Mayored To The Mob

Homer:D'oh!

Announcer:We now return to The Thousand Dollar Movie.

Announcer:Tonight's conclusion: Titanic, directed by Roger Corman.

Man in movie:I want to take off my bikini.

Announcer:We'll be right back after these messages.

Homer:Messages? Thank God! I was worried they'd show commercials.

Alien announcer:Welcome to the Bimonthly Springfield Sci-Fi Convention!

Phil:Did he just say 'Bi-Mon'?

Alien announcer:Yes, it occurs every two months.

Phil:That's the worst acronym I've ever heard.

Alien announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the intergalactic robot wrestling championship! In this corner, we have C-3PO and R2-D2!

Alien announcer:These two gay robots have been together for over forty years!

C-3PO:Oh, you overweight glob of grease! I'll have you melted down into a bedpan!

R2-D2:Beep boop whistle!

C-3PO:Oh, you dare insult my mother? Why, I'll disassemble you piece by piece and use you for a tin opener!

Homer:Son, I got us tickets to the sci-fi convention!

Bart:Cool, Dad! When do we go?

Homer:Right after I call in sick to work and you skip school.

Bart:Now that's what I call father-son bonding!

Homer:Wow, a sci-fi convention! This is going to be awesome!

Homer:Wait... why are there so many nerds here?

Comic Book Guy:Well, well, well. If it isn't Lisa Simpson. Welcome to the Springfield Comic Book Convention.

Nerd 1:Lisa! Hey, Lisa! Remember me from the anime club?

Nerd 2:Lisa Simpson! I'm your biggest fan from the Mensa society!

Nerd 3:Guten Tag, Lisa! It's me from the German pen pal program!

Nerds:Hi Lisa!

Lisa:Oh, hi guys...

Real Astronaut:One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind!

Astronaut Heckler:One giant leap right out of this workplace if you don't shut up!

Dr. Smith impersonator:Oh my, yes, that does sound most perilous! Danger, danger, Will Robinson!

Homer Simpson:Danger, danger! Oh wait, that's Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.

Robot Warning System:WARNING! WARNING! Do not mix comic books of different publishers or you will create a dangerous paradox!

Homer Simpson:But what about the real danger?

Robot Warning System:There is no real danger. Only comic book continuity errors.

Comic Book Guy:Actually, these are first editions. The condition is merely 'very fine,' not 'near mint,' which means the resale value is reduced by approximately 40 percent.

Homer:Yeah, well, I'm reducing the price by 50 percent.

Comic Book Guy:That's outrageous! According to the Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide, the proper depreciation formula—

Marge:Hi, Comic Book Guy.

Comic Book Guy:Woo-hoo! I mean... yes, hello. How can I help you today?

Comic Book Guy:Well, perhaps if I cleaned the Cheeto dust out of my beard, I'd have better luck with the ladies.

Woman:That would be a start.

Comic Book Guy:I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. Might I interest you in some sexual intercourse?

Comic Book Guy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not some kind of pervert. I'm simply a man of the world who knows what women want.

Mark Hamill:Well, I'd love to talk about Star Wars, but first let me tell you about Sprint's amazing wireless coverage and affordable plans!

Homer:Hey, hey! What are you booing? He's on our side!

Homer:Mark Hamill is just trying to help us save money on our cell phone bills.

Homer:The man's a hero! Show some respect!

Mark Hamill:I need a volunteer to play Obi-Wan.

Fan:Me! Me! Pick me! I've been preparing for this my whole life! I've spent decades studying the Force, perfecting my lightsaber technique, memorizing every line from the original trilogy!

Fan:My parents said I'd never amount to anything, but this is my moment! This is what I was born to do!

Fan:Incoherent rambling with made-up lightsaber sound effects

Fan 1:Vwoom vwoom vwoom!

Fan 2:No no, it's more like vwwwwoom vwwwwoom. You gotta let it sustain.

Mayor Quimby:Well, I suppose it's time to accept that Springfield simply cannot have nice things. Every convention, every gathering, inevitably descends into complete pandemonium. Perhaps it's not a flaw in our planning—it's just who we are as a people.

Mayor Quimby:Good heavens!

Mayor Quimby:Where is my bodyguard?

Lenny:You know, looking at that cloud up there, it's shaped just like a beanstalk. Makes you think about the nature of existence and how we're all just floating through space on a big rock.

Mark Hamill:Well, I'd love to use the lightsaber, but do you have any idea how much the studio charges me for prop damage? Last time I ignited it near the craft services table, I got a bill for $47,000.

Mark Hamill:Wait, wait! Not the hair! Do you know how much I pay for this?

Angry Fan:We don't care!

Mark Hamill:But it's real!

Homer:Wait, Mark Hamill! The guy who played Luke Skywalker! Save him!

Homer:NERDS!

Homer:I'm coming, Mark Hamill! *charges at nerds*

Homer:I'm Homer Simpson, your new bodyguard. I'll protect you from nerds.

Homer:If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Nerd Busters!

Mark Hamill:Leave me behind.

Homer:No! I can't leave you! You're the only celebrity I've ever met! Well, except for that time I saw Bette Midler at the grocery store, but she didn't see me. And there was the time I got stuck in an elevator with Gary Busey, but I don't think that counts because he was unconscious. But you! You're different! You're a real Star Wars actor! I won't abandon you!

Bart:I was just trying to help! How was I supposed to know you can't actually pilot these things?

Homer:Maggie's lost!

Marge:I have her.

Homer:Hey, how come you're walking fine now? I thought you were injured!

Mark Hamill:Well, I feel much better.

Homer:Yeah, but you said you couldn't walk!

Mr. Burns:You're fired for incompetence. I need a bodyguard who can actually protect me.

Fired bodyguard:But sir, I've been with you for three years!

Mr. Burns:And in that time, I've been shot at, poisoned, and once kidnapped by my own son. Your replacement will need to be faster, stronger, and willing to take a bullet meant for me.

Fired bodyguard:I can do that!

Mr. Burns:He'll also need to be willing to donate a kidney, scratch my back during board meetings, and occasionally let me win at chess so I feel good about myself.

Fired bodyguard:That's... that's ridiculous!

Mr. Burns:Oh, and he must be willing to laugh at my jokes, no matter how offensive or unfunny they are, and pretend to enjoy the same things I enjoy: watching people suffer and counting my money.

Bodyguard:Who else would do the job?

Mayor Quimby:Well, there's always Homer Simpson.

Homer:You want me to be a bodyguard? Sure! How hard can it be?

Homer:I'm already dead inside anyway.

Bodyguard Instructor:A bodyguard must be loyal to his employer above all else. He must be willing to take a bullet, a knife wound, or even a flaming arrow for his boss.

Bodyguard Instructor:Now, let's say your employer is Muhammad. You must protect Muhammad at all costs.

Bodyguard Instructor:Moooo-hammad.

Homer:Wait, hold on. Muhammad? Isn't that the guy that—

Instructor:No questions about Muhammad. He's a very sensitive subject.

Homer:But I was just gonna ask if he invented the cube.

Instructor:No. And that's the last I want to hear about it.

Instructor:Alright, we're going to do a bodyguard training exercise. I need you to protect these people.

Instructor:This watermelon is the President. This pineapple is the Pope. And this grapefruit is the Queen of England.

Homer:Got it. Protect the fruit.

Instructor:Now, I'm going to come at you with a knife. Ready?

Homer:Wait, you're attacking the fruit?

Homer:Mmm... melon.

Chief Wiggum:Now, these melons represent important people we need to protect.

Chief Wiggum:Homer, you're in charge of this one.

Homer:You got it, Chief.

Chief Wiggum:Now remember, no matter what happens, do not eat your melon.

Homer:*eating melon* Mmm... delicious.

Instructor:Simpson, your form is all wrong. Keep your guard up!

Homer:But I'm tired!

Instructor:That's no excuse. A bodyguard must be ready at all times.

Homer:Even when sleeping?

Instructor:Especially when sleeping!

Instructor:When you're doing a dramatic death scene, remember to take your time. The audience wants to savor the moment.

Homer:So I should die slowly?

Instructor:Exactly. And make eye contact with the camera as you go.

Homer:Even if I'm supposed to be dead?

Instructor:Especially then. That's what separates the professionals from the amateurs.

Instructor:Come on, Simpson! I want twenty pushups!

Homer:Look, I'm gonna level with you. I'm not comfortable doing pushups in front of all these people. My acting coach says I should never do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

Instructor:Your acting coach?

Homer:Yeah. He said if a scene doesn't feel right, walk away. So... I'm walking away.

Instructor:You are the worst bodyguards I have ever seen. You couldn't protect a Russian rock band.

Instructor:You're all terrible bodyguards. You couldn't protect a cardboard box.

Instructor:However, since you've all paid your tuition in full, you're all graduates.

Homer:Uh, dispatch, this is Papa Bear. Put out an APB on a Main Street pedophile.

Dispatcher:Uh, all units, we have a report of a child killer on Evergreen Terrace.

Homer:Uh, it's the quantity of the insides.

Homer:You're a pig, Mayor Quimby!

Mayor Quimby:I am not a pig! I am a man of distinguished bearing and impeccable character!

Homer:Nobody hurts my family while I'm around!

Homer:Snowball, you furry little menace, prepare to meet your maker!

Marge:Homer, it's just the cat!

Homer:That's what it WANTS you to think, Marge!

Homer:Sorry kids, kitchen's off limits. Security protocol.

Bart:Dad, we live here.

Homer:Not without the proper clearance, you don't.

Lisa:But I'm hungry.

Homer:Should've thought of that before you were born into a high-security facility.

Marge:Homer, you can't use a sleeper hold on the children!

Homer:Marge, they're fine. They're just resting their eyes.

Mayor Quimby:Now, we must all conduct ourselves with dignity and proper behavior.

Mayor Quimby:Say, is that a woman in a convertible? Follow her!

Moe:What do you want, Homer? I'm busy.

Homer:Moe, I need to talk to you about something important.

Moe:I don't got time for your problems, ya knucklehead.

Mayor Quimby:Moe! There you are!

Moe:Mayor Quimby! Welcome, welcome! Can I get you anything? A drink? A table by the window?

Homer:Woo-hoo! Free beer!

Moe:It's not free, Homer. You gotta taste-test it for me.

Homer:Oh. Well, what kind of beer is it?

Moe:It's a new experimental batch. I call it 'Pukahontas.'

Homer:Mmm... Pukahontas. You know, Moe, this beer is so smooth, so crisp... I'd call it a 'meh-beer.'

Moe:A 'meh-beer'?

Homer:Yeah, you know, not good, not bad. Just... meh.

Moe:Oh geez, the Mayor's here! Barney, get outta the bathroom! Lenny, hide that bucket of... well, you know what it is. And Homer, try to look like you're not a health code violation waiting to happen.

Mayor Quimby:Hello, Moe. Just a routine inspection.

Moe:Right, right. Everything's up to code here, Mr. Mayor. Squeaky clean. Well, except for that corner, and that stool, and technically me.

Moe:I promise we'll pass that health inspection. I'll get rid of all the rats, the cockroaches, the mysterious brown stains...

Homer:So I went to Krusty Burger today, and I ordered a burger. But then I realized I could get it with bacon, so I said, 'Make that a bacon burger.' Then I thought, why not add cheese? So it became a bacon cheeseburger. Then I added pickles and onions, so now it's a deluxe bacon cheeseburger with pickles and onions. Then I got crazy and said, 'Put it on a sesame seed bun,' so it's a deluxe bacon cheeseburger with pickles, onions, and sesame seed bun. By the time I was done, the guy behind the counter just looked at me and said, 'Sir, that's just called a hamburger.'

Homer:The mayor has a very busy day. He wakes up, eats a big breakfast, and then he goes to City Hall to accept bribes.

Lisa:Dad, that's not how it's supposed to work.

Lisa:Dad, this is corruption! The mayor is taking bribes!

Homer:So? At least he's efficient about it.

Lisa:Dad, that's not fascism, that's just good time management.

Mayor Quimby:Thank you for this generous contribution to my campaign.

Fat Tony:No problem, Mayor. Just doing business.

Mayor Quimby:Next time, could you make the bribe a little more subtle? Maybe wrap it in something less conspicuous than a giant briefcase with a dollar sign on it?

Homer:Dibs on the shrimp puffs!

Homer:And I'm calling the mozzarella sticks!

Mob Boss:Homer, we're here to discuss the protection racket.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, but first — dibs on those little hot dogs wrapped in bacon!

Homer:Why you little... Oh crumbs!

Fat Tony:We may be criminals, but we're not monsters. All our rats are humanely milked.

Homer:Kids, don't drink that milk! It's contaminated!

Nelson:But I was gonna use it for my cereal!

Homer:Nelson, it could make you very sick.

Nelson:Sick?! I can't afford to miss school. I'm already failing three grades!

Homer:Kids, stay away from that milk. It's been contaminated.

Bart:Can I drink the poison?

Homer:Well, you asked nicely... Okay.

Mayor Quimby:Simpson, you've been caught red-handed in a corruption scheme!

Homer:Oh yeah? Well, I once saved your life!

Mayor Quimby:When did you ever save my life?

Homer:I... uh... well, there was that time... look, the point is, I'm a hero!

Homer:Oh no! I killed the mayor! Wait... this could be funny. I'll prop him up at the town meeting and when everyone's looking at him, I'll yell 'He's been dead the whole time!' and they'll all laugh thinking it's a joke!

Homer:Mayor Quimby is dead. I'm climbing to the top of Town Hall to ring the bell of sorrow.

Mayor Quimby:I'm not dead!

Homer:He's not dead.

Mayor Quimby:Good heavens! I'm hanging from a building! This reminds me of the time President Eisenhower and I had a romantic rendezvous in a blimp over the Grand Canyon!

Mayor Quimby:I'm just admiring the architecture... and the, uh, lovely views of the municipal building across the way.

Fat Tony:I got four aces! Read 'em and weep, boys!

Mobster:Wait a minute... there's only four aces in a deck.

Fat Tony:So?

Mobster:You're holding five!

Fat Tony:Wait a minute... there are six queens here!

Mobster:So? What's wrong with that?

Fat Tony:There are only four queens in a deck, you cheating bum!

Mobster:Oh yeah? Well, look again, pal...

Fat Tony:Now there are seven queens! That's impossible!

Chief Wiggum:We're looking for a couple of filthy... uh... I mean, a couple of economically disadvantaged individuals.

Mayor Quimby:Can you fellas edit that out?

Camera Operator:Sure, Mr. Mayor.

Mayor Quimby:And maybe add some dignified music?

Mayor Quimby:Gentlemen, I assure you my integrity is beyond reproach!

Mobster 1:Ha ha ha!

Mobster 2:That's a good one, Mayor!

Mayor Quimby:I'm serious! Say, is there any way we can edit this like a TV show? You know, just cut out the part where I took the bribe?

Fat Tony:I'm not a vengeful man, but I am experiencing some mild irritation.

Homer:Oh, you're gonna whack me? Whack me with what, your purse?

Homer:I'm not scared of you, Fat Tony. I'm scared of... oh my God, is that a gun?

Fat Tony:Yeah, Homer. It's a gun.

Homer:Oh.

Chief Wiggum:Well, well, well. If it isn't Fat Tony. What's the matter, Tony? Did you get lost on the way to the pork chop convention?

Fat Tony:Why you little...

Chief Wiggum:Oh, don't get me started, pal. I know all about you and your so-called 'godfather.'

Chief Wiggum:Huh?

Vito Corleone:*voice* Make him an offer he cannot refuse.

Chief Wiggum:Oh Lord, it's the real thing!

Police Officer:We're releasing the rats from the milk operation.

Police Officer:It's not an infestation, it's a liberation.

Kent Brockman:This reporter has learned that the rats being returned to the sewers is actually a profound metaphor for the human condition. Are we not all rats, scurrying through the sewers of life, seeking cheese and avoiding traps?

Fat Tony:Wait a minute. You're tellin' me the health inspector is shuttin' us down because of rats?

Fat Tony:But I love rats. I appreciate rats. How can you shut down a man who appreciates rats?

Health Inspector:Because you were serving them in the food.

Fat Tony:Oh. Well, that's just good eatin'.

Bart:Wow, Fat Tony's really got it all figured out. Maybe I should become a mobster when I grow up.

Bart:Dad, I'm worried Fat Tony's getting angrier in jail.

Homer:Don't worry, son. He can't do anything to you from behind bars.

Bart:But what if he gets out?

Homer:He already did.

Homer:Bart, go start the car.

Bart:Why?

Homer:Just do it!

Mayor Quimby:I want to stay home tonight.

Mayor Quimby:I need to spend some quality time with my wife.

Maître d':Good evening, and welcome to our restaurant. A table for two?

Homer:Yeah, we need a table.

Maître d':Ah yes, but first you must understand our establishment operates with a certain... je ne sais quoi.

Homer:What's with the weird voice?

Maître d':Ah, you see, I have a severe case of nasal polyps that makes me sound this way.

Homer:Fat Tony! What are you doing at a musical?

Fat Tony:Homer, I'm a man of refined tastes. I appreciate the arts.

Mayor Quimby:Good heavens! A kiss from Fat Tony? Do you realize what this means? You're now under the protection of the mob!

Homer:Woohoo! Free protection!

Mayor Quimby:No, no, no! It means you're indebted to them for life! You'll have to do their bidding!

Mayor Quimby:Oh my God! I'm being threatened by the mob!

Homer:No, no. That's a kiss. Fat Tony wanted me to give you a kiss.

Mayor Quimby:Oh. Well, that's different. I thought it was a death threat. You know, I've been getting a lot of those lately.

Homer:Yeah, well, uh, I hope I didn't mess up the death threat part.

Homer:Wait a minute. This pie could be poisoned!

Homer:But it smells so delicious. What am I saying? Of course it's poisoned.

Homer:Oh well, I'm sure one little slice won't hurt.

Mark Hamill:I've played Luke Skywalker, fought the Empire, faced Darth Vader himself... and now I'm stuck in a community theater production where the lighting guy keeps shining the spotlight in my eyes and the set pieces are held together with duct tape and prayers.

Mark Hamill:This is worse than the Ewok movies.

Mark Hamill:I appreciate the artistic vision, but where's the craft services table?

Director:Mr. Hamill, we're in the middle of a scene—

Mark Hamill:I don't care if we're doing Hamlet. No snacks, no performance.

Fat Tony:Yeah, put the Mayor on the hit list.

Mob Henchman:Already on it, boss.

Fat Tony:And while you're at it, add his pets.

Mob Henchman:His pets, boss?

Fat Tony:Yeah, the cat, the dog, the whole nine yards. I want them all taken out.

Fat Tony:Louie, I want you to whack Krusty.

Louie:But boss, what about Moe? He still owes us money.

Fat Tony:Krusty first, then Moe. It's on the list.

Louie:Oh, okay. Just checking the order.

Fat Tony:Look, it's simple. You whack the guy, you take his wallet, and you leave town for a while. Got it?

Louie:But boss, do you... do you still love me?

Assassin:I'm a professional killer. I've completed 247 assignments without a hitch.

Assassin:But now they're forcing me to participate in the school musical.

Assassin:I have to sing and dance in front of hundreds of people.

Assassin:I've eliminated mob bosses with my bare hands, but I can't get through 'Springtime for Hitler' without breaking a sweat.

Louie:♪ We're gonna whack the guy, gonna make him die, gonna stuff him in a car and drive on by ♪

Fat Tony:Louie! What are you doing?!

Louie:You said to do the musical number, boss!

Fat Tony:Not about the assassination mission, you moron!

Homer:Oh, it's just some guy doing a dance number. What's the big deal?

Marge:Homer, that's the dancing assassin from act two!

Homer:Marge, all these fancy theater shows are the same. Next thing you know they'll have a musical about a girl who talks to plants. I'm going to get a hot dog.

Assassin:Your comedy album sales have dropped 50% since the special aired!

Mark Hamill:So, you're a big Star Wars fan?

Homer:Yeah, I love that movie. Say, you know what would be great? If they made forks that were also lightsabers.

Mark Hamill:...

Homer:Then you could cut your food AND defend yourself at the dinner table.

Homer:I have defeated my enemy! I am the greatest fighter in all the land! Nobody can—

Fat Tony:Eh, don't be so sure about that, pal.

Mark Hamill:You know, I really outdid myself this time. My performance was absolutely brilliant. The way I delivered that line? Oscar-worthy. The subtle inflections, the perfect timing... I mean, I've been in this business for decades, and I have to say, that was some of my finest work ever. Not to brag, but I think that scene will go down in history. Future generations of actors will study what I did there. It was transcendent, really. A masterclass in acting.

Mark Hamill:I need to fight fans again? Why would I— Oh wait, is that my lightsaber prop over there?