Homer Vs Patty And Selma

Barney:Yeah, I got money to burn.

Barney:Well, at least enough to singe.

Homer:I have a very sophisticated investment strategy.

Barney:Oh yeah? What is it?

Homer:I buy low and sell high. Plus, I've been investing heavily in pumpkins.

Barney:Pumpkins? In January?

Homer:That's right. Pumpkins peak in January. It's basic economics.

Homer:Here's to us!

Barney:Homer, why do you have a waffle stuck to your back?

Homer:What? I do?

Homer:Hey Barney, those are great cigars!

Barney:Thanks Homer, I got 'em on sale.

Homer:Wait a minute... you're still smoking the plastic wrapper!

Barney:So?

Moe:Homer, you can't just throw money at a pumpkin and expect it to grow into a fortune.

Homer:Why not?

Moe:Because that's not how pumpkins work, ya dummy!

Homer:Why panic? I'll just sell one of my organs. I've got two of everything... well, except for that one thing.

Homer:I need money desperately. I know! I'll burn down my house and collect the insurance!

Marge:Homer, that's insurance fraud!

Homer:Insurance fraud? I thought you said 'in-shirt ants fraud.' Eh, I'm doing it anyway.

Marge:Homer, if you want me to stop wearing makeup, I will.

Homer:What? No, I love your makeup. I was just saying you don't need it.

Marge:Well, that's sweet. So what do you want to give up for me?

Homer:Give up? I don't have to give up anything. I'm a man.

Marge:Homer, if I'm making a sacrifice, you should too.

Homer:Fine, fine. I'll stop eating your makeup.

Homer:I'm gonna take out the trash!

Marge:Homer, what are you doing?

Homer:I'm taking out the trash!

Marge:You mean the garbage?

Homer:No, your mother!

Marge:Homer is a complex man with hidden depths. He's not just a simpleton.

Homer:D'oh! I'm gonna go sit on the couch and drink beer.

Patty or Selma:The bizarre seed packet metaphor comparing Homer to disposable packaging

Homer:Yeah, I'd like to place a bet. What do you mean 'How will I pay?' I'll mail you a check!

Bookie:Sir, the game is on Sunday.

Homer:Yeah?

Bookie:It's already Wednesday.

Dream Businessman:Homer, this is the greatest invention of our time! It's revolutionary, it's innovative, it's... it's...

Dream Businessman:Well, it's something that will change the world forever!

Homer:So you like it?

Dream Businessman:Like it? I love it! The possibilities are endless! The potential is unlimited!

Homer:Yeah, but what does it do?

Dream Businessman:Do? Homer, that's not the important question. What matters is that it's groundbreaking, paradigm-shifting, absolutely magnificent!

Homer:I've got it! The greatest invention ever!

Dream Executive:Fantastic! Show us what you've created.

Homer:Well, it's right here... I just can't seem to look at it directly.

Homer:Every time I turn my head, it's not there anymore.

Dream Executive:Perhaps you could describe it to us?

Homer:I... I can't remember what it was!

Homer:Wait, wait. What did I invent?

Executive:You don't remember? You invented it!

Homer:Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. What is it?

Executive:It's a doohickey.

Homer:A doohickey? What's it do?

Executive:Nobody knows.

Homer:I call Bart 'Chew-boy' because he's always chewing on the walls.

Bart:Dad, I don't chew on the walls!

Homer:That's why I call you Chew-boy.

Narrator:It was a beautiful day in Springfield.

Bart:Hey man, what's pollination?

Homer:Well son, when a bee loves a flower very much...

Bart:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Bees are gettin' busy with flowers? That's sick, man!

School Official:Alright children, line up orderly for gym class selection.

School Official:We'll proceed in an organized, civilized manner.

Multiple Children:I want dodgeball! No, basketball! Volleyball! Kickball!

School Official:Children, please! One at a time!

Multiple Children:Me! Me! Pick me! I'm first! No, I am!

School Official:No! Stop! Get off me!

Milhouse:I'm late for school! If I'm not there in five minutes, they'll mark me truant!

Milhouse:Do you know what happens to truants? They get sent to truant school! And do you know what happens at truant school? You learn... TRUANCY!

Bart:I'm fine alone. I don't need anyone. I'm totally independent and self-sufficient. Right? ...Right?

Bank Teller:I'm sorry, Mr. Szyslak, but we can't approve your loan application.

Moe:What? Why not? I got a steady job, I got collateral...

Bank Teller:Your credit history shows multiple instances of assault and battery.

Moe:Oh, that's just how I do business! You think I'm gonna let some deadbeat walk outta my bar without payin'? I gotta crack some skulls!

Bank Teller:That's... that's not how lending works.

Moe:Well it should be! I'll tell ya, I'm gonna beat ya so bad you're gonna be beggin' to give me that loan!

Homer:Wait, wait! Instead of breaking my legs, what if you just gave me some head trauma?

Homer:It's much more convenient.

Bart:I'm not taking ballet. That's for girls!

School Official:Fine. You're expelled.

Bank Official:I'm afraid your credit history is quite poor, Mr. Simpson.

Homer:Well, that was a long time ago. Can't you just forget about it?

Bank Official:I'm sorry, but it's on your permanent record.

Homer:Permanent record? But that was just that one time in third grade when I... when I ate the paste!

Bank Official:We're foreclosing on your house, Mr. Simpson.

Homer:You can't take my house! I'll hide it!

Bank Official:Hide it? Where?

Homer:I'll paint it to look like the sky.

Bank Official:We have satellite images.

Homer:Then I'll dig a tunnel to China and move the house there!

Bank Official:That's... not physically possible.

Homer:Fine! I'll move to the moon and build an exact replica, and you'll never know which one is the real one!

Bank Official:We'll just foreclose on both.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Slanty!

Patty:Homer, you're disgusting.

Selma:Yeah, a real slob.

Homer:Oh yeah? Well at least I can see my feet without a mirror!

Homer:Calling the sisters fertilizer and estimating their weight

Marge:Homer, be careful with those chairs. You're going to break someone's neck.

Homer:Relax, Marge. What's the worst that could happen?

Marge:Well, someone could break their neck.

Homer:Mmm... Interpol.

Patty:We know about that time you went to Vegas and married that showgirl.

Selma:We have photographs.

Homer:Oh no! How did you—

Patty:You're our meal ticket now, Homer. We own you like a casino owns a two-bit lounge singer.

Selma:Except you're not even good at your job.

Marge:I'm so sorry, I only have Nescafé.

Marge:I know it's not fancy, I should have gone to the store, I'm a terrible wife and mother, please forgive me, I'll do better next time, I promise.

Homer:I'm not giving foot rubs. I'm a... reflexology technician.

Ballet Teacher:Now, in ballet, we have very specific roles. There's the prima ballerina, the corps de ballet, and then there's the person who goes in the back and does all the hard work that nobody sees.

Bart:That's just like my life!

Russian Ballet Teacher:Ballet requires strength and determination. You must be fierce, powerful warrior of the dance!

Russian Ballet Teacher:Now, you will wear this tutu and play Tinkerbell.

Ballet Teacher:Here, put this on.

Bart:What is this?

Ballet Teacher:Your costume. Now go on, you little fairy.

Russian Ballet Teacher:You know, wearing tights is like Batman wearing tights — it makes perfect sense for the job. But adding Magellan the explorer? That's inexplicable!

Bart:Ballet? No way, man. That's for girls.

Lisa:Bart, ballet is a respected art form.

Bart:Whatever.

Bart:Wow, this is actually pretty cool! Check out my arabesque, man!

Homer:That's my boy... a sissy.

Patty or Selma:Ew, what is that smell?

Patty or Selma:Homer must be in here.

Patty or Selma:Homer, you've become positively obsequious since you owe us money.

Homer:Obsequious? I'm just trying to stay on your good side!

Patty or Selma:That's exactly what we mean — you're being so servile, it's like you're our financial serf.

Patty or Selma:Look at him crawl around like a baby!

Patty or Selma:Goo goo, ga ga! Goo goo, ga ga!

Patty or Selma:Homer, we told Marge about your investment.

Homer:You did WHAT?! Why would you do that?!

Homer:Now I'm gonna get in trouble! This is so unfair!

Homer:I've been a terrible husband and provider. I deserve an F.

Homer:But as a dog, I'd give myself a B+.

Homer:I don't deserve breakfast.

Homer:I'll just have a bowl of plain oatmeal, black coffee, and a single piece of toast.

Homer:Actually, make that eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, pancakes, waffles, French toast, and a stack of donuts.

Marge:Homer, aren't you going to have breakfast?

Homer:No, I'm too ashamed. I can't face food right now.

Homer:Actually, I'll have the Number 3: two eggs, bacon, hash browns, wheat toast, and a side of sausage.

Homer:Wait, can I get that with pancakes instead?

Homer:And a chocolate chip muffin.

Homer:No, that's dessert. I shouldn't...

Homer:But I deserve it after the day I've had.

Homer:You're right, Homer. Make it two muffins.

Homer:Why is the TV on? I turned it off!

Lisa:Dad, that's impossible. The power cord isn't even plugged in.

Homer:Well, it's still on. See? Supernatural or broken, either way I'm not fixing it.

Comic Book Guy:Mmm, such grace, yet masculine. It's OK to like this.

Man in audience:I remember when Fame came out. What a great movie!

Man in audience:Well, technically it was a TV series first, then they made a movie based on the TV series.

Homer:Young Frankenstein? I loved that movie! That monster was so scary!

Mel Brooks:It's a comedy, Homer. A parody of horror films.

Homer:A parody? No, no, that thing was terrifying. When he killed all those people, I was on the edge of my seat!

Mel Brooks:Homer, the whole point was to make fun of—

Homer:And that hunchback assistant? Creepiest thing I've ever seen. Why would you make a scary movie like that?

Chief Wiggum:Back in my day, we had cave nationalism. Each cave had its own national anthem.

Chief Wiggum:The Granite Cavern cave's anthem was just rocks falling for three hours.

Chief Wiggum:We'd get real upset if another cave used our stalactites without permission.

Chief Wiggum:Started wars over whether stalagmites or stalactites were superior. Petty stuff.

Bart:For years, I have hidden my true passion behind a veil of skateboarding and mischief. But tonight, I stand before you as my authentic self: a prima ballerina of unparalleled grace and artistry!

Homer:That's my boy!

Marge:Oh Bart, we're so proud of you.

Bart:Yeah, well, laugh it up. I took ballet lessons. So what? At least I'm not afraid to try new things, unlike some people who just sit around making fun of other people.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Bart:Oh, go ahead. But you know what? I can do something you can't do.

Nelson:Oh yeah? What's that?

Bart:A perfect pirouette. Ha!

Ballet Teacher:Remember class, ballet is a weapon. Use it.

Bart:Thanks, teach!

Ballet Teacher:Now go en pointe... for justice.

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Bart:Wait, Lisa! Before you go... my arm's still broken. Who's gonna help me wipe my butt?

Homer:God teased Moses.

Marge:Homer, God didn't tease Moses. He tested him.

Homer:Sure, I'll get along with the twins. I'll be nice to them.

Homer:I'll pat them on the head like a friendly dog.

Homer:Then I'll hug them like a bear.

Homer:Then I'll squeeze them like a python.

Homer:Then I'll crush them like a hydraulic press.

Homer:Yeah, yeah, very funny. You know, I've mastered the art of doing nothing. It's not easy—it requires years of dedication and practice.

Homer:First, you gotta find a comfortable couch. Then you gotta find the remote. And if you can't find the remote, you just stay where you are and hope someone brings you snacks.

Homer:The key is to never, ever think about anything productive. Just let your brain turn to mush. Before you know it, you've wasted an entire day and you're proud of it!

Examiner:That's a deduction for unsafe lane change.

Homer:Well, I'm deducting points for your stupid face.

Examiner:You can't deduct points.

Homer:Oh, yeah? Well, I'm deducting points for your tone of voice, and another five for that elitist attitude.

Patty:We weren't smoking!

Selma:That's not our cigarette!

Patty:We were just... holding it for a friend!

Selma:Yeah, and we were keeping it warm!

Patty:With our lungs!

Homer:These aren't mine, they're... they're for a friend.

Marge:Homer, I found them in your jacket.

Homer:Oh, all right, they're mine. But I'm not addicted! I can quit anytime I want. I just choose not to.

Homer:Besides, the cigarette company says it's a flavor country. How bad can that be?

Bart:Dad, that's just advertising.

Homer:Advertising? Son, I'm planning to move us there.

DMV Supervisor:I apologize for my earlier behavior. Calling you smokers worse than Hitler was completely out of line.

Patty:Homer, we can't thank you enough for saving our hides.

Selma:We owe you our lives.

Homer:Ew! You're making it weird!

Patty:Homer, you really saved our hides.

Selma:Yeah, we don't know what we would've done without you.

Homer:Please, please, I'm begging you — don't make me visualize that.