The Old Man And The C Student

Homer:D'oh!

Olympic Committee Member:We should hold the Olympics in Moscow. The exchange rate is very favorable.

Olympic Committee Member:One dollar equals 50 rubles... 500 rubles... 5,000 rubles... I have to go.

Olympic Committee Member:Motown? You mean like Detroit?

Homer Simpson:No, no, Mongolia Town. It's where Motown music was born.

Olympic Committee Chairman:The Olympics are about medals. Gold medals are wonderful—they represent the pinnacle of human achievement.

Olympic Committee Chairman:Silver medals are... acceptable. They acknowledge participation at a high level.

Olympic Committee Chairman:And bronze medals are participation trophies for losers.

Olympic Committee Chairman:And that is why Springfield would be the perfect host city for the Olympics!

Olympic Committee:[cricket chirps]

Kent Brockman:Well, I'm sure nothing bad will happen to Springfield, unlike Sarajevo, which was a wonderful Olympic host city before it was destroyed by war.

Lisa:Thank you all for your support of my Olympic letter campaign.

Homer:We're so proud of you, Lisa!

Marge:Yes, you're making such a difference.

Lisa:Well, actually... it was just homework for my civics class.

Bart:Homework? That's lame.

Lisa:And by the way, Bart's been writing to the New Kids on the Block, and Milhouse has been corresponding with *NSYNC*.

Bart:Shut up, Lisa!

Milhouse:They write back!

Kent Brockman:The previous Olympic mascots were forgettable whatsits and an absurd vampire.

Homer:Wait, wait, wait. You guys are all rooting for me?

Marge:Of course, Homie. We believe in you.

Bart:Yeah, Dad. You got this.

Homer:Oh no. Oh no no no. That's it. I'm jinxed. Nobody who has their family's support has ever won a mascot contest.

Marge:Homer, that's not—

Homer:I appreciate it, I really do, but you've doomed me. You've all doomed me!

Homer:Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the official Olympic mascot: Abby the Olympic Tabby!

Marge:Homer, what have you done to Snowball?

Homer:I covered her in papier-mache to make her official!

Marge:Homer, how could you?! This is horrible!

Homer:What? It's just a prototype.

Homer:I know that look, Marge. You think my idea is crazy.

Marge:Homer, that's the worst idea you've ever had.

Homer:That's why I already have a backup plan.

Marge:What backup plan?

Homer:I'll just do it anyway and pretend I didn't hear you.

Bart:Dad, tell me you didn't use real dog eyes.

Homer:Well, I didn't want to use fake ones.

Homer:It's fun for the whole family!

Homer:And it has deadly sharp ends for national defense.

Groundskeeper Willie:Och, I've got tae say goodbye tae ma wee friends here. This is Hamish, and this is Angus, and this is Seamus...

Groundskeeper Willie:Ye've been guid companions, but the Olympic committee cannae be seein' rats runnin' aboot the grounds.

Groundskeeper Willie:Off ye go noo, and dinnae come back!

Homer:Thanks, man. It's all about the vibes, you know? The sun's just like, totally giving energy, and we're just vibing with it. Peace.

Mayor Quimby:Welcome to Springfield! We promise you the finest hospitality during the Olympics.

Mayor Quimby:Free hotel rooms, gourmet meals, and of course, any illegal services you might desire.

Mayor Quimby:Plus, I'm granting you all complete immunity from prosecution. What happens in Springfield stays in Springfield!

Patty:There, there, Cigarette Joe. Homer's mascot won, but you'll always be number one to us.

Selma:Yeah, and besides, you've been with us longer than any man ever has.

Homer:Mmm... glue.

Homer:Oh, won't somebody please think of the children?

Homer:I love you honey.

Marge:Oh Homer!

Homer:Not you, the beer.

Bart:So you're Russian, huh? What's the deal with you guys and vodka?

Russian Representative:Is not stereotype, is way of life.

Bart:Yeah, I figured.

Bart:Decides Poland jokes are too obvious to attempt

Bart:Vell, hello there. I am an East German voman.

Bart:*makes threatening gesture*

Olympic Committee Member:His humor may be offensive, but it's authentically American.

Another Olympic Committee Member:We're giving the Olympics to France.

Bart:Hey, Swiss Miss, you're looking a little... Swiss Bliss, aren't ya?

Swiss Representative:What?

Bart:I'm just saying, maybe lay off the Swiss Miss hot chocolate.

Bart:You guys are like a bronze medal - you're third place and nobody really wants you around.

Bart:Eat my shorts, losers.

Skinner:Well, I allowed it because the school board said we needed to show we're 'hip' and 'with it.' Plus, they told me there was an even more offensive song planned for the halftime show.

Bart:You have no idea what you're talking about, man.

Skinner:Oh yes I do. There was going to be a interpretive dance number involving the lunch lady and a giant tater tot.

Superintendent Chalmers:I live in Shelbyville. It's a quiet town with a very nice name.

Superintendent Chalmers:I just got back from my vacation at Lake Titicaca.

Bart:Heh heh, heh heh.

Superintendent Chalmers:What are you laughing at, Simpson?

Bart:Nothing, sir. It's just... Titicaca.

Superintendent Chalmers:It's a real place!

Martin:I have decided to start a basketball program to promote athletic excellence and school spirit!

Bart:Yeah, and immediately after he said that...

[gunshot]

[tires screeching]

Milhouse:Ow! I cut myself on some medical waste!

Skinner:Don't worry, Milhouse. Statistically speaking, you're just as likely to find an antidote in the next pile of medical waste you encounter.

Bart:Wow, this place is amazing! No rules, everyone's happy, free donuts in the break room!

Skinner:Bart, that's the nursing home next door.

Bart Simpson:Hi, I'm here to visit.

Elderly Resident:Hey kid, while you're here, can you tell me what this is?

Bart Simpson:Uh, that's a skin tag.

Elderly Resident:A skin tag? I thought it was a new friend.

Nurse:Welcome to Shady Pines Retirement Castle, son. Here's some practical advice: never look in the beds, never look in the bathrooms, and never look in the residents' eyes—you'll see the end of time.

Bart:Uh, is there anything I should DO?

Nurse:Just smile and nod. And whatever you do, don't make eye contact with Mr. Burns in room 247—he's been dead for three days and we're not entirely sure he's noticed.

Nursing Home Resident:Want to pull his skin like a curiosity

Elderly Woman:Young man, could you help me with my undergarments?

Bart:Uh... I don't think that's appropriate.

Elderly Woman:Oh come on, it'll only take a second!

Bart:No way! Ask someone else!

Nursing Home Resident 1:Bingo!

Nursing Home Resident 2:Bingo!

Nursing Home Resident:What's the prize?

Nurse:A single banana.

Nursing Home Resident:A whole one? For me?

Bart:A banana? That's the prize for winning bingo?

Nurse:Well, bananas are an excellent source of potassium, which is essential for proper muscle and nerve function.

Bart:Why can't you guys give out better prizes?

Nurse:Well, last year we tried eggnog as a prize. The sugar rush caused all the elderly people to remove their shawls and run around screaming.

Bart:So?

Nurse:We had to pay for 300 shawls.

Nurse:They vacuum elderly residents while they sleep

Nurse:Just don't mess with their faces.

Homer:I've got a great idea! I'll sell these rejected Olympic springs to idiots!

Marge:Homer, that's terrible!

Homer:What? There's plenty of idiots out there, Marge. I'm looking at one right now!

Rhett Butler (TV Character):Frankly my dear, I do give a damn.

Scarlett O'Hara (TV Character):Oh Rhett!

Homer Simpson:D'oh! They ruined it!

Nursing Home Resident 1:Say, they've censored all the profanity from this documentary.

Nursing Home Resident 2:Good heavens, they've edited out the entire Civil War!

Bart:Come on, people, let's liven this up! Who wants to see me do a backflip?

Nurse:I wouldn't recommend that after eating all that pudding. You could overstimulate yourself.

Agnes Skinner:Homer Simpson! I haven't seen you since the Olympics!

Homer:Yeah, well, about that...

Agnes Skinner:We could have won gold if it weren't for that troublemaking Bart of yours!

Homer:Hey Lenny, want some nuts?

Lenny:Sure, Homer!

Homer:Heh heh, got ya!

Lenny:Ow! My eye!

Homer:Hey Moe, watch this!

Moe:What are ya—

Homer:*springs the nut trick, it hits Moe in the eye*

Moe:Ow! Me eye! Why you little—

Bart:Arrr, I'm gonna steal yer valuables and yer I.V.!

Bart:Well, you see, I've been watching a lot of TV, and all the old people on those shows are like, super active and cool. They're always going skydiving and solving mysteries and stuff.

Bart:So I figured, why should I behave myself when my grandpa could be out there doing extreme sports instead of yelling at clouds?

Nursing Home Resident:I swallowed yer booty! Now make me walk the plank so I can walk it off!

Bart:Dude, that's not how it works.

Nursing Home Resident:Then how do I get me jewels back?!

Bart:Chief Wiggum, don't you want to escape this nursing home?

Chief Wiggum:Escape? I'm not a resident here, boy. I'm just visiting to distribute these gambling pamphlets to the elderly folks.

Nursing Home Staff Member:Thanks for stopping by, Chief. We'll call you 'The Wrecking Ball.'

Bart:Come on, you guys. Don't you want to get out of here? They make you do arts and crafts, they serve mystery meat, and worst of all... they vacuum while you're still in the room!

Senior:The vacuuming while we're still here? That IS horrific!

Bart:Exactly. So let's go!

Nursing Home Resident:This grass is too modern! They've genetically modified it to be uncomfortable!

Sea Captain:Ahoy! A boatload of lovely ladies! *adjusts captain's hat* Wait a minute... *squints* ...those are nursing home residents. Never mind, I've seen better-looking manatees!

Sea Captain:Damn the torpedoes!

Nursing Home Resident 1:Did he say tuxedos?

Nursing Home Resident 2:I thought he said taquitos.

Homer:Are you tired of spending hours in the kitchen? Introducing the Miracle Chopper 3000! It slices, it dices, it makes julienne fries!

Marge:Homer, absolutely not. We're not buying that.

Homer:But wait, there's more! Order now and we'll throw in a second one absolutely free!

Homer:Owww! My arm!

Homer:But man, what a burger.

Homer:Alright Maggie, let's see what this baby bouncer can do. Nothing but net!

Homer:Two points! And the crowd goes wild!

Homer:She's going for the three-pointer! Ooh, that's a rebound!

Marge:Homer! Be careful with her!

Homer:Marge, I know what I'm doing. Slam dunk!

Grampa Simpson:Ahh, this is the life. So relaxed, so peaceful...

Grampa Simpson:You know, this reminds me of the time I was on duty during the Pearl Harbor attack.

Grampa Simpson:Except for all the explosions and screaming, it's exactly the same!

Lisa:Look, I've made you a schedule. Activities at two, dinner at five, medication at seven.

Nursing Home Residents:Did someone say medication?!

Bart:Hey, you guys don't have to do these boring activities. You're free!

Senior 1:Free? Did he say free?

Senior 2:Let's play bingo!

Senior 3:I want to do arts and crafts!

Senior 1:And shuffleboard!

Bart:Wait, those are the same activities...

Nursing Home Resident:We were just killing time until the next bingo game.

Sea Captain:I was below deck polishing me glass eyes.

Sea Captain:*makes clicking sound effect*

Bart:I'm not supposed to die now!

Bart:I'm supposed to die in a motorcycle accident when I'm 42.

Jack LaLanne:Don't worry folks, I'm 70 years old and I can swim to shore and back!

Homer:That's great, but how does that help us?

Jack LaLanne:Well, if you just do my exercises, you'll be fit enough to swim to shore yourself!

Moe:But Jack, we're drowning right now!

Jack LaLanne:No time like the present to start your fitness journey!

Nursing Home Resident:We're drowning and it's all your fault, boy!

Nursing Home Resident:But we have to admit, this is still our most enjoyable experience in decades.

Sea Captain:Arrr, they're still ugly!

Elderly Resident:How low can you go? How low can you go?

Bart:Whoa, easy there!

Elderly Resident:I can make it! I can make it!

Elderly Resident:How low can you go?

Elderly Resident:I can go lower!