Groundskeeper Willie

You haven't seen the last of Willie!

I told you you'd be back!

Sounds like that gopher I caught in me lawn mower.

Help me, please. I fell down the well! I'll get help, laddie. A little nip of courage.

Don't worry about your wee fish, lass. They're going to a better place.

Miracles are your department, Reverend.

Get your haggis right here! Chopped heart and lungs... boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good for what ails ya!

Hey, wolfie, put down that hors d'oeuvre. It's time for the main course!

My God, man. I've watered her down as far as she'll go. I cannot water no more.

Groundskeeper Willie's emotional breakdown: 'I didna cry when me own father was hung for stealin' a pig... but I'll cry now.'

Ach. Me mule wouldn't walk in the mud. So I had to put 17 bullets in him.

What? Have you gone waxy in your 'beester'? I cannot fit in the wee vent, ya croquet-playin' mint muncher!

Then grease me up, woman! - Okeydokey.

There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.

'Tis more dizzyin' than the belfry at St. Corgegluynwaagen's.

Make way for Willie! I said make way for Willie, ya bloated gasbag! - Seymour. - Hmm? - You're fired!

Spill it! Where's your brother? You'd better answer him, Lisa. He's a good cop/bad cop routine gone wrong

'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.

Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.

Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.

'Tis no more than what God gave me, you Puritan pukes.

Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me!

I didn't come forward because in this country... it makes you look like a pervert. But every single Scottish person does it!

Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

The school normally doesn't smell so rank.

You're lucky you're getting a decent burial. Me own father got thrown in the bog.

What in the name of Saint Ephesiocritus...?

I want a crystal bucket for my slop water. And a brand-new filthy blanket.

There's no pressure. Someone else has tapped this well.

And wound that Mr. Smithers. Out of my way.

Look at 'em! Oh, I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.

She could be rife with them 'boogs' too.

I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!

You want to pick on immigrants, then pick on Willie!

Ach! Ingrates.

Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning. Quick work. How'd you know he was gonna run? We've got someone on the inside.

Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back.

Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.

Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I ate him! I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts... and I 'ate the way he's always barking!

Good Lord! The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt.

[Shouts In Thick Scottish Accent] Can't you understand English?

You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school! Oi! Oi! Oi!

Ach! Those morons make me so angry. Maybe so. But I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them morons. But they are morons.

Hit the road, Lefty. You too, Rizzo. Oh, Cinnamon, don't make this harder than it already is.

They still have the same pool table on which I was conceived, born and educated.

They still have the same pool table on which I was conceived, born and educated.

Ach. Let's see what's been captured on the up-kilt camera.

Ew. This lass needs a bit of grounds keeping. Eh? Aah! That's Willie!

My name is Mary. I'm 45, heavy and willing to settle for less.