Selma

Hello, Patty. Hello, Selma. How was your trip? Fine. you both look well. Thank you. Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. It's Christmas?

you wouldn't know it around here. And why is that? For one thing, there's no tree I was just on my way out to get one!

And when he surprised you with the Connie Chung calendar?

Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver? - No. - Good.

Patty, stop drooling. / Look who's talking.

You look different, Homer. Lose weight? You got a tan. I know what it is, a new tie.

Some people find your turkey a little dry. Now they'll have an option.

-So insincere. -How does she put up with him?

-Yikes! What is that? -It's the centerpiece. -It's taking up real estate. -Move it, toots!

-Hey, that got her going! -Bitchen!

Hello, Selma. Hello, Stanley.

I'll get right to it. I'm getting older and uglier. Please, Marge, help me find a man before it's too late.

Your first date in 25 years is more important than playing cards.

You don't want to show up for your big date looking like Yosemite Sam.

You don't want to show up for your big date looking like Yosemite Sam.

Achingly beautiful.

Two minutes younger. Skin like a china doll. Bosoms till Tuesday.

Can the sweet talk! You're right. It's time to end my girlish dreams... and grab hold of the next train out of the station.

It takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse.

It's time to give away my love like cheap wine.

Jeezum Crow! Look at the size of that rock! The second most precious jewel here.

I said crazy house! Poorhouse. Crazy house! Poorhouse.

What do you know. He's wearing pants. I owe you lunch.

Ugly. / Ugly. Butch.

You're also fat. / I'm also fat!

And this is Patty trying to plug her razor into those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets. As you can see, we never got the hang of it.

You're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha. - I am not. - Yes, you are.

Don't be a fool. That man is scum. - Then call me 'Mrs. Scum.'

I bought stock in a Mace company just before society crumbled.

Holy frijoles! We've got ten minutes till MacGyver. Driver, here's a fin. Get me home, and don't spare the whip.

41 years ago, God took 168 pounds of clay, and he made me a woman, and for this, I thank him.

Soon I will kill you. - Huh? - Son pieds sentit beau-- French for 'her foot smells lovely.'

Voy a matar a usted. - Wha? - That's Spanish for 'I am going to kill you.' - Say what?

Don't forget to die. - Ding-dong.

We're hugging us. What do we do? Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

Don't worry. We'll get that 'barking dog' record tomorrow. Patty, I want a baby.

You're lookin' at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it. [Imitates Tiger Snarl]

So, wearing a belt, are ya? Yep. No suspenders for you. I guess not.

Cold biscuits... chicken... yellow... mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir.

Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

A Nobel Prize winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh! One of the Sweathogs. I checked. It's not Horshack.

Ooh! You look just like your picture.

I got a lotta love to give and, right now, my only outlet is my ham radio.

No man will want you. All I got now is sperm in a cup.

Twenty-two immigrant laborers died during its construction. Plenty more where that came from.

This is a disgrace. Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational.

You're charming the pants off of me. What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

Can't you do something? Hey. Surly only looks out for one guy-- Surly. Sorry, Surly. Shut up.

I think their father is missing a chromosome.

You take an ordinary bed sheet, fold it around like this-- No. I mean raising kids.

When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

You can fit your whole head in it. / Don't be scared, JubJub. It's Mama.

Selma, my dear, your lock of MacGyver's hair. / Ohh. Thank you. I'll add it to the ball.

Patty and Selma tornado aftermath: 'I feel it all the way up my skirt' / 'Ditto'

Now, bring us extra chairs like a good 'blubber'-in-law. Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags should do it!

You're gonna help us clean and organize them. And pry out all the dead hermit crabs. Get a screwdriver.

Nah, I just bought it to soak my feet in.

How come no Chippendales dancers ever come in to renew their licenses? They carpool. That's the problem.

I remember you from such films as Meet Joe Blow and Give My Remains to Broadway.

Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Mm-mmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh.!

Well, I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from scratching my butt all day.

Well, not much happens to me... but I once had dinner with a movie star... and it was the most wonderful night of my life. Really? Who was it? George Segal? I hear he plays the banjo.

My God! It's like five cigarettes at once! Oh, my head is swimming! That's not cigars, baby. That's love.

And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier... take the fabulous Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband? I already told you yes.

I want to see the Troy McClure I remember from such films... as Make-Out King of Montana and The Electric Gigolo.

My sisters have come down with a case of the green-eyed gazungas.

You're tied down to a man who'd have to bathe to be a slob.

Are you gay? Gay? I wish! If I were gay, there'd be no problem.

Come on, JubJub. Let's go home, and I'll microwave you some nice roaches.

I seem to have mashed more hair into it.

I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure.

God knows it's long enough without Nahassapetapeeta-whatever.

This needs more eye of newt. You always want more eye of newt. If it were up to you, the brew would be nothing but newt eyes.

Looking for a good time, sailor? I certainly am. No, you're not! He's really not.

In your face, Patty and Selma! - Well, we still love you, Ciggy.