The Last Temptation Of Homer

Homer:D'oh!

Bart:I strategically placed banana peels in premium parking spaces, short-circuited the ticket machine, and released a swarm of bees in the attendant's booth. It's not just chaos, man—it's *organized* chaos with a touch of class.

Ned Flanders:Well, I declare! This parking lot has become a veritable Shakespearean tragedy of automotive proportions. Verily, the lack of orderly vehicle placement is as troubling as a Dickensian workhouse! Diddily-doodily, somebody oughta call the authorities-diddily-diddily!

Driver 1:Come on, just pull in already!

Driver 2:I'm trying! There's like two inches on each side!

Driver 3:Move it! Some of us have places to be!

Driver 2:Oh, like where? The unemployment line?

Driver 1:That's it, I'm going in!

Driver 4:No, I saw this spot first!

Driver 3:This is madness! Absolute madness!

Driver 2:I'm abandoning my car. I'm just going to walk.

Driver 1:We're all walking!

Bart:Eat my shorts, man. This is the best day ever!

Homer:Why is the parking lot a complete disaster?

Bart:I may have let the air out of everyone's tires.

Homer:Why would you do that?!

Bart:Because it's hilarious, dude.

Mrs. Krabappel:In America, we believe in democracy and the principle of innocent until proven guilty.

Mrs. Krabappel:Now sit down and shut up, or I'll send you to the principal's office!

Teacher:Bart, can you read the next word?

Bart:Uh... it's... guh... gluh... gwuh...

Bart:Bleurgh... schleeeuh...

Bart:Thrrrugh... mwaaaahhh...

Martin:Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know! Pick me!

Martin:You four-eyed dweeb! You pathetic loser!

Bart:Well blow me down, gov'nor! I'm a Cockney now, innit? I could be the next Professor 'Iggins!

Worker 1:The emergency exit! Come on!

Worker 2:It's painted on!

Worker 1:What?!

Worker 2:It's just a picture of a door!

Multiple Workers:Nooooo!

Homer:Well, Mr. Burns, how about a bucket of ice water for my groin?

Homer:Or maybe some asbestos padding for my desk chair?

Homer:Oh! And those radioactive donuts in the break room - could we maybe label those?

Mr. Burns:Release the hounds!

Smithers:Sir, where does this tube lead?

Mr. Burns:I haven't the faintest idea. It's been there for years.

Homer Simpson:Woohoo! Best job ever!

Lenny:Dude, where'd he go?

Carl:Down the tube, man.

Mr. Burns:I need a new worker for this dangerous job. How much would an illegal immigrant work for?

Mr. Burns:You're not an illegal alien, Zutroy.

Zutroy:¡Gracias, Señor Burns! ¡Usted es muy amable!

Mr. Burns:You're American, aren't you?

Zutroy:Si, si, señor!

Agent Wesson:You can't just enslave people who survive plane crashes.

Mr. Burns:Well, technically, I can. And I did. Twice.

Mr. Burns:A duck? Named Stewart? Preposterous! Though I suppose he does work for minimum wage and doesn't complain about the working conditions.

Eye Doctor:Well, your son has a severe lazy eye. I'm afraid he's gonna need thick corrective lenses.

Homer:How thick?

Eye Doctor:Well, he'll look like Menachem Begin.

Bart:Who's Menachem Begin?

Eye Doctor:An Israeli Prime Minister. Very powerful man. Feared throughout the Middle East.

Homer:Cool!

Doctor:This throat spray will help with your voice.

Bart:Thanks, Doc!

Bart:Oy vey, what's happening to my voice? I'm talking like I'm from Brooklyn or something!

Plant Worker 1:I don't know why they had to hire women at the plant. It's just not right.

Plant Worker 2:Yeah, now we can't scratch ourselves or tell dirty jokes anymore.

Plant Worker 3:And I had to stop using the women's bathroom to take naps on the floor.

Plant Worker 1:This is the worst day of my life.

Plant Worker:I didn't pee in the drinking fountain.

Plant Worker:Well, not today anyway.

Plant Worker:I mean, not since last Tuesday.

Plant Worker:Look, the point is, I'm not doing it anymore.

Homer:Whoa! Mindy!

Plant Worker:What's wrong with him?

Plant Worker:His brain's telling him one thing, but his body's telling him something completely different.

Homer:It wasn't my fault! I ate some gravy I found in the parking lot!

Jimbo:Nice shoes, four feet!

Bart:That doesn't even make sense.

Nelson:Ah yes, the practice of derisive commentary coupled with physical gestures of contempt. A time-honored tradition of peer-to-peer psychological warfare, if you will. Ha-ha!

Bart:Wait a minute. With my spiky hair, my shorts, and my big eyes, I look like a total nerd!

Milhouse:Yeah, well look at me! I've got the thick glasses, the pocket protector, the high-water pants... I AM a nerd!

Fish:Oh, Mindy!

Fish:Kiss me, Homer!

Barney:Homer, those fish ain't real. I know hallucinations when I see 'em. I've had more hallucinations than you've had donuts. And that's saying something, pal.

Carl:Dude, why are you being so chatty today?

Homer:I don't know, I just feel like talking!

Carl:Well, cut it out. You're freaking me out.

Homer:Come on, we're friends! We should share things.

Carl:We are NOT friends, Homer.

Homer:Oh, we're not? Well, I go through a lot of stuff you wouldn't believe. Just this morning, I had the most incredible—

Carl:Stop. I don't want to hear about your bathroom habits.

Homer:How did you know I was going to—

Carl:Because you always do this.

Homer:Hey Moe, I got a question about a friend of mine.

Moe:Yeah, what is it?

Homer:His name is Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo.

Moe:Joey Jo-Jo? JOEY JO-JO!

Joey Jo-Jo:That's me!

Moe:Get out! And take that stupid name with you!

Joey Jo-Jo:Why does everyone always do this to me?

Joey Jo-Jo runs out of the bar in tears.

Moe:Hey, what's the matter with you? You look like you got hit by a truck!

Barney:I did.

Moe:Well, that explains it.

Homer:Barney, that was some really insightful relationship advice.

Barney:Thanks, Homer. I just read it off this bar napkin.

Homer:Mmmmm... double glaze.

Mindy:You like double glaze too?

Homer:Oh yeah... oh yeah... ohhhhhhh yeah!

Homer:Mindy, we have so much in common. We probably even agree about comic strips.

Mindy:Oh, I hate Garfield.

Homer:Me too! It's not funny, and the cat's a jerk.

Mindy:I know! And I hate Cathy too.

Homer:Me too! What's the deal with her outfit?

Homer:So Mindy, I've been meaning to ask you... would you like to get some coffee sometime? I mean, you know, just as friends. I think you're a really intelligent woman and I respect your... your...

Mindy:My what, Homer?

Homer:Your... breasts! I mean, your brains! Your brains!

Homer:Mindy, you're a beautiful woman. I'm going to think of you as something unsexy. You're a beer-guzzling accountant.

Homer:Nope, still got it.

Homer:His own burp disgusts him

Homer:D'oh!

Lisa:Well, according to my calculations, the fish sticks should have been perfectly cooked at 350 degrees for 12 minutes. The fact that they're now charcoal briquettes can only mean one thing: the oven is operating in some sort of alternate dimension where time moves differently.

Marge:Maggie, eat your vegetables.

Homer:Hey, where'd the baby's food go?

Lisa:A raccoon! It's stealing from Maggie!

Maggie:*pacifier suck*

Marge:Well, I spent all afternoon preparing this roast beef dinner.

Homer:Mmm, roast beef.

Marge:I had to fight off three raccoons just to get the groceries inside.

Lisa:That's actually a common problem in suburban areas. Raccoons are highly intelligent and have learned to associate human dwellings with food sources.

Bart:Cool! Ninja trash pandas!

Homer:The only thing stealing food at my dinner table is me!

Marge:Homer, I have wonderful news! They're putting our picture on T-shirts!

Homer:That's great, Marge!

Marge:And I got a wonderful discount because my shirt was defective.

Homer:Defective? What's wrong with it?

Marge:It has you on it.

TV Announcer:Coming next on Fox: a bold new drama about presidential affairs. 'Hale to the Thief.'

Nature Documentary Narrator:In the springtime, the male of the species experiences an uncontrollable urge...

Homer Simpson:Oh, that's me!

Nature Documentary Narrator:...to seek out a new mate, even though he already has one at home.

Homer Simpson:D'oh!

Homer Simpson:Hello, is this the temptation hotline?

Hotline Operator:Yes, sir. What seems to be troubling you?

Homer Simpson:Well, there's this donut right in front of me, and I'm trying not to eat it.

Hotline Operator:I see. My advice is to eat the donut.

Homer Simpson:You're a lifesaver!

Guardian Angel:Homer, I am Sir Isaac Newton, discoverer of gravity.

Homer:Oh, you're that guy from that sci-fi show... Red Dwarf!

Angel:Homer, you're facing a serious moral dilemma. You need to focus on what's really important.

Homer:You're right, you're right. Wait, did you see Hogan's Heroes last night? Sergeant Schultz almost caught Colonel Hogan!

Angel:Homer, that's not what I meant—

Homer:No wait, don't tell me what happens! Well, actually, go ahead.

Homer:Jeeves, are you happy?

Jeeves:Yes, sir. Very much so.

Homer:Good. Now get me a donut.

Homer:Marge? You're President of the United States?

President Marge:Yes, Homer. I've worked very hard to get here.

Homer:Well, I'm very proud of you. Now where's my beer?

Nerd Leader:Welcome to our secret hideout, Bart. Here we can be ourselves.

Nerd Leader:We do our homework here.

Bart Simpson:Homework? That's your idea of fun?

Nerd Leader:It's more than fun, Bart. Homework is our sanctuary activity.

Nerd Kid 1:Welcome to our group, Bart!

Nerd Kids:Ay caramba!

Homer:Oh, Mindy, why does love gotta be so hard? Why can't it just be easy like... like...

Homer:Candy... I'm half crazy all for the love of Candy!

Homer:Wait, no... Candy... with a shot of lithium...

Lisa:Dad, why are you singing?

Homer:Well, sweetheart, I was on Broadway! Yes, I was the star of a show called 'Oh, the Humanities!' It was a smash hit. We ran for eight weeks. I won a Tony Award, which I then lost in a poker game to Bette Midler.

Lisa:Well, based on these lyrics, Dad could be attracted to a woman, or possibly a man.

Homer:Look Lisa, a distraction!

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:I'm so nervous about talking to Mindy. What if I say something stupid?

Lenny:You always say something stupid, Homer.

Homer:Yeah, but not on purpose! Look at me, I'm sweating like that film critic guy.

Barney:Which one?

Homer:You know, the one who's always sweating. Gene Siskel!

Mr. Burns:We're going to Capital City.

Mindy:Oh, so it's like Chicago's 'Windy City' mixed with New York's 'Big Apple'... the Big Windy?

Homer:Colonel Klink would never fall for that!

Angel/Klink:You know, I always wondered how Hogan managed to pull off that escape in Season 3, Episode 12.

Homer:Right?! It's genius!

Bellhop:Here are your rooms. Enjoy your stay.

Bellhop:*makes exaggerated moaning and rhythmic sounds*

Homer:I'm not a bad guy! I do innocent things all the time. Why, just last weekend I built a fort out of couch cushions.

Mindy:Come on, Homer. Let's do something wicked. Something that could get us in real trouble.

Homer:Wicked? You mean...?

Mindy:I'm talking about ordering the expensive room service. The stuff they don't want you to order.

Homer:Oh.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I want you to install surveillance cameras in every room. I suspect someone is ordering room service without my permission.

Smithers:Very good, sir. I'll have them operational by tonight.

Mr. Burns:Excellent. And if I see one unauthorized BLT, there will be hell to pay. They'll be flying monkeys compared to what I'll do to the culprit.

Homer:Mmm... donuts...

Mindy:Oh!

Homer:Whoa!

Mindy:Sorry, I didn't see you there.

Homer:No problem. We can share.

Homer:Wait, do you hear that? It sounds like Marge saying 'stop'!

Mindy:That's just the ice machine.

Homer:It's a sign from above! Even the ice machine knows this is wrong!

Ned Flanders:Well, I'll be diddly-doodly! Those orthopedic shoes are a blessing from the Lord! I prayed every night that Bart would need corrective footwear!

Bart:Listen up, you guys. I know you think nerds are losers, but let me tell you something. One day you're gonna need that nerd. You're gonna need him to fix your computer, or help you with your taxes, or figure out why your internet is down. And when that day comes, you're gonna wish you treated him with respect.

Kearney:Hey, Simpson! Time for your daily beating!

Bart:Actually, I've decided to embrace my inner nerd. I'm starting a Linux user group and I've memorized all the periodic table elements.

Dolph:Uh... what?

Jimbo:Did he just say something about... computers?

Bart:Furthermore, I'm organizing a Dungeons and Dragons campaign and I have opinions about which Star Trek series is superior.

Kearney:We don't know what he's talking about, but it sounds like nerd stuff.

Dolph:Yeah, and now we gotta respect him or something.

Jimbo:Come on, guys. We can't beat up a nerd. That's like, totally uncool.

Bart:See? The social hierarchy has inverted. I'm now untouchable.

Protester 1:Stop the nuclear power plant!

Protester 2:You're destroying the environment!

Protester 3:Hey fatso, go back to the donut shop!

Protester 4:Nuclear power kills!

Homer:Wow, a fortune cookie about finding new love! This is amazing!

Restaurant Worker:Yeah, about that... those aren't random fortunes.

Restaurant Worker:We've got targeted fortune cookies now. Yours was selected based on your browser history and purchasing data.

Homer:You can do that?!

Restaurant Worker:It's the future, buddy.

Homer:"You will soon be hungry again." Hey, that's not a fortune, that's a threat!

Homer:I think about Marge and the kids all the time.

Homer:Well, except Bart. That kid really annoys me.

Homer:Sometimes I have violent thoughts about him.

Homer:Marge, I'm home! I chose you over Mindy!

Marge:Oh Homer, welcome back. I have a surprise for you.

Homer:What is it?

Marge:It's that turkey from the hotel. I thought of you.

Homer:You remembered the turkey? Marge, you're the best!

Homer:Oh, Marge! I'm so glad to be home with you. You know what? I'm gonna sing you a song!

Homer:♪ Marge, Marge, the morning after Marge... I thought our love would be so grand... But Marge, the pipes are frozen and the car won't start, and I'm eating cold leftover clams... ♪