Barts Girlfriend

Adult:Dances in Underwear

Child:That's not a real Native American name!

Adult:Well, it should be!

Ralph Wiggum:Cowboys and Native Americans, bang bang!

Ralph Wiggum:I'm gonna shoot you with my rifle... I mean, offer you some blankets!

Ralph Wiggum:They gave them cooties blankets!

Ralph Wiggum:I'm eating the caps!

Bart Simpson:Why are you eating the caps?

Ralph Wiggum:They're delicious!

Bart Simpson:Hey, we're trying to play historically accurate cowboys here!

Nelson:Oh yeah? Well I've got the Quantum Photon Disintegrator 3000!

Bart Simpson:Nelson, that didn't even exist back then!

Nelson:Ha-ha!

Nelson:Ha-ha! You can't prove this crossbow is anachronistic! Medieval historians still debate weapon timelines, so technically it could've existed then!

Bart:Aw, crap!

Bart:Ay caramba!

Marge:Bart! Watch your language! You have such a commode mouth!

Marge:Children need to learn morals and love.

Reverend Lovejoy:Of course, Mrs. Simpson. Let me read them a passage from the Bible.

Reverend Lovejoy:[reads extremely violent biblical passage]

Reverend Lovejoy:And so the Lord said unto Moses, 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's oxen...'

Troll doll:Ahahaha! That's crazy!

Bart Simpson:Shh!

Marge:Look at this thing's hair! It's all messy and wild and sticking up everywhere. That's no way to look.

Bart:Mom, have you looked in a mirror lately?

Reverend Lovejoy:I'd like you all to meet my daughter, Jessica.

Bart:I'm suddenly very interested in religion.

Worker 1:Why is that lighthouse pointing inland?

Worker 2:I dunno, seems like a design flaw.

Worker 1:We're nowhere near the ocean!

Unknown worker:I hate this lighthouse!

Homer Simpson:Why? What's wrong with it?

Unknown worker:It's backwards! The light should be on the outside so ships can see it!

Bart:Check it out, Jessica. I've been reading the Bible to expand my intellectual horizons.

Jessica:That's impressive, Bart.

Bart:Yeah, it's got some pretty crazy stories. I mean, most of it sounds totally made up, but the parts about regular people doing normal stuff? Those I actually believe.

Bart:Hi Jessica, I'm Bart Simpson. I've heard a lot about you and I think you're really cool.

Jessica:Thanks... uh, what was your name again? Anyway, gotta go.

Lisa:Bart, Jessica is way too sophisticated for you. She's into opera, fine dining, and abstract art. You're more of a... devil's cabana boy.

Sunday School Teacher:Now children, I want you to paint Jesus as you imagine him.

Ralph:I'm done! Look, it's Jesus!

Sunday School Teacher:Ralph, that's... that's very unique. Can you tell us what you see?

Ralph:Well, he's got a big pointy hat, and he's floating in a boat made of clouds, and he's got a frog head, and he's saying 'Hi, Ralph!'

Bart Simpson:Can I go back to Sunday school?

Marge Simpson:Of course, honey! That's wonderful!

Sunday School Teacher:Welcome back, Bart! We've missed you. Now, let's talk about the Ten Commandments.

Bart Simpson:Actually, I was wondering... what about the Eleven Commandments?

Sunday School Teacher:There are only ten, Bart.

Bart Simpson:Well, there's also no stealing, no lying, no talking back, no skateboarding indoors, no eating cupcakes before dinner, no staying out past curfew, no watching R-rated movies, no playing with matches, no pulling the cat's tail, no feeding the hamster after midnight...

Marge Simpson:Bart, what hamster?

Teacher:Welcome back, Bart. Like Lazarus rising from the dead.

Student 1:Who's Lazarus?

Student 2:Is he on TV?

Teacher:No, it's from the Bible.

Student 1:Oh, I thought you said some guy named Lazarus.

Bart:The slingshot sits there on the desk, gleaming like the Holy Grail. My fingers twitch with anticipation. Can I resist? Should I resist? This is my greatest test yet.

Bart:Mrs. Krabappel drones on about the Sermon on the Mount. The slingshot whispers to me: 'Use me, Bart. One little shot. Milhouse is two rows back...'

Bart:Sweat beads on my forehead. My hand moves toward it. No. No! I am stronger than this. I am a beacon of moral fortitude in a sea of—

Bart:Wait. Did Ralph just pick his nose? That would be so easy to hit...

Groundskeeper Willie:Ach, ye see, in ancient Scotland, we wore the finest ball gowns intae battle! The English didnae know what hit 'em when they saw our ruffles and sequins comin' over the hill!

Groundskeeper Willie:Aye, the brave Scottish warriors wore kilts into battle, ye see. 'Twas practical attire for the Highlands.

Groundskeeper Willie:And beneath the kilt, nothin' but pure Scottish pride and the cold Highland wind!

Groundskeeper Willie:Some say the English were so frightened by the sight of a Scotsman's bare backside, they'd flee in terror without firin' a shot!

Groundskeeper Willie:In fact, we'd sometimes wear coconut shells on our feet to sound like horse hooves and confuse the enemy into thinkin' we had cavalry!

Groundskeeper Willie:And on Tuesdays, we'd paint ourselves blue with woad mixed with haggis juice, which made us invisible to the naked eye!

Groundskeeper Willie:Ach! What're ye lookin' at? I'm a grown man, I can do what I want! Besides, ye lily-livered, knicker-wearin' sassenach!

Principal Skinner:Bart, I'm afraid I have some disturbing news. Scotchtoberfest was actually a sting operation.

Bart:What?! But Willie's stories about Scottish history were so educational!

Principal Skinner:Yes, well, it turns out Groundskeeper Willie was working undercover for the Department of Education the entire time.

Bart:No way! Willie, is this true?

Groundskeeper Willie:Aye, lad. I'm sorry. It was all part of the operation.

Bart:What?! You're setting me up?! After all we've been through together?!

Principal Skinner:Simpson, it's just detention.

Bart:JUST detention?! You've stabbed me in the back! You've broken my trust! I thought we had something special, man!

Bart:I'm gonna go sit in the cafeteria and sulk dramatically where everyone can see me!

Marge:Homer, I'm so glad you're being so supportive about Bart's first date. You must be very emotional.

Homer:Emotional? Marge, I'm not emotional. I'm just thinking about that great song... 'Disco Stu's Disco Fever.' Now that was a tune!

Bart:My family values learning over grades.

Reverend Lovejoy:That's wonderful, boy. Now, if you have five apples and I take three, how many do you have?

Bart:Five.

Reverend Lovejoy:No, no, you'd have two.

Bart:Maybe in your family, Reverend, but in mine, I'd still have five apples because I'd keep them from you.

Bart:Hey man, I don't need to know math. I'm training for the 2024 Olympics.

Lisa:Bart, what sport?

Bart:Competitive Not Knowing Stuff. It's gonna be huge, dude. I'm already favored to medal.

Reverend Lovejoy:I'm skeptical about these rocket-sled Olympics.

Bart:Oh, come on, Reverend. Where's your sense of adventure?

Reverend Lovejoy:Well, Bart, the Bible teaches us that pride comes before a fall.

Bart:Yeah, well, the Bible also says 'thou shalt not kill,' but you still eat meat, don't you?

Reverend Lovejoy:That's different, Bart.

Bart:How is it different? You're still a hypocrite!

Reverend Lovejoy:Young man, I'm appalled! You used the word 'butt'!

Bart:But Reverend, it was just—

Reverend Lovejoy:Don't you 'but' me!

Bart Simpson:And then he said 'damn'!

Reverend Lovejoy:Good Lord!

Marge Simpson:Bart!

Reverend Lovejoy:I've never heard such language at the Simpson dinner table!

Bart:I know you're bad news, but I'm attracted to that. You're like the evil Natalie Portman.

Bart:Jessica, that toilet papering technique was flawless. The way you draped it across the oak tree, the artistic loops, the perfect angle of descent...

Bart:I've never seen such grace, such precision, such... beauty in an act of pure vandalism.

Bart:Will you marry me?

Nelson:Why you little! You're besmirching the good name of Jessica!

Bart:Ow! Ow! Hey, watch it!

Bart:Ay caramba! The coefficient of friction between my skateboard and this pavement is increasing exponentially!

Bart:Hey, is that glue truck secure?

Worker:Don't worry, kid. This glue ain't going nowhere.

Worker:It's bolted down tighter than...

Marge:Bart seems troubled lately. What do you think is wrong with him?

Homer:I don't know, Marge. But I'll tell you what—ever since he lost those glasses, he's been a real handful.

Marge:Homer, Bart doesn't wear glasses.

Homer:Exactly! He lost them!

Marge:Homer, I'm worried I'm being too overprotective of the children.

Homer:Overprotective? Marge, you're not smothering them to death.

Marge:That's what I'm afraid of!

Homer:Well, if you do, make sure you use a pillow. They can't execute you if there's no evidence.

Groundskeeper Willie:Ach, I'm savin' the wee turtles!

Groundskeeper Willie:They're climbin' up me legs! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!

Groundskeeper Willie:There's hundreds of 'em! I can't feel me feet!

Bart:Yeah, Jessica's like a box of chocolates, man. You never know what you're gonna get.

Lisa:Bart, that's from Forrest Gump. And it doesn't even apply here—you've known Jessica for years.

Bart:Aw man, you're right. Uh... she's like a Lunchables? Sometimes there's ham, sometimes there's turkey, and you're always disappointed?

Library Boy:Actually, the romance section is in the back. These books are in the wrong place.

Lisa:Oh... I was hoping to find a book about how to tame a wild librarian.

Library Boy:That's not really a—

Lisa:You know, win his heart with my intelligence and charm. Maybe he'd finally notice me.

Bart:I can resist her influence.

Jessica:♪ Come to me, Bart... ♪

Bart:No! No, I won't!

Jessica:♪ You know you want to... ♪

Bart:Ay caramba, that's horrible screeching!

Bart:Look, Jessica, this isn't working out. We need to break up.

Jessica:But why, Bart? What's wrong with me?

Bart:It's not you, it's me. I'm a petty thug, not a criminal.

Jessica:What's the difference?

Bart:Exactly! There shouldn't be one, but apparently there is, and I'm just not criminal enough for you.

Homer:There you go, Lord. A coupon for a free Kwik-E-Mart Squishee. I'm sure you'll find a good use for it.

Marge:Homer, that's not a donation.

Homer:Well, we've been very blessed this year, Marge. I think we can afford to give a little back.

Reverend Lovejoy:Congregation, I want you to look at something truly shocking.

Reverend Lovejoy:We have Unitarians in our midst.

Congregation:*shocked gasps*

Reverend Lovejoy:Yes, and I remember you sitting in the front row, hanging on my every word.

Bart:Jessica's a criminal mastermind. She's wanted in three states for fraud, she's got a fake passport collection, she laundered money through a beauty supply store, and she uses coconut-scented shampoo.

Lisa:Well, at least she has a sweet-smelling aura.

Lisa:Whoever stole the church bake sale money, I want you to step forward right now.

Congregant 1:I confess! I stole it to buy culottes!

Congregant 2:I confess! I've been using the holy water to wash my car!

Congregant 3:I confess! I've been saying "Amen" but I don't even know what I'm praying for!

Congregant 4:I confess! I wore a wire to church!

Congregant 5:I confess! I laughed during the sermon!

Congregant 6:I confess! I'm not even supposed to be here! I followed a group!

Chief Wiggum:Now let me get this straight. You're telling me someone stole the church collection money?

Chief Wiggum:Well, that narrows it down to about 30,000 suspects.

Jessica:I stole the test answers.

Principal Skinner:Jessica, this is serious. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?

Jessica:Actually, that's just the beginning. I've been stealing since third grade. Lunch money, library books, a car when I was twelve.

Marge:A car?

Jessica:I've robbed seven convenience stores, forged three sets of documents, and I may have committed insurance fraud. All for attention.

Homer:That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. I mean, you could've just acted out in school like a normal kid.

Bart:I'm not gonna fall for your tricks anymore, Jessica. I'm my own man!

Jessica:Oh really? Then why don't you prove it by giving me your lunch money?

Bart:Here you go.