pain?

Homer:Take this! And this! Stay down, you pile of worthless metal!

Marge:Why is it so quiet? Where's all the yelling and gunfire?

Homer:I was voted most likely to be all three!

Lisa:Dad, you're eating like a barbarian. You're going to embarrass us at this art gallery.

Homer:What? I'm hungry. This is how I eat.

Lisa:But Dad, you're supposed to be cultured and sophisticated here. People are staring at you.

Homer:So?

Lisa:So? So you're making us look like we don't appreciate fine art! What if someone thinks we're not sensitive to the artistic vision being presented here?

Homer Simpson:You know, the famous artist Jasper Johns loves free food.

Jasper Johns:If you tell anyone about this, I'll make sure you regret it. Not a word!

Hillbilly:Years of study to climb fence when gate was unlocked

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I'm in love.

Smithers:Oh, sir! I... I don't know what to say!

Mr. Burns:With the sculpture, you idiot. Not you.

Mr. Burns:I had the chance to buy the Mona Lisa for a song, but I let it slip away.

Homer:You traded 'White Christmas' for it?

Mr. Burns:Yes, and I got billions in the deal. Best trade I ever made.

Homer:I have an artistic background, you know.

Marge:Homer, that's my childhood.

Homer:Well, it was very moving.

Lisa:Dad, your engagement ring is fake.

Homer:So? Keep going, I'm almost there.

Lisa:Dad, I've been thinking about your art. What really makes you angry?

Homer:Everything! Taxes, Flanders, that jerk at the Kwik-E-Mart...

Lisa:What about Bart's friend Milhouse?

Homer:That kid? He's annoying, sure, but... actually, he's got really nice eyes.

Lisa:Dad, that's disturbing.

Moe:So how's this whole Eurotrash thing working out for ya?

Eurotrash art fan:Ach, it is terrible! My espresso machine, it only makes coffee at precisely 203 degrees. I specifically require 202! And my gallery in SoHo, the lighting, it is *almost* perfect, but not quite! The anguish! The suffering! I may have to summer in the Hamptons instead of Monaco!

Moe:So you guys are Eurotrash, huh? How's that working out for ya?

Eurotrash:We are drowning in a sea of decadent luxury.

Moe:Where exactly is this sea?

Customer:Wait, if Homer can pay with art, why can't I?

Moe:Because Homer's in the twelve steps, buddy. You're just a regular drunk.

Homer:I know this was your dream, Marge, but I'm going to make it about me.

Marge:Homer, how would you feel if I entered a belching contest?

Homer:Sexually appealing.

Homer:I've screwed up everything I've ever done.

Bart:Dad, that's not true.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, look at you.

Homer:What do you mean 'no bids'? I thought my stuff was good!

Auctioneer:I'm afraid not, sir. Perhaps you should consider another medium.

Homer:Another medium? I used the finest crayons!

Art dealer:You see, your husband went from being very hip to being very boring.

Art dealer:Give me a call when he reaches kitsch level.

European art collector 1:Come, we must find the next big thing.

European art collector 2:Yes, I hear heroin is making a comeback.

European art collector 1:Excellent! We shall become addicts at once!

Homer:Ray J. Johnson Jr.! He's a comedy legend!

Lisa:Dad, who's Ray J. Johnson?

Homer:Hello, welcome to Tonight! Your comments are...

Lisa:Dad, stop.

Homer:Hey, aren't you the guy who created this show? Your drawings are terrible!

Matt Groening:Oh yeah? Well, how do you like this...

Homer:What's happening? I'm disappearing!

Lisa:Claes Oldenburg is a visionary artist who transforms ordinary objects into monumental sculptures, challenging our perceptions of scale and meaning.

Homer:Wait, so the guy's huge?

Lisa:No, Homer, the sculptures are huge. Oldenburg himself is actually quite—

Homer:A giant! That's awesome!

Homer:Venice? Marge, pack your bags! We're going to see a place where the streets are made of water!

Marge:Homer, that's not how it works.

Homer:I don't care how it works, I just know I can finally use that jet ski I bought!

Lisa:Picasso went through many periods: Blue Period, Rose Period, Cubist Period. And finally, his Angry Jerk Period.

Homer:Wow, soup? How did they come up with that? You take water, you add some stuff... it's genius! I'm so stupid.

Homer:And a pencil! A long, thin piece of wood with a point on it. Who thinks of these things?

Homer:Help! The statues are attacking me!

Statue:I'll be back.

Homer:Hey, this doormat will be perfect for my art project!

Homer:Wait a minute... this is our doormat!

Marge:Homer, what are you doing?

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Dad, is this art or vandalism?

Homer:Well, that's a question for the judicial system. I'm just here to have fun.

Homer:At least we don't have to worry about the black plague.

Marge:Homer, the black plague was in medieval times, not Venice.

Homer:Oh. Well, at least we have canals now!

Moe:Hey Homer, your flooded Springfield is beautiful!

Jasper:Thanks for the boat, sucker!

Moe:Wait, that's my boat!

Ned:Homer? How did you get into heaven?

Homer:I don't know. I guess they're not too strict.

Ned:Not strict? It's easier to get into heaven than Arizona State!

Milhouse:Ay caramba! My pants are still dry!

Seymour:Edna, I have something very important to ask you.

Edna:Oh Seymour!

Seymour:Will you... do you happen to have a hat pin? My mother's hat is coming loose and she'll catch her death of cold.

Homer:I'm not a true artist. I'm just a guy who draws pretty pictures and eats donuts.

Marge:That's very honest, Homer.

Homer:Yeah, well, don't get used to it.

Homer:I need inspiration to kiss my wife.

Marge:Homer, I'm right here.

Homer:I know, but I need to think of someone attractive.

Homer:I'm stealing the TV!

Homer:*THUD*