Homer The Vigilante

Lisa:Mom's priceless heirloom was stolen.

Marge:It was passed down through four generations of my family.

Homer:No big loss.

Homer:You have a lot of necklaces like that?

Marge:Oh yes, I have several just like this one.

Homer:Really?

Marge:They're all heirlooms.

Bart:Dad, someone stole my stamp collection.

Homer:Your stamp collection? Since when do you collect stamps?

Bart:Since forever, man. I've been working on it for years.

Homer:Wow, I had no idea you were into that nerdy stuff. Good for you, boy.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Bart:What's so funny?

Nelson:Your stamp collection is gone!

Bart:Oh man, I'm being mocked by the show's resident bully.

Ned:Well howdy-doodly, Homer! Fine weather we're having!

Homer:Go away.

Flanders:Well, they stole my weather vane, my sundial, my birdbath, and worst of all, they turned my sacred religious relic into a beach umbrella!

Marge:Homer, did you buy the insurance like I asked?

Homer:Even better, Marge! I bought magic beans!

Marge:Magic beans? Homer, those aren't real!

Homer:Not real? Then how do you explain this?

Homer:The guy said if I plant these, a giant beanstalk will grow and I'll find treasure at the top!

Marge:Homer, you bought Jack and the Beanstalk beans instead of insurance!

Homer:Marge, this is way better than insurance. Insurance doesn't have giants!

Chief Wiggum:Now let me just connect these dots here... and here... and here...

Chief Wiggum:Well, I'll be! All the crimes point directly to the police station!

Chief Wiggum:We've got a real mystery on our hands.

Lou:Hey, the arrow's pointing at the police station!

Chief Wiggum:Oh my God! It's pointing at us!

Chief Wiggum:All units, retreat! Scatter!

Kent Brockman:I'm not making wild accusations, but the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant may be leaking radioactive waste into our water supply.

Kent Brockman:Is it time to panic?

Professor Frink:Yes, panic is appropriate.

Chief Wiggum:Now, I'll use this evidence handkerchief to show how our police dog tracks a scent.

Chief Wiggum:Phew, it's hot out here.

Chief Wiggum:Well, that'll do it.

Security Salesman:Don't worry, the real humans burn much slower.

Otto:Whoa, man! A light show! Rainbow! That's so cool, dude!

Jasper:I can see! I can see! Oh wait, no I can't.

Jasper:A cat burglar! A cat burglar!

Abe:Relax, Jasper. It's just me borrowing some ointment.

Abe:Sure, I'll lend you some ointment.

Abe:But I gotta warn you - Malloy borrowed it last week and he didn't wash his hands first. Or after. Or during, come to think of it.

Malloy:He's actually just watching TV and commenting on a show

Homer:Lisa, I got you a replacement for your saxophone!

Lisa:Dad, that's just a jug.

Homer:A jug? LISA, this is a MUSICAL JUG! Watch this!

Homer:Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Lisa:Dad, stop—

Homer:I'M ON A ROLL NOW, SWEETIE! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! OOOOOOH!

Homer:Lisa, you can't just stop playing the jug! We're in the middle of a hoedown!

Lisa:But Dad, I don't want to play anymore.

Homer:Don't want to? RULES ARE RULES, Lisa! Once you start a hoedown, you see it through to the end. That's the code of the hoedown!

Ned Flanders:Well, howdy-diddly-do, neighbors! We need to talk about the crime-a-rooney in our neighborhood. I've got a real humdinger-diddly of a plan to stop these criminal-a-diddlies!

Crowd:Someone else! Someone else!

Homer:I'm someone else.

Moe:You should be the leader, Homer. You got all the qualifications.

Homer:I do?

Moe:Yeah. You're stupid, you're ignorant, and you act without considering the consequences.

Barney:I'm full of piss and vinegar!

Barney:Well, I was full of vinegar before I added the piss.

Abe:I've done a lot of important things in my life, boy. Things that shaped history.

Homer:Really, Dad? Like what?

Abe:Well, back in '43, I helped clear out an entire village. Completely emptied it. Not a soul left.

Homer:Wow, Dad! That's amazing! You're a real go-getter!

Homer:Your grandfather's too old to help us, Maggie.

Homer:Goo goo ga ga, aren't old people useless?

Maggie:*sucks pacifier in agreement*

Homer:We can handle guns responsibly!

Homer:See? Nothing bad is gonna—

Various vigilantes:*gunshots*

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Okay, from now on, we're using code names. I'll be... 8-Ball.

Homer:And you'll be... 8-Ball.

Moe:We can't both be 8-Ball, you idiot!

Herman:The government made mini A-bombs specifically to target beatnik counterculture.

Homer:Take that, you beatnik!

Homer:And that's for Maynard G. Krebs!

Homer:Hey Bart, can I borrow your megaphone?

Bart:It's not a megaphone, Dad. It's a MC Hammer Amplification System.

Homer:Attention everyone! Over here!

Crowd Member:Oh my God, is that MC Hammer?!

Crowd:MC Hammer! MC Hammer!

Homer:No, no, I'm Homer Simpson—

MC Hammer:Yo, that ain't me, fool!

Crowd:STOP! Hammer time!

Homer:Hey, what's with the saxophone?

Person:I'm just practicing for my school band recital.

Vigilante 1:A saxophone?! That's a weapon!

Vigilante 2:Get him!

Innocent bystander:No, wait—

Homer:Hey! You can't burn leaves here!

Citizen:Actually, I have a permit.

Homer:A permit? That's never stopped me before!

Homer:*attacks*

Chief Wiggum:Lou, why did you do that?

Lou:Well Chief, I was just following the official police list of acceptable reasons.

Chief Wiggum:What reason?

Lou:I felt like it.

Chief Wiggum:Oh, that's on the list. Carry on.

Herman:I want to join your group.

Vigilante Leader:Well, the only qualification is the ability to swing a doorknob.

Herman:I can do that!

Vigilante Leader:Great, but you'll need to fill out these forms in triplicate, get three references, and pass a background check.

Homer:Yeah, we were like vigilantes. One time this old lady talked back to me, so I punched her in the gut.

Lisa:But Dad, who watches the Watchers?

Homer:Uh, Regis and Kathie Lee?

Homer:We've expanded our activities. We're now doing neighborhood patrols, community outreach, world domination... oh wait, that's probably a typo.

Lisa:Dad, why would you want to take over the world?

Homer:Well, if I ruled the world, I could make donuts a food group and declare nap time a national holiday.

Lisa:But Dad, wouldn't that be bad for everyone else?

Homer:That's why you're a security threat, Lisa. You think too much.

Homer:Statistics? Pffft. Everyone knows that 4 out of 5 people make up 80% of the population.

Kent Brockman:Are you saying the vigilantes are causing crimes?

Homer:Yeah, pretty much.

Kent Brockman:Well, that seems fair.

Cat Burglar:Hello, Homer Simpson. This is the Cat Burglar.

Homer:The Cat Burglar? Who is this?

Cat Burglar:I just told you — the Cat Burglar!

Homer:Look, pal, I don't know who you are, but if you're selling something, we're not interested.

Homer:Wait... is this Marge?

Kent Brockman:Homer, you just attacked someone on live television!

Homer:Oh, that was just the stage manager. Sorry, buddy.

Cat Burglar:That's all the time we have.

Kent Brockman:Not so fast! I'm the host of this show, and I decide when the segment ends!

Abe:I'll help you catch that burglar, boy!

Homer:Thanks, Dad. Just try not to fall asleep or die.

Homer:Halt! You're under arrest for burglary! Now, it all started when I was born in Springfield General Hospital, where my father Abe was waiting in the maternity ward with my mother Marge—well, not Marge yet, she was Marge Bouvier then—anyway, my father was so excited he dropped a cigar on the floor, and the nurse, whose name was Edna, no wait, that was my teacher, anyway the nurse said...

Burglar:Thanks, pal.

Homer:Wait, where are you going? I haven't even gotten to the part where I ate the poisoned blowfish!

Homer:Hey! You kids can't drink in here!

Homer:Do you have a permit for that beverage?

Homer:I was not asleep! I was drunk!

Otto:Man, I've lost faith in everything. I'm gonna become a lawyer.

Homer:A lawyer?!

Abe:Nobody ever visits me anymore. You kids don't care about your old man. I sit in that home all day long, and does anyone—

Homer:Uh huh, yeah, that's great Dad.

Homer:Well, I gotta go.

Abe:Wait, I'm not finished! I was just getting to the part about my war stories and—

Abe:I've been doing some detective work. I call my falls 'trips to the ground.' It's a sneaker way of saying sneaking around.

Abe:I saw something suspicious today. A man walking down the street completely upright, shoulders back, head held high.

Abe:I immediately called the police. That's not normal behavior.

Abe:And finally, the stolen centerpiece exhibit... well, you know how us retirees are. We collect things.

Homer:Dad, I love you.

Abe:Oh, that's nice, boy. Now kiss me on the liver spot.

Kent Brockman:Well, isn't this ironic? Here we are, reporting on a news story about the dangers of fake news.

Malloy:Yes, the irony is almost as thick as the makeup on your face.

Abe:We old folks are still useful! Why, just last week I caught a criminal.

Abe:But that's nothing compared to what I did in World War II — I shot down four enemy planes and seduced a general's daughter!

Malloy:Here are your stolen personal items, Selma.

Selma:My ball made of celebrity hair! I've been looking everywhere for this!

Malloy:Yeah, well, it was in the evidence locker.

Chief Wiggum:You know, being in law enforcement means upholding the highest standards of integrity and honesty.

Fat Tony:Here, Chief, this is for you.

Chief Wiggum:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not in front of everybody!

Malloy:You want to know where I hid the loot? It's somewhere you'd never think to look. It's hidden in a place that's both obvious and invisible at the same time. Good luck finding it, suckers!

Malloy:Alright, alright! You take Main Street to the corner of Fifth and Main, then you hang a left at the traffic light — no wait, it's a right, actually it's a left past the Kwik-E-Mart, and then you'll see a big oak tree, or it might be a elm, and you count about four utility poles after that, or was it five? Anyway, you'll pass a house with blue shutters, or maybe they were green, and then—

Crowd:*attacks*

Malloy:You tricked me about the water depth!

Child:It's just a joke, Malloy!

Malloy:Well, I suppose that's fair. You got me good.

Kent Brockman:Professor, what do you recommend we do about this crisis?

Professor Frink:Well, Kent, first we try rational solutions. Then we move to irrational ones. And finally, we eat each other's brains.

Kent Brockman:Eat each other's brains?

Professor Frink:Yes, it's quite nutritious, and the protein content is surprisingly high. I'd start with the frontal lobe, very tender.

Malloy:Dear friends, I regret to inform you that the treasure you seek does not exist. I merely sought to bring you together for this adventure. Sincerely, Captain Malloy.

Homer:Who the hell is Captain Malloy?

Homer:I'll dig us out of here!

Chief Wiggum:Homer, no! We need to dig UP, not down.

Homer:Up? Why didn't you say so?