The Wizard Of Evergreen Terrace

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Bill:We interrupt this program for a news update.

Marty:That's right, Bill. And boy, is this news flush with...

Bill:Oh no, here it comes...

Marty:...developments!

Bill:FLUSHHHHH

Bill:Well, here it is, America. The Clinton website.

Marty:www.clinton.cum

Homer:76.2? That means I only have... *counts on fingers* ...carry the one... 8 more years!

Homer:*gasps in horror* EIGHT YEARS?! I haven't even learned to make a decent waffle yet!

Homer:I don't need any help, Marge. I'm fine!

Tow Truck Driver:I'm not Marge, buddy.

Homer:Wha—

Homer:D'oh!

Marge:Homer, here's your sugar bag.

Homer:No, Marge. I've failed at everything. I'm a bad father, a bad husband, a bad worker. I don't deserve sugar.

Marge:Homer, that's not true.

Homer:Yes it is! Take it away before I change my mind!

Reverend Lovejoy:Homer was the richest man in the room... in terms of mass.

Reverend Lovejoy:He had a wife and three children, though I suspect the youngest may not be his.

Reverend Lovejoy:Homer was a man of many talents. Not good talents, but many.

Reverend Lovejoy:He will not be missed.

Lenny:Yeah, well, I'm president now, so... *waves hand dismissively* ...whatever.

Barney:He's dead. That means I can finally sleep with his wife.

Moe:Barney, that's crude and inappropriate.

Barney:You're right. I apologize.

Moe:However, I too have considered such an arrangement.

Homer:Marge? Marge, wake up!

Marge:What is it, Homer?

Homer:I just had the worst nightmare. Lenny was President!

Marge:It was just a dream, Homer.

Homer:I know, but what if it happens? What if Lenny actually becomes President?

Marge:Homer, that will never happen.

Homer:You don't know that, Marge. You don't know that.

Homer:You know, I've had so many wonderful memories with my family. Let me think... there was the time I ate a whole box of donuts in one sitting. And then there was another time I ate a whole box of donuts in one sitting. Oh! And I can't forget when I fell asleep during Bart's school play. Wait, that happened twice too.

Homer:I've wasted half my life!

Marge:Homer, you're only 36.

Homer:I KNOW!

Marge:Homer! We have a surprise for you!

Homer:A surprise? For me? What is it?

Bart:It's a party, Dad! A celebration of your life!

Homer:My life? Wow! Is there cake?

Lisa:Dad, this whole party is about you. Your achievements, your memories...

Homer:About me? So who's the party actually for then?

Marge:Homer, we've compiled all of your greatest accomplishments to show you how proud we are.

Homer:My failures? Finally! I've been looking everywhere for those!

Lisa:Going to space is impressive.

Homer:Yeah, well, I sabotaged a Russian space station once.

Sports Commentator:And there's Homer Simpson, employing what we in the business call the 'neglectful parent' defense.

Sports Commentator:A bold strategy — ignoring his children while eating donuts.

Sports Commentator:Let's see if it pays off for him.

Homer:Lisa, your facts about Thomas Edison are wrong!

Lisa:Dad, I have sources. Edison didn't actually invent the light bulb alone.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna use my special move on you!

Bart:Whoa, is Dad doing hadoukens?

Homer:Hadoken! Sonic boom! Spinning piledriver!

Marge:Homer, please, we're trying to have a civil discussion.

Homer:Civil discussion? More like... MORTAL KOMBAT!

Lisa:According to this book, Thomas Edison was a great inventor who revolutionized the world with his discoveries.

Homer:That's nothing. I learned that Edison invented the light bulb, the phonograph, AND spaghetti. It says so right here on this placemat at Krusty Burger.

Lisa:Dad, Edison didn't invent spaghetti.

Homer:Well, if it's on the placemat, it must be true. The placemat is a very reliable source.

Homer:Well, they banned me from the main library after the... incident with the beanbag chairs and the industrial lubricant.

Homer:Wow, Edison invented the light bulb, the phonograph, and the motion picture camera. What a guy!

Homer:Wait, there's a picture of him dancing? D'oh!

Bart:All Hardy Boys books are about smugglers.

Bart:Wait, except for 'The Pirates of Penzance' — that one's obviously about pirates.

Librarian:Are you a student here?

Homer:Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm a student. Go... Wildcats!

Lenny:So there I was, right? And this guy says to me—

Homer:Did you know that Thomas Edison invented the light bulb? And the phonograph? And he was afraid of the dark?

Lenny:Homer, I'm trying to tell a story here.

Homer:Oh, sorry. Continue.

Lenny:So there I was, right? And this guy says to me... uh... what was I saying?

Homer:I don't know, but whatever it was, it was probably boring compared to Thomas Edison.

Homer:Well, sure Edison electrocuted an elephant, but he also invented the light bulb. You gotta take the good with the bad.

Marge:Homer, you're not Thomas Edison.

Homer:Not yet, Marge. Not yet.

Marge:Homer, you're not Edison.

Homer:You're right! I'll become Edison!

Bart:Dad, maybe your first invention should be pants.

Homer:You told me to quit my job at the plant!

Marge:Homer, I never said that.

Homer:Oh yeah? Then how do you explain this? You said, 'Homer, quit your job immediately. I insist. Here's a suitcase full of money to help you get started.'

Marge:I said no such thing!

Homer:And then you said, 'I love you so much, Homer. You're the greatest man alive.'

Marge:That is not what happened.

Marge:Homer, why don't you go back to work?

Homer:Marge, I can't go back there. After I drove the nuclear power plant into the lake, they said I could never show my face there again.

Marge:You could always go back to the plant.

Homer:Marge, I don't think Mr. Burns would take me back after the way I left things.

Marge:What do you mean? How did you leave?

Homer:Let's just say it involved a lot of fire and Mr. Burns' toupee.

Homer:You see, Marge, I have a creative vision. I don't just see what's there — I see what could be there. I see beyond the surface, into the very soul of things.

Marge:Homer, you're just looking at a donut.

Homer:Exactly! A donut. But also... a metaphor for life itself.

Homer:You see, Marge, this table represents my creative vision. Every dent, every scratch tells a story of genius at work.

Marge:Homer, that's actually the dryer running in the basement.

Homer:What? No, no, I'm sure it's my creative genius.

Marge:Your papers are in there.

Homer:Oh my God! My life's work!

Lisa:Dad, smoking is one of the leading causes of death in this country.

Homer:Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Smoking is also one of the leading causes of LIVING. If there were no smoking, there would be way too many people.

Lisa:That's not a good argument, Dad.

Homer:Oh, you're just saying that because you're a non-smoker!

Bart:Dad, you started smoking?

Homer:Well, Thomas Edison smoked cigars, so I figured if it was good enough for him...

Bart:But Dad, Edison invented the light bulb!

Homer:Yeah, well, he also invented a lot of other stuff I'm not doing.

Homer:Okay kids, I need your help. I'm having a brainstorming session. I need ideas.

Bart:How about 'Butt-scratching'?

Lisa:I suggest we focus on constructive solutions.

Bart:Or 'Nose-picking Olympics'!

Homer:That's it! You're both grounded! And as punishment, you have to spank yourselves!

Bart:Dad, that doesn't make any sense.

Lisa:Yes, it's logically inconsistent with basic behavioral psychology.

Homer:Just do it!

Bart:He's really not thinking this through.

Lisa:No, he really isn't.

Bart:Dad, you're supposed to spank yourself as punishment.

Homer:I know, boy. But I got tired after two swats.

Lisa:That's the laziest punishment I've ever seen.

Bart:Yeah, Dad. You couldn't even commit to spanking yourself.

Homer:Kids are property! Well, I mean, kids and wives are property.

Marge:Homer!

Homer:What? I'm trying to include you.

Marge:Tuna is brain food.

Homer:No, wait. Aren't dolphins smarter than humans?

Marge:Yes.

Homer:Wouldn't that make it... people food?

Professor Frink:Well, there's ornithology, the study of birds; ichthyology, the study of fish; and of course, Poppinsology, the study of magical nannies who arrive on the East Wind with a mysterious carpet bag. Giggity-gootenploink!

Frink:Well, gentlemen, sometimes the best inventions are finding new uses for existing things.

Homer:New uses? Like this pants that are also a ham?

Frink:No, no, that's... that's not what I meant at all.

Homer:You can wear it, and if you get hungry, you just take a bite out of your own leg!

Professor Frink:Well, Homer, if you want to invent something successful, you need to think about what people really need.

Homer:Ah, good idea, Professor! Thanks for all your help!

Homer:I'm going to go patent your idea and sell it myself!

Homer:I outsmarted Frink with my pickle matrix!

Professor Frink:A pickle matrix? That's not even a real scientific concept!

Homer:Well, it fooled you, didn't it?

Homer:Behold! My electric hammer! It combines the power of electricity with the usefulness of a hammer.

Lenny:Homer, that thing looks dangerous.

Homer:Dangerous? Pfft. What could possibly go wrong?

Carl:Yeah, what could go wrong with an electric hammer?

Homer:Exactly! It's perfectly safe and practical!

Homer:Ow! Ow! Ow! Wait, wait, wait. Can you turn it up?

Lenny:Homer, are you sure?

Homer:Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. More power!

Homer:Well, I guess the electric hammer isn't working out.

Marge:Oh Homer, an electric hammer! What could possibly go wrong?

Marge:I'm sure this will be the safest, most practical tool anyone has ever invented.

Homer:I've invented the 'Everything's Okay' alarm. It sounds when everything IS okay.

Lenny:That doesn't make any sense, Homer.

Homer:Exactly! That's why it's brilliant!

Homer:The alarm goes off every morning at 5 AM, and I can't figure out how to turn it off.

Marge:Homer, you've had that alarm clock for three years.

Homer:Well, that's the beauty of it! The manufacturers designed it so you can't turn it off. It builds character!

Homer:It's a makeup gun for women who have zero time!

Homer:You just aim it at your face and fire! One Mississippi...

Marge:Homer, that's dangerous!

Homer:Oh Marge, I've done a lot of crazy things. Remember the time I ate all the donuts?

Homer:Well, what do you think? I'm pretty good with a gun.

Marge:Oh my God!

Homer:You look like a clown.

Marge:Homer! What have you done?!

Homer:I was just trying to help! I invented a makeup gun!

Marge:A makeup gun? Homer, that's the third beauty weapon you've made this month!

Homer:Well, you said you wanted to get ready faster...

Bart:Women won't like being shot in the face.

Homer:Not with that attitude.

Homer:Back then, if you wanted to watch TV, you had to sit in an uncomfortable chair for hours.

Homer:So I got myself a toilet chair. Now I can watch TV and crap at the same time!

Marge:Homer, what is this? A toilet chair?

Homer:It's a chair you can sit on while you sit on the toilet. Every man will want one.

Marge:Homer, no man wants to sit on a toilet chair.

Homer:You're just not thinking like a man, Marge. We're very lazy.

Homer:Behold! The toilet chair. You can sit and eat at the same time.

Bart:Cool! Can I use it to sit and play video games?

Homer:No, Bart, it's for eating.

Bart:What about sitting and watching TV?

Homer:No!

Bart:Sitting and reading magazines?

Homer:Absolutely not!

Marge:Well, Homer, that's... certainly creative.

Homer:You like it?

Marge:It's just that, well, it's not very practical.

Homer:Not practical? Marge, it's a masterpiece!

Marge:Honey, it's on fire.

Homer:That's the best part!

Marge:Homer, you're a moron. A complete and utter moron.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I'm not good at inventing things. I'm not even good at being Homer Simpson.

Homer:That's it! I'm done inventing. From now on, I'm just going to be a regular father and husband.

Marge:Homer, that's wonderful! You're finally taking responsibility for your family.

Homer:Yeah, well, I guess I'm settling.

Marge:Oh no! Homer's fallen off the roof!

Lisa:We have to call an ambulance!

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Wait, Dad's okay. And he invented something.

Homer:It's a... uh... safety ladder that deploys when you fall. I tripped over the gutters and it just happened!

Mr. Burns:Simpson, this is genius! I'll buy the patent for three dollars.

Homer:Woo-hoo!

Bart:Dad, this chair is actually pretty sweet. I'd say it's got real market potential. Could sell maybe 30, 40 units tops.

Lisa:The ergonomic design is quite sound, Father. I believe Bart's estimate may be conservative.

Marge:Homer, we really do think this is wonderful. We're not just saying that.

Homer:Wait, Edison invented the electric chair? But I thought I invented it!

Homer:D'oh! All my hard work... wasted.

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:Wow, Dad! You said a bad word!

Homer:I did?

Bart:Yeah! You said 'D'oh!' That's so cool!

Homer:Wait, Edison invented the light bulb before me? That's not fair!

Homer:I know! I'll just destroy all the historical evidence that he did it first.

Homer:Wait a minute. This is just like my idea!

Homer:You know what? I'm gonna destroy this evidence and tell everyone I invented it first.

Homer:That's it! I'm done with Edison! He's a fraud and a charlatan!

Bart:Yeah, man! He sucks!

Homer:Damn right he does!

Bart:This is ass!

Homer:Edison Jr.'s failed ventures include a turkey farm.

Homer:Well, of course turkeys are raised on farms.

Edison's Ghost:You know, I invented the electric chair. I didn't think it would be used this way.

Edison's ghost:Wait! Before you destroy that chair, consider this: a man who destroys the furniture of great inventors is himself no inventor.

Homer:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's pretty deep.

Edison's ghost:I know. I've had a lot of time to think about it.

Security Guard:Why you little...

Security Guard:Get back here!

Museum Guide:Now, who can tell me who invented the lightbulb?

Museum Guide:That's right, Thomas Edison. And do you know what Thomas Edison said after he invented the lightbulb?

Museum Guide:"Let there be light!" Hehehehe. I crack myself up.

Tour Guide:What has four wheels and flies?

Tour Guide:A garbage truck!

Homer:Take that, Edison! And that! Your genius can't help you now!

Homer:I'm like Edison. I'm a genius.

Bart:Yeah, except Edison actually invented something.

Homer:Oh yeah? What about all my great ideas?

Bart:Dad, the only thing you've invented is new ways to be a total doofus.

Homer:How about we go to the da Vinci museum?

Bart:Nah, let's find something more accessible to vandalize.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin. The Pope has arrived in Springfield. Repeat, the Pope is here.

Kent Brockman:He's a man of God who wears a tall hat and funny shoes.

Kent Brockman:We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Thomas Edison has done it again with yet another amazing invention.

Kent Brockman:In a stunning turn of events, what we thought were Homer Simpson's original ideas have been credited to the great inventor Thomas Edison.

Kent Brockman:This has made the already wealthy Edison family even richer, while Homer receives nothing.

Marge:Homer, how are you taking the news?

Homer:Well, I'm sitting in my safety chair, so I'd say I'm taking it pretty well.

Lisa:Dad, that's not what we meant.

Homer:I know, but this chair is the real success story here.