Scenes From The Class Struggle In Spring

Homer:D'oh!

Bumblebee Man:¡Ay, ay, ay, ay! ¡El dolor! ¡El sufrimiento! ¡No puedo soportarlo!

Grampa Simpson:Let me help you with that there television. I know all about these newfangled contraptions.

Homer Simpson:Dad, no. Just sit down.

Grampa Simpson:Nonsense! I'll just adjust this knob here...

Marge Simpson:Homer, stop him!

Grampa Simpson:And this wire goes... somewhere important, I'm sure.

Lisa Simpson:Grandpa, you're going to break it!

Grampa Simpson:Break it? I'm fixin' it! Now where's the on switch... is it this big red button?

Homer Simpson:Nooo!

Bart Simpson:There goes the TV.

Homer:Marge, adjust the antenna!

Marge:I'm trying, Homer!

Bart:Move it to the left!

Lisa:No, to the right!

Grampa:You're doing it all wrong! Give it here!

Homer:Dad, you're making it worse!

Grampa:Quiet, you! I know what I'm doing!

Bart:Now we're getting nothing but static!

Grampa:That's called picture-in-picture, boy. Very fancy.

Bart:Ay caramba! We can get a new TV!

Lisa:Well, if you need a practical new TV, you should check out that fancy boutique electronics store downtown. They have this amazing handcrafted, artisanal television set. It's made from reclaimed wood and features a display screen that's been individually blessed by a meditation monk.

Homer:How much?

Lisa:Only $47,000.

Homer:D'oh!

Lisa:We could get that limited edition designer TV.

Bart:Oh yeah? Well I want the one that's been blessed by a Tibetan monk and comes in a box made of reclaimed wood from a Victorian orphanage.

Marge:Well, I've learned that if a store is fancy enough, they don't have to charge less — they just make you feel bad about yourself until you buy something.

Homer:Wow! A TV that's almost as good as the real thing! And look, a Knockoff brand computer!

Store Clerk:Sir, those are clearly counterfeit.

Homer:Counterfeit? I prefer to think of them as 'inspired by' the originals. I'll take six!

Homer:Look at these great deals! A Soney TV for only $49!

Marge:Homer, that says 'Soney.'

Bart:And check it out—a Panaphonic stereo system!

Lisa:That's not even close to Panasonic.

Homer:Who cares? And look—a Magnetbox VCR!

Marge:It's spelled wrong on everything.

Homer:These are the savings of a lifetime!

Salesman:You're right, our competitors' TVs are better. But here's the thing—

Salesman:ours is cheaper, and that's what really matters, isn't it?

Salesman:This model has a picture tube that glows when you turn it on!

Salesman:And it's got sound that comes out of these little boxes on the sides.

Salesman:You can even change the channel with this remote control — no more getting up!

Salesman:Plus, it comes in a variety of earth tones to match any living room decor.

Homer:A TV for $39.99? That's the best deal I've ever heard!

Salesman:Yes, sir. Will that be cash or credit?

Homer:Cash. I've got exactly 3,999 pennies in my car.

Marge:Homer, these clothes don't feel like us anymore.

Homer:What are you talking about? I'm wearing them right now.

Cletus:Well howdy, Brandine! Look at all these fancy clothes!

Brandine:I know, Cletus! But we ain't got money for none of this fancy stuff.

Cletus:That's the beauty of it, woman. All I need is my overalls and a t-shirt with a hole in it.

Brandine:And I just wear whatever's clean... or cleanish.

Cletus:Exactly! We're already dressed perfect for our jobs.

Brandine:We sure are, Cletus. Now let's go back to the truck and take a nap.

Lisa:Mom, there's a Chanel suit in here!

Marge:Oh my stars! Where did that come from?

Lisa:It was in the back of the closet. It still has the tag on it.

Marge:I forgot I even had that. It must be worth a fortune!

Marge:Oh my! A genuine Chanel suit for only $19.99!

Salesman:That's our clearance price, ma'am. Originally $2,000.

Marge:Two thousand dollars?! For this?

Salesman:It's 99% off. You're saving almost $2,000!

Marge:I'm not saving money, I'm spending it! I don't have $2,000!

Salesman:But think of it as a bargain!

Homer:Wow, Marge, you look great in that outfit! You're as sophisticated as Mary Hart from Entertainment Tonight.

Marge:My idea of treating myself is decaffeinated coffee.

Marge:Well, it's actually my patriotic duty as an American to stimulate the economy. If I don't spend money, the terrorists win.

Marge:Homer, why won't you go out somewhere nice with me?

Homer:Marge, what's the point? We go out, we come back. We eat, we get hungry again. We go to bed, we wake up. It's all meaningless.

Marge:Homer, that's not—

Homer:In the end, Marge, we're all just dust returning to dust. Why dress up for dust?

Apu:Ah, welcome back, Mrs. Simpson. I see you have upgraded your wardrobe. Please allow me to show you our premium items.

Apu:Perhaps some imported water? Volcanic ash? A frozen popsicle made from the tears of a lonely yak?

Apu:This pen, it is not just any pen. It is a writing instrument of distinction and sophistication. Notice how the barrel is crafted from the finest plastic, imported from... a plastic factory. And when you click it, hear that sound? That is the sound of quality. The ink, it flows like a river of words. And look here - when you turn it upside down, a tiny hula girl dances. Is this not worth the small investment of ninety-nine cents?

Customer:I need to fill up my tank.

Gas Station Attendant:No speaky English.

Customer:But you just—

Gas Station Attendant:No speaky English!

Customer:Fine, I'll pay with a credit card.

Gas Station Attendant:Credit card no good. Cash only.

Customer:Help! I don't know how to use the pump!

Gas Station Attendant:It's self-service.

Customer:But I'm not a self!

Evelyn:You married Homer Simpson? Homer Simpson?

Marge:Yes.

Evelyn:...

Marge:Yes, I did.

Marge:Back in high school, I wasn't part of the popular crowd like some girls. While they were at yacht clubs and country clubs, I was at the... the DMV getting my learner's permit renewed.

Mr. Burns:Attendant! I require your most premium distillate. And be expeditious—I have a tee time at the club.

Gas Station Attendant:That'll be $40.

Mr. Burns:Forty dollars?! In my day, one could purchase an entire motorcar for such a sum. And the oil! Surely you have something more... refined? Perhaps imported from the Orient?

Gas Station Attendant:It's just regular unleaded, sir.

Mr. Burns:Regular? REGULAR?! I shall require your manager post-haste. This establishment is woefully inadequate.

Marge:Homer, you can't wear that to the country club. What's your fashion role model?

Homer:Well, I'd have to say Magnum P.I.

Marge:Homer, just because all the other fathers jump off a bridge, that doesn't mean you should too!

Homer:Well, if all the other fathers are doing it... Marge, I want to be Sipowicz.

Lisa:The country club represents an antiquated bastion of elitist exclusion, perpetuating socioeconomic stratification through artificial membership barriers.

Marge:Lisa! You can't say 'bastion' in front of the children!

Marge:Now Bart, when we get to the country club, I don't want you running any of your scams.

Bart:Aw, Mom! That's like, half my identity!

Security Guard:Name?

Homer:Simpson.

Security Guard:First name?

Homer:Homer.

Homer:And before you ask, yes, we can afford to be here.

Homer:We're not poor! We're just... financially challenged.

Marge:Homer, that's the same thing.

Homer:No it's not, Marge. Poor is a state of mind. We're just temporarily broke.

Evelyn:We pronounce it 'Beaumont,' not 'Bow-mont.'

Evelyn:And our son is 'Jean-Luc,' certainly not 'John-Luke.'

Evelyn:We're ever so much more refined than you common people.

Country Club Woman:Well, Marge, you certainly have... bold hair. It's almost like you're trying to tell us something with that blue beehive. My therapist says that unusual hairstyles are often a cry for help. But I'm sure you're just being yourself, which is... brave.

Homer:We don't belong here.

Marge:Well, I get all my recipes from magazines.

Marge:I always say, if you truly love your family, you have to cook for them yourself. It shows them how much you care.

Rich Woman 1:But Marge, that's what we have servants for.

Marge:Oh, I know. Isn't it wonderful that they have families to cook for too?

Country Club Woman:I'm very independent. Why, just yesterday I microwaved my own soup.

Country Club Woman:Of course, my maid still had to clean up the mess.

Lisa:The country club is basically like the Playboy Mansion, except without all the sexuality.

Bart:Yeah, so I'm at the country club, right? And I go to the bathroom, and there's this guy in there.

Bart:He's like, 'Let me wash your hands for you, sir.' And I'm like, 'Dude, I can wash my own hands.'

Bart:But he keeps following me around with paper towels and cologne and stuff. So I'm like, 'How much is this gonna cost me?'

Bart:And he says, 'Whatever you think is fair, sir.' So I gave him a dollar to leave me alone.

Homer:Son, if you want to negotiate with the bathroom attendant, you gotta think like a businessman. First, you lowball him. Offer him like a nickel.

Bart:A nickel? He's asking for a quarter!

Homer:Exactly. Then when he refuses, you go up to a dime. He'll think he's winning, but you're really in control. It's called the ol' Simpson Squeeze.

Marge:The great Gatsby teaches us that the rich are different from you and me.

Homer:Yeah, they're better!

Rich Golfer:Waiter, I'll have the lobster thermidor.

Waiter:I'm afraid we're out of lobster today, sir. How about some nice bologna?

Rich Golfer:Bologna?! Do you know who I am? I don't eat lunch meat!

Waiter:Well sir, it's imported Italian bologna. Very expensive.

Rich Golfer:Imported? Well, that changes everything! I'll take it!

Lisa:The geopolitical implications of this trade policy are fundamentally flawed. We must consider the asymmetrical power dynamics and—wait, are those horses?

Country club woman:Nice hair. Did you get it done at the car wash?

Country club woman:Marge, dear, that's such a... unique outfit. We saw you wearing that exact dress at the club last month, didn't we?

Marge:Oh, well, yes, I—

Country club woman:How wonderfully practical of you. Some of us just can't help changing our clothes so frequently. Such a burden.

Country club woman:That's a lovely outfit, Marge. Do you wear it often?

Other woman:I've seen her in that exact same dress at least three times this month.

Country club woman:Well, some women just find what works and stick with it. How... practical.

Tom Kite:Homer, I can help you with your swing. You're doing everything wrong.

Homer:Everything wrong? Tom, I've been cheating this whole time and I'm still terrible!

Tom Kite:Don't overthink it. Just relax and let your swing happen naturally.

Homer:Not thinking? That's my problem!

Tom Kite:You're doing great, Homer! Keep it up!

Tom Kite:Hey! That's my locker! Get away from my locker!

Homer:Did you know that a golf handicap is when you're really bad at golf?

Marge:Yes, Homer, that's what a handicap means.

Homer:So if someone has a handicap of 20, that means 20 assassins are after them?

Marge:No, Homer, that's not what it means at all.

Homer:Did you know that JFK was shot in Dallas? And his golf handicap was a 10.

Homer:So technically, his score that day was even worse.

Marge:I need to alter my suit to look different.

Homer:Just cut a hole in it and stick your belly through. Problem solved!

Country club woman:Oh, what a... charming outfit. I suppose one can find such fabrics at the... discount retailers?

Lisa:I can't believe it. I've finally found something I enjoy more than playing the saxophone, protesting injustice, and being intellectually superior to everyone around me.

Lisa:Who knew horseback riding could be so fulfilling?

Country club woman:With bells on? More like with alterations on. I've seen that suit altered more times than I've seen my own reflection.

Country Club Woman:Well, I don't think that was very nice. Making fun of someone's appearance? That's just cheap, obvious humor that anyone could write.

Homer:Alright, let's see... 18 holes, par 72... I'm gonna need about 50 sheets of toilet paper.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, who is that man?

Smithers:That's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ donors—I mean, employees, in Sector 7G.

Smithers:Mr. Burns has never lost a game of golf in his life.

Homer:What about that time he played against the former president?

Smithers:Oh, he let him win out of pity.

Burns:I let Nixon win because a man in his position needs a certain... flexibility with the law.

Burns:Besides, I admired his work. *does Nixon impression* I'm not a crook! Well, not in the way they mean anyway. Say, what's the minimum security prison like these days? Do they have golf?

Burns:I could have had Nixon killed, but I decided to let him win. You see, I was moved by his pathetic plea about how vulnerable he'd be in prison.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, eh? Like Nixon?

Homer:No, Simpson.

Mr. Burns:Yes, yes, Simpson. Close enough.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, is Homer Simpson any relation to Richard Nixon?

Smithers:No sir, Mr. Burns. Homer Simpson is a nuclear safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, whereas former President Nixon was a politician who served from 1969 to 1974 and resigned due to the Watergate scandal. Additionally, Mr. Simpson has only two eyes, while Nixon also had two eyes, though their facial structures, genealogies, and career trajectories are entirely distinct.

Mr. Burns:Ah yes, quite right Smithers. Carry on.

Lisa:Mom, can you help me with my homework?

Marge:Not right now, sweetie. Mommy's trying to concentrate.

Maggie:*sucks pacifier loudly*

Lisa:But Mom, it's really important!

Marge:Lisa, please, just five more minutes.

Bart:Hey Mom, where's my clean underwear?

Homer:Marge! Where's my dinner?

Marge:Everyone just... QUIET! I'm trying to alter this suit!

Marge:Well, I suppose there's a bright side to everything. At least now I have an excuse to go shopping for a new outfit!

Homer:

Marge:Well, I suppose it could be worse. At least my hair is still perfect!

Marge:Do you have any formal wear?

Thrift Store Clerk:Yeah, we got some classy stuff. Just came in from an estate sale.

Marge:Oh wonderful!

Thrift Store Clerk:Yeah, we're really moving up in the world. Next thing you know, we'll have a customer with all their original teeth.

Discount Store Clerk:This one here has a stain, but if you turn it inside out, nobody will notice. And this beauty has a broken zipper, but that just means it's got character. As for this dress, well, the hem is coming undone, but I've got some duct tape in the back that'll fix it right up!

Discount Store Clerk:Here's another option.

Discount Store Clerk:I've been wearing this Halloween costume since 1997.

Salesperson:How about this one?

Marge:Oh, it's lovely!

Salesperson:Yes, I wear it every day.

Burns:Simpson, your audacity is only matched by your incompetence. I shall take great pleasure in firing you... personally. Consider yourself on notice that your employment hangs by a thread as gossamer as a spider's web in a hurricane.

Homer:D'oh!

Burns:That's right, Simpson. D'oh is right.

Mr. Burns:Simpson, you must approach this golf swing with the precision of a Swiss chronometer and the grace of a Balanchine dancer. The golf ball is but a metaphor for life itself — spherical, insignificant, and destined to disappear into a hole.

Homer:So... just hit the ball?

Mr. Burns:Good heavens, no! You must first meditate upon the cosmic significance of your stance, contemplate the Newtonian physics governing trajectory, and achieve a state of Zen-like oneness with your nine iron.

Homer:I'll just swing real hard.

Marge:Do you have any high-quality clothes?

Store clerk:Our best offer is damaged discount athletic wear.

Marge:Well, I suppose if the store is only selling damaged athletic wear, we don't really have much choice.

Marge:But I do have a practical question: how damaged are we talking here?

Homer:Wait a minute... these golf balls are filled with something!

Smithers:Oh, Mr. Homer, those aren't golf balls. They're... they're reptile eggs. Yes, rare reptile eggs I'm incubating for the Springfield Zoo.

Homer:Reptile eggs? In a bucket of sand in the country club?

Smithers:The sand maintains optimal temperature and humidity, sir. It's all very scientific.

Burns:Smithers, you've been cheating on my behalf? How dare you! I'll have you know my golf score of 18 is completely legitimate.

Smithers:Sir, that's 18 over par...

Burns:Nonsense! I'm a natural. Why, I once shot a 12 on a par 5. The ball simply obeyed my superior intellect and flew directly into the cup.

Homer:You cheated at golf, Mr. Burns! That's... that's the worst thing you've ever done!

Mr. Burns:Simpson, I've done far worse things.

Homer:Well, I'm gonna tell everyone you're a big stupid head!

Homer:I don't care what Mr. Burns wants! I'm going to tell everyone he cheated!

Smithers:Homer, what if I told you that Marge has been having those dreams about you again?

Homer:What? Really? Which ones?

Smithers:The kind where you're... attentive and helpful around the house.

Homer:My lips are sealed!

Homer:They're blackmailing me to stay quiet? This is discrimination! The rich can blackmail people and nobody cares, but the moment a working man tries to blackmail somebody, he's a criminal!

Lisa:Where did you get that dress, Mom?

Marge:Oh, this old thing? I've had it for years.

Lisa:But Mom, I saw the price tag still on it.

Marge:Well, I... I was saving it for a special occasion!

Lisa:Mom, it has today's date on it.

Marge:Today IS special! Look, a cloud that looks like a duck!

Lisa:Wait a minute. Mom, if both suits came from the same outlet store, how is it possible that one is polyester and the other is cotton? That would violate the fundamental principles of inventory management and supply chain logistics.

Homer:Valet parking! Finally, a chance to make a good first impression.

Homer:Wait, they're not going to let me back in, are they?

Bart:So I'm thinking we could do some golfing, maybe hit the links at the country club...

Homer:Country club? Bart, we can't afford that!

Bart:Relax, Dad. I've got it all figured out. We just need to find some rich old guy, get him to like us, and then...

Marge:Bart, what are you saying?

Bart:I'm saying we butter him up, become his best friends, convince him we're the perfect family, and when he kicks the bucket—boom—we inherit everything!

Homer:Now that's the kind of planning I can get behind!

Lisa:So tell me, Daddy, in a master-servant relationship, doesn't the servant become dependent on the master for their sense of self-worth?

Homer:Uh, sure, sweetie.

Lisa:And doesn't that dependency prevent them from ever achieving true autonomy or happiness?

Homer:Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.

Homer:You know, Marge used to be a real goody-two-shoes. But now she's committed all these crimes. I guess compared to her, I'm actually the moral one in this relationship.

Marge:Homer is big and strong. Lisa is smart and talented. Maggie is cute and cuddly. But Bart... Bart is...

Marge:Well, he's... he's got a certain... he's very... you know, Bart is...

Homer:Marge, you spent $3,000 on a dress?

Marge:It's a designer dress, Homer.

Homer:Well, did it come with a Big Gulp?

Homer:A boutique?! What kind of store is that?

Marge:It's a fancy clothing store, Homer.

Homer:Fancy? Do they have Squishees?

Marge:I would never want to be a member of a club that would have someone like me as a member.

Country Club Woman:Marge was supposed to be here for her initiation. I wonder where she is.

Country Club Woman:Oh well, we told her the initiation was today when it's actually next week. We do that to all the new members. It really messes with their heads.

Burns:What is this slop, Smithers? It tastes like a tire fire mixed with a urinal cake.

Smithers:Sir, I followed the recipe exactly.

Burns:Well, your exact is execrable. Get this swill away from me before I have you executed.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, this cake is revolting. What on earth did you put in it?

Smithers:Well sir, I thought you'd appreciate a cake made with the finest ingredients. So I used only the most expensive imported butter, Belgian chocolate, and caviar.

Mr. Burns:Caviar? In a cake?

Smithers:Yes sir. I was quite proud of that touch.

Marge:Well, I suppose this is where we belong. At least the meatloaf is affordable.

Marge:I just love this restaurant. The owner knows us by name, the waiters treat us like family, and the food is always fresh and delicious.

Restaurant Customer:Yeah, that's because nobody else comes here.