Bart The Mother

Mail Carrier:Everyone, gather around! I have something important to deliver!

Homer:What is it?

Mail Carrier:I... I just needed my power fix. I only delivered one generic letter today.

Lisa:Mom, Dad, this is obviously a scam. There is no prize money.

Homer:Shut up, Lisa.

Marge:I can smell a scam from two towns away.

Homer:Oh sure, you're real smart and sophisticated.

Marge:Thank you, Homer.

Homer:Finally! I thought we'd never get here! My legs are numb, my back is killing me, and I'm pretty sure I've forgotten what the sun looks like!

Marge:Homer, we've been driving for ten minutes.

Homer:TEN MINUTES?! It felt like ten days! I'm going to need therapy... and a sandwich.

Homer:I'm driving a go-kart!

Bart:Wow, Dad. That's... really something.

Nelson:Are you okay?

Kid:Yeah, I think so.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:I'm a pro.

Bart:You should wear a helmet.

Nelson:Helmets mess up my hair.

Homer:Listen here, buddy, you better watch your— OW!

Homer:I'm warning you, I'm gonna— OWWW!

Homer:You're really asking for it now, pal— OOF!

Homer:That's it, I've had enough of your— ARGH!

Lisa:Wow, Maggie! That was an amazing alley-oop!

Lisa:I mean, a Maggie-oop!

Bart:Yeah, right. There's no way a baby made that shot without cheating.

Bart:What can I get for 12 tickets?

Arcade employee:Well, you can get that rubber finger, or these two stale marshmallows, or this pencil with no eraser, or... a half-eaten lollipop.

Bart:What if I save up more tickets?

Arcade employee:Then you can get all of those things together!

Bart:Hmm, a cooking toy or a weapon...

Bart:Weapon!

Bart:Wow, nice shot! How'd you learn to shoot like that?

Nelson:Ha-ha! It's all in the wrist. Plus, I filed off the serial number so they can't trace it back to me.

Bart:What about fingerprints?

Nelson:Ha-ha! I wear gloves, man. I'm not some amateur criminal.

Marge:Nelson comes from a broken home. He acts out because he's hurting inside. What he really needs is to be left alone.

Bart:Wait... so he needs help by being abandoned?

Bart:Aw man, all I got was this stupid whistle.

Lisa:And I got this kazoo. We're a perfect duet of disappointment.

Bart:It's like the universe is laughing at us.

Lisa:In perfect harmony.

Bart:I'm my own man now! I don't need anybody telling me what to do!

Bart:Aaaah! Inchworms!

Nelson:My mom's too busy with her career to care about me. She works at the power plant, goes to bars, and basically ignores everything I do.

Bart:Wow, that's... actually pretty cool. No rules, no supervision, total freedom!

Nelson:Yeah, well, it sucks. I'm basically raising myself.

Bart:Dude, I'd kill for that.

Nelson:Hey, Simpson. You're gonna catch a cold with that thin scarf. Here, take mine.

Bart:Uh, thanks Nelson?

Nelson:Your neck is turning blue, man. That's not healthy. My mom always makes sure I'm bundled up right.

Bart:Wait, are you actually worried about me?

Nelson:Ha-ha, don't get used to it. But seriously, you gotta take care of yourself.

Nelson:Ha-ha! Look at all those bullet holes!

Car Salesman:Well, yes, but she runs great! We can get you financed in just three easy payments.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:Hey Bart, how about I shoot you in the stomach?

Bart:No thanks, Nelson. I'm good.

Nelson:Haw-haw! You won't shoot the bird? What's wrong, Bart? Afraid you'll mess up your hair?

Bart:I just don't want to hurt it, man.

Nelson:Oh, what a baby! Next you'll be telling me you want to marry Milhouse!

Bart:That's not even close to what I said.

Nelson:And I bet you walk around all effeminate-like too! Haw-haw!

Bart:Oh no! I killed it!

Nelson:Ha-ha! Nice shot!

Bart:But I didn't mean to!

Nelson:Well you got a real talent for this. Too bad my gun's defective.

Bart:Defective?

Nelson:Yeah, it's been jamming all day. You're a natural!

Homer:Why do I have to help fold sheets? This is impossible!

Marge:Homer, it's not that hard. You just need to match the corners.

Homer:Match the corners? Marge, I can't even identify my own underwear!

Marge:What do you mean you can't identify your own underwear?

Homer:Half the time I don't know if it's mine or yours. I need your help with everything!

Homer:Where's Bart?! Tell me now!

Milhouse:He's hiding in the old warehouse on Fifth Street behind the blue door in the back room under the floorboards!

Marge:Lisa, you need to be punished for lying.

Homer:I got this. Lisa, go down to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me a case of Duff.

Homer:Well, I guess I'm grounded. No TV for a week!

Homer:I can live with that. Maybe I'll finally read that book.

Homer:And no beer? That's just... wait, you said I could have snacks in my room?

Homer:Wow, thanks Dad! This is the best punishment ever!

Nelson:We could bury it, or we could let it rot, or we could tie it to a stick and use it to scare the girls at recess.

Nelson:Your Honor, I move that all charges be dropped. It was a clear case of self-defense. That bird came at me first!

Judge:The bird was a sparrow, Nelson. It weighed less than an ounce.

Nelson:Exactly! A deadly weapon in the right talons, sir.

Judge Bird:We've brought you here today, Bart Simpson, because we need to discuss the incident with our fellow avian.

Bart:Am I on trial? Did I... did I kill it?

Judge Bird:Kill it? No, no. We actually just need someone to help us clean up around here. Have you seen the state of this place?

Bird Juror 1:Yeah, there's birdseed everywhere. And don't get us started on the droppings.

Judge Bird:We'll be honest, Bart—we have terrible hygiene practices. We thought blaming you might get us some free labor.

Bart:Ow! Why'd you hit me?

Nelson:Ha-ha! Because it's funny.

Nelson:Someone's coming home with you? Awesome!

Marge:Yes, Bart.

Nelson:Oh.

Marge:Bart, why are all those cats following you?

Bart:I dunno, man. Maybe they like the smell of my cologne.

Marge:Bart, I'm not going to punish you.

Marge:I'm just going to ask you to think about what you've done.

Marge:And if you want to shoplift, that's your decision.

Marge:And if you want to spray paint the water tower, go right ahead.

Marge:And if you want to kill someone, I won't stop you.

Bart:Well, there was an incident with the eggs...

Homer:An incident? What kind of incident?

Bart:Let's just say mistakes were made. Several mistakes. Repeatedly. With my feet.

Marge:Bart! You killed them?

Bart:I prefer to think of it as an unscheduled workforce reduction in the avian sector.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such nature documentaries as 'Squirrels: Nature's Tiny Daredevils' and 'Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory'.

Troy McClure:Or such other fine films as 'Puttin' around the World' and 'Disaster: A Natural History'.

Troy McClure:You may remember me from such nature documentaries as 'Mommy, Mommy, Don't Hurt Me' and 'So You've Decided to Peck Out Your Young's Eyes'...

Troy McClure:But did you know that a mother bird's instinct to protect her young is so fierce that she'll attack anything that comes near her nest? Well, everything except for a spatula.

Troy McClure:You know, nothing can replace the gentle touch of a mother's love. It's warm, it's nurturing, it's... well, it's irreplaceable.

Troy McClure:But have you tried a Robotic Maternal Unit 3000? It's got heated gel-pack hugs, aromatherapy dispensers, and a database of 10,000 lullabies!

Troy McClure:You know, I think technology actually IS superior to motherly love. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such parenting seminars as 'Outsourcing Your Kids to Machines.'

Troy McClure:You know, I've played a lot of characters, but nothing beats learning about nature's true colors!

Billy:Nature is pretty disgusting when you really think about it.

Troy McClure:Disgusting? That's what makes it beautiful! You may remember me from such nature documentaries as 'Certain Death.'

Librarian:You think I can afford to buy books on a librarian's salary? I can barely afford the rent on my studio apartment!

Library patron:Well, maybe you should get a second job.

Librarian:I have three jobs! This is my day job!

Homer:Why is this lamp not working? Let me just touch it... AHHHHHHHHH!

Bart:I'm feeding the birds naturally, like their mother would.

Bart:Pop-Tarts!

Bart:I'll call you... Mother.

Bart:No wait, that sounds fruity. Mom.

Marge:I wonder what Bart is doing up there.

Homer:Probably running a drug lab.

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? Okay, okay... reading comic books.

Homer:Ugh, why do I keep guessing wrong?

Marge:I don't care what Bart is doing. It's none of my business.

Marge:Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find out exactly what Bart is up to.

Homer:Hey, did you know that if you stack all the donuts I've eaten, they'd reach the moon?

Lisa:Dad, that's not even close to scientifically accurate.

Homer:Well, I'm declaring it official. I'm calling NASA right now and telling them about Homer's Donut Stack. It's a real astronomical phenomenon.

Lisa:Dad, you can't just make up astronomical events.

Homer:Too late! It's already real. Don't confuse me with facts, Lisa. My mind is made up!

Marge:I'll use the pie heat to warm the eggs.

Homer:Eggs? Did someone say eggs?

Bart:Mom's warming eggs now? This is the best day ever!

Lisa:So what you're saying is we can just ask for food whenever we want if we call it egg-warming?

Homer:D'oh! Why didn't we think of this sooner?

Homer:Time flew by.

Marge:Homer, it was 53 hours.

Homer:Yeah, time flew by.

Homer:Look! They're hatching!

Marge:Oh, how beautiful! Listen to them chirping!

Bart:They're so cute! What kind of birds are they?

Lisa:I think they might be some kind of exotic species.

Homer:Wait, what's this horn thing coming out of the top?

Marge:Horn? That's not normal for a bird!

All:HISSSSSSSS

Homer:Look, I know birds. That's a sparrow. Or maybe a finch. Actually, it doesn't matter because they're all the same bird anyway.

Homer:It's called 'ornithologicus identifus.' I read it in a book. Well, I looked at the pictures in a book.

Lisa:Actually, Dad, we're not birds. We're mammals. According to this scientific study—

Homer:You're a lizard.

Birdwatcher leader:According to official birding rules, you can only count a bird if you see it in its natural habitat.

Birdwatcher:But I saw a cardinal at the zoo!

Birdwatcher leader:That doesn't count.

Birdwatcher:What about the pigeon on my car?

Birdwatcher leader:Invalid context.

Birdwatcher:The eagle on the dollar bill?

Birdwatcher leader:That's not even a real bird, and you know it.

Birdwatcher:There! There it is! A pigeon!

Birdwatcher:I'm outta here.

Skinner:I'll kill the lizards for you. It's my civic duty as principal.

Bart:Dude, that's just murder with extra steps.

Bird Expert:I'm doing my civic duty.

Bird Expert:His duty is immediately killing the baby lizards.

Skinner:The lizard has eliminated the following birds: the loon, the jay, the hawk...

Skinner:The booby, the titmouse, the woodpecker...

Skinner:The cockatoo, the shag, the thrust...

Skinner:And finally, the great bustard.

Moe:We gotta kill all the dangerous creatures around here. First the people, then the lizards.

Skinner:Well, according to state law, all rodents must be exterminated in a timely fashion. I've added 'gruesomely' to our official policy.

Moe:Hey! Move it, lady!

Marge:Oh, well, excuse me. I'm terribly sorry.

Moe:No, seriously, GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Marge:My goodness, what a lovely tone of voice you have.

Moe:ARGH! I SAID MOVE!

Marge:You know, you really should try decaf.

Moe:Finally! I thought we'd never get past her!

Apu:Yes, Marge's politeness was truly an insurmountable barrier.

Edna:I've faced fewer obstacles teaching underachieving simpletons.

Moe:To getting around roadblocks!

All:Cheers!

Marge:Hey! That's my look!

Bart:Oh man, I can't believe they're gone. My poor little guys.

Skinner:Well Bart, I'd say good riddance to bad... *reptiles*.

Bart:Wait, they're not dead! They're gliding!

Skinner:Yes, well, I knew about their gliding ability. I was just... hoping they wouldn't use it.

Kent Brockman:In a stunning development, lizards are now eating pigeons. The pigeons, formerly known as 'rats with wings,' are now being referred to as 'feathered rats,' then 'flying rats,' and most recently, 'dinner.'

Lisa:But what happens if all the animals get out of hand?

Skinner:Well, then we simply release wave after wave of gorillas, each one trained to eat the last.

Lisa:Wouldn't that be incredibly dangerous?

Skinner:I'll cover you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to my layer.

Lisa:But what if the gorillas multiply?

Skinner:A guy walks into your office. He tells you he has a problem. He doesn't want to live on the planet anymore. Well, I'm not a miracle worker, I work with what God gave me. But if you think about it, the gorillas are gone now.

Lisa:Bart, you're being a hypocrite. You say you care about the environment, but you just threw that plastic bottle in the regular trash.

Bart:Ay caramba, Lisa. Why do you gotta make everything so complicated? I'm ten years old.